wanting to hide under the couch

Wanting to hide under the couch

Yesterday after I left my PT office, I was walking to the grocery store and I took a nosedive to the ground. My left foot didn’t clear the damn sidewalk because it was unlevel. Most of the sidewalks in the area are like that and I tweeted to the city about how awful their streets are but of course, no response because they are assholes. Today I am so sore. Every muscle hurts. But I had to see my psychiatrist so went. I had decided to wear the new brace I bought but I must have had it too tight or maybe it is too small, either way when I got to the hospital, I took the sucker off. I won’t be wearing it again.

My psych appointment went well until she asked me when my next book was coming out. I panicked and swear I wanted to hide under the couch I was sitting on. I told her about the story I had in my head but it was too emotional to write but am trying to find a way to do that so I don’t go nuts. I don’t know if this story, when it gets written, will be published. I think if you have been following my blog, you know my dilemma surrounding that issue. There are characters that I am not sure I can use without infringing on copyrights. I might change names if I have to, which is easy enough. Or just use their rank, now that I think about it. I don’t know. Everything is up in the air and stuff. So we discussed that and whatever I do, she will support me. HA I think she is bias but what do I know. This is our 26th Anniversary. We don’t know the exact date but know it is the beginning of February. I am grateful she is still working with me.

On the way home, I thought my legs were going to collapse. I had been leaning on one or the other. Using a cane wasn’t helpful. It just caused me more pain. I am definitely using a walker when I see the PT next week and I told her so. She said it was a good idea seeing as I have had balance issues. She did show me ways of turning so I don’t fall. It is all because my ankles are being taxed too much. So until my right leg is strong enough, I have to do what I can in the form of using aids. She wants me to bring in the walker I am using so that it is right for me and that I am using it right, I guess. Next week is going to be tough because I have PT and then I need to see my new PCP, I hope. His office is further from the train station and I know after PT I am going to need the support of the walker as a cane is just not going to be steady enough.

I am in mega pain. My left ankle had started to hurt soon as I woke this morning when my med alarm went off. Miraculously, I had slept through the night for the first time in a very long time. I had only gotten 2 hours sleep yesterday so I was glad I got more than 6 hours today. I took my night meds early as well as other stuff to try and calm down this flare I am having. My foot feels like it is going to cramp awfully bad at any moment. And the fall I took didn’t help matters. My left arm too the majority of the weight as well as my knees which are a nice shade of black at the moment. My left arm is sore as well as my left shoulder. I had placed a call to my mother and just putting the phone to my ear hurt and caused pain across my clavicle (collar bone to all you non-medical people). I hope I didn’t damage anything and it is just sore from using my backpack. I had my backpack on me yesterday which clunked me in the head and then fell on my neck. My neck is also sore but not as much as my limbs. I didn’t have my cane with me so had to hunker home without it. Then I had to go to urgent care because I thought I broke one of my knuckles as there was a pinching at the bone and it was swollen. Such awful fall but thankfully nothing is broken just sore as hell. I am not doing anything this weekend. I wanted to go to the grocery store to get what I needed but couldn’t carry with me but it can wait. I am just mad that in my hurry to get home, I didn’t purchase the roast beef I wanted! I went to the deli and put it on the holder thing but just rang up the Powerade, paid, and left without the roast beef! I didn’t realize it until I was on the waiting for the bus at the train station. Stupid me. I will get it probably Monday when my muscles have a chance to recuperate.

Meds are kicking in and I haven’t had supper or anything to eat since 11 am. I am hungry but don’t think I can go downstairs. I don’t want food in my room. I don’t think my mother can make it up the stairs anyways. She is having a hard time getting around worse than me but won’t go to PT or see the doctor about it. She just uses the walker around the house. We share it LOL. When she isn’t using it, I will. I am getting so sleepy that I don’t think going downstairs is a good idea. I have peanut butter protein bars in my room but lately they have been bothering my stomach, even though I drink a lot of fluid to help it digest better. I don’t know why peanut butter is bothering my stomach so much lately. I love it but I guess my stomach doesn’t anymore. Think I will nap and if I wake up later, I will go eat if my legs don’t fall off.

any thoughts?

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