Saturday Blog 21 12 19

Saturday Blog 21 12 19

I woke up with the delivery people calling me. They couldn’t find a parking spot so canceled the delivery. Great. I had to call to reschedule it. My mother had a breakdown. OMG she got hysterical over the damn freezer not being delivered. I had four consecutive calls. And then because I had her blocked, she yelled at me to answer the phone. Neither of us could get a hold of someone. It’s a Saturday so no one was really there to talk to about this. Then my sister came home and she called me to say I should yell at the manager. JFC. Just let me alone. I just wanted to go back to sleep. I took my meds and noticed I didn’t take my meds yesterday morning. Great! I have no idea how I forgot. I am usually really good about taking my morning meds. Oh well, one slip won’t hurt.

I’ve been feeling exhausted all day. Pain was bad so I didn’t feel like getting out of bed. I slept until 1430 and took a shower. I had hoped my mother wouldn’t say anything or ask if I called. She still thinks they could have delivered in another truck today. Yea ok. SMH. She doesn’t get that it wouldn’t have been possible. She wanted me to say this was an elderly lady. That sealed the deal of me not calling till Monday! Fuck. No way I was saying that. For a freezer? No way. Oxygen tank yes but an appliance?

I shaved before I showered though I left the goatee. I have decided that if my sisters and mother are throwing me a party for my birthday, I am leaving it and coming out as trans. I don’t care. My party my rules. I had no intention of turning 44. Providence intervened so now I do what I want. Besides, what is the big deal? I know who I am and the facial hair is coming in. I don’t see my aunts and cousins that often because I don’t go to parties anymore on my mother’s side. Well, actually I don’t go on my father’s side either, to be honest. My cousin’s daughter got married in Sept and I really wanted to go but it was out of state and there was no way I could make the trip. I sent her a gift anyway. All my little cousins are now adults getting married and having kids. Hell even my nieces and nephew aren’t babies anymore. Three are adult, the youngest is still a teen.

I was trying to get answers about how long this foley is to be in me. Turns out my urologist is on vacation until the 30th and she didn’t leave any notes on it. Wonderful. I feel so fucking depressed about this. If I ever complain about inserting a catheter again, please just shoot me. It will be a lot less painful. So I have this in me for almost two weeks. A friend invited me out for dinner and I declined. I just don’t feel festive or social knowing I got to keep track of what I drink and empty this sucker. I haven’t eaten today. I am sort of getting hungry but I am so bloody tired I don’t feel like making something to eat. Someone is in the kitchen. I think my sister is baking so I really don’t feel like going there right now. I was going to shred some zucchini for a bread I want to make. I will just do it tomorrow. I need to use up the zucchini anyways or they will go bad. I bought them Thursday on the way home. I want to give my therapist some when I see her Monday. I won’t see her again till after the new year. She will be gone 1.5 weeks. I think that is the longest time off since we started working together in June. Can’t believe it has been six months since I met her and also since I last saw my psych. I still miss my psych terribly.

any thoughts?

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