random thoughts 19 Dec 19

I had therapy today. It was the first appointment since my attempt on Monday. We talked about it and she is temporarily taking away my texting her until I am more stable. If I need to talk to her, I need to use the patient web thing. I won’t use the web thing because whatever I write gets put into my medical record. I had to send her a message today when I got home though because the concussion doc that I saw yesterday gave me so much more medication than I thought he was going to give me, especially after I told him I attempted on Monday. Fucking idiot. But then, not surprised. Professionals stay away from suicide as much as they can.

I got a few decent hours sleep so when I woke up, I was rested and decided to get moving as I was antsy. I was so nervous about seeing my therapist as I wasn’t sure what was going to happen. She told me that she isn’t going anywhere and to my relief she isn’t transferring me to someone else. I get to see her Monday, which is my birthday. I will be making zucchini bread sort to “celebrate”. The one I made for Thanksgiving was gone so I really didn’t have much of it the last time I made it, much to my disappointment.

I was developing some problems cathing so I let my urologist know. She said to come to the office the next day and she would put in a catheter. I went yesterday, after I saw the concussion doctor. I have a leg bag again. I cracked myself up today when I was going to pick up the medication the concussion doc prescribed as it can cause urine retention. I laughed because I have a catheter in me so it doesn’t matter if it does or not. I am not sure when I am getting this sucker out. The nurse is supposed to call me tomorrow when my culture results come in. They already did and it was negative so I want this out of me but it might be a while. I am not sure. As much as it is a pain, I kind of like it as I don’t have to leave my room for anything. I am trying to rest my flared up ankle as much as possible because I can’t stand being in pain anymore. If I can avoid the stairs, I will. I need to change the bag into a bigger one because fucking hell, I do not want to wake up at 3 fucking AM to empty the sucker. I just hope I put the damn thing in right because I really don’t want urine on my bed!

I have a concussion that the doc is worried about because it has been two weeks and I am still having symptoms. My memory was not perfect. When he gave me four things to remember, I remembered two. I know I totally fucked up counting down numbers from 100. And even something simple as remembering the date was out of touch. I couldn’t think what month this was. It was really difficult trying to have therapy as I kept losing my words for things. At one point my therapist told me to just take a breath and think then speak whatever the emotion was. I have trouble knowing what the fuck my emotions are anyway so today I just didn’t know my ass from my elbow. I got so frustrated because I couldn’t name how I felt. She wanted to know and I had no words. She jokingly said that we both will be without a jokester for a week and a half. We both are sarcastic as fuck. She will be away from Christmas until after the first week in January. She said we need to plan something while she is gone. I am kind of scared of what that will entail. I am not sure if she wants me to do shit while I am concussed still. I don’t see the concussion doctor again until the week she comes back. Both my therapist and psychopharm are out at the same time. I’ve been in this situation loads of times though not particularly after a suicide attempt. I know I will be alright. I just don’t think they will. The psychopharm wants me to call warm lines should I get suicidal again. She gave me a bunch of links in the Boston area which I didn’t even know existed. I probably won’t call them. I’ve never really found hotlines helpful when dealing with chronic suicidal thoughts.

any thoughts?

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