Category: Bipolar Disorder

Baking Sunday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Baking Sunday

I reluctantly got up this afternoon because I had to bake and mostly, I had to eat something. After I ate, I started baking. The recipe was easy enough. Though I realize I suck at making cupcakes. Even though I let them cool in the fridge for a while, they still stuck to the paper so you got half of the cake. Oh well. They came out good. I just need to frost them. They didn’t come out like the picture. I can never get it to be as perfect as the picture. I am just not that talented.

After I baked, I was really tired. I retreated back to my room and slept for two hours or so. Both my teams lost today. I am not happy about that. Today was the last game for regular season and I didn’t even watch it. I just watched the last of the 9th inning where they lost. They couldn’t get a hit to save themselves.

I keep thinking about my appointment with my therapist tomorrow. I have a feeling it is going to go badly. She doesn’t understand anything about my suicidality. We are just going to have a go round of guilt trips on why I should stay here. It’s going to be emotional and I am not going to like it.

I’ve been in a bad mood for most of the day. I almost told someone Twitter off because she was just being annoying. I thought about joining BPD chat but the topic didn’t interest me. So I just slept. I thought my mother would call me when dinner was ready but she didn’t. That was fine because she really ticked me off. I was explaining about how the directions to the cupcakes said to let them cool in the fridge for 30 minutes and she was just blowing me off, like duh, you are supposed to cool them off. She annoys me all the time whenever I bake. Then she yelled at me for leaving the dirty dishes in the sink. I was going to clean up but apparently I didn’t do it fast enough. So excuse me. She just annoys me.

I haven’t filled my pill box for the week yet. I’ll do it soon enough. I hate filling it because I am on my feet for more than a few minutes. But once it’s done, it’s done. I’ll probably be going to bed soon after I fill it. My psychiatrist wanted me to read a book by Oliver Sacks and I started it last night. I am not amused. I am not finding it interesting and I usually do find clinical type stories interesting. It must be my mood. Lately, nothing has been holding my interest. I don’t want to do anything. Everything takes so much effort.

Tomorrow night I am supposed to go out with friends for dinner south of Boston. I have been sort of looking forward to it most of the month. It’s usually a fun night. I put on my façade that everything is fine and hunky dory. I will be wearing my brace because I can’t trust my ankle anymore and there will be a lot of walking to be done.

Saturday Blog 64

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

I didn’t sleep very well last night. I woke up every few hours. When I got up, I made coffee but my half and half was sour so I couldn’t drink the coffee. I wanted to go to the grocery store so I went to get my pumpkin stuff and some bacon. I also bought celery so I can add it to my tuna sandwiches. I thought I would have enough energy to make the cupcakes but I don’t. I just want to go back to sleep.

OSU won 58-0 against Rutgers. And Nebraska is winning right now in the first quarter 7-0. I would watch the Nebraska game but I just can’t. I want to be on my bed resting my leg. I am in pain again from walking around the store and then going to Walgreens to pick up my prescription.

After I came home, I was starving because I didn’t have lunch. I had some Naan with some tuna my mother made. I ate all the tuna and most of the Naan. Then I had a nectarine. Now I am bloated and very sleepy.

I keep thinking of my date and what I am going to do about it. If I don’t go through with my plan, I will feel like a failure. If I try and don’t succeed, then at least I tried and that will be that. But I won’t know unless I try and I want to die very badly. I am feeling all sorts of feelings about this. Sadness is the chief one, guilt is another. I know I don’t have to do this but what choice do I have? The thought of living through this nightmare is astounding. I can’t take the pain day in and day out anymore, not when my daily living activities are involved. There are some days I can’t even stand long enough to brush my teeth. How is this living?

My therapist is working hard so that things don’t come to an end soon. In the end, it’s really just my battle and my battle alone. I have tried to prepare her for my death but she doesn’t want to hear one word of it. I have three sessions this week with her, one of which will be in person. I get to drive out there and see her. I am hoping to have my pumpkin cupcakes made tomorrow to take with me when I go. She’ll like that.

the need to write

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

The Need to Write

I watched the ballgame most of the way via Twitter. We won 5-3. I didn’t think I was going to last because I was really tired but I knew if they came back and I missed it I would be upset. I am glad I didn’t miss it.

So I lied down and of course pain coursed through my ankle and foot like they do, 10 times worse tonight. I had to take a strong pain pill and some Neurontin. I was taking all shots tonight. Fuck it. I don’t care. I need pain relief. My foot is on fire. My ankle is searing pain. And I have no fire extinguisher other than the Neurontin. My anxiety is up but I already took some Ativan because my right foot was doing this dance tonight that eventually got painful. It just kept on curling up on me, on it’s own. Annoying.

I was able to sleep for a few hours but then woke up because I had to go pee. Damn bladder. Now I am up and I don’t think I can go back to sleep, least not for the next hour or two. I am surprised that I just slept a few hours given the amount of medication that I took. I am still feeling a little paranoid and psychotic. The voices the last few days have not been pleasant. I can tolerate them but it is exhausting. It takes all that I have to ignore their constant bickering, their sarcastic remarks, their criticism, and their commands. If I am doing something one way, they want me to do it another. It’s tiring. I had to take 12 mg of trilafon yesterday to counteract them. I didn’t take it all at once, just every 4-6 hours I took a 4 mg pill. It was the only way to quiet them down.

Later today, I plan on printing out my book. It’s going to be a huge deal because I have 140 pages to go through. Granted the first few are just fluff, just the title page and then copyright page, stuff like that. I want to see if I can do this without an editor. My stories are short so if I take them one at a time, it should be a piece of cake. And unlike my first book, there is nothing to really trigger me because it’s mostly about my psychotic experiences, which I think are funny and amusing. Course, when they were happening they were scary as all hell. But now they are not that way anymore.

I texted my therapist that I was in pain and lazy because I might not be making the pumpkin cupcakes like I wanted to. I am still cursing the Peapod delivery for not delivering the right kind of pumpkin. Now I have to go to the store and get it. But I don’t want to go out later today. I know I am going to be tired as shit as it’s in the middle of the night and I am awake. Plus, it’s going to be raining most of the day. I should have gone to the store yesterday but I was too tired.

completely wiped out

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Completely wiped out

I basically was on the go since I woke up this morning. I went to Starbucks. Had my drink and breakfast, wrote a little bit and then played with my phone. Afterwards, I went to CVS to get my mother some things and a binder for myself for my book. I plan on printing it out sometime this weekend to go over it and see if I repeated stories and also to edit it.

After this, I went into Boston to get my prescription. They didn’t have it ready so I had to wait. Finally one of the medical assistants came and got me and I left. By the time I reached the train station, I was wiped out. I think walking with the brace is slowing me down some and it’s tiring. I wanted to go to the grocery store to get pumpkin but I was too tired. I might go tomorrow.

I get to Walgreens to have my prescription filled and they tell me they need to call my doctor to verify it’s okay because I take the other medication. OMG. Seriously? Luckily I am not out so I can wait the weekend but still, it’s an annoyance. They said they will text me so we’ll see. I still haven’t received notification about the trilafon. I might have to hound my psychiatrist for that. This is why I hate when my refills aren’t in sync with appointment visits.

My foot/ankle is throbbing again. I just want to go to sleep but I need food. My mother offered to make soup but I am not in a soup mood. I am kind of in a tuna mood. But I think I need sleep more than food right now. I am getting cranky and I hate being cranky.