Category: Bipolar Disorder

Sunday Blog 12

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

I woke up later than my usual time, at 0700. I had to use the bathroom as I was dreaming about going pee. While I was up, I decided to have two Ensures. Bad idea. It made me sick. Luckily, I kept everything in my stomach and was able to get back to sleep. I just woke up a little while ago. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. I put more jelly than peanut butter and I didn’t enjoy it as much.

I am listening to the ball game. I wanted to watch it but my mother is hogging the living room TV and I don’t like to watch it from the kitchen. I tend to get the munchies. This is the first time all season that I am listening to the radio. I wanted to see what the new guy sounds like. His name is Tim Neverett. The Sox are playing the Indians at Fenway.

My ankle is a little better today than it was yesterday. The temp is ten degrees cooler than yesterday. There is supposed to be rain over the next few days but so far it remains dry. I just hope it doesn’t rain Tuesday as I need to be out and about. I will be going south of Boston to meet up with some friends for a school concert and then dinner.

Tuesday needs to get here pretty quick. I am running up a grocery bill as I keep on adding stuff that I want. I was going to order ice cream but it’s not on sale and I am not spending $5 for a pint. I still am debating on getting chips. I think that is the only junk food I haven’t ordered.

I need to fill my pill box for the week. I hate doing it. But it’s better than being in the hospital because I have less pills in the box than what they were giving me. I think I counted at least 20 pills at night versus my home pills of 14. This is because nearly every drug had at least 2 pills to go with it. At home, I just take one pill, except for one of my blood pressure pills. I have to take 2 pills.

I have had the munchies since I woke up. Now I feel bloated. I mostly had fruit and vegetables so I don’t feel guilty about eating. I just had a lot in a short period and my stomach is not used to so much food at once.

I have been in a good mood today. It is strange because I also feel sad at the same time. Yesterday, I got a card from my father’s PCP’s office. The coag RN sent me her condolences of the loss of my father. I thought that was nice of her. I have been thinking of my father most of the day. He usually came over on Sundays for dinner. Tomorrow will mark four weeks that he has passed.

Saturday Blog 50

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Saturday Blog 50

I woke up in severe pain in my foot this morning. It started off as a cramp and escalated to pain. I have been sleeping most of the day because the pain meds make me sleepy. I feel okay now. Pain is still there but it’s at a much tolerable level, say a 3 or 4 on a scale of 1-10. Only things that I ate today was a tuna sandwich and an Ensure. I think I am going to have another Ensure for my dinner. I don’t feel like making or having anything else.

My brother-in-law is a fink. Our bathroom heater fan went yesterday so he says “it’s too hot to use that is why it’s not working”. No, dumbass. It will work despite the heat because I have accidently turned it on the hottest of summer days. The thing is broken and you are just too lazy to fucking fix it. Unreal. When I heard that explanation, I was pissed. I still am.

I found the grief counselor’s card in one of my jeans pockets. I will give her a call Monday sometime after my psychiatrist’s appointment. I want to make sure that my psych is on board with me talking with her before I call her.

Today just sucked. I really didn’t do anything but sleep and have weird dreams. My last dream, I was at work and I was supposed to get all the money counted and sorted for send out. This is weird because the lab where I worked, was a blood lab. We did not deal with money. My cousins were in the dream as well. They were emptying their purses that were filled with coins. I remember feeling overwhelmed in the dream because people just kept on adding to my workload and the guy that left me in charge didn’t leave me any wrappings or anything to bundle the money to ship out. I was worried that the destination where this money was going to be sent would be rejected and I would lose my job over it. Strange dream.

I think I got everything I need to get for my grocery order. I got some grapefruit as it has been a long time since I had some. I also got some ground beef as I want to try and make a Bolognese sauce. It will be the first time making it. I hope it comes out good. I also bought hamburgers and avocados. I really can’t wait to have the burger the way that I am imagining it. I just wish I had some onion rings to go with it.

I returned the DVD from NetFlix. It was the only time I went out today. It was really nice out. I should have went to the Square to have a coffee. They came out with a new Brazil lot that is pretty good. I want to try it iced the next time I go to Starbucks. I don’t think I am going to buy this kind for home. I still have plenty of the other Brazil coffee and Pike’s.

A Beautiful Mind

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

A Beautiful Mind

I watched this movie tonight because one of the actors also played in Stargate SG1. It has been a while since I last saw it and it is such a good movie. I could relate a lot to what the main character was going through because I have had to deal with delusions and medications and hospitalizations. I knew when I was 16 that I would have to be on medication for the rest of my life. It’s not always easy to take them and I have stopped them for a while only to be back on them.

Ten years ago I was in a horrible, deep, severe depression. I had stopped my meds which only made things worse. My psychiatrist asked me to do her a “favor” and it was to go back on my meds. Within a few weeks, I was feeling remarkably different. I wasn’t 100% better, but I felt like I could face the world again. I knew then that I couldn’t stop my meds ever again and I have been taking them consistently, for the most part. There have been nights where I don’t take them but they are far and in between.

I am glad that the increase in the sertraline has helped my mood and physical symptoms of depression. My appetite, I think, is back to normal. I will be placing an order for groceries next week. I ordered burgers and avocados. I am planning on making my favorite burger from my favorite burger joint. The only thing missing is the onion rings, but I can make do without. I am actually looking forward to making something to eat where before it was a chore and I had absolutely no interest at all. I should have gone up on the sertraline sooner but I like being cautious. I really didn’t want to get sick off the meds so I did the increase slowly. I just hope that I can stay at the dose for a while and it doesn’t make me sick.

I see my psychiatrist on Monday. I hope that I don’t stress her out because I need two prescriptions, one of which I need a hard copy because it is a controlled substance. I am not sure she has figure out how to print off scripts with the new system. I am hoping she has. I don’t know why they had to change systems across Partners institutions. No one likes this new system, but they are stuck with it, unfortunately.

I am fighting sleep. I really want Morpheus to knock me out and come take me away but he is missing. I wasn’t planning on staying up this late but I just can’t seem to relax enough to lie down. I read what I wrote in my last blog as someone left a comment that has me perplexed. I approved it because it wasn’t bad or anything of the sort. But after I read my blog, I understood the comment a little better. I didn’t realize my last paragraph had such a powerful ending. It started the movie playing again, and I don’t mean “A Beautiful Mind”. I just really can’t stop thinking about my father’s death sometimes and once it’s on my brain, I can’t get it out. I have tried distraction but that hasn’t been working too well for me lately. Music has helped. But it’s late and I don’t want to activate my brain with lyrics. I really need some classical music or something soothing to listen to that doesn’t have words that I can analyze to death. I know I should write down the “movie” in my notepad so I can finish it but not at this hour. I am too tired to get triggered by memories of that day. I know it’s there anyways but I don’t want to revisit it right now.

I bought a shirt a month ago and I just recently received it. It was in support of Michael Dorn, the actor that played Worf in the Next Gen series of Star Trek. I thought I ordered an XL. I got a 4XL that is swimming on me. I had no idea it was so huge. I like it though because it is very comfortable. Maybe it will shrink if I wash it a few times.

Well, I think the pain meds have finally kicked in from more than an hour ago. Morpheus, if you’re out there, please come find me!

trouble writing and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

trouble writing and other things

Today’s Daily word Prompt was “Brick”. I had a vague idea of how I was going to write about this word, but it never materialized. I checked to see if the story I wrote about brick walls was published and it was. A lot has changed since I published that story almost two years ago.

I was set to write about “brick” at Starbucks. I must have stared at the notepad for twenty minutes before I decided to give it up. The story should have been written when I was thinking about it. I should have written some notes or something. Now the email will get filed in my WP Prompt folder. This folder has the word prompts that I mean to write about when I get a chance to really think of something to write.

I feel pretty good today. I went to my appointment. She was late, as usual, but she did print out my prescription before she came to the exam room. I told her about my Achilles. She wanted an X-ray of my ankle so I didn’t say anything about it being useless. An MRI would give better detail, unless there is a foreign body in my ankle. She thinks it’s just inflammation but she is having me see an ankle specialist anyway. She said that office should call me sometime next week. We’ll see about that. The last time my PCP’s office said that a specialist was going to call me, they never did. I had to call them.

I am guessing my copays for my medications are free now. This is the second time I didn’t have a copay. Next week I need to refill most of my meds. It’s going to be fun to see what I have to pay for and what I don’t. All my meds are generics but some cost more than others. It’s kind of stupid because I am not paying for the brand name so I don’t understand why, for example, the Zoloft is $2 but my trileptal is $20. BOTH are generics yet there is a huge difference in price.

I talked about the possibility of talking with a grief counselor and the NP said that would be a good idea. Now I really need to find her card. I think I know where it is hiding. Maybe she can help me finish writing the essay as I will be seeing her in person. I keep thinking about when I last gave my father the medication for his secretions. I keep wondering if his breathing had changed to the point where the end was closer and I just wasn’t paying attention to it. He died approximately a half hour later. And even if his breathing did change, what was I supposed to do? It’s not like I was going to perform CPR or something to prolong his life. It just haunts me and I can’t get the image out of my head. Mostly because that was the last time I saw my father alive.