Category: Bipolar Disorder

Saturday blog 46

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I saw my father in the nursing home. They are trying to rehab him for home. He is trying to do his best to get him there. I am not optimistic it is going to happen. He didn’t look good today, really tired and stuff. It was hard being there. My brother in law came with his PJs as we washed them at home. When he left, I did too. I really was sad to see my father so out of it.

I filled out the forms they needed to fill out. Basically they were the same as the ones I filled out in the hospital about DNR and such. My sisters went to the funeral home today to discuss options of cremation. Basically the whole life insurance will be for the funeral and church services. I forget if there will be a wake or not. It’s been a tough day. I hope my sisters are ok. I have been in my own world and haven’t really been asking. They have each other as they are closer to each other than I am to them.

The nursing home is going to be a little difficult for me to get to by walking and taking the T. I am going to try and go Monday afternoon and see how it goes. I just hope my leg can make it up the stupid hill. I never knew the town had hills. It’s not as steep as the ones in my neighborhood but it’s still a climb and will be a challenge. I just hope it doesn’t snow like they say it will. Otherwise, it will be another day.

I find it weird that my mother hasn’t asked how I have been doing since I told her that my father is dying. She told me today that she won’t be going to the wake or funeral. That is fine. They are divorced and she is not obligated to at all. Though it will be weird not having her there. I never thought about this. I just hope there isn’t questions as to why she isn’t there.

I have been trying to keep this blog going every day but with the stress of my father dying, I am not sure I can keep it up. It’s very difficult to write what I want without appearing like a bastard. I really miss the days when I was able to write and things would flow. That hasn’t been happening lately. I try to write at least 500 words. That to me is like a magic blog number. If I can write at least that many words, then I have accomplished something. But it’s extremely difficult and lately around 350 words, I lose gas. It’s easier when things happen during the day but even then, my thinking is so clouded by depression it’s hard to pluck words. So if there is a day that there is no blog, just know that I am still around but just having a hard time trying to write. I know I have daily readers and I thank you for reading.

Night filled with pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Night filled with Pain

I didn’t have any weird dreams last night but I did wake up at 0300 in pain. It woke me from a sound sleep and I couldn’t get back asleep until a few hours later. My day was shot before it began. My foot and ankle have been competing most of the day as to who is going to hurt me more. I didn’t go out today. My father is getting transferred to a rehab facility today. It’s a place a few towns over and I hope it’s on a bus line.

I would have gone today but I am in too much pain. I did a lot of walking yesterday and I am sore today. I just slept most of the day with the aid of pain medication. I really need sleep and relief from my pain if I am going to be of any use to my sisters over the next few weeks. I am so tired that writing this blog is painful. My thoughts are just not there. I am very sad to hear that my father only has a few weeks left to live. I just can’t wrap my head around it right now.

I know that my grief is going to complicate my depression or vice versa. It’s going to be hard to tease out the biological cause from the emotional cause. I thought I would be immune to it but I guess I am not. I know I have moved on mentally from my father but there is still some attachment. I know that I probably will have to go in the hospital after all is said and done. I’m hoping not but you never know.

I emailed my psychiatrist last night to tell her the news. I haven’t heard back. I also asked her if our appointment next week was still a go. I really need her support through this. I was tempted to page her to talk to her because I was out of my element. I have never been as sad as I was last night. The pain I think made it worse. I had wanted to eat something but I could barely stand on my foot last night. I drank a couple of Ensures for my dinner.

I think I ate my last pastrami sub for a while. It was very good but it’s been the only thing I have been eating all week. I haven’t touched the food that I bought. I still have black bean burgers and tuna. I just have lost interest in eating them. I hope tomorrow I can eat some of them. I still have my sourdough bread, though it’s weeks old now so not that fresh anymore. Maybe I can make French toast out of it before it becomes penicillin.

Rainy Day in Boston

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Rainy Day in Boston

I had an aggravating day and the rain didn’t make things better. I don’t know why I don’t carry my pain meds on me when I know I am going to be out of the house for more than a few hours. I was at the hospital visiting my father because the social worker was suppose to come by between 11-1130. I wanted to be there because we had some things to discuss. 1230 comes by, nothing. 1330 comes by, nothing. Another hour passes and I am pissed now. The nurse finally got a hold of her for our concerns and the paperwork we needed. The idiot gave me the stupid run around about the health care proxy. I was supposed to give it to her was my understanding but she said the social worker needed it so that was what I was waiting for. Soon after that, my sisters got my father all riled up and I took that cue to fucking leave. My foot was ready to explode in pain and I wanted to be close to home when it did.

Except when I was close to home, my sister said I needed to fill out some more paperwork and had to go back to the hospital. I was cursing. My foot was cursing. The three metatarsals that always give me grief in the rain exploded and I had to limp back to the hospital and the care unit where my father was. It was the longest walk I ever walked. Then of course, I had to walk the same way back to the train station. I am in so much pain and the rain is not helping me out one bit despite the temp being in the fifties.

When I got to the hospital, the prognosis of my father was given. He has weeks to live, maybe a month if you push it somehow. We finally have an answer. Not one we were anticipating but it’s better than not knowing and leaving uncertainty. My sisters and I are making arrangements and such. I’m still trying to wrap my head around it but I can’t. I am just so damn sad.

Before all the trips to the hospital, I went to Starbucks and got a caramel Macchiato and a breakfast sandwich. Then when I was at the hospital, I had half of my father’s turkey sandwich. I think I will finish the day with an Ensure as I am not in the mood for anything else. I thought about making a tuna sandwich but my foot will kill me if I stand on it. I took some pain meds and I am already starting to feel the effects. I don’t think going down some stairs right now will be a good idea.

Terrible Dream

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

Terrible Dream

I had a dream that I was a sniper and my mission was to kill my father. It was the freakiest dream I ever had. As he was coming into range, I was placing a bullet in the chamber of the rifle. Then I woke up. I was drenched in sweat. The whole dream was about guns and loading them. Talk about weird things.

I don’t know what to make of the dream. Maybe my therapist and I can sort it out when I talk to her next week. I hope I never have another dream like that again. It felt so real, yet it also felt like I was on a show as I could hear the audience oooing and ahhing as I was placing the bullet. Just fucking weird.

Now it’s almost 0200 and I can’t go back to sleep because I feel like a murderer even though I didn’t do anything. It was just a dream. I know before falling asleep last night I was thinking of my father’s rifle and how he is never going to be able to get it back. It will forever be in a police lock up place. Yes, my father owns a gun. He has had this rifle since I was a kid. He never showed us how to use it or anything of the sort but we knew he would use it for hunting wild game. He liked to shoot pheasants, rabbits, and other game. He never shot big animals like deer, least not that I know of. This was the same gun that he used to almost kill someone in my family more than 20 years ago. The gun was never fired or pointed, but it was loaded. I saw that it was. I remember it as clear as day.

It’s never good to remember this stuff at this hour. I am overwhelmed with the feelings of that night. Almost like I had a flashback or intrusive memory coming at me. I went through this all last month. Now it seems that I am going to go through it tonight. Think I will take some Ativan and see if that helps stop the terror. It’s always amazes me that something that happened more than 20 years ago still affects me today. The thoughts and feeling of that night coming back to haunt me. I guess no matter what, you will always remember traumatizing nights. I just wish it would have happened at an hour that I could call my therapist to talk to her. I also feel like taking a trilafon so that I can be numbed out. It will kill the voices though and I am not sure I want that. But the drug will scramble my thoughts and make them less scary. I’ll see of the Ativan takes care of things first and then if I need to, I will take the trilafon.