Category: Bipolar Disorder

weight and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

Weight and other things

I had therapy today. We talked about my father’s prognosis for a little bit and then she asked me about the weight issues. I read to her what I wrote last night about the issues. I haven’t gained that much weight back since eating regularly, but I think I am still eating less than or close to 1000 calories a day. I told her it was all or nothing with my eating and then we got to how my father perceives me as ugly and fat. He has stopped calling me this the last few years when my sister yelled at him for it. I have always been on the heavy side growing up, not obese like I am now, but 10-30 pounds overweight. Now I am a lot more than that. Meds have played a significant factor as the paxil caused me to gain nearly 20 pounds and it took a lot of work just to lose 10 of those suckers. I have always been careless about my eating habits. I know I don’t eat healthy and I am not trying to be healthy, but I am trying to reach a goal weight so I am taking advantage of the low appetite to do that. I am eating, just small meals, like a bowl of cereal or half a sandwich. It’s really all I can eat anyways. I don’t remember the last time I made an egg for breakfast. I just eat whatever, at home though. I don’t eat out, except to have the pastrami subs. Getting Pastrami at the deli isn’t the same.

I visited my father though I really didn’t want to. It really bothers me seeing him so sick and lifeless. Today he was more with it than in the last previous days so that was good. He still isn’t talkative and he does mumble a bit. He ate a pear today with some home made pasta my sister brought him. He didn’t drink the Ensure so I had the half my sister didn’t pour in a cup. The only good news is that his neuropathy is gone as mysteriously as it came.

My therapist almost had a field day on me today because she felt like she found the “gold mine” to my problems. Most of it has to do with how I view myself and how my father perceives me. I still hear his voice calling me ugly and fat. It’s going to take some work to undo that damage. I told her how my niece called me “beautiful” and I wanted to scream at her that I wasn’t. I really wanted to go off on her and correct her that I wasn’t. I didn’t because my niece would have been hurt and confused. Didn’t change the fact that I don’t feel this way. I know I have body image issues and gender dysphoria that plays into the weight thing. I feel ugly so I feel that I should be fat. But with me losing weight, that part of me is losing its power and it’s scaring me. If I reach my target weight, I am not sure how I will feel.

Random 909

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

Random 909

I had therapy today and I told her the reason why I had to cancel last week was because of my episodes of psychache. We talked about it a little bit and about going to the hospital if I need to. She said that the hospital has always been the place where I recharge my batteries, despite how suicidal I am. I know it’s not a treatment place anymore. I have been burned more than it has helped. But it does give me some respite.

I was supposed to go to visit my father today but my bowels have been acting up so decided it was safer to be home than out. I was right because I took the trash out and had to go soon as I came back in. Guess no pastrami sub for me today. I am really exhausted, not saying I wasn’t before but the whole trips to the bathroom just wore me out.

I brought up a topic I really didn’t want to talk about but had to be discussed because it was bothering me. It had to do with my weight and how I feel about it. I hate myself for many reasons and being obese is one of them. Since my weight loss with the depression, I kind of feel like I don’t deserve to lose weight but I know that it’s better for me to be “lighter”. I just feel like I am losing a part of myself. Sure I can gain it back. But it’s not the same. I don’t want to be more than what I am right now. I know that since eating a little regularly I have gained back some pounds and I am sure eating those pastrami subs over the weekend didn’t help. But that is the thing with my eating, it’s all or nothing. I either eat a little, a lot, or nothing. Now that I don’t have a PCP after my weight issues, I have relaxed and sort of gradually watched what I eat and stuff. But it hasn’t been easy. I am not at my target weight and I don’t think I will get there as my appetite has come back. Not with a vengeance but enough that I don’t starve.

We talked briefly about my father. I just gave her an update about his current condition as she didn’t know that he is hospitalized, again. I also emailed my psych. We were talking about how the depression started before my father got really sick. The depression has been going on for months now and I am not sure it is going to get better. The medication I am on is not helping, least not yet. It’s very difficult dealing with severe depression when a parent is sick.

New PJs and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

New PJs and other things

I took a chance on getting a large as they didn’t have an XL in the new pjs I ordered. They fit and that is all that matters. I now have Superman PJs! I feel like a little kid. We didn’t have this stuff growing up so I am soaking it in. I would have bought new Sox jammies but I need to go to the store for it. They don’t sell it or advertise for it online. They will need to shortened because they are too long for me but I am just happy they fit.

I spent the afternoon with my father. He has unexplained neuropathy in his forearm and hand. I know what it’s like. It’s very unsettling and painful. My father doesn’t have a high tolerance for pain so we really don’t know what is going on. He just knows it hurts.

I have a splitting headache. I should have known I was going to get a migraine today because I was very nauseous this morning. I could barely move without the feeling of losing my stomach contents. There were no contents as I haven’t eaten much today. I did have a turkey sandwich that my sister made that she didn’t want. That and Ensure have been the only thing that I have had today. I just am not that hungry and having this migraine isn’t helping.

My sisters and I have been talking about end of life care for my father. It hasn’t been an easy day as we want answers from the doctor but he is remaining elusive. We really haven’t had a sit down with the doc because of his fluid issues and worsening liver problems. And of course, it’s always rush, rush, rush, when we see him. Sometimes I can barely understand him because of his Chinese accent. I hope he calls tonight with something but I don’t think he will. He isn’t the attending doc so “his hands are tied”.

I really didn’t want to see my father. I have been fighting the fatigue of depression for most of the day. All I want to do is sleep. Going out just made me more tired. I didn’t go to Starbucks like I normally would have because of the nausea. I really didn’t want something in my stomach that would come back up. I just wish I wasn’t so fatigued. I was practically falling asleep at the hospital. My father was sleeping until the pain woke him up and then I had to do something. What that something was, I have no fucking clue. All I could do was get the nurse, who of course at the time was with another patient. My father is an impatient man when he is in pain.

I have therapy tomorrow because I forgot to cancel before 1230. Maybe I can get out of Wednesday. I doubt it but I can try. I wrote my therapist a letter that I never got around to finishing. I haven’t decided what I am going to do with it. I might publish it as a password protected blog. I know I have been doing more of that lately. I apologize to my new readers as some stuff I can’t leave open. I am just paranoid the wrong person might read it and I will be in “trouble”.