“No amount of love can cure madness or unblacken one’s dark moods. Love can help, it can make the pain more tolerable, but, always, one is beholden to medication that may or may not always work and may or may not be bearable”
Category: Bipolar Disorder
Really dog tired
Really Dog Tired
I woke up at a decent hour today and I am still feeling like I can sleep for days. I did a few things today that needed to be done and it exhausted me. I have no idea why I am so tired, unless all the sleep deprivation over the last few weeks have finally caught up with me. I went to Walgreens and that really wore me out. My mother asked what I wanted for supper and I said nothing. I just am not hungry. I had a semi big breakfast and I am still full from that. Seems whenever I have potatoes for breakfast, it lasts longer than eating a muffin sandwich alone. Think I will have a peanut butter and muffin sandwich for dinner.
I have been texting my therapist all day. I am very upset that someone opened a checking and savings account in my name. I had to report it to the fraudulent department to close the accounts. Then I had to report it to the credit agencies just in case they open another account in my name. I am very careful about keeping my personal information private so I don’t know what happened. It was a good thing the idiot that did this didn’t know my mother’s maiden name. That saved me because all the other information was correct. Fucking scary.
I will be seeing my therapist this week. I hope so anyways. I am going to reserve a car first thing in the morning for Wednesday. I have found that if you reserve in advance, the chances of having a car are better than reserving say an hour before you want it.
I haven’t had coffee today, though I did plan on making it. I can’t make it now because it’s late in the afternoon. Tomorrow I am going to get another bag of the Brazil Sertaozinho. I love that coffee so much and as long as they have it, I will buy it. My mother thinks I am crazy for buying it, but after a few cups, the bag pays for itself.
I watched the performance of Luke Bryan and Karen Fairchild on the American Music Awards. It was the only thing I wanted to watch. I then deleted the program. It was a good performance and I like the song. I hope they release it on the radio. I took an Eric Church break today and just played Luke Bryan, mostly just his song “Just Over”.
I have to take a shower sometime tonight. I just don’t think I will have the energy to. I will have to force myself to. I hate that because it’s just so draining. Maybe I will feel better if I do take one. I have been feeling like I am catching a cold or something. I hope I am not because it will suck. I took some extra vitamin D last night, just in case I am. Shit I was just thinking, I have to go over my father’s and do his pills a day earlier because Thursday is Thanksgiving. Fuck. That means that I can’t see my therapist. It will have to be next week when I see her. Dammit. I’m going back to bed.
Quote of the Day 23 Nov 2015
“If I can’t feel, if I can’t move, if I can’t think, and I can’t care, then what conceivable point is there in living?”
Regarding my Quotes of the Day
Regarding my Quotes of the Day
I have finished with Suicide as Psychache. I can’t seem to find any other useful quotes. I am going to try Definition of Suicide next. Until then, I have quoted Kay Redfield Jamison. She is a wonderful writer.
I honestly didn’t think I would run out of Shneidman stuff. I know more is out there, I just have to find it. But if you like something else, please let me know and I will quote that.
Regarding my suicidal career
I have been feeling like I should write a suicide note. I don’t know why this popped into my head tonight. I have been really struggling with suicide the past few days. I have a suicidogenic mother. She just brings it out in me. Tonight she called me “dear”. Last night she was calling me a lazy ass and tonight I am a dear? I know she was being sarcastic. She didn’t mean it. Neither parent ever means what they say so how am I supposed to believe them?
I sometimes don’t trust what my sister says either. I am not an emotional person. I just feel cut off from my feelings sometimes. Other times I am just so depressed I can’t do anything. I feel suicidal and that is all that I will feel. I don’t feel angry, I feel hurt most of the time.
I have been avoiding Twitter tonight because I am TiVo’g the American Music Awards and I don’t want to hear about it until I watch it. It’s so hard not being on Twitter. I would so love to tweet some more lyrics of Eric Church.
I am struggling with my suicidality. It would be so easy to die right now. And no one would know until the morning. But I don’t know how to kill myself. That is the whole fucking problem. I don’t have a gun or a high place. I don’t even have a beam to hang myself from. And you can’t die by wishing it. I tried that many a times and I am still here. I feel embarrassed that I told my cousins that I was poor. I don’t know why I told them that. It just came up and I blurted it out without thinking. Now they think whatever they think of me. They probably think I am a loser. That is bothering me, too. I feel like such a jerk. I really want to drink my problems away but I know that won’t help. Plus I just took my pain medication so that wouldn’t be a great idea. My therapist would have a cow if I drank and had my pain meds. She nearly had a coronary the last time I drank and took the meds. All it was, was two pain pills and a shot or two of gin. I didn’t even get drunk. I just slept really good. I don’t think I took my night meds. Tonight I took my night meds so no drinking. I hate that I am so strict with myself about alcohol. I don’t know if this is good or bad. I would love some honey whiskey. I have decided that for my birthday I am having 4 shots of whiskey, one for each decade I am alive, that is if I am still around. Tomorrow will mark one month till D-Day. I am so disgusted with myself for living this long. I never wanted to be an adult. I just really hate myself.
My cousin called me tonight. Left me a message saying where am I, how am I doing, the usual bullshit I hear from him when he doesn’t call me every night. He wants me to call him in the morning. HA, I had to laugh. He won’t be up. He is the one that is healthy but has bipolar disorder. He also is the one that calls me when my mother has groceries. I don’t like talking with him because he never understands the depth of my depressions. He doesn’t get suicidal with his depressions. He just barely functions (according to him) but he does the shopping with my mother and my aunt. He takes care of himself pretty good. Better than I do. I barely left the bed today. Only time I left my room today was to make something to eat or to have dinner with my mother. I didn’t even pee that much today because I haven’t been drinking any fluids. I know I am dehydrated because my pee is always orange. I have no thirst. I am past that. Sometimes I will get thirsty but it’s rare. I bought some orangata by San Pellangrino. I like it. Maybe it will help my dehydration. My grocery bill is over $200. I bought a lot of oatmeal and pancake stuff. I like getting the big stuff because I make a lot of oatmeal pancakes. I also like the simply orange juice and juice isn’t cheap anymore. My mother won’t buy it because it’s more than $3. I also bought a 9×13 pan that was on sale. But those pans are hard to find so I hope it doesn’t crack. It’s a pyrex dish with a cover. I bought it to make my brownies for my birthday. I figure I might as well have what I want for my birthday and this year I want a brownie cake with cool whip and cherries on top. All my mother has to do is mix it and put it in the pan. She also needs to buy the cool whip. I don’t know how long it stays so I figure when it gets closer to my day, she can get it. This is if I make it to my birthday.
midnightdemons7 
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