Category: Bipolar Disorder

Pain in the thigh and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Pain in the thigh and other things

I still feel low and in the dumps. As expected, my therapist told me all the reasons why I should be living. She even wants me to publish the blog I wrote last night. I don’t know why. I don’t think it’s any good. But then, it has so many hits today that it must be good. People don’t read something bad. I just feel like I am wasting my time living and all I can do is express myself the best I know how.

I did the errand for my father. I was walking with a cane because my leg is not feeling so good. I had twitches last night and it left it sore as hell. I can barely walk. He laughed when he saw me with the cane. That is my father for you. He only cares about himself and that is all. I feel worse after my excursion to his house and back. I don’t know what I was thinking. I just know I really didn’t want to go to his place tomorrow so I did it today. Now I am hurting more and all I want to do is take my pain meds and go to sleep.

Groceries came today. Putting them away was the start of my agony. I was walking all over the house putting the groceries here and there where they belonged. The fridge was full so I had limited space to put my refrigerated items. I got “permission” to eat my pumpkin pie as my sister is making one. I think that will be my dinner. I was going to make my steak but I don’t feel like cooking. I haven’t eaten too much today. I had a yogurt, some cottage cheese, and a pop tart. Now I feel like puking. I don’t even think I am going to go over my sister’s for Thanksgiving tomorrow. I really don’t want to be around anyone. I am just feeling so miserable.

This thigh pain that I am feeling really scared me. It reminded me about the time nine years ago I had my surgery. It took months to get it back to functioning. My therapist called it PTSD as I had an anxiety attack about an hour and a half before our session. The pain was so bad that it just caused anxiety for me. I told her about my feelings last night where I wanted to drink alcohol after I took my night meds. I thought better of it as whiskey and baclofen probably would not be a good idea. I hadn’t taken any pain meds because I wasn’t in any pain. I just had this twitching going on. I emailed my psychiatrist but I haven’t heard back from her. I also emailed her my story. I did take some Ativan too to stop the damn twitching after it went on for about two and half hours. I am so sick of worrying whether I am going to get cauda equina syndrome again or not. Every time I have some weird pain in my leg, I freak out and panic. I have been on edge all day. But the pain isn’t radiating and it’s not affecting my bowels or bladder. I have to go through a checklist every single time I get pain in my leg or back. If I don’t have this then I don’t have that. It’s awful. That is why I can never recover from PTSD. I am always triggered.

My heaviness in my heart is still there. The fact that I have found a song that equates my feelings perfectly helps. Jennifer Nettles just came out with a new song called “unlove you”. It’s another good sad song. But it doesn’t touch me as much as “Mixed Drinks about Feelings”. My therapist today was quiet most of the time. She really wanted to listen to me today though she wanted to go off on me. I don’t think she can tolerate my sadness. It brings her to want to do something to help me but there is nothing that she can do. Listening to her when she did speak did help me. It gave me some hope that there might be a tomorrow. I can’t tolerate today. It’s too painful.

A childhood friend of mine posted a meme about transgender. It was something like we shouldn’t make processed foods so why should we have processed people, meaning transgenders. It was that most offensive thing I have ever seen. I stopped following him. He has been irritating me for a while now and now I have to unfollow him because of his ignorance. This is part of the reason why I don’t seek treatment. I am too afraid of the discrimination I will face.

Quote of the Day 25 Nov 2015

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders, psychache, Quotes, suicide

“When people are suicidal, their thinking is paralyzed, their options appear spare or nonexistent, their mood is despairing, and hopelessness permeates their entire mental domain. The future cannot be separated from the present, and the present is painful beyond solace. ‘This is my last experiment,’ wrote a young chemist in his suicide note. ‘If there is any eternal torment worse than mine I’ll have to be shown.”

― Kay Redfield Jamison, Night Falls Fast: Understanding Suicide

heavy heart full of pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Heavy heart full of pain

I have been in a funk the past few hours. I thought it was because I didn’t eat for several hours but I had dinner and my heart sunk lower than it did before eating. I feel really miserable. I just feel really depressed and I don’t know why. That is the hardest part of dealing with this illness. It just takes so much just to go from a to b. I did a lot today but I still feel like I am useless. I feel like I have no purpose. I texted my therapist to tell me it is worth one’s while to live, but I haven’t heard back. I honestly don’t expect a response. She probably will give me a response tomorrow.

I just feel like my heart can’t take any more pain that I am feeling. It is getting to be unbearable. You would think that I would be used to it by now but I am not. It just rips my heart to pieces when the pain is so heavy. It clouds your thinking, but you don’t see it. Everyone seems happy around you and you try to be but inside you are dying. You can’t help but think of death. Least that will stop the hurting. You think of drinking your sorrows away. You think of anything that will ease your hurt. But nothing helps this heavy heart. It weighs on you like a boulder.

No one notices your pain. There are no outward signs that you are in misery. You put on a brave face and no one is the wiser. It is exhausting. It is tiring. It drags you down so deep that you don’t ever think you will reach the surface again. You are just stuck in a tunnel that has no light at the end of it. Nothing brings you joy or pleasure. Not even that one cup of coffee you used to enjoy. It’s tasteless now. Everything tastes bland. What used to have flavor no longer does. It’s so hard to find something you enjoy only to have it taken from you. The anhedonia is so awful. It also makes death more welcoming.

Depression keeps taking and the more you fight it, the more you want to give up. It’s like trying to keep the waves at bay when you are facing a tsunami. The waves are crushing you bit by bit. And you keep wondering why this is happening to you, that you must be a bad person to feel this way. I just think I am a worthless person that everyone seems to think that I am worthwhile. They are sadly mistaken. There is nothing worse than false hope. Yet that is what keeps some days, like today, a little brighter: hope. I wish you can bottle it and take it as a pill sometimes when your heart is weighing you down, because then you are so out of it that nothing seems to matter. You are just thinking of ending your life and that is all that matters to you. No one understands the struggle. No one wants to bear your pain. You are alone though people often tell you are not.  They are not with you in the depths of your despair, when it’s 3 am and you are clinging on to the rafters because the waves are overwhelming you. No, death is much more pleasurable than living. Sleep offers no solace from the terrors you face. It is short, too short to offer any comfort anymore. It seems to happen in a blink of an eye. A constant state of sleep deprivation doesn’t help the depression or the aching soul.

Death must happen swiftly to ease the broken heart. It’s the only remedy this disease calls for. The pain is too much for the heart to take. The weight is too much to bear. It screams louder than the pain inside. It’s like a tea kettle without the whistle. The pressure building but no release valve in sight. One day the heart will beat no more and the misery will end.

I’m Zipping

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I’m Zipping

I woke up at 0500 and I have been busy getting my groceries ordered and straightening out my Zipcar card. I decided to use the Zipcar today rather than wait till tomorrow or next week. I am so excited. I was going to go back to sleep but decided against it. I finally took a shower. I didn’t even get into the shower when it started making an awful noise. I quickly showered and got out. I think it was the fastest shower I took. I have to tell my brother in law about this noise. I think there is air in the lines or something.

I am going to see my therapist today. She is going to be so excited. I haven’t texted her yet. I figure I will surprise her. Maybe now, she won’t be so keen on getting an adjunct therapist. It will be good to see her again. It’s been months since our last face to face session. I will be bringing her the lyrics to “Mixed drinks about Feelings” and my NYT article. It’s just something to add to her pile. I am debating on bringing the lyrics to “Mr. Misunderstood”. The song is mostly about Eric finding himself in the music industry. Other than a few lines, the song doesn’t have any meaning for me. But I like the idea behind the song. And I always feel misunderstood.

I can’t wait till my grocery order comes in and I can have burritos for breakfast. They are homemade, not the prepared stuff. I need to make my own eggs. I am funny that way. Even when we go out to a restaurant for breakfast, I never order eggs. I like making my own.

It’s now the afternoon. I just came home from my therapy appointment. It took longer to get home than it did getting there. I had to get gas in the beginning of the trip because the idiot before me left less than ¼ of a tank. I reported it. It cost me a half hour of my trip because of it so I decided to take the highway to my therapist’s office. She was sure happy to see me. I was happy too. She still looks the same. I think it has been at least a year since I last saw her. I told her about my crappy weekend and how suicidogenic my mother was. It was a new word for her to learn. I was laughing because she kept on pronouncing it wrong. It took several tries for her to get it right. I also gave her the lyrics but we didn’t talk about it much. We’ll probably talk about it tomorrow. She wished that I could stay the entire afternoon. I wish I could, too. I think it would be a goofy experience.

The ride home seemed to take forever. I really just wanted to be home as I have been out most of the day. I left my house at 0900 and just came back around 1545. Nearly six hours out. I rented the car for 5 hours just to allow times for traffic and such. There wasn’t much traffic on the way home. It just seemed like it was a long road. I don’t know how many miles it was but it could just be that I wanted to be home fast and it was the long way home that was making me antsy. I didn’t have lunch while I was out. I should have had something to eat but I was hungry. Now I am hungry. My mother is making supper as we speak so it should be ready soon.

I got to call Peapod and find out why they are charging me more than what I clicked on for check out. It’s nearly twenty dollars more. I didn’t add any items and the sale items are still on sale so I am not sure why there is a discrepancy. I hate making phone calls. You spend most of the time on hold than you do talking to a person. Like I just called my doctor’s office to see if my prescription was ready to be picked up. I spent of the 8 minutes, 2 minutes was talking to an actual person. I just get so annoyed. They used to call you when it was ready but I guess they don’t do that any more. Jerks. If I don’t pick it up tomorrow, I will have to wait till Friday. They are only open in the morning that day.

My therapist was appalled that someone would open accounts in my name. I am glad I caught it before fraudulent activity could be done. It didn’t show up on my credit report yet, but then, my own personal checking account isn’t there either so maybe it won’t show up. I told her I reported it to the agencies, just in case. She still was shocked someone would do this. Just tops off the bad weekend I had.

I have had such a long day. Even though I am hungry, I really don’t feel like eating. I am just too tired to eat. But I am getting the shakes because the last time I ate was at like 0630 this morning. I feel like I should have ordered something, just to tie me over while my mother cooks what she is cooking. I am having nerve pain in my thigh. Probably because I sat too long today. It’s rare that it flares up. But then I don’t usually have long days where I am sitting in a chair. While I am in my bed, it is somewhat elevated.

Despite seeing my therapist, I still am depressed. I didn’t tell her about the anti-diabetic agent that I was thinking about going on to help with my chronic depression. It has too many scary side effects, which is probably why my psychiatrist never got back to me. I will still ask her about it when I see her. If it will help the insulin resistance, I am for it. But my psychiatrist is not an endocrinologist. She might not feel comfortable prescribing it. I will still ask my PCP about it, but he is leaving so I am not sure I can bring it up. I might need monitoring in the beginning that I don’t know about. I see my psych before I see my PCP so I will have a better idea if this medication is ideal for me.

I also didn’t tell my therapist my ex tried getting in contact with me the end of last week. We have had an off and on relationship over the years. Last year or two she blocked me on FB for reasons only she knows. Well she unblocked me and then requested my friendship. I didn’t want to deal with her so I blocked her. I don’t need her drama in my life. She is interested in me for only one thing and one thing only, and it’s not friendship. I am glad she is 90 miles away from me. It still hurts me that we can’t have a friendship but so life goes, I guess. She was my first love so she will always have a special spot in my heart. I have been thinking about her a lot lately so I am sure that is why she unblocked me. We have this weird connection where if we think of one another, the other is too.

I don’t know if I am sleepy because of lack of food or because I have been up for almost 12 straight hours. It’s a really cold day and I am just wearing a T-shirt. It’s kind of chilly but I was hot when I came home. I really think something is wrong with me, either I am coming down with a cold or something is wrong with my thyroid. Maybe if I nudge my pdoc, she will order a thyroid screen. It could be what is causing my depression, or at least part of it. I have been depressed for so long you would think I would be used to it. But it sucks because it just takes so much out of you. Putting on a happy face all the time takes such effort. It is exhausting. And it sucks because you just can’t do anything useful. I am glad I am not a neat freak. I would have died the way my room is. But it does need to be cleaned. My summer clothes need to be put away so they don’t get lost in the shuffle of my winter clothes. I still can’t find my Red Sox hoodie. It upsets me when I can’t find my  clothes. They just get buried. Much like my life.