Category: bipolar

feeling distraught and confused

by Midnight Demon, posted in bipolar, chronic physical pain, transgender, writing

I’m a little distraught today. Today is my BFFL’s birthday. He called and told me thank you after I called him to wish him a happy birthday. He then told me some stiffening news. His ex-fiance died in a car crash last week. I remember hearing about it on Twitter as I get the State police tweets. I just felt really bad because in my mind, I had “ruled” it a suicide because it was a single fatal crash. Turns out she had a seizure while driving and crashed into a tree, causing her car to explode. Not a good way to die. She was only 33 years old. I feel for her family.

I didn’t know her that well. We didn’t know each other at all, only through my BFFL. I met her a few times while they were together. She didn’t like me because she was a jealous type and thought I was going to steal him away from her. I kept telling my BFFL to say that I was gay and that would end any animosity but he wouldn’t. I guess he liked having a jealous girlfriend. She worked for the Mass Pike Authority so the last time I saw her was at a toll booth. I didn’t and she didn’t realize who we were until after we left. It was one of those do I know you but hurry up and leave type of situations. I can’t be spending all day at a toll booth. The cars behind me wouldn’t like it! I just feel really sad about the way she died.

I tried walking today, despite being in pain. It was horrible. By the time I was half way home, my ankle felt like someone was ripping it apart. I came home, got back into my pjs, took some nerve pain pills, one pain pill, and now I am writing my blog. I am not doing anything else today and hope to God today isn’t a crap day. I have nerve pain in my butt so bad I can hardly sit as I am typing this. I know I should be working on my editing my book. But I am in too much pain and soon will be in lala land. Besides, if I work on it today, I won’t be able to work on anything the rest of this week.

I have decided that half of my cash funds are going to Starbucks. I HAVE to be able to leave the house and go to Starbucks or I will just go insane in the house. My mother is now playing Yatzee, a dice game, instead of watching TV. It is so very annoying!! I rather hear the speakers of the TV than the roll of the die. She plays by herself, just to keep herself occupied. It is driving me crazy so I need to get out of the damn house.

In addition to seeing my therapist this week, I am seeing my pdoc. My pdoc sent me an email asking to come in for an earlier time. I asked again if she wanted me to come in early but I haven’t heard back from her. I think she got confused when she sent me the email but now I am confused. It’s a later time than I usually see her, which isn’t a problem, because I have nothing better to do. But I like to occupy my time accordingly. If she wants me to come in earlier, I would like to know.

I haven’t worked on the TG piece that I wrote a couple of days ago. I am going to wait until my therapist has a chance to read it before I work on it some more. I really want to re-write it, just write about how I came out to myself and where I am today with it all. I bought a reward for writing it. I felt like I should be rewarded for writing such an emotional piece. My BFFL doesn’t know I want to be a male. I think he will flip out or I might lose the relationship if he ever were to find out.

The editor for the AAS has given me a month to work on this piece. But I have so much time on my hands that I can’t possibly sit on it for that length of time. But I suppose I can alternate between my second book writings and the TG piece. I know the TG piece is going to be a huge part of therapy sessions in the upcoming weeks.

Friday Ramble

by Midnight Demon, posted in bipolar, chronic physical pain, depression

So I just got my delivery of groceries for the month. Every time I place an order, my mother always has something negative to say as if she spent the money for an item. I didn’t get that many things. Just water and my powerade, which was probably the most expensive thing I bought as I buy 20 at a time, sometimes 25. I do this because I have a back problem and can’t carry these items up two flights of stairs. So I have Peapod do half the work for me. The water (bought two cases and two gallons so I can make my iced tea) I leave on the living floor so that saves me a trip. I also bought my half and half, which my mother doesn’t use. The food I buy should last me a few weeks. I mostly bought cereal as I use more of it than my mother does.

Today I didn’t leave the house for anything. My foot has been feeling awful and I didn’t want the chance of pain tonight so just stayed in my room most of the day. Except for when I was having something to eat. I also watched two episodes of Rizzoli and Isles, my favorite TV show. I thought about watching a third show (I have them saved on Tivo) but I got bored. I have a lot of shows to catch up on but I just don’t have the brain power to watch TV all day like my mother.

I have to harvest my game but I lost interest in playing. I don’t know why I continue to play when no one gives me the stuff I need to complete the missions. I usually play if I am killing time for my therapy appt or something. But even the news feed on FB doesn’t have the stuff I need. I feel so out of it when I came home from the hospital because there were items my neighbors were asking for and I had no idea what mission they were playing for. It is so frustrating so I lose interest.

I worked on the transgender piece today. It was very difficult to do. I think it’s the most emotional piece I have written since my book. But something like this is personal. I came close to coming out to my mother this morning with it. I don’t know what came over me, but I just felt like saying to her, “ma, I am a male”. I don’t think that would have flown over very well, but at least I would have said it! It would be out there. Whether or not she took a nice response to it, is another story.

My best friend from childhood’s birthday is this weekend. I was going to mail him a card but I think I will call him instead. It’s the same day as my cousin’s so I never forget. He always forgets mine, always has but that is ok.

I feel really drained today. I slept fairly well, even though I woke up again at 0430. I stayed up for about an hour or so then went back to sleep. I was in pain so I took my pain meds and was quickly back to sleep. I didn’t play on the computer or write because sometimes that really wakes me up and I can’t go back to sleep. But I didn’t do that so I went back to sleep about an hour later and slept until almost around noon. I didn’t drink coffee today. Sadly, this is the first month that I can’t afford my Starbucks funds. I have around 4 bucks left in my account and that is it. I don’t know what I am going to do. I have $40 cash but that has to last me for the month. It is so hard living off disability. I still am waiting for the 3rd deposit for my book sales. I know it won’t be much but maybe I can squeeze in a Starbucks drink or two during the month.

I need a job…

pain and sleep ramble

by Midnight Demon, posted in bipolar, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Got things done today

Last night I started the process of changing the bedding and sheets on my bed. See, half of my bed I use as my “office”. It has books, journals, my laptop and a couple of other items. So clearing it off was the real problem to changing the linen. Once I did that, I got the comforter off the bed and washed it. I knew it would take a couple cycles to dry in the dryer. I already had a set of clean sheets. Trouble was that today after I took my shower, I didn’t want to do anything. I had a rough night sleeping and thought a shower would wake me up. It had the opposite affect. But once the comforter was drying, I knew I had to change the sheets. I forced myself to do it and it went quicker than I thought it would. Usually I only have one clean set of sheets because I always put the clean sheets somewhere and forget where I put them. But the last time I washed my sheets I put them in my bureau where it wouldn’t get lost and hopefully the clean smell would stay on it. Score for me.

This is hard because it always hurts my back when I do change the sheets. It would be easy if I didn’t keep my bed as an “office” but it is easier to work from my bed than from a desk. I know sleep docs would have a fit if they knew. But I won’t see them as I know my problem with sleeping comes from my mood disorder than any other cause. Last night, I slept a few hours and was up at 0230. I wrote a nice blog, something about demons and that is all that I remember of it. I was in a lot of pain when I wrote it and also was a little drugged up with my pain meds. But I had to write. It was the only way I would get back to sleep. Around 7ish, I was finally ready to call it a night. I wish my sleep schedule would be normal but when I am in pain, all bets are off. And I was in so much pain last night it woke me up. Then I started getting cramps in my neck that just wouldn’t allow me to go back to sleep. It was a really bad night. Probably the worse since being home from the hospital. And I was so angry at my treaters. Angry that they had kept me alive. Angry that I was in so much pain and couldn’t sleep. Angry that I couldn’t vent with someone because it was 3 in the morning. I was so WTF at everything.

I am to have a lunch date with my aunt this week. But I don’t think it is going to happen because I have my appointment with my PCP this week. It’s an appointment I am not looking forward to. My blood pressure is still borderline high to high at times. It seems to be worse in the evening. I don’t know why. I will mention that to him as well. He isn’t going to be happy with me because I gained a few pounds while in the hospital. I have been trying to work it off but it’s been so difficult as all I want to do lately is sleep because my nighttime sleep schedule is so fucked up. Maybe I will go for a walk tonight. It can’t hurt. Well, I suppose it can. I just never know what will jack my pain up. Sometimes it is over activities. Sometimes its doing NOTHING but resting. I just don’t get it. I know that if I go up and down the stairs more than a few times, I will hurt. My ankle just doesn’t like the normal flexion it is supposed to have. But I really have no idea why I woke up in excruciating pain last night. I am so baffled. I know part of it is because I was sleeping on my left side (I usually sleep on my right). But I was in a deep sleep and for me to be woken up in severe pain, I just don’t get it. I wish I could talk to some doctor about it to help me figure it out. My PCP is useless when it comes to trying to figure out my pain. But then, he is not a pain specialist. And the pain specialists don’t have any answers for me either. So I am stuck with figuring it out on my own. I need to become a pain expert and study pain but the brain is so damn complicated. I am lucky if I remember the structures of the brain. I can’t even remember the amygdala from the gyrus. It has been too long since I looked at it and its pathways. My memory is not the same as it once was. I used to have photogenic memory. Now, I am lucky to remember things such as when I had lunch or breakfast.

They say not to use the word “demons”

by Midnight Demon, posted in bipolar, chronic physical pain, depression

They say not to use the word “demons”

In recent news about suicide, attempt survivors are asking that the word “demons” not be used and that the real “thing” be used. I forgot the term as it was many days ago and I don’t have that much of an attention span that I used to have. It got me thinking about my blog as the word “demons” is used.

I don’t really care what these people say, I am still going to have my blog and though I don’t talk about the “demons” in my blog, I mostly talk about how I feel, which is often suicidal. These suicidal tendencies often come out in the middle of the night, when I can’t sleep, and when I am in pain. I would write some horrible stuff and get a lot of people concerned.

Tonight the “demons” are out. I am hating everyone that has kept me alive the past few weeks. Though I could kill myself now. It doesn’t make a difference with the time frame. I am in excruciating pain and just want to end things. I am so tired of fighting pain. It used to be just psychological that the fight was about. Now, it is both physical and psychological and I am sorry but I can’t keep fighting both. It is too hard. I know that I will feel better in the morning, when I get a few hours of sleep. But right now I could write an email to my psychiatrist and tell her how much I hate her for keeping me alive. I could text my therapist with the same hate. But instead of doing that, I am just going to blog until I fall asleep.

What makes my life so special that I can’t commit suicide? Robin Williams was special. He did the deed. So do a lot of people, every year. They say that 39,000 people will take their life in a year in the US. And the number of attempts are in the hundreds of thousands. Or maybe it is a hundred thousand. We just won’t know because it is so underreported. Many people survive their attempt and often don’t seek medical attention afterward. It is so hard to kill the human body. It boggles my mind when I hear of homicide, though. Seems like that should be higher than suicide but it is not (and please correct me if I am wrong).

But aside from the global effect of Williams’ death, I still feel like it is my turn to die. I really don’t want to live knowing I am going to be in pain the rest of my life. It’s too much of a burden to think about. But I am lucky that all I need are a few pain pills to ease my pain. It doesn’t get rid of the pain entirely, but just enough that it takes the suicidal feelings away. I just took these meds but it takes a half hour or more to work. Chronic pain is a big risk factor for suicide. I know because I live with it every day. My treaters know that. That is why I am hating them at this moment. My foot is throbbing up a storm. I don’t know if it has to do with the weather change. My body can’t tolerate huge gaps of temperature changes. But I have no control over that and I am not about to move to another state. Yes, moving to California might help my pain but it will be isolating because I have a few friends there and most of my family are here. Isolation and being suicidal do not mix. That is why I stay at home. It is a preventative factor for my suicidal brain.

I don’t know why I am up at 3 in the morning. I woke up in pain and still my pain meds have not kicked in. The “demons” are still around me, wanting me to try and take my life. But that will involve getting out of my cozy bed and I am too tired and in too much pain to do so. I guess you can say I am too lazy to take my life. So I write about it instead. I won’t write about the methods that have been swirling around my brain. But one of them include the method Williams chose. He is a brave person. It takes a lot to kill yourself. I am not giving him praise, the media has already done that. But I am happy for him. People in the hospital didn’t understand that. And maybe you might not either. I am happy for him because HE is no longer suffering. HE succeeded where I am a failure. His suffering has ended while mine is still going on.

He died as a complication of depression. I like that term. “Complications of depression” yes, I like that term very much. But I doubt it will be used for my death. The throbbing has escalated. My foot is now on fire. And there is no extinguisher in the world that can put out the fire. So I take another pill. I hope that I am sleeping soon.