Category: blogging

3 March 2016

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

3 March 2016

Dear Bozo,

I have seriously thought about therapy the last few days. I feel like I am a burden to you and that you will be better off without me in your life. It’s my fault I have not gotten better. I should be able to fix myself but for whatever reason, I am unable to. You have been a good listener, but I can tell you are tired of hearing me talk these days. I probably talk about the same things and it annoys you.

I know I am a boring person. I live in a bubble that is surrounded by trauma every where I turn, whether it be due to external circumstances (e.g., my father) or internal ones (e.g., my pain). I joined a PTSD chat the other night. I didn’t talk much, just observed what the conversation was about. One day I hope to tell my story, in pieces, but I am scared it will be too triggering. I went off the other day on Twitter with CES stuff because of pain. I didn’t talk about my bowels or bladder, just that pain had controlled me and always gives me anxiety when it reaches a certain notch. It’s not all the time I have anxiety due to pain. But I am always on edge because I don’t know if pain is going to cause it or not, so I am anxious about being anxious.

I have been struggling with the need for therapy the past week. Our relationship has been different than the other relationships that I have had, in regards to therapy. One, it has lasted longer than the others and two, I never really thought about leaving even though I have said I wanted to. When we had this discussion a few months ago, it really terrified me to think I was really going to lose you. Since then, our relationship has changed. And I quite don’t know if it is for better or for worse.

You talk about your anxiety of dealing with me sometimes gets in the way of our talk. Maybe it is for the better that I leave you. I hate causing you pain.

My psych hasn’t returned the email about setting up an appointment. I am in an “I don’t care mood” so will not pursue her. I really don’t care. I am just a burden to her as well. I am just too “weak” right now to deal. I feel I am a failure and she is tired of my bullshit, too. I have read the emails that I wrote. And who cares that I have lost my appetite and a few pounds. No one cares. It isn’t like I am skinny and need the pounds. It’s not like me to have physical symptoms of depression. I am waiting for the heartache to set in and finish me off. I thought about hanging myself tonight. I was feeling that bad. But I don’t have a beam to do it, least not in my room. I just want to be dead. It’s good I don’t own a pistol. I would be dead three times over already. I just have my pills. Maybe a 60 day dose of my blood pressure pill will do the job.

I know talking about killing myself sets you into anxious mode. I am sorry. It’s just the way that I feel.

Random 255

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Random 255

My appetite is finally back, least it was for today. I had a couple slices of homemade pizza for lunch and then some ice cream. Now I feel sick to my stomach but I am full. I didn’t know where my mother put the ice cream. Apparently, there are two freezer drawers in my sister’s fridge that I didn’t know about. That’s where it was hiding. I am thinking about getting some Ensure for the days I am not eating, but it’s expensive so we’ll see how it goes.

My psychiatrist wrote back to me today. She is back in the office. I have been waiting all day for an appointment with her. I’ll probably have to email her again. But the way that I have been feeling, I really don’t want to see anyone. I feel like I am a burden or that I am just too much for my psychiatrist. I know I feel that way about my therapist. I was writing about it in my journal this morning. I just feel that both will be better off without me.

I am again plagued with fatigue today. I kind of wish my thyroid wasn’t normal. It would explain so much, not that I want another medical condition. But then I wouldn’t have to always blame my tiredness on the depression or chronic pain. It’s just so hard to deal with and it’s difficult to get going when you don’t have anything to do all day. Tomorrow I will have to go to my father’s to do his meds just in case I need to call his doctor’s office for a refill. If I wait till Saturday, I will have to wait till Monday and I might not remember.

This morning I was dealing with pain. My ankle just didn’t want anything to do with walking, standing, or going up or down stairs. It made such a fuss that I had take two pain meds to calm it down. It made me sleepy so I took a nap for a couple of hours. Even during the day I can’t sleep more than a few hours at a time. Even now, after I had lunch and a snack, my ankle is starting to flare up again. I was going to go to Walgreens to get some stuff but I think it will be another day. I am just too tired and I don’t want to test my ankle walking. Plus it’s cold as anything out. Even the house is cold.

I vaguely remember Jack coming out today because he was so angry at my therapist. It doesn’t look like I will be talking with her today. And I think Jack is really mad because of that. I think he thinks she just doesn’t care anymore. And with the depression being as bad as it is, I kind of believe it. Lately, she has been so distant and I don’t know why. Maybe I am too much for her. I told her she should just run away from me. She is only going to get hurt. Jack really wants to cancel therapy next week and not go back. I fear that if I cancel, she is going to honor the cancellation, something she has never done in the past. Usually, I have to beg and plead to get out of a session. Now, if I cancel, that is it. Session is gone. No more fighting or talking about it. I think she is tired of me. I think I am not going to see her for a while, get caught up with my account with her and then cut her out of my life. I don’t need therapy. There is nothing forcing me to go. I have no court order or anything of the sort. I think I am just going to stop therapy. I will tell her I just don’t need therapy and will continue to pay her until my account is paid off. I am sure her billing people will be glad to get rid of me.

Jumping around (a book) and other thoughts

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Jumping around (a book) and other thoughts

So my last blog I wrote about how I bought a book about the standard legal and ethical care of the suicidal patient. In the appendix it listed an “Anti-suicide” contract. I was curious about this as I was hoping it had nothing to do with a “no harm” contract. I was correct. It was similar to the “commitment to living” contract that I wrote about here. But the funny thing and I don’t mean the HAHA funny, is that it lists the lethal dose of common drugs in this book. I won’t go into specifics about these tables, but for an anti-suicide book, I find it odd. I have never seen a table like this listed in a preventative book before.

The book is the second edition, not the first like what I thought I ordered. The original book was printed in 1991. The second edition, 2002. I didn’t know this. I have heard of the author before. He is in another book about the legal and ethical treatment of suicidal patients. That book is co-edited with a bunch of other suicidologists. I had bought both books because it was referenced with an article I was reading and I wanted to read the reference. Trouble is, I forgot the article and the reference. I didn’t make note and so now I have these books but I don’t know why I have them. They will be read in the course of the year. I am doing a reading challenge on GoodReads.com. It will come in handy because I don’t have 20 books to read this year. I have about 15, which leaves me 5 short. I have read 6 books so far this year for this challenge. I had put Dostoevsky’s Brothers Karamazov on it but I think I am going to remove it. It’s much too long to read and I have like 6 books on Kindle I downloaded that I want to read. Four of these book are Lawrence Block books. I had started one book but I read “Common Struggle” today and I am wiped out for reading. I still have Harry Potter to read. I don’t know when I will get around to reading that book.

I had pizza for supper. My mother made it and it was good but my stomach didn’t like it. I think I ate too much as I haven’t been eating good the past three weeks or so. I think I am going to have to have some Alka-Seltzer to settle my stomach. Tomorrow I will buy the generic version of Mylanta. The PPI that I have been using for my reflux just hasn’t been cutting it for indigestion.

I had to bust out laughing when I saw the weather report for Friday. We are supposed to get 0.1 inch of snow. That is nothing! Why even bother reporting it??!! And they are calling it a fucking storm! Are you serious?? The weathermen have nothing better to do these days then to call snow that is 0.1 inch a storm. RIDICULOUS!

For the past half hour, my leg/ankle/foot has been having a weird pain. It’s starting from my calf muscle and is wrapping its way around my leg to down my ankle and foot. I have never felt this before and it’s not my usual pain that I have. My toes are singing to me. That is my usual pain. But that is also because I got zaps in my toes a little while ago before this weird pain started.

My father is still mad at me. He is paranoid. He thinks my sister and I are conspiring to kill him. I had the “pleasant” task of talking to his doctor’s staff today about his refusal to take his medication. Apparently, he told my father he doesn’t want him taking it. Well, don’t you think I should know that?? I am so pissed. Here I am telling the guy to take his meds or bad things will happen and the doc told him not to. I am livid. As the “keeper” of this medication, I should have been told this information. And getting him back on this medication is going to be a hassle. I am not going to be the one to tell my father this because I am “trying to kill him”. He better be put on some other blood thinner. Or I will have him go back to his cardiologist and have him explain to him that he needs to be on it. I am done with coordinating with a PCP that has no regard for the family members who deal with my father’s medication and then leave out pertinent information regarding it.

In other news, there was a “trespasser” on one of the commuter rail lines today and he/she got hit by a train. This is the second person to get hit and now they are closing the station temporarily. I seriously doubt they will say it is a suicide attempt or not. The T doesn’t report “jumpers”. But I am wondering if someone was crossing the tracks and they got hit by the train because it was easier than going around the world to get to the other side. I have seen that happen before. No one got hurt but it is still risky.

Crazy Bastard II

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

Crazy Bastard II

I just got off the phone with my father to tell him he has a doctor’s appointment for tomorrow. He isn’t going. He doesn’t want to see his doctor. He doesn’t want to take his Coumadin, he is mad at me, thinking I am going to kill him, so I am done. I want nothing to do with him anymore. He has it in his mind that Coumadin is dangerous and shouldn’t be taken. It is the reason why he got so sick in the hospital. So I am done.

I texted my sister but haven’t heard back. For some reason, I am crying and I never cry. Bastard is going to kill himself and I should care less. Maybe it’s the relief of not having to deal with him anymore. I canceled the Zipcar. I am not going anywhere tomorrow. I’ll cancel the appointment in the morning, too.

I didn’t go anywhere today. I was up for 21 hours straight yesterday and all I could do today was sleep. I had a black bean burger for lunch and it’s been the only sustenance I had all day. I am not hungry. I still feel bloated from eating pork chops last night, even though my system has been cleaned out with the senna. Frankly, I don’t care if I ever eat again. I seriously have lost my appetite and I don’t care if I get it back. I was going to vote, but I felt so weak and the thought of taking four buses wasn’t appealing (two to get there and two to come home). If I could walk there, I would but it’s like four big city blocks to get there and I just can’t do it. It would kill me.

I never heard back from my PCP’s office. I guess being a few points down on potassium isn’t a big deal like I thought it was. But then, it’s not like I am being followed by someone that knows me. I know that if my other PCP was there, I would have received a call today. My psychiatrist hasn’t returned my emails. I guess she has nothing to say.

I had therapy today. We were trying to talk about the need for therapy but I felt like I was going to pass out on her so we talk minimally. I told her I still feel obligated to see her, even if my account was zero. She said we had to find out why that is. Yea, right. She also will try and ease up on the way she feels about me. I don’t know what that means. Maybe it will mean she won’t she her affection towards me as much. We still don’t know why I need therapy to begin with. I am not saying my issues have been solved. They are ongoing issues. I only am seeing her once this week. I would have seen her tomorrow but my father screwed up those plans and then some. She wants me to think of the reasons why I am in therapy or something like that, to talk next week about it.

That is her standard answer for everything, we’ll talk about it next time. Write down my thoughts and we’ll look at it next week. I frankly, don’t remember what we talked about or how I felt because staying awake was important. I knew that if I closed my eyes, I would have passed out on her. It was good that I didn’t drive to see her. I might have had an accident. She seems content to be talking on the phone these days. Of course, she wants me to practice more self-care these days. I still have a vague idea about what that means. All I know is that I need to take a shower soon and it won’t be happening tonight.