Category: blogging

Letter writing and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression

As I have my sister’s car while she is away, I took my mother grocery shopping this afternoon. We had lunch afterwards. My ankle wasn’t happy when I woke up this morning but because I am driving, I can’t take my pain meds. I need to pick up my niece in a few hours and really would love just one pain pill. But I just can’t. Her father called and said he will be late tonight because he has an errand to do for my father.

Last night as I was having a difficult time sleeping, I wrote another depressing letter to my therapist. It was another goodbye but thank you letter. It was contradictory to say the least. I am glad I went to sleep before I wrote a similar one to my psychiatrist. If I sent that to her, I think it wouldn’t go too well. I don’t know why I was writing the letter. I guess I had to get things off my chest. The midnight demons were really out. I didn’t get to sleep until around 0200. I took my meds later than I usually do, though I had taken my pain meds around 20:00. I really am glad my therapist doesn’t have email. I would be sending her the most awful letters. But that is what pain mixed with no sleep get me. It brings out the dark side of myself.

Psychosis wise I am doing better. I think the delusions have shrunk a little and I am not so paranoid as I was before. My psychiatrist got back to me late last night and asked how I was. I told her I was still delusional but managing. I haven’t heard from her today. It just sucks because I never know if the psychosis is going to land me in the hospital or not. The only thing that would force the issue would be if the voices were telling me to harm myself. As long as they aren’t commanding, I can deal with them. But it’s a fine line. Sometimes I want the safety of the hospital so that nothing does happen but then I get drugged up pretty good. Or my meds get played with. And I hate that.

I wish I could say I slept late but my mother and brother in law called me around 0830 so I only got around six and a half hours of sleep. It would have been nice to have slept longer. I don’t know why my mother didn’t just call me later in the morning. She knows that I get up late. My brother in law was concerned because apparently I left my sister’s car open. Why he couldn’t lock the car manually, I have no idea. Every one depends on the clickers these days.

Temps are dropping tonight and I am glad. I can’t stand the hot weather. I like wearing shorts but I hate sweating. I don’t know what the weather is going to be this coming week. As long as it’s in the 50s I will be happy. I checked my bank account and for some reason one purchase I made yesterday still hasn’t posted to my account. I hate when that happens.

Sports and Other Things

by Midnight Demon, posted in baseball, Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Been trying to write today but keep being distracted by Twitter. A lot has been going on today in the sports world. Deflategate has resurfaced and in baseball news, the pitching coach was fired. In addition to that, my *favorite* pitcher got designated for assignment, which means goodbye, see ya, hope to never see you again. He was a good for nothing pitcher, giving up home runs with inherited runners, all the time. He lost more ball games than I can remember winning. Or if we were losing, made sure we really lost. But the firing of the pitching coach, to me, was unexpected. I understand as the pitchers barely went more than three innings the last few games and it’s hard on the bullpen to be called earlier than they should start. Someone had to get chucked and it was the pitching coach. I am sure the hitting coach is probably next if the Sox don’t start hitting. You need good pitchers and hitters to win games, even if it is by one run.

Deflategate is back because the NFL just ruled that the Patriots and their quarterback was “probable” in deflating the balls for a game. No punishment has been issued, officially, but the haters want to see them stripped of the Superbowl title, the QB suspended 2-4 games to a year and the head coach fired. It is ridiculous. I don’t know what is going to happen. I just wish they would hurry up and make a decision so this can all go away. I know every single game this season is going to bring up the deflated balls. I usually don’t listen to the commentary because the game is so fast. I am watching the game more than listening to the “analysis” or prediction of what is going to happen next. It really is stupid. What happens, happens. Next play the QB could trip on his own feet and there is a fumble rather than a great play. You just don’t know. Though the game is a little bit more predictable than baseball. You know the QB is going to throw the ball to someone and hope he catches it.

There is not a Sox game tonight because it is a travel day. They are usually off on Thursdays. I am kind of depressed that there is no game because I have literally nothing to watch. I could watch my shows but my mother is still watching hers. I won’t be able to get the TV until after eight. But my foot/ankle is hurting so unless I got to go to the bathroom, I am not leaving my room.

I had therapy for the third time this week. We talked but it didn’t go anywhere. I swear whenever she says “this is something we need to work on”, I cringe because I know it’s not going anywhere beyond today. I really want to tell her this, but I just let her finish her thoughts on the subject and let them land where they may. Today’s topic was how not to get guilt tripped by my mother and I had to laugh because she, my therapist, guilt trips me all the time. It was a hard session because physically, I didn’t feel well. I kept on getting congested and the post nasal drip was making me very nauseated. There were times during session I couldn’t speak because I didn’t know if I was going to puke or not. Allergies are in full range today and my nose kept on dripping. This is despite taking an antihistamine that is supposed to last 24 hours. Lately, it has been lasting only 18-20. I was also feeling dizzy most of the day, which is weird. I have been keeping up with my fluids so I am not sure why I was dizzy.

Today was the first day in a long time I woke up early (around 0500) and then went back to sleep! It was only for a couple of hours but I went back to sleep. And I didn’t take a mid-morning nap like I usually do. I did try to take an afternoon nap before I picked up my niece but that didn’t work out. I just rested. I still haven’t heard back from my psychiatrist concerning my delusions and what to do with them. I should have paged her last night. I was really in bad shape but I am better today. I talked about it with my therapist as I was paranoid after our session and the voices were watching me most of the day. I ended up taking my meds early and was asleep before ten or there abouts. So I slept almost seven hours straight. I hope to get that much tonight.

A Lot of Walking Today

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, Paranoia, psychosis

Lot of walking today

I finally got my new glasses today. And again it took two trips to the store. I should have stayed in the Square because when I got to my home square, the place called me saying the second pair was ready. Now I can see without straining my eyes. I love the sunglasses. They are just dark enough, the way I like it. But to get there and to do an errand, I did a lot of walking and stair climbing. My ankle really hates me right now. I will probably pay the price later tonight. Walking to my friend’s place was longer than I remembered. And he didn’t tell me his office was on the 3rd floor. Bugger. But I did my good deed for the day.

It was really hot out today. I was a sweaty mess by the time I came home. I am going to have to shower. I am glad I didn’t before I went out. I hate when you take a shower and then become all hot and sweaty and need another one.

I had therapy today. I don’t remember too much about what was said. I am very tired from my exertions. My legs feel like rubber. We did talk about my blog for a little bit and about writing a second book. This lady thinks I can just produce books like they were going out of style. It’s been a year since my first book. And I am slowly working on my second. It’s just hard when you feel like killing yourself every fucking day of your life. It’s like why bother. I was hit with an idea for another short story. I got as far as a title and that was it. The title is the character in the book. I haven’t decided how I am going to write it. And I still don’t know if I will be infringing on rights of the Stargate show by writing this story. I might just publish it on my blog, though, just so I don’t collect a cent from it, just in case.

I am very tired and I hope that I sleep tonight, till at least eight tomorrow morning. I am so sick of waking up before six most mornings. It’s just a really long day, especially when I can’t go back to sleep. I go to bed late to try and stave off waking up early but it doesn’t matter. Once I have my few hours of sleep, I am up. I honestly don’t remember the last time I slept for at least six hours straight.

Last night, I had a trigger. My delusions are back and so are the damn voices, and not my usual kind. I might end up in the hospital this go round, if things don’t improve. I am really paranoid today. On the way home, the bus was getting full and I just felt like everyone’s eyes were on me. I couldn’t wait for my stop to get off the bus. Because I am feeling psychotic, the new book I wanted to read, “Lethal Code”, I am holding off. It has to deal with conspiracy and cyber wars. Not a book I should be reading right now, even though it may seem like a benign book. I just don’t want to become more delusional than I already am. I know the trigger for me was talk about Islam or ISIS or both. I don’t remember what exactly set me off. I know I was talking to my friend Chris about the delusions on Friday and maybe that wasn’t a good idea because I am still convinced the leaders of the ISIS group are being controlled by aliens. And they want Americans so they can behead them. I am very scared that this might happen with an invasion in our country.

Don’t Start

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain

I can’t fricken sleep. So I thought I would write about why I can’t sleep. It’s because of pain I can’t sleep. I never took my shower like I wanted to. The pain was too bad. It’s worse now that it’s almost 0130 in the morning. It’s not surprising. I haven’t been keeping on with medicating myself. I just took two pain pills to try and get me to sleep.

I joined a chat tonight and it didn’t go well. I hate it when I say something and then I am “attacked” for what I say or it is taken the wrong way. But other people got my meaning. It just takes one jerk to get me upset. The Sox losing also got me upset. I had taken a break to join the chat after Breslow gave up a three run blast to make it 8-0. What is really funny, and I mean the HAHA kind, is that the starting pitcher, who gave up 5 runs and lost his second outing, thinks he is going to be the Cy Young winner this year. HA, with his ERA, he is seriously smoking something.

I am 100 pages away from finishing the Graveyard Book. It’s getting more interesting but there are still questions left unanswered and I am not sure they are going to be. I fucking hate that. But I am too tired to finish it tonight. I really hope my glasses are done tomorrow, but I doubt it. I really want to see good again. Even as I am typing this, I am having a hard time focusing.

It really sucks when you are in a foul mood. I am playing Terri Clark’s “Don’t Start” to try and calm me down but it’s not working. I am all riled up and I don’t know why. My mother had a hypo attack today. She threw up and her sugar dropped. My sister had to give her OJ and fed her a sandwich. Then she got sick again the other end. I feel bad and now I am watching her to make sure she doesn’t go downhill again. It’s so stressful being on alert all the time for these types of things. I can’t sleep when this happens. Probably one of the reasons why I am still up. Between the pain and worry, I am just not sleepy enough, despite being tired.

I really wished I killed myself the other day. I am so tired of living this life. My therapist’s parting words from our last session was don’t discount her love for me and appreciation for me. There was a third thing (my therapist likes to say things in three’s) but I don’t remember what it was. I hate my therapist. But I don’t know what I would do without her. I love her, too and that complicates things. UGH, it drives me crazy. I really dislike being loved and having it used against me. I wish I could be a heartless person but I’m not.

It’s weird that I can feel the love of my therapist but I can’t of my own family members. I just can’t see to feel anything with my family. I question their love because I am distrustful of it. I know I can’t trust my father when he tells me he loves me because he is a pathological liar. My mother never says the “L” word, at all. My sister do more frequently. I tend to trust them a little but more, but I can never take it in. I am not even sure if I really love them. I just have grown immune to it, jaded even. We exchange words but it’s mostly via text message. Never said out loud. I will tell my nieces and nephew I love them out loud and via text message. I mean it with them. And it’s important that they know. They help keep me here. I know my nephew has the strongest hold on me because he is the oldest.

I have been getting hot flashes at night and tonight is no different. I have the ceiling fan on because I am really hot. I don’t know what is causing these hot flashes. I brought it up to my PCP when I saw him last but he just blew me off. I guess because I wasn’t having any other symptoms, I was fine. It’s just uncomfortable because sometimes I have to remove clothing to get relief. It sucks!