Category: blogging

Loss

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging

Loss

My friend that I am close to, lost his father. I don’t know if it happened yesterday or today as he is in South Africa. I feel bad for him because his father is in England and now he has to travel there.

This is the 4th loss of a parent of people I know this year. It saddens me because my parents are relatively in good health and are much older than my friends parents. This is because my parents had my sisters and I at an older age.

I got into a fight with my mother today over the cable. We put in a call because the digital converter box is not working. The guy said yesterday a tech would come out between 12-2. He never showed up. I waited till 5 pm. I told my mother I would call today and see what I could do. Well, I woke up early, like 0500 early and by 8 I was tired and wanted to sleep. She kept nagging me to call and I said why don’t you call. She gave the “excuse” that she was babysitting. A nine year old, not a nine month old that required attention. But I bet dimes to donuts its because of her hearing she didn’t want to call. She is fucking deaf and won’t do anything about it. Yesterday when she called, she had me go downstairs to complete the call because she didn’t understand what the guy was saying. She drives me nuts.

I am also thinking about my Godfather who died this month three years ago. And also my Aunt who also died this month last year. The date is close to my Godfather’s death. I didn’t see her before she passed because she was very ill and had shingles all over her face. I wanted to remember her the way that I do now, not like what she become. I did go to the wake and funeral. It was very painful as she was a close aunt. I grew up with her. But because of a language barrier (she only spoke Italian, dialect), it was often difficult to have a conversation with her other than yes and no. I am grateful she didn’t get Alzheimer’s, even though she was more than 90 years old.

My godfather died suddenly and peacefully. I think he had a pulmonary embolism (blood clot in the lungs). His death was more traumatic to me than my aunt because she had been sick for a while and he was not. He wasn’t in the best of health as he was 82. He had Alzheimer’s so every time I talked with him, I had to explain who I was. I don’t think he really remembered but he just had a conversation with me just the same. It became harder as the years progressed so I stopped calling except on his birthday and holidays.

Think I am going to take that nap that I should have taken this morning now. I am so drained and I just had a cup of coffee. I hate when the coffee has the opposite affect on me. I really wanted to do some writing today but don’t look like it’s going to happen. Maybe after my nap.

What My Blog is About

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mental illness, mood disorders, suicidality, suicide, suicide attempt, writing

What my blog is about

I feel like I should write this because I am tired of having to censor myself while writing my blog that is an important outlet for me. I started this blog because I was in a deep dark whole. It was a way for me to express my dark, suicidal thoughts. If this bothers you, please find another blog to read. I am not going to stop writing my thoughts because you find it offensive. This is what my blog is about, my midnight demons. I will never post the where, why, what, when I will kill myself on this blog. You will never know. But if there is more than three days of me not posting, I guess you can assume the worst, unless I am in the hospital and I am unable to post. I will usually post before going in the hospital as I very rarely get an involuntary admission. And I don’t do stupid things to hurt myself. There may or may not be a goodbye blog. That is something that will happen when I am close to really acting on my thoughts.

So, again, if my suicidality is too much for you to handle, go find something else to read. I don’t need friendship to help me through my thoughts. My writing is my therapy. And if I have to start censoring it because someone is offended, then it hurts me more than it hurts you. That is your problem, not mine.

On another note, if you don’t like what I write in this blog, DON’T READ IT. No one is forcing you to read my blogs so if it offends you or upsets you in anyway, go the fuck away from it. Find another blog to read and criticize.

Feeling tired and listless

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain

Feeling tired and listless

I went to bed feeling pretty perturbed. I am glad the trilafon helped to ease my suffering for a little while. I wish I slept a little more but my damn phone kept going off. It started with my pill reminder for my day meds (which I forgot to take and now is too late to do so), then several phone calls, two of which were from my father. I told my therapist about this and my MIA psychiatrist. I don’t know if I was in a mixed or psychotic state fueled by my suicidality or just agitation. Whatever it was, I am ok now, though I would rather be sleeping but I am still waiting for the delivery of my new printer. It is supposed to come sometime between now and I hope 1730. I have been keeping an eye outside for the truck. Lots of snow in the street and so I hope it won’t be delayed another day. There is still a snow emergency in effect in my town until 2000. Kind of ridiculous as it’s a sunny day out, but it is brutally cold.

If the delivery wasn’t today, I probably would have gone out to get my last prescription. I still have some left over but it’s not going to last me the week. I will try and get it tomorrow after my appointment with my father. Yes, I get to deal with the bastard tomorrow. I got to take him to the doctors because he can’t go on his own. I rather shoot myself in the head than take him to the docs tomorrow. Good thing I don’t own a gun.

We talked about various things in therapy. But mostly about my psychotic episode. I haven’t been like that in a while. I took my pink pill the day before and been taking it every other day with no problems. Now I had this episode, I don’t know if I should go back to taking it every day. I would ask my psychiatrist but she is not available. The trilafon I took seems to have calmed me down some though I still feel a little unsettled. I might take some more tonight to see if it helps. Trilafon has always been my “go to” drug when I am like this. And I don’t have to wake up early so hopefully, I can sleep late. I am going to try and go to bed early tonight.

Mail hasn’t come yet. I am still waiting for my Amazon order as well. I just need my calendar. There is an empty space on my wall and it is driving me nuts because that is where it is going to go. My walls are so bare. I really don’t have anything hung up. I had this beautiful Mexican stamp poster that I framed in my other place. It’s still packed along with my other stuff. When I moved into my current room, everything was tossed in it like garbage and I never could clean it because I got so overwhelmed. Then I lost one of my alcoves when I moved my one bureau in my room. It still doesn’t hold all my clothes, but does most of them. I hate not being able to clean and you would think with all this time on my hands, I would be able to. But it overwhelms me. Plus, I start cleaning, get distracted with something, and then do nothing. I am going to try and clear off my bureau one of these days. It has a lot of shit that I don’t need anymore. I just need to go through it, like everything else in my room.

I thought about writing my short story/blogs and putting them into a book. Only problem is the ones that I picked out are really short, like not even two pages long. That is not really a story. Sometimes, I am able to write long blogs but lately, I am lucky to write 500 words. It’s a struggle to get the words out, especially like today where all I want to do is sleep. Maybe if I print out the stories/blogs, I can work on it and make them longer. I don’t know. I got to work on something. It’s driving me crazy not doing anything but struggle all the time with everything. But that is what depression does to you.

NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS ARE SUPERBOWL CHAMPIONS!!!!!

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression

NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS ARE SUPERBOWL CHAMPIONS!!!!!

I took a nap before the game. I didn’t wake up till around the 3rd quarter but I watched it from the beginning to current play (I recorded the game). It was a difficult game. But the last touchdown that put the Pats on top was great! But with a few minutes left in the game, Seattle threatened to score. In comes the rookie and bam, interception. I was telling myself this guy who threw 4 interceptions last week didn’t throw one yet. His time was due and it couldn’t have been more perfect. It was such a huge play. I am so happy my Pats won with literally the skin on their teeth.

Snow storm is coming in, again. I won’t be going to PT again. I have decided to call it quits. I don’t give a fuck. I just was able to calm down my foot. I am not going to do exercises to bring my pain levels back up. I just don’t want to be in pain anymore. And if this is what I have to do, then this is what I have to do.

My pdoc got back to me. She said that she is “healing slowly”. No other word. Dammit, I need to talk to her! I hate this email crap. Sure it is fine when it is someone from another State or country but this person is my doc. I shouldn’t have care that is solely based on email! It is very frustrating.

I woke up around 0300. I couldn’t go back to sleep so I went on Twitter and saw all the posts about the Pats win. My therapist isn’t going to be in the office today because of the snowstorm. School got canceled once again. I hope they don’t cancel tomorrow. I need to talk to her! Last week was the first time in a LONG time that we only talked once a week. I need my twice a week sessions. I haven’t been texting her that much. I have nothing to say. I am just worried about things and only she can quell the anxiety around it.

I canceled my PT therapy appointment. They called before I did, super fricken early. There would be no way I could go even if I wanted to. Shuttle bus is delayed and so are the MBTA buses. It is a fricken blizzard out there. I’m not going out. I checked on the delivery of my printer and that seems to be on hold as well. Damn weather! I want my printer now dammit! But at least it is in my the town I live in so I should *hope* tomorrow will be the first delivery it makes and I don’t have to wait till the end of the day!

My stuff from Amazon won’t be coming till the end of the week. I ordered a must needed calendar. It helps me keep track of time and days rather than always looking at my phone. I also got my Selsun Blue shampoo. It was cheaper than it would be at Walgreens, $6/bottle. Can’t beat that price when they go for at least 8-9 bucks. I got the one specifically for itchy scalp so I hope it helps me.

I am playing all four accounts to play my game on Facebook today. I wish I could say that I was bored but each account just needs about three things. I also have to remember where I planted the short crops (those that take a short time to harvest) as I am getting confused. I keep having to log back out and in again. Luckily for the three accounts the password is the same. My main account has a different password that I change frequently so I don’t get hacked. I am getting old missions done on these accounts but one account, I completed one and got four more! Yikes!! Luckily, they were easy. I still have to plant 60 pumpkins (short crop, 1 hr) and then harvest them for the mission. Might do that tomorrow.

If the streets are clear tomorrow, I might go into the Square and get my last, lone prescription. It is the last one that I desperately need. The other one can wait.

Think after switching back and forth through my accounts has tired me out. I really don’t remember what I am doing anymore, and for which account. Might take a break and then do some more later. I need to do some reading today, anyways.