Category: blogging

to go on living a life you don’t want to live

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression, mood disorders, suicide

It’s wicked cold out today. I was going to go to the store to buy some half and half but I think I will wait till tomorrow. I can get my coffee at Starbucks before I meet up with my cousin for lunch. But that means no coffee for today and I am kind of grumpy.

I wanted to work on my book today but I think I am vetoing that idea. I just don’t have the brain power to do it. I was also thinking of working on this paper I conjured up but even the ideas for that have slipped out of thin air. I just can’t get motivated today. I know it’s because I haven’t had coffee in two days. I should steal my sister’s car and go out to Starbucks. But that would involve getting dressed and such. I am rather comfy in my bed right now. I don’t want to leave comfy confines for a freezing, windy day. Amazing to think how much coffee controls our lives. I know some people can’t handle it because of its side effects. But to know the true joy of having that first sip of coffee…that is profoundly so good. Unless you don’t have it because you are too friggen lazy to get out of bed and get half and half. Grrrrr. I am denying myself joy because of laziness. And now I am cold and need my long sleeved shirt…

OK enough about coffee. I am not getting it today because I am lazy. Enough said. I am having an argument with myself on my own blog about coffee…jeez this is funny! Or boring.

I have a ton of books to read but have not picked one up since I ended Team of Rivals. I just have the indecision factor going on because I have so many books to read I can’t choose which one to read. Do I want something about Lincoln again, the revolutionary war, the battles of the civil war, or a book about madness and creativity? I actually did start reading the madness and creativity one. But I usually have two books going at the same time. I don’t know why that is. I also have a book on bipolar disorder that I haven’t read since it came out. It’s probably outdated by now as they have newer treatments available. The book was written around the time when only Lithium, tegretol, and Depakote were the standards of treatment. Now they have much more to help.

I have been thinking about what I want to do for the month of December. It is going to be weird because I had set a date in December to kill myself and now it doesn’t look like that is going to be the case. I didn’t plan on having another birthday. I didn’t plan on seeing another new year come in. This sucks. Now what do I do? I plan on being a scrooge for my birthday. No extended family members allowed. Just the parents, my sisters, and their kids. My birthday is close to Christmas and I usually get shafted with gifts anyways. I always get one for each. I hate this time of the year. When people started posting the dates of Christmas getting closer, I unfriended them. I didn’t care. I wasn’t going to have my wall filled up with the joy I never feel. I never feel happy at Christmas. I am always sad. I have thought of taking my life since I was nine around my birthday. Maybe one year I will succeed in doing it but not this year. And that to me hurts more than anything else, to go on living a life you don’t want to live.

another shitty night of sleep

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, cauda equina syndrome, CES, chronic physical pain

I had another shitty night of sleep. I was in pain for most of the night and then when I woke up this morning, I was in the same amount of pain. So I took some pain meds, made breakfast, and then went back to sleep. I didn’t wake back up til after 3. I still am tired but not in so much pain. It has quieted down some, though I don’t know for how long.

I just had dinner a little while ago. I swear I could go back to sleep but I know that if I do, the same pattern of sleeping is going to resume and I am not going to get anything done. I still have to put my edits into the word document file. That is going to take some doing. And when I do it, I am shutting off my fricken phone because I don’t want any distractions. Even as I am typing this, some text messages are coming in or alerts for Words with Friends. I don’t need them. Ok I am a little grumpy because I have not had a good sleep and I am tired. If it wasn’t so late, I would probably go to Walgreens, get my half and half, and then make me a cup of coffee. But it’s after 6 now and if I have coffee now, I am going to be up half the night. I should make myself a cup of tea. That will wake me up but not keep me up. I really need to go to the grocery store this week (after Thanksgiving) to get more tea and pick up my coffee for the Keurig. Now that I have edited more than 100 pages, I can get my coffee reward. It might sound strange but it’s the little goals that keep you going when you are working on a project.

Last night I emailed my writing partner and told her I was thinking of going to Amazon for publishing and what did she think of it. I haven’t heard back because we really haven’t talked about how to get my book published other than me writing it. And I will be damned if this thing just sits around while time goes by. More and more people are publishing their stories about suicide. I would like to be among them. I also told her about my worries about the first few months of this being successful and then nothing. I just hope this doesn’t end up making me lose my disability. I will be so upset because it took me so long to reach that point to admit being disabled and go for it. And then I will be flipping out because I don’t know what I will do for income. But on the other hand, if my book is really successful, then I don’t have to worry about it. But I know it’s not so there is that fear as well.

Might write another blog later. I can’t keep up with this one so I will stop here.

I’m an idiot

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression

I started writing a paper for today’s blog but I kept on getting distracted. I will have it for you probably tomorrow when I am more clearheaded.

I finally edited more than 100 pages for my book today. I am past page 100 so I only have about 60 more pages to go. Then I can go to the editor and see what she can do. I have to say that I am taking out more than I am putting in. This is going to be a short book. But I still have the intro and ending to do so maybe that will add some pages. I got some good news…the editor can take me earlier than I thought! I could have this baby done by March instead of later than that! I am excited. I just emailed her to see what her status was and if she is still interested in working with me. I just have to work out a payment plan or saving the money. I really want this to work and I am not the greatest at saving money. But I think I have worked out a plan. I just hope I don’t have to borrow money from my mother. That will suck because I don’t think she knows I am writing this book and I don’t want her to read it. She never really supports me like my sisters do. I don’t think she would approve. Granted I have kept talking about my family to a minimum.

My back is not doing well today. I was looking for the article for the paper I am writing and tweaked my back because of bending down and then my mother wanted help with her new “toy”: a hard floors cleaner. My back is so not happy with me right now. But I have meds to take care of it and some stretching to do later should it act up. It definitely didn’t like me kneading the muscles with my knuckles so I know it is angry. Plus the weather is not helping me. Fricken cold and rainy today. It was supposed to “warm up” but it never did. I think there is a possibility of snow if the temp continues to drop. FUN! I am not going out until Monday anyways. But I need some fricken half and half. I cannot believe I fricken placed an online order for Stop and Shop and forgot half and half for coffee. I am an idiot!

rambling 58

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression

Literally spent the day in bed. I was so tired that I couldn’t be bothered getting out. I woke up with pain again, took my pain meds, and it was lights out. My mother woke me up to say dinner was ready and I just had it now. I hate it when I have days like today where all I want to do is stay and bed and do it. Tomorrow I have to get some editing done as I didn’t get any done today. I didn’t even so much as read. I played on the computer for a little while this morning after having breakfast and then it was lights out. I hope this doesn’t disrupt my sleeping pattern. I was really getting some sleep with me adding the remeron to my regimen. If I am able to get some good sleep tonight, I will ask my pdoc to write a script for it so I can get some decent sleep. I find that I don’t wake up in the middle of the night like I did without taking it.

My biggest thing that I had to do today was take a shower, which I still have not done yet. Last time I showered was I think Sunday. So yes, I am pretty gross right now and smell so rosey, not. I was trying to see if my family members would notice if I didn’t shower or anything and no one did. I wasn’t expecting them to.

I started to re-read Touched with Fire by Kay Redfield Jamison. I finally found the entry I have been looking for regarding Edgar Allan Poe’s letter. I have it practically memorized. It is a good account of what it is like living with a torturous depression such as lucky me, I have. And what makes me all the more special is there isn’t a medication I can take to control all the symptoms. It sucks. I don’t know why I bother taking my mood stabilizer sometimes because I still feel like shit. But I know that if I am feeling like shit now and I stop taking it, I am going to be beyond shit.

One of the other books that I dug out from my stash was Paul Quinnet’s book Suicide the Forever Decision. I have not read that book in years. I have to say it is one of the well known books and it is free online in PDF form if you want it here. When I met him last year at the AAS conference, BOY is he fricken tall. I am like 5 feet tall. He is like at least 6 feet 2 inches. The picture that someone took for me is unreal. It looks like I am next to a giant. If I was good with media, I would place the pic in this blog but I don’t know how to do that. Anyways, when I was talking with him, he was trying to get the book on kindle for free. It’s not yet, but it is a low $2.99 (USD). But go on the website and get yourself a free copy of it. I printed it out and have it in a binder because I forgot where my copy was. It’s not the original that I had because the spine is fairly new. My copy would have been a dead spine. I have read that book so often. It really helped me when I was a teenager and it still helps me today.

You can say that I didn’t have time for suicidal thoughts today. I was too sleepy and drugged to be suicidal. I wish my pain was gone so that I didn’t have to think about what lies ahead for me with it.

The next few months are going to be hard for me financially. I am going to try and save some money so that I can pay the editor to edit my book. Thing is, I have to wait until fricken March for her to take my book. I don’t know if I can wait that long to have my book just sitting on a hard drive. I do hope by then I can have some people read it and tell me it is a good book or if changes need to be made. I might have to ask the people in my support group to help. I just need one or two or three people to look the book over and see if there are things that I missed or don’t make sense. But these people would be someone I have to trust and be able to work on my book without backing out of the commitment. And I know some of the member deal with pain all the time and would really be a challenge for them to read a book in a selected time frame. But I still have lots to do before I get there because I still have no table of contents or introductory passage or a solid ending. The ending that I had, I had to take out because it wasn’t kosher (long story).

I hope I am not getting sick. My throat has been hurting me for most of the day. I hope it isn’t that same virus that I got a few months ago. That was horrible. I couldn’t swallow for almost two weeks. And I really don’t want to be sick for Thanksgiving.