Category: blogging

it sucks living with CES

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression

I still have been in a weird mood. I don’t know why. Seems so weird that last week I was in the depths of a suicidal depression and this week I am the complete opposite. I am not manic or anything because I am eating and sleeping at least 6 hours. I keep waiting for the shoe to drop. I am a little more depressed today than I was yesterday though so maybe I am going back to my normal depressed self.

I editing my book today and I just felt sad about it. People are going to be reading about my condition called Cauda Equina Syndrome (CES) and know about my difficulties going to the bathroom and my issues with taking a shower. I know I shouldn’t really put it out there but my book is compiled of my blogs. SO the words are out there. I have not gotten any criticisms or negativity on my blog. But I don’t know if my book will make the headlines or anything. It will be the first book that I know of dealing with CES and what it is like living with this condition. The thing is people need to be aware of this condition because it can happen to anyone. It doesn’t discriminate. I am no medical professional but trust me you wouldn’t want this condition to happen to you. It sucks living with CES. You have medical professionals that don’t care after you have had surgery about the nerve pain or the nerve damage that leads to possibly another chronic pain condition known as CRPS (Complex Regional Pain Syndrome). You get this condition and you are pretty much in pain for the rest of your life. I have the milder form of the condition so I am not in a 10+ pain every day but there are days when I do nothing and it flares up. Lately I have been ok with pain so maybe that is why my mood has shifted. But while I was walking home tonight, I got within the corner of my block and my foot acted up. It was killing me by the time I got home. It feels ok now that I have it up and I am laying down in bed. Thank god for laptops.

Not only do medical professionals deny that you have damage, but they also forget when you remind them the next appointment. I go through this every month I see my primary care doctor. It is like I am seeing him for the first time for my ankle pain, every single month! I get so frustrated. And now he thinks he found the cure by having a cortisone injection. I don’t want an injection. I don’t believe in them and I believe they can cause more harm than good, especially to joints. Plus, it isn’t an exact science. There is only a 50/50 chance it will work. Why should I go through the pain of having needles stuck in me for a 50/50 chance? No thank you! I don’t like those odds. Just like I didn’t like them for my back problem. Sometimes it works for people, but with my luck, I will be the 50% that it won’t work. And I am NOT going to be the one to say yea I will have it done JUST to have it done. Again, No Thank you! My body, my rules. I am not going to have anyone dictate what should be done with it. Pain medication is working for me so why not stick with that? I know that eventually the pain meds will stop working for me or I will have a dependence on them but as long as my doctor prescribes them, my life is manageable. And isn’t that the important thing?

Ramblings 59

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging

I didn’t think I would blog today as I am supposed to be “off” but I am in an irritated mood. Thanksgiving went well. I didn’t murder any family members or mouth anyone off, though I wanted to very badly. Not so much the murder part, but mouthing off to the two people that were competing for attention tonight. I won’t say who they are as my blog is a selfish one, it is all about ME. LOL. Actually, this blog is the only place I can be me.

I got my stupid menses again. I hate it because I just fucking showered today and now I am a mess and need another one. GGGGGRRRRRRR. I am hoping it stays to just some spotting or I am going to be a wreck. It is weird because I haven’t had the usual wicked down mood before the spotting. I have been in a good mood the past few days, which is also unusual. My psychiatrist thinks it is a good thing, but with me, good things don’t last. And there is usually a downfall.

I got some bad news yesterday that every time I think about it, I start crying. My BFF from high school father passes away suddenly. I have been in shock and don’t know what to do about it. She lives far away from me and there is no way I could go up and see her. Her parents sort of became my own when I was in high school. They cared for me like their own. I will never forget that. We still keep in touch after all this time.

Tonight I also talked with my BFFL. We were only on the phone for like 40 minutes and it felt like hours. It was so great talking to him but we just talked about the past. It’s like we are stuck there for some reason, like that is all we have to talk about. Granted we never reconnected after I moved out of our little town and moved on into adulthood. I can’t really say we have done anything as adults. We just got too busy to get together.

I finally got the editing done for most of my book. I just have the last forty or so pages to do and I will be done. I will have to re-read it over one more time before I think it is ready for someone else to read but it’s getting there.

I am getting worried about my thumb. It has been twitching for some time now and it is now happening more frequently. I don’t know if it has to do with carpel tunnel or not. It doesn’t hurt. But it worries me that I don’t know why it is doing it. My aunt just got diagnosed with Parkinson’s disease. Granted she is eight-nine years young but still, it is significant. The twitching could be any number of things, from too much caffeine to side effects from my medication to overuse from the computer. I am just hoping it’s just a fluke and goes away on its own. The twitching doesn’t last long but when it’s done, my thumb feels fatigued.

Thanksgiving Blog

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging

The Thankful Blog

I am thankful for my writing partner that is there for me every day and helps me in my writing ways.

I am thankful for my blog readers because without you, my blog would be meaningless.

To my blogger friends, without your support, I doubt I would keep this blog going like I do.

I am thankful for my friends and family members that keep me here even if they don’t know it.

I am thankful for my psychiatrist and therapist that help me to see things differently and give me hope when I no longer have it.

I am thankful for my Facebook and Twitter readers and the support they give in the things that I do.

thinking of my future is so not me

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, psychache, suicide, suicide attempt

You know, I never really thought ahead with time before. I found that if I did it overwhelmed me too much so I always stuck with today or the hour or sometimes the minute because I had to. But now with this book that is turning into my baby, I am finding myself looking forward to the future more. Totally a weird sensation. I am not saying this makes me less depressed. It makes me a little less suicidal or have suicidal thoughts that float more rather than linger.

Today I have been in a weird space. I had a good session with my therapist and for some reason it put me in a good mood. Now I am wondering if I am hypomanic because I am in a good mood and have been up since 5. Things with the hypomania can spiral out of control quickly so if I am not my usual pessimistic self I tend to worry.

My writing friend said that I should write about this weird sensation but I am finding it difficult to because it is so not like me to think about the future. Usually my future is pitch black. I don’t have one. I know everyone does, but for a LONG time I just didn’t. Thinking about the future brought worry and anxiety. I had to get through today first and that was always difficult enough so I stopped thinking about future things. I still think that I can get my degree and my doctorate and be the therapist that I want to be. I know that I don’t want to be old and gray though, too. I have Alzheimer’s on both sides of my family so I know there is a good chance that I might get it. I already am having trouble with memory. I often write things and I forget that I write them. I don’t know if it is the dark side or just another part of me that was in the moment and I had these ideas. I am sure when I look back on this post, I am going to be like WTF, I wrote this?? That is so unlike me! And it is and that is what is weird.

My friend also thought that I don’t reward myself because of my suicidality. I have been suicidal for so long that I don’t think I can look past a month at a time without fearing losing my life. It’s like I am a Klingon and wake up every morning asking is this the day I am going to die? People don’t understand this. I know my family would be watching me like a hawk if they had any clue just how suicidal I have been the past few months. And the past two days I have felt like I have been in an alternate reality or something because thinking of my future is so not me. But this book that I am writing and sort of slaving over has given me a different perspective. I want to see this book published. I want to see this book successful. If I sell 100 copies, I will be happy, least for a little while. But I didn’t go on disability to be a successful writer. The bad stuff is still under the surface. I was re-reading “Touched with Fire” and came across a quote from Hugo Wolf “I appear at times merry and in good heart, talk too, before others quite reasonably and it looks as if I felt, too. God knows how well within my skin, yet the soul maintains its deathly sleep and the heart bleeds from a thousand wounds”. This is so true of me. I appear to be merry, cheerful, happy to the outside world but inside I am tormented and my heart bleeds. Nothing can stop the bleeding. I thought that working on this book would help the ache, and it has to some degree but it is still there. I might not be feeling it 100% of the time, all the time, but it is still there. I can’t deny it anymore than I can deny my foot pain that also is my nemesis. I am my own worst enemy. But today I can say that I am more a friend.