Category: blogging

therapists and feeling violated

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, depression

I’m tired. I didn’t get that much sleep last night because I was up in the wee hours of the morning. I then had to wake up early for my therapy session. I feel kind of violated for some reason because she was able to read my blog while we were talking. Usually I send it to her in advance so she can read it but this time, I didn’t want her to read it. But the little snot figured out how to. I then had to talk about what I wrote, which I didn’t feel like doing. I don’t even remember what I wrote. I know the world can see what I write. I know that at least 30 people a day read my blog. But they are mostly strangers to me, if I know them at all. To have my therapist just barge in on my writing, it just felt wrong. I am kind of upset over it but there not much I can do about it now.

Like a commentator wrote, I am not the scumbag of the universe. That was the thing we (my therapist and I) were arguing about. Apparently, she doesn’t love scumbags so I can’t be one. Well sorry but I felt that way at the time I wrote it. I still feel pretty nasty, as in awful low life of the planet that should be exterminated. I guess I am not in good space today and I don’t know why. I still am so sleepy. I haven’t had my coffee today because I am running low on my Starbucks funds. I have to ration my coffee funds till Wednesday. I know I can make some coffee at my sister’s. I made a decent iced coffee the other day. It didn’t wake me up like Starbucks but it got the gears moving so I could type and read a little bit. I do have my Starbucks tribute but it’s kind of late and it might keep me up if I have it now.

I think I am cycling or something. One day I can’t sleep to save my life and the next day all I want to do is sleep. I don’t see my pdoc until next week. These episodes are driving me crazy. I hate not knowing what is going on. And the psychache that I have been feeling has been off the hook. One minute I am fine the next I am in horrible pain. I feel chest pain or a weight on my chest and I can’t breathe normally. It’s not an anxiety attack, I know what those feel like. This is something different and happens when the psychache just creeps up on me to remind me it’s still there. I think that is why I haven’t been able to get anything done that I wanted to. I just have been weighed down with this invisible weight. I guess that is what makes me sleepy.

I have to bitch about my game that I play. I have been playing the same game on Facebook for the past three years now. I like it because it gives you missions to accomplish and it is better than Farmville where all you do is plant things. You still plant things on the Pioneer Trail but now the missions have increased and are getting more ridiculous. The latest one has you having to fill daily orders. The thing is the stuff you need to fill the order has to come from your neighbors and planted for 7 hrs so you really need to jump on this game for you to collect the stupid gold dust I think. I don’t know if I am making sense but the only other way of beating this mission is by buying horseshoes, which means you have to spend money. I don’t have the money to spend for this game anymore. I used to when I had it but now I don’t. I used to call it my entertainment expenses. But I’m broke now and even if I did have the money I am not going to buy horseshoes for a mission that is going to be impossible tomorrow and require more horseshoes. I have three facebook profiles just to play this game, so that I can get the stuff that I need. It’s because every time I request stuff, my neighbors don’t respond. I respond to their stuff, but they never respond to mine. There’s one little twit I just want to tell her you got to give in order to receive but I feel it would be a waste of my time. And she is always begging for stuff. If the stuff she needs I happen to need also, I will get the reward. Other than that, she can keep requesting. I just made it to level 118.

constriction and rationality

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression

Been in an angry mood today after therapy. I just realized that if I kill myself on the date I was planning on, it won’t mess with the statistics like I thought it would. I tried to find another Friday with a 17 this year and there isn’t so now I am permanently retired with the suicidal planning, for now. I am so friggin pissed off. And to make it worse, my therapist talked me into another fricken session for tomorrow.

I’m listening to Bon Jovi to try and calm down but it’s making me a little more agitated as I really love their music and sing along to it. But it is distracting me from writing. I might be a little hoarse tomorrow from singing…

I got up early today and made myself breakfast. I had like two hours to kill before I had therapy so decided to get my coffee earlier than I usually do. I had to do something as this heat is intolerable. I am stuck in my room because it is the only cool place in the house. AND I am bored as hell. I might watch a movie today or MASH. I haven’t had my MASH fix in a while. I miss seeing Alan Alda and the guy that plays Frank Burns. It cracks me up. And I need some laughter.

I just read a blog about a parent that lost her daughter to suicide recently. The girl was 23 and was in med school. She wrote a two paged suicide note so suicide was on her mind for quite some time to write such a detailed note. Funny, with all my planning, I thought of writing on but I have yet to do so. I figured when the time came I would do it. I would have to write several, for each family member, except my father. He doesn’t deserve one. Nor would he be able to read it as he is illiterate when it comes to the English language. I don’t know how he has been in this country for more than forty years and has yet to pick up the basic words or even try to learn the language. He speaks it ok but now that he is older he some times forget to speak English and will rattle off in Italian. But I digress…

I don’t know what I would say in my letters. That I am sorry that I couldn’t be around and take the pain anymore. That the depression was too much and I couldn’t stand it. That no one is to blame for my death. My treatment team did the best they could in treating me but still couldn’t get through this resistant depression that I have. No medication really worked. I still suffered despite being medicated. No hospitalization worked to the full effect, especially the last few times I was in. The whole system is a failure but that is another issue. I love each of you dearly but sadly that love is not enough to suffice the pain I feel every day. Even with the courageous help of my therapist she couldn’t break through to me that I mean something to someone. I am a nothing and always will be.

Something like that anyways. There will be no need to mention that I feel like and was meant to be a boy. It just seems like a mute point. I know that I will never be a male nor will I ever be seen as one. I will always be seen as a daughter or a sister. And that is painful to me.

My therapist said that I am being irrational even though I am feeling rational because I am so constricted with feeling suicidal. I do feel rational. She even went as far as calling me borderline psychotic. I had to laugh. I do feel rational about my decision to kill myself. It seems logical that if I am suffering as much as I am, I have the decision to end my life because I want my suffering to end. It doesn’t have to make sense to anyone but me. Like that girl that killed herself, I am happy for her because she is no longer suffering. I know her parents are and her friends. Depression hurts. There is no denying that. It affects more than just the sufferer. My therapist was trying to get me to see that I matter to people but I don’t think I really do sometimes. I think I am the scumbag of the universe and I deserve to die. I don’t know why I think that way but I do. Even with the accomplishment of having 10,000 readers, I still feel useless. I might help one person with my writings but I think about the ones that I can’t reach. Like the people that ask questions about cauda equina syndrome. Those people are more at risk for suicide than those suffering from depression alone. But I guess I can’t save the world.

anxiety and buses don’t mix

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression

I had therapy today. Seems there isn’t a day when I don’t have therapy. I asked my therapist if she thought I should be in the hospital but seeing as I haven’t had a split episode in the last few days, there might not be a need. I don’t know what else we talked about. Seem to cover the whole weekend and what my pdoc said about the splits. I hope that I don’t become Mr. Hyde again. Those bouts are really painful emotionally to go through. I still have the letter to Jobes. I am debating sending it to him but deleting the part where I tell him I am ending my life. Right now I am not feeling it. I hate when I feel it and then I don’t. These suicidal feeling really don’t last too long but I still am wondering if I am letting myself down by continuing to live. I had a pain flare up after I changed my bedding and after I took a shower today. I just feel like my life would be better off if I were dead. But I have my writing and people in my life that need me. Not to mention my readers on my blog.

I just passed the 10,000 mark for viewership. Ten thousand people read my blog. I feel so honored. When I woke up this morning I got the last 7 views to make 10k. Turns out there was someone in Turkey that read my blog and I thank that person.

I am still feeling down. I have a new project that I am working on. I am going to write another paper about CES, Cauda Equina Syndrome. I have the idea for it where it answers people’s questions about recovery and such. I wish my CES 101 paper got some hits when they view it and I am not sure why it doesn’t get a hit. But then I read it and found that it has no intro so I will work on that later today.

I had an anxiety attack today while on the bus. I took the 15:13 bus, which I have avoided to take because of a certain mentally disabled passenger that annoys me. Today was wicked muggy and I didn’t feel like waiting for the next bus at 15:42 so caught the earlier bus. I wish I didn’t. When we got to Magoun Square, a bus load of kids got on. I don’t know which one of us flipped out first, the mentally challenged guy or me. Well not really flipped, but panicked. Then a lady with a two year old in a stroller got on and blocked the entrance way. That is when I had to get off the bus. I was having such anxiety it wasn’t funny. I haven’t had anxiety like that in such a long time. I had to stand near the rear exit and prayed the bus driver didn’t miss my stop like he has in the past. I will never take that time bus again. I just can’t stand the anxiety this guy makes me feel. I have seen him flip out and with my PTSD, I just get really nervous. I have been in situations while inpatient where you can see guys like him flip out because you invade their personal space or just walk by him and accidently touch him. It was one of those situations. And today he looked like he was out of sorts already. It just makes me really uncomfortable. I still am shaking just writing about it.

hospitalizations

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, CES, chronic physical pain, depression

Feeling a little bit better today, not as gloomy. I still feel depressed however. I just can’t seem to get away from it. I wish the highs would return. I miss them.

I am the worst grilled cheese maker in the world. I tried, again to make one and burned one side while didn’t cook the other enough so it was soggy with butter. Or maybe I just put too much butter. I don’t know but I suck at making this meal. I even burned my gums because the cheese was hot. OUCH. I don’t think I will be making anymore grilled cheese any time soon. I’ll just have my mother make them! LOL

I am close to making a milestone with my blog. I got another 30 or so views to go before reaching 10K. If I do this before Thursday, I would be happy, least for a little bit. Thursday marks the one year anniversary for my blog. I am kind of excited that I will have 10K. I have been giving updates on my facebook page with the countdown and also with my Midnightdemons facebook page. I even got to reading my own blog because as I have said before, I don’t always remember what I write. Even when naming a blog I have to go through the search to see if I named a blog this already. I have over 300 blogs to far so it is hard to remember sometimes what I write.

Right now, I am working on another paper for Cauda Equina Syndrome (CES). I have noticed that a lot of people find my blog using search terms for CES. I think it would be a great idea if I had a fact sheet or something to tell beginners about this or those that have been newly diagnosed. It can be very terrifying to get this diagnosis and sometimes people just don’t get the care that they need or worse, don’t get diagnosed at all. I won’t go into specifics about the condition but if you are reading this and want to know more, go to http://www.caudaequina.org to learn more about this devastating condition. I have been living with this for twelve years and through my support group, have learned to live with it better.

Today I am supposed to go out with a friend to the movies. He is an eye doctor and works where as I am disabled and don’t work. The last few times he has paid for the movie tickets and I just got the popcorn (which can sometimes be as much as getting the tickets!) But this time I am short on funds. I have just enough just to get my Ativan prescription filled and then that is it for the next week and a half. I will be totally broke. I find it totally humiliating that I am again without cash funds for the third month in a row. I have tried budgeting this time and it didn’t work. When my check comes in, I have bills to pay and food to get. There usually isn’t a lot left over. I might have to cut my Starbucks fund but then I NEED my coffee and need to get out of the house so I can’t really cut my fix. The whole money thing is depressing me. I wish I was still collecting the long term disability but I owe them because I didn’t know you can’t collect SSD and LTD at the same time. So the money I was supposed to get, they are taking until my balance is cut off. Which will be in about twenty months from now, in which time, I probably will be off it. I don’t know what I am going to do then as there is no way I can afford to pay them with my SSD. I guess by then I can start working part time somewhere and have a little extra but I can’t do that now, especially when I am having splits and psychotic symptoms.

I have my meeting with my therapist tomorrow. I am kind of glad I do. I just am having a rough weekend. Thoughts of killing myself are still in the back of my mind and I so want to go through with it. I am just so tired of fighting with myself every day on trying to keep myself from going through with it, tired of putting on a “happy” face so my family doesn’t know I am depressed. Just so tired in general. I know I probably should be in the hospital but they will just kick me out in a few days if not two weeks. It’s really hard to stay past that length of time. The insurance just doesn’t want to pay. I get letters from my insurance (while in the hospital) that “Dr. so and so thinks you should be discharged but if you feel like this is wrong and need further care, talk to your attending doctor for an extension.” I’m like, really?? I am in the hospital and you send these to MY HOME. How am I supposed to refute what you are writing. Though my favorite is when these letters arrive AFTER discharge!! It is comical though not really. Not like I want to really stay in the hospital but I think some time there is beneficial. I don’t have to put up a façade every day like I do when I am home. I can sleep most of the day without it being too disruptive. But I would be lost if I didn’t have my games and my cell phone with me. I guess that is why I fear going in the hospital. I don’t want to lose access to my phone. I would hate not having music because I don’t have a separate MP3 player. It is my phone. I would be so lost without listening to music while in the hospital it wouldn’t be funny. And then trying to have a check in with my therapist would be impossible. I have had that happen to me one hospitalization where I couldn’t get a hold of my therapist and my therapist couldn’t get a hold of me because the floor phone was busy. I hated that. And the only reason they deny you using your phone is because it can take pictures. Like really? I am going to take picture of this place or a fellow inmate? For what? I am not the idiot that has to post 90 thousand pictures on Facebook or twitter or Instagram every single day. I use my phone for its use and for checking email. Sure I will be on twitter and Facebook but it will just be on MY status updates and not someone else’s. I won’t say that John smith is having a bad day and took a nutty and had to be restrained. That is not my place to. Though I did have one hospitalization that a patient actually kicked down the metal door of the unit. That was scary. He was a BIG dude. I was scared of him. He was kept mostly sedated for that reason after that. He was also psychotic. But now that I am thinking about it, so was I. He kept talking on his ipod thingy or maybe it was his phone, I don’t know. But only he was allowed to use it and the rest of us wasn’t. Totally not fair!!

So I guess that is why I am resistant to going in the hospital. I won’t have my cell phone to listen to music and make calls, check emails, and play my games. Seems right to me!