Guest Podcast

I am featured today on the PTSD and Beyond Podcast for PTSD awareness month. Here is the link

Saturday Blog Post 29052021

Saturday Blog 29052021

I still have the urine infection. I have been taking the urinary pain tabs and it has been helping my urge but also suppressing the urge to go. I have had to cath three times during the night as I was up again around midnight. It had been more than six hours since I last voided so I cathed and omg urine was everywhere as I was so full. It was like popping a balloon. Luckily none went on the floor. I cleaned up afterwards so my sister wouldn’t have a fit.

I shaved my beard off. I then took my weekly shower. I used my moisturizing body wash. I had the urge to shave downstairs but I didn’t feel like it. My back and leg/ankle were already hurting me from shaving so I knew I had to make the shower quick. I like how my face feels right now. So smooth. Tomorrow I will have stubble.

I had made a steak for lunch and for some reason, I was still hungry afterwards. It was a huge piece so I don’t know why I am still hungry. My mother made chicken cutlets and I had two sandwiches. I still want a bowl of cereal. Maybe later.

I didn’t know what kind of music I wanted to listen to so I just played all my songs and it has been awesome. It has been good listening to music I haven’t heard in a long time. I listened to the playlist while I was in the shower. Right now Mary Chapin Carpenter is playing and her song Where Time Stands Still is on point for right now.

My left leg has flared up. For the past couple of weeks my shin has been hurting really bad. I think the CRPS has spread upwards and is now in my leg. I see a new neurologist in July and I hope she can figure out why I have this pain. It is a 10 right now and I am tempted to take another breakthrough med.

It is freezing in my room. I have a sweater on and just put on my fleece blanket on my bed. I am fricken cold. The game is delayed. But they just started to play again. It is raining on and off and temps have been in the 40s. The wind is making it colder. I don’t mind my room being cold. I love snuggling under the covers. I just shut my ceiling fan off. I didn’t do a good job dusting them off. There is still dust on the blades but I got the dust bunnies off, which was the more important thing.

The muscles around my ear is flaring up again. My jaw gets affected and hurts when I open my mouth. All I can do is massage around the ear and hope it lets up. Sometimes a Zanaflex works but it makes me sleepy so I try not to take it. I will if I feel like sleeping and can actually sleep. Sox are playing now. I am tempted to listen to the game. They are leading 1-0 right now. I haven’t listened to a game in a long time. I just have been getting updates on the MLB website. I am just in so much pain I don’t know if I can pay attention to it. I just want to take a nap. But it is too late as it is close to bed time. In a couple of hours I will take my night meds and go to sleep, hopefully with another Sox win.

CRPS doesn’t care about hot temps

CRPS doesn’t care about hot temps

It has been muggy in the house the past few days as a warm front is passing through. Temps have been above 70 degrees and I have had the AC going. You would think that would be a cause of my foot being cold but I shut off the AC a few hours ago and then my foot got cold then exploded in pain. I have been miserable since. All I have had to eat today is two donuts and coffee. I don’t really feel like eating. I’ve slept most of the day. I am just so tired. I dealt with bad emotions last night. My anxiety was at its worst. Sometimes it is hard to know it is anxiety and I need an Ativan to calm down. Once the medication works, I can think clearer and not so dark sometimes.

I had therapy. I asked for an extra session as the dysphoria was really getting to me. It has gotten to the point where I don’t even want to shower because I don’t want to see myself naked. I wish there were no mirrors in the bathroom. I hate looking at myself. Sometimes I look at myself and think damn I look good and other times I hate myself so damn much I can’t stand looking at me. I have been meaning to trim my beard all week but that hasn’t happened. I just don’t have the energy for self-care. I was able to brush my teeth this morning before taking my meds. I find that if I brush after having my morning void is easier than trying to do it after I have had my coffee.

My day started late because after I took my morning meds I went back to sleep and didn’t get up till around 1300. I had coffee because it has become a routine to have coffee when I wake up. I tried to take a nap after coffee because I was feeling tired but I couldn’t sleep. I was too anxious I would sleep through my appointment.

I realized today that I had a really nuts therapist who really thought she had possession of me. In a way I am glad I am no longer in that relationship but I miss her sometimes. She provided me care when no one else did and was my biggest supporter in my efforts to be me. She went to the poster session with me at my first conference. My psych was to show up but never did. My psych is someone who I miss terribly. It is coming on two years now that she has been gone. It still hurts like the day we said goodbye. We still keep in touch and have had a few zoom calls since then. I never thought this psychiatrist would be on zoom but she did.

I have to plan my grocery delivery. I got to remove some stuff from my cart so I don’t go over my limit. I am going to the store on Monday with my cousin. I will get the stuff I am removing then. I need to have the heavy stuff delivered so it is easier to bring upstairs. The ice cream and steak I can get at the store.

waking up in the morning sucks

Waking up in the morning sucks

I woke up at 7 because I had to pee and I have been up since. I took my shot and my morning meds. I had difficulty drawing the syringe today. The plunger on the needle didn’t want to move so it was hard to draw. I hate when that happens. After taking my meds, I went downstairs to shut the fucking kettle off as my mother just let the thing whistle. I am so damn annoyed. I hate sounds and I just glared at my mother when I saw her. She had nothing to say. I got my coffee cup and made coffee. I had ordered donuts last night so I had that for breakfast. I left them in the box and they were kind of hard this morning. They were still good though.

Today I am going to try and take my recycling out of my room and put it in the bins. I also need to take my trash out. I need to shower today and I might trim my beard. Depends on my energy level. It doesn’t take too long to do but there is always a few hairs that I miss that I need to do the next day. LOL

I bought a new book called “When it is darkest” by Rory O’Connor. He is a suicide researcher that I have been following for years now. The book is about suicide and prevention. I can’t wait to start it but I already have three books that I started and none that are close to being finished. I really need to “schedule” reading time otherwise I just don’t read. I had to do this the last time I read a book and it worked out. I would make note of the time I started and read a chapter. If I finished less than an hour, I would read another chapter. I find this helps me keep track of my time and reading. I have a kindle book that I started but I don’t think I am going to finish it. There are too many words I don’t know because the book is written about the Middle East area and uses words to describe things that I just don’t understand. Thing is, I don’t know if the word is really a word or a made up one and I really don’t want to be spending time looking up words in the dictionary because it just distracts me. If a movie comes out about it, I will see the movie. The book is too hard to read.

The books I am currently reading is Dune, a baseball history book, and Sooley, John Grisham’s new book. I like the baseball history book and will read more than a chapter at a time with it. But sometimes it gets my mind going and thinking and I have to pause to reflect on it and where I want to go with it. With Dune, I am trying to remember what it is about as I have not seen it since I was a kid and kind of found it scary with the sandworms. I know Patrick Stewart played in it and I loved the movie but it has been so damn long, I forgot what it was about. I never read the book before so this should be interesting. Sooley has been interesting, like all John Grisham novels. It is about my 2nd favorite sport, basketball so I am all for it.

My allergies have been off the wall today. Started with my eyes watering like crazy. I had to use the allergy drops to calm them down. Now my nose is stuffy so I might have to take Benadryl to clear it up, which will end up putting me to sleep by the afternoon. I still need to brush my teeth. I’ll do that either before or after I shower.