Category: chronic physical pain

Appointments that didn’t happen

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Appointments that didn’t happen

My therapist agreed, reluctantly, to cancel my appointments for this week. I am glad because I don’t feel like talking this week. I see my psychiatrist tomorrow. She just emailed me to change the time. It’s later in the afternoon which means I get to sleep a little longer.

My father wasn’t feeling well so we didn’t go to his appointment. I rescheduled for next week. I went over there because he wanted me to be there. I stayed for a couple of hours and then I had to leave. I couldn’t stand the shows he was watching. I tried to get him to eat something but he said that if he did, he would vomit. I must have asked him fifty times what he wanted to eat and he said no each time.

My appetite struggles continue. I just had coffee and an Ensure. I was going to order a steak and cheese but changed my mind so I might order it for dinner. But right now, I am not hungry and the thought of food repulses me. This has to be the longest streak that my appetite has been next to nothing. Yesterday I barely had 800 calories. Today is looking to be the same unless I get the cheese steak and fries.

Physically I am exhausted. I just want to sleep. My pain levels are minimal so I haven’t been taking pain meds too often. I feel like a deadweight. Even though my mother said she wasn’t going to call me to ask what I wanted for dinner, she did anyway. She wants to make porkchops. I don’t feel like having porkchops. She got mad. Oh well.

My psychiatrist acknowledged how difficult things are for me right now. She said that it would be ok for me to go to the hospital if I needed to be there. Things is, until I get things settled with my father, I can’t really go in. If I have another suicidal episode, I will. I will have to pack a bag and that seems so daunting because I don’t know what to pack. I have just one pair of pjs that are decent. I need to get more pjs. What really keeps me from going in is the mountain of pills I will have to take because they don’t have the dose of many of my meds. For example, last time I was there, I had to take 4 pills of Lisinopril because they didn’t have the 40 mg tabs. I hated taking my meds every night because of this. It was worst than what I take at home.

sleeplessness, suicide, and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

I took my night meds because I was feeling sleepy. Then I experienced some side effects. I think it was most likely withdrawal as I haven’t taken a pain med since last night. So I took one pill and now I am awake. I am listening to music and it’s keeping me awake. I know I should shut it off and try and get some sleep but I am not tired anymore. I hate when I wake up. It’s after midnight.

I started writing a blog/essay about my experience with dealing with the suicidality of the night before. I got to less than 200 words and gave up. I should have hand wrote it. Now the thoughts have escaped me. I hate when that happens. I really wanted to include it in my book.

The American Association of Suicidology will be having their annual conference in a couple days time. People are already meeting up and the conference doesn’t officially start until Thursday. I just care about what Jobes says. I hope he doesn’t have a pre conference workshop. I won’t be by my laptop Wednesday because I have an appointment with my psych. I also emailed her about my “episode”.

What strikes me about this episode is that there was no trigger other than intense psychache. My heart was being torn apart in a million pieces and I just wanted to die. I had the means to die. I just had to act but I didn’t. No one would know why I attempted to kill myself. I am not so sure either. I know I didn’t want to die in my room, not where someone close to me would find me. I never would be trusted again with my pills. And I am 40 years old to be treated like a child would be such an insult.

I honestly don’t know what would happen if I attempted and didn’t succeed in my house. That is something that I really don’t want to find out. I didn’t do anything to harm myself last night, as intense as the feelings were. And it seemed like they only lasted about ten minutes before they dissipated as fast as they appeared. I held out, again. My only question is, what about next time? Will I be so lucky, if that is the word to use?

In twelve hours I will find out if my therapist will honor my cancellation of our appointment. There has been no indication from her whether she will call me or not. So I am left wondering. I gave her plenty of time to cancel, more than 24 hours. But I don’t know if the blog that I sent her will void the cancellation. She will do that sometimes. I guess that is part of the reason why I can’t sleep. I am too worried about the what ifs. If she doesn’t call, I can leave my house earlier and get my Starbucks. I can also get my letter from my new PCP for my loan documentation that I need.

I continued the rant on Twitter about how the NP dismissed my depression as “stress”. I have never felt so offended before in my life. Stress is not something that causes depression or make you lose weight, your appetite, lose sleep, and feel worthless. I had all the physical symptoms of depression and she dismissed them. I can’t trust her anymore, not with my depression anyways. I have to keep the elephant in the room quiet now. I miss my old PCP. He understood. He was one of a kind. And the institution where he worked lost a great physician.

exhaustion, food, and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I think the exhaustion has finally left. I slept after I wrote my blog. I did have my black bean burger on sourdough bread. I wasn’t impressed with the bread. It didn’t have a sour taste to it which was I was looking for. It actually didn’t taste like anything so it was disappointing. I barely finished the burger and it has been the only thing I ate besides the donuts I had earlier. My mother baked some cookies and I had two of them. Usually I gobble them up. My mother makes good chocolate chip cookies. She also made some apple turnovers but I will have them tomorrow. I hope she makes the pudding pie that I like. I usually have that for breakfast. All it is is chocolate pudding in a pie dish topped with cool whip. It’s divine!

I totally forgot tomorrow was Easter when I set up Comcast to come to my father’s place tomorrow afternoon. I hope they come before 1300. I think My sister will be picking him up then and he will be disappointed if they don’t show up to fix his TV. I have no idea when dinner is. No one told me. All I know is that we are having ham.

I think I am starting to feel better now that I had some decent sleep. I still feel sleepy and will be going to bed shortly. I hope I sleep through the night. I will read Dostoevsky if I wake up in the middle of the night. He always makes me sleepy.

Sox lost big time today. Their hurlers weren’t good, so I heard anyway. Then I heard a rumor that my favorite catcher might get traded for a shitty player that I absolutely hate. He was a stinking Yankee player, which is part of the reason I dislike him. I will be absolutely crushed if they trade of this young catcher.

I wish I got a haircut today. I woke up and had bedhead. It’s been months since I had my hair this long to have a bedhead. But it’s been two months since my last hair cut. I try to get it cut every month but last month I was short on funds. I am going to try and get one Monday.

My friend that was waiting for a bed finally got one. I am happy that she is no longer waiting in the ER. I can’t imagine waiting in the ER for almost three days for a bed. It’s just ridiculous to me but I know it happens. I had a friend’s daughter that waited almost a week to get into a good hospital in Tennessee. It’s just sad that there are many sick mental ill people and not enough beds to suit their needs or they get cut due to budget cuts.

It’s nearly 2300. I feel like having a tuna sandwich. I should eat because I am hungry and it’s not often these days that I am hungry. But the depression side of me is telling me it will be too much of an effort and I will be exhausted. I got to go downstairs and check on my mother. She hasn’t come to bed and I am a little worried as she usually is in bed by this time.

walking in mud continues

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Walking in Mud Continues

My father’s prescription was ready so I had to go to his house to settle his meds for the week. I took the bus there and then had to walk from the pharmacy to his house. I took me more than a half hour to walk because my feet felt like lead. I couldn’t walk fast to save my life. It was horrible. I was so exhausted by the time I got to his place. I hadn’t had anything to eat before I went to his apartment. After I missed the bus, I decided to go to dunkin and get a coffee and some donuts. I must have spilled more coffee on me than I actually drank. The lid wasn’t too secure. I now smell like French vanilla. I was going to make coffee at home but I was too sleepy to get out of bed early enough to make it.

My ankle is hurting from the walk. I got it propped up on my bed to try and relieve some of the swelling. I also have taken some pain meds to help deal with the stupid pain. Soon as it calms down some I plan on making something to eat. I think a black bean burger on sourdough bread is on the menu.

I am exhausted and need sleep. Think I will nap and then make the burger. This depression is so hard. I can’t write even 500 word blogs anymore. I am sorry for my new readers. I am not normally like this. I hope it passes quickly because I am not sure how much more I can take. I hate when my writing is affected. It’s my sole means of expressing myself when I am down, other than listening to music or watching a baseball game. But even baseball, my favorite sport of all time, I have no interest in. I try to keep up with the scores and stuff but I just can’t. It’s too much for me right now.

I feel like I am drowning and no one is seeing me. My family hasn’t made any comments about my weight so I doubt they have noticed. But then, they have been preoccupied with Easter and my father all week.

A friend that I met at my last hospitalization is in the ER right now waiting for a bed. Pisses me off that there are no mental health beds available like there are medical beds. She has been in the ER since Thursday. That is just wrong.