Category: chronic physical pain

A Cramping Way to Start the Day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

A cramping way to start the day

It’s 0400 and I just started the day with cramps in my calf and ankle. Lovely. I am still pissed off, but mostly because I am in pain. My left knee started hurting me while I in the MRI tube and now it’s hurting again. WTF. I didn’t do anything to it, no twisting or falling of the sorts. I think it’s just maybe a little hyperextended and that is why it is hurting. I wish I could undo it but I don’t know how. I will have to see a doc if this continues but I know they will just tell me to lose weight because that is the cure all for everything. I wish I could lose weight and I might. Last night while having my dinner/lunch I burned the roof of my mouth. It is very sore and I can feel a blister forming. I think I will just have soft foods today. I haven’t had a hard boiled egg in a while. Unfortunately, they don’t tend to fill me up too good unless I have it with toast.

I thought I would wake up in a better mood but my mood still sucks. I am just so angry and I don’t know why. I pity the person that pisses me off slightly. I still need to make that phone call about my account being blocked. I really hope I can get the paperwork I need without going to the office. I also need to call Humana to get un-enrolled in their plan because fucking Medicare couldn’t do it. UGH. I hate calling people because I fucking hate being on hold.

My eyes have been squirrely the past few days so I am now wearing my multifocal glasses. It’s helping. I really don’t want to go back to the eye doctor. I know he will say that I need new glasses. I do every year because my vision changes. Right now I can’t afford glasses so it will have to wait. I need to figure out some things before I can budget glasses. Once I do that then I will see my eye doc. I have been seeing him for more than 20 years. He is a good doc.

I’m debating texting my therapist that I am up and in a bad mood so don’t piss me off today. It’s kind of funny that in all the time that we have been talking on the phone, I haven’t hung up on her intentionally in more than five years now. I say that is impressive because she used to talk and talk and then I wouldn’t get a word in edge wise so it would piss me off. Or what she was saying would piss me off so I would hang up on her. She would always call back, sometimes madder than a hen. It was funny to me.

I need to get a haircut this month. I can’t afford one right now because my meds are fucking screwy. I need to tell my doc that she need to give me a 90 day supply of my meds because it is cheaper than a 30 day supply. It’s only for a few months anyways until whatever kicks in and then my meds are free, usually in June. I don’t know if she will trust me with a 90-day supply of meds. I don’t know if I can trust myself with a 90-day supply, especially with the voices running rampant. In the end it will be better for her because then she doesn’t have to give me refills so much with the new system. I fear that she is going to be mad at me but we will see. I was expecting the meds to be $10 not $20 when the new year started. This is for generics, too. I have been trying to get a 90-supply for my blood pressure medication for months but the idiots keep sending it off to the mail order place for a 30-day supply. So annoying. I see my NP next week so I will ask then for a 90-day supply.

My back and thigh are hurting me. I didn’t want to take pain pills this early but then I really don’t want to be up this early. I might do some writing. I just bought a 5 in 1 pen. It has blue, red, green, black, and a pencil. The only thing I don’t like about it is that the pens are fine point. I like a medium point. I wonder if I can change it out. Some times I like writing with a fine point but not all the time. I feel that if I put too much pressure on the pen, it will break. The pen makes me happy because now I don’t have to carry around three different pens. It will definitely come in handy when I start editing my book. I seriously need to start a story about the owls or maybe add the owls to my story but owls are really mean. Vultures are mean and destroy things. Maybe I can write about that. I don’t know. I am stuck where I am at and I want to get the words up to at least 2000. I am close at 1500.

Well, I am glad that I am awake. My bowels just exploded just as I got to the toilet. I couldn’t hold it in any longer. If I had been sleeping, I would have crapped myself. I can’t trust loose stool. Now I got to be careful when I fart or I might crap myself. Now I know I will be up a while longer, least until the pain meds kick in. I am hungry but I don’t want to be making anything. I just want to stay in my warm bed until the meds kick in. Maybe I will read Dostoevsky. I started “Brothers Karamazov” the other day. He writes his usual way. Long paragraphs and usually a ramble. I guess that is why this book is so long.

Everything is Pissing Me Off

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Everything is pissing me off

I have been on a tight cooker all day with the MRI. And now the pressure has finally been ticked off. I didn’t have contrast like I was supposed to. I don’t know why this is. I will find out Friday when I get the report. I will call the doc’s office tomorrow to get results, if they have them, but I want the report in my hand and to see the films with my own eyes.

I get another thing from Medicare enrolling me in a prescription drug plan. I don’t need one as I already have one through my disability from work. Why should I pay more for it? I got annoyed because I was on the phone for at least fifteen minutes for them to tell me again and again that I was disenrolled. It was like a damn recording but with a live person. ARGH!! Just do what you have to do and be done with it, dammit! Now I have to call the company they enrolled me in to unenroll in the plan. I am pissed. It didn’t say this on the paperwork, otherwise I would have called them in the first fucking place.

I am back to listening to Eric Church. I need some music that will calm me down. I took 900 mg of Neurontin. I really wanted to take that much in Ativan but I think that amount would be a) dangerous and b) I don’t think I have that much. Voices are winning tonight. Or maybe it’s just my impulsiveness and my aggravation to do something because I want to yell at someone right now and I don’t know who to yell at.

The MRI was weird. I have never, in 15 years, got wicked hot while the machine was running. I literally thought I was going to catch fire or something. And then when the tech said I didn’t need contrast, I knew something was up. Either the doc’s orders got messed up or my back is so messed up that they can see the damage without the contrast. I am more of a nervous wreck now than I was before. I swear if I wasn’t seeing/talking with my therapist tomorrow, I would seriously take the bottle of Neurontin. I have to see my father tomorrow so that is kind of stopping me too. I really don’t want to see him because I am afraid he didn’t take his pills like he was supposed to. And that is my fault because I didn’t explain it clearly. I just assumed he would have a clue but you know what happens when you assume. I can kick myself for this. I’m also pissed because I filled his pills on Tuesday instead of Thursday. I will have to fill his new pill thing because I am not changing my routine for him. No fucking way. Tuesdays and Wednesdays are days when I go to Starbucks for my time. I am not going to change that for this arrogant bastard that doesn’t fucking give a damn except for himself.

I made a phone call today to find out why I couldn’t have access to my account online and found out I was blocked. Now I have to go to the office with my ID to clear it up. Fuck. The office is a pain in the ass to get to. I will have to take the Zipcar one day, if I can’t get the paperwork I need over the phone tomorrow by calling the office directly. I hope it works or I am fucking screwed.

To top my day off, I got a call from a scam artist saying that I have to call this 866 number or I will be taken to court and a lawsuit will be filed against me. They didn’t tell me what company they were calling from, who the people were that I was supposed to call. For all I know this company is Aruba and they just want to siphon money from my cellphone account. I looked up the number and it’s from some place in Texas. So let them take me to court. I am tired of playing games. I haven’t received anything in the mail in months saying that I need to call someone ASAP to avoid a court date and my address hasn’t changed in more than 10 years so fuck you and your 48 hours.

When I came home from the hospital, I was pretty dizzy. I guess the pain meds and an empty stomach will do that. Plus I was sweating like a pig. It was freezing out but I was just so damn hot. I had to change my T-shirt because it was soaked with sweat. Now I am in my room, all changed and I am freezing. Go figure that one out. I want pizza. I think I will get some tomorrow.

The Loss of a Legend

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

The Loss of a Legend

I was first introduced to David Bowie when I was a young kiddo. I think it was the movie Labyrinth. He scared me in this movie so I never much cared for the guy. It wasn’t until I was older and heard his music did I really start to like him. Even now I can’t get the song “dancing with myself” out of my head. It is one of my favorites of his. I am saddened by his loss. I plan on getting the Labyrinth to watch as an adult so I am not so scared. I am not one for scary movies and I know this movie is not scary but sometimes things leave an impression on you.

I have my MRI today. I am really nervous and still trying to keep hydrated so I hope they can find a suitable vein for the contrast dye. They need this to distinguish between old and new injury as I had surgery on my back. My pain has been off and on so I am hoping that it’s not something serious. I had a few days of no pain and I was thankful for it, even though my ankle was a bitch. I have to have some kind of pain every day. It’s just the way it is these days.

I am listening to Adele. I don’t know why. Her latest CD is nothing to write home about. There are a few songs I like but don’t ask me to tell you the names. I really just know it by the beats. I feel like I am betraying Eric Church by listening to something else. I might go back to his music sometime today. I plan on leaving my house around 1515 to catch the bus to the Square. I will have something to eat and then leave to go to the hospital to have the MRI. It’s really cold today as the windchill is bringing the temp down by at least 10 degrees. The house is cold and I have had to put socks on my feet to keep them warm. They were starting to feel frostbitten. Stupid nerve damage. Soon as my feet get a chill, they become really cold and fast.

I really want to talk to my therapist today but I don’t think I will be able to. I have been texting her but that isn’t the same thing. She doesn’t know about the voices telling me to do things. I have kept that from her because she always gets nervous when I become psychotic. I think the anxiety about me being psychotic is worse than when I am suicidal. I was having a conversation with the voices last night. It wasn’t bad but they were annoyed so I was annoyed. I wasn’t giving in to their demands so it frustrated them. I am surprised that I am handling this so well and that I am not really freaked out. These voices aren’t my regular voices. I haven’t taken anything extra to deal with them. I probably should but I know they will go away once I have the MRI and I know the outcome of it. My stress level is dependent on the voices. Some people have anxiety, I hear voices. They keep wanting me to take more drugs than I should be taking. So I just haven’t been taking anything because I don’t know if I can trust my impulses. If I plan on taking one pill, they want me to take three. It’s the nature of the beast. Least they aren’t telling me to take a bottle of pills anymore. I was a afraid to take anything for fear of emptying the bottle in my stomach. I think that is why I didn’t fill my pill box for that week. I was too afraid to take any pills.

Despite having coffee and a light breakfast, I am wicked tired. I wish I could take a nap but I know if I do, I will feel like shit later in the day. I would read something but I am afraid that it will make me even more drowsy. I have nothing to do until 1500. I tried writing in my journal but there is only so much to write when you feel sleepy and want to crawl back under the covers.

Anniversaries of sorts

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I have been up early and just took a shower after debating it all morning. I feel fresh and clean. I also don’t feel like a scrub. I have been going to the bathroom all morning so I needed to shower to feel like a human again. I don’t know why I went so much. I haven’t had any stimulants like coffee to make me go. I hope I don’t go anymore. The pain is unreal.

I’m listening to Linkin Park. I love their music. It really helps when I am in a sucky mood. I emailed my psychiatrist late last night to tell her how I am doing. I told her about the voices telling me to do stuff. I was expecting a response but haven’t gotten one yet. I know it’s the stress of the MRI that is making the voices act up. Once I pass this stress and find out that I am okay or not, the voices should simmer down. Least I hope they will.

I have a party to go to at 1400. I really just want to go back to sleep. I am not up to seeing family members and socializing. I don’t really have to get dressed as I just have to go to my sister’s apartment on the first floor. Maybe I will empty my recycle bin and make an appearance and then leave. I am glad my father is not going to be there. One less stress to deal with. I came from my sister’s, who asked me to throw something in the recycle bin. I just had my slippers on and it was very wet on the porch as it’s a stormy, rainy day. I guess I will wait to empty my bin for another day. My slippers were almost soaked and are now drying on a radiator.

Today is my therapist and I’s anniversary. We have been together 15 years. I will definitely bring it up when we have our session Tuesday. I can’t believe that we have been together so long. We have been through some very difficult times, numerous suicidal episodes, and a few joyous moments. She always believed in me when I didn’t believe in myself. She still does. I trust her more than anyone in the world, aside from my psychiatrist.

Course, with this anniversary means that next month will mark the 15th anniversary of me getting CES for the first time. I hope I don’t have it for the third time in my life. I really won’t be able to deal with it. It’s just traumatizing to go through the surgery, stay in the hospital, and then go through rehab. I just won’t be able to take it another time. The 2nd time I got it, I was numb to it. I was so distanced from it that I had a delusional/dissociative episode while in the hospital. I wasn’t emptying my bladder so while they were catheterizing me, I was completely out of it before passing out. I really don’t want to go through this a third time, especially if this means a fusion. I will be cooped up in the house if we get bad snow storms. That will just hinder my progress.

I am so scared of the results of my MRI that I will be having tomorrow. I have been drinking a lot of fluid today and will continue to drink until I have my scan. I think the drinking has helped my cold as I don’t feel as congested.

My thigh is hurting me. I really don’t want to do anything today. I am glad I don’t have to go out as it’s just gross out. But I rather have rain than snow any day.