Category: chronic physical pain

A Long Day of Waiting

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Long Day of Waiting

I woke up after 0700, which was good. By 0800, I was getting really hungry as I had not eaten anything in more than 16 hours. I was tempted to make pancakes, but that would mean talking with my mother and I wasn’t in the mood for talking. So I got dressed and went to Starbucks for breakfast. It was way early to start my day but I figured after I ate, I could maybe write something. So much for being hopeful. Despite carrying around my notepad that has the new story in it, I haven’t touched it once since putting it in my bag. I don’t know what the mental block is to even looking at the story and possibly adding to it. I think I need a print out of it to work on it. Going through sheets of yellow paper might not be helpful to me. I did write a lot in my journal as I was passing time. By 1000, I wanted to go home and sleep, but I had my appointment to go to and needed to leave Starbucks at noon. If I went home, I would only be home for a short time before having to turn back.

I went to my appointment, which was a waste of fucking time. I waited a half hour to be seen and she saw me for about 5 minutes, handed my script to me, and said see ya later. I was so annoyed. I think when my PCP tells me to have the call in for the script option, I am going to take it rather than waste my time with the nurse practitioner. I could be doing other things than wasting my time for this idiot. My ankle is killing me and I didn’t even do that much today. I didn’t stand too long or walk too far. Oi it drives me nuts. I hate being in pain during the day because it just sucks, especially when I have to go out. I had a hard time walking home because it was being a jerk.

I called Dell and gave them the information they needed to repair my laptop. They will be sending me the box in a few days time and then I ship it back to them. Of course, while I was making the phone call, I had two missed calls. Why must everyone decide to call me when I am using the phone?? One of the calls was my mother, the other unknown. I just don’t get it. My sister is home this week so I hope she can give me a ride to the FedEx stop where I need to bring it. I would take her truck but I can’t drive it because it is too big. Even my brother in law has trouble driving it. What made her get such a huge fucking vehicle, I will never know.

As the laptop is my priority in terms of where my money goes this month, I have to put off the application to Zipcar for another month. This sucks because I wanted to start it this month as it takes a few weeks to process. If I am approved, it won’t be until mid-December. I might have wheels for my birthday to see my therapist, if we are still seeing each other then. I am really nervous about our appointment tomorrow. She hasn’t answered my text if her phone is fine and she hasn’t read my blog, yet. It could be that she is busy and hasn’t had a chance to respond. Mondays I know are hectic. I am hoping that the appointment goes well and things are back to our normal.

I got the songs I was missing from Blake Shelton’s #1 hits collection. They are not my favorite songs, so far, but at least the collection is complete. And it cost me only $3 compared to paying $12 for the entire album. I am happy about this. I don’t know why. I was listening to the playlist I made until I had to listen to some Pearl Jam. I was getting annoyed waiting around, and when I get annoyed, it’s good to listen to Pearl Jam. I listened to almost 6 hours of music on my Bluetooth headset. I was really afraid it was going to lose battery before I got home. I hate being on the bus and not listening to music. I had a spare set of headphones in my backpack, just in case, but I really like the wireless set.

I hope that I sleep well again tonight and don’t wake up before 0600. I really don’t need a long day. I hate waking up so early. I usually am able to grab a nap but I have therapy tomorrow and usually the nap makes me groggy and more tired. I am not sure if I will be going out tomorrow. I might stay in. Depends on how my night goes. I do need to get half and half as I am running low. I should have enough for groceries this month. I need to wait till Wed though. I hate waiting.

Random 934

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Yesterday afternoon, I took a heavy dose of gabapentin. I wanted to sleep so that I didn’t feel anything. Only thing is, it backfired. I woke up around 0200 and then around 0630. Usually, I am able to sleep all night but some reason, I had these sleeping stints. It was very disappointing and now I have a hang over that is not very nice. I need coffee badly. I will make some soon, probably after this blog.

I still feel shitty. I still want to die. I’d welcome a bus hitting me right now and killing me. Or a Mack truck. I just feel so empty and alone. Even though I live with my family members, I still feel like I am an outsider. I don’t really feel close to them. Sometimes I do, but for the most part, I don’t. I awoke again with ankle pain. I guess it is physical because the gaba would have taken care of the nerve pain. I fucking hate being in pain every single fucking day. I can’t get relief. And add in the heartache of depression, you got some serious pain going on.

While I was on Twitter, they have told me that the drug Ketamine can help with suicidal thoughts but it is short acting. They also say that it helps with depression. I don’t know if it has been approved but if it is, I am going to ask my pdoc about it when I see her next. I can’t go on like this. The psychache is too profound. I know part of it has to do with my therapist situation. Hopefully that will get cleared up when I talk with her next, provided her damn phone works. I know it is frustrating for her, but it’s also frustrating for me because I don’t get to talk to her. Lately we just have been texting each other. We are adults, not kids. Soon as I find out how much my laptop is going to be fixed, I am going to apply for Zipcar. I hope that after three years of not really driving puts my record in good shape. I was denied before because I got a speeding ticket and was in an accident (not my fault) with my car. It was two separate occasions and months apart. The speeding ticket was my fault because I was in the state police area and knew they watched the speed limits. I was dumb and should have slowed down. I still kick myself for getting the ticket.

If I get the Zipcar, I will be able to drive more frequently, as long as I have money in my account. Then I will be able to see my therapist in person so I can smack her silly with pillows. Monday can’t come soon enough. I really want to get my laptop fixed. That is the priority right now more than the Zipcar. I just hope it doesn’t cost me more than what they posted. It will kill me if my entire check is used to fix my laptop.

Today the OSU game is on ABC so I will be able to watch it if I am out of this hangover. Probably going to need more than one cup of coffee today.

Books and writing

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Books and writing

I had to drop some stuff off at my aunt’s as my mother was there and it was stuff that she needed. My aunt knows that I wrote a book last year. I doubt she has bought it or read it. It sold about 100 copies, which was my goal. Course her family thought that I should be a millionaire because I have a book sold. Things don’t work that way, sad to say.

As I was getting to leave, she stopped me to talk about the book she wants to write. I did all I could not to laugh and not roll my eyes. We have had this conversation before. She thinks her family is so great and it will make millions. I told her to get a publisher and an agent and go from there. She then asked if that were free. I laughed and said no. It’s minimum $600. But you also need the book, too. It’s been a year and not one page has been written. I don’t think this book is going to happen. Then she said that I would write it. HELL TO THE NO. I hate my aunt more than anyone in the world. She is nothing but a scumbag. I won’t have anything to do with the book or her family as long as I live. I have my reasons that I am not going to disclose.

I really wanted to die today, and it would have been the right day to do it. No one is home and won’t be until later this evening. I should have taken advantage of it earlier today but I didn’t. I got a text from my therapist yesterday saying that “ I matter”. To who? Lately that has been her response to everything every time I am suicidal. Like that is supposed to ease the ache. It doesn’t. Just pisses me off.

My sister called me and told me all that was wrong with my mother. Nice, like I didn’t know. If she won’t be her own advocate, she isn’t going to get better. She doesn’t do what the doctors have been telling her to, so sorry if I don’t feel bad for her. She certainly doesn’t feel bad for me. My mother told me she isn’t going to be home tonight. I am so glad I got the house to myself. I was hoping my LTD money would come today but nope, won’t be in till Monday. Fuckers. I can at least start the process of getting to know what is wrong with my screen and send it out next week. But I don’t know if they need the money up front or not so I haven’t made the call.

Today has been raw and cold. I haven’t been outside, only to go down to my aunt’s. I wish I could tell her what I really think of her. I really do. But out of respect for my mother, I just keep it to myself.

I didn’t write today, not that that was the plan or anything. I didn’t even shower or get dressed. I just stayed in my pjs. I did make myself pancakes for breakfast. That is all that I have done today. I am still full that I don’t want to make anything else. I got to find out when the next Jays game is. I got to know who will be playing the Mets in the World Series.

hurting big time today

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Hurting big time today

I went to my father’s like I do every week. This week was different as he wanted me to go to the card store to get some cards as next month is birthday month. There are several birthdays between my sister, my aunt, cousins, and friends. I am going to be broke. I should have bought some cards myself but of course, didn’t think about that till now. I will have to find my way the next time I go to Walgreens. On my way to the card store, I tripped over the stupid sidewalk. The city my father lives is not known for level sidewalks and I kept on trying to look out for this stupid store that had cards for 99 cents. Fucking A. My ankle is really hurting me now and I am not happy about it. Mostly because my father didn’t even thank me for going for him. He is such a bastard.

I was hoping to wake up early so I could make pancakes but that didn’t happen. I really just wanted to stay in bed and screw my father but he would have been really pissed off. One of his meds I have to fill probably Monday so he doesn’t run out. I am so tired of going over there. Least I don’t have any where to go to tomorrow. I can rest my hurt ankle that I really hurt. Least I didn’t fall. That would have been worse.

I still didn’t get this check I am supposed to have. I probably won’t get it until next month. I really want to get my sister’s something for their birthdays but I don’t have any extra cash. This check would be awesome because I could take them out for dinner or something. I don’t know. Just throwing ideas out there. They always give me a lot of presents for my birthday and Christmas and I never seem to be able to give them anything. It hurts me. It just reminds me how fucking broke I really am. You would think after three years I would be used to it. I am used to it till birthdays come flying around. It sucks.

I got no appetite again today. All I had for breakfast was a yogurt and for lunch a granola bar with some vitamin water. I would really have loved pancakes but maybe I can make them tomorrow. Last night I promised myself I would read Harry Potter. Another promise broken. I fell asleep and that was it. I am never going to finish this book. I am having a hard time reading it and I don’t know why this book is different than the other Harry Potter books, except I despise Umbridge. It’s not one of my favorite books I guess.

I am in the type of depression where I just want to take my pain meds or some other med that causes drowsiness and just sleep. I just don’t care. I don’t mean to take the meds more than what I take, but just enough to get me to sleep. And waking up now between 3 and 4 in the morning is really pissing me off. I go back to sleep and I don’t want to do anything the rest of the day. Today was the biggest struggle. I just really didn’t plan on going to the fucking card store for my father. Extra spoons wasted. What am I talking about??!! I got no spoons!! I really just want to be fucking dead. And I am trying hard not to come up with a reason why I shouldn’t go ahead and kill myself. Yesterday, there was a jumper on the train tracks. People kill themselves every day. Why can’t I be one of them??