Category: chronic physical pain

Pain Rant 2

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression

Pain Rant 2

Last night around this time, I got a searing pain in my ankle. Tonight I am having the same pain. Yesterday I didn’t do anything. I didn’t leave the house or go up and down the stairs a million times. Nada. So this pain is weird. I don’t know if it is nerve pain or not. It’s so hard to tell because I am in pain all the time and this is the second night feeling the same pain at around the same time. I can’t stand when pain occurs, without warning. But today I walked a bit so I am expecting pain but not like this. It feels like I have been standing on my ankle too long.

The pain is sharp, like that of a knife cutting into me. It is most unsettling. I can’t move my ankle without severe pain and I already took my pain meds a couple of hours ago. I should not be having any pain at all, which is why I am thinking this is nerve pain. I suppose I should probably take my nerve pain meds to see if that calms this down. I hate taking them because I get the hungry horrors afterwards.

I also have been a bawling mess since I heard about the Sox manager having lymphoma and will not be managing the team for the rest of the year. It broke my heart to hear this news. I feel bad for him but I know he is in good hands. It was fortunate that his hernia surgery happened when it did because they discovered the mass during it. If he didn’t have the surgery, his chances for surviving would not be so great as it would still be undetected.

Sure the Sox have sucked all season and have been plagued with injuries and so forth but hearing this news just made me sadder than anything. And now I got to deal with this pain in my ankle and I don’t know what it is from. It’s swollen, but that is always the case. It’s in the same spot as it was last night and the same intensity of pain. I just want to cut off my ankle or just make some cuts into the ankle to relieve the pressure or at least give it a reason to fucking hurt. But I am too scared of causing more damage. I am afraid that if I do cut deep enough, I might nick a tendon and that would not be good. I hate being in so much pain. This pain is different than the pain I normally deal with. And it’s not like I can consult a doctor right now to deal with the pain. It’s way after business hours. I doubt they would be able to help me anyways other than saying to go to the ER or something. I doubt the pain will last that long. It’s already starting to fade, just as it did last night. I hate it when pain comes in spurts like this. It’s like when I get zaps on my feet, there’s nothing I can do but wait it out. Now my foot is starting to throb just like last night. I fucking hate this shit. I am so tired of being in pain every night. And now I got this new pain to deal with? Why the hell am I living? I was supposed to kill myself a month ago. I never got the chance because my fricken therapist and psychiatrist didn’t want me to go through with it. Fuckers. I really dislike them right now. I am glad my therapist is on vacation so I don’t have to deal with her. But I see my shrink on Monday. I don’t know why I bother seeing her. Meds aren’t helping my mood that much anymore. Sure, it is keeping the mood swings in check but that is all its doing. I wish the meds would help this pain that I am in. But the pain doesn’t last long and just causes bad throbbing in my foot when it leaves. How do you explain that to a doctor? Sometimes I think I am losing it, like it’s all in my head or something. Seriously question my sanity because the pain is so painful that it takes my breath away for fifteen minutes and then it dissipates and I am just left with throbbing. What the hell. I can’t deal with pain like this. I can take another pain pill in about an hour from now. What am I going to do until then? I am can’t stand the throbbing/vibrating that my foot is doing right now. I wish ibuprofen could help me. I would be taking handfuls of the stuff. But it doesn’t do shit.

The thing that is aggravating the most is that I haven’t moved in the last two hours. I have been in my bed, reading Harry Potter when the pain started. I could see if I was doing something like standing or walking or going down stairs, but I wasn’t. I was an inactive peapod. And all I did was flex my ankle and BOOM, pain! I fucking hate this shit. It’s a good thing I don’t know how to use a chainsaw or other power tools. My ankle would be seriously in trouble of being amputated.

I’m going to take some Ativan and hope that brings me some sleep without the bad dreams I had last night.

writing and cooking

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide, writing

I didn’t have a good sleep. I kept on having bad dreams and waking up every couple of hours. I woke up feeling hungover from lack of sleep. I needed coffee so I set out to Starbucks soon as I got up as the bus would be coming soon. I had my Carmel Macchiato with four shots. I didn’t drink it all because the espresso settled and it was really bitter. I drank as much as I could while working on the nomenclature paper. I think I have bit off more than I can chew with this one. It is hard to describe the terms without actually quoting from the paper I am getting it from so I had to quote a lot. I tried to use my language as much as possible but the terms were difficult to describe as they were so outlandish. I have four pages to type up. I just hope I can read my handwriting or it’s going to be difficult.

I sent my therapist the rant I made about this part 2 paper. I think she read it because it has a couple of hits on my blog today. I might include some of that rant into this paper because it might stress the aggravation of dealing with terms that are useless. I kind of feel bad that for about ten years, these authors have been mulling around these terms and their concluding terms just didn’t hold water to a lit candle. The terms were so confusing, it really is no surprise they didn’t take hold. All in an effort to “simplify” things.

I got a thing for my former work place about my pension. I don’t know what it means. It was just another policy revision update thingy they send every year. I threw it in the recycle bin. I am keeping the pension as “cash” so that the stock market doesn’t lose my savings. I worked hard for this pension, fourteen years of labor went into it and I will be damned to lose it because of a bad investment on the part of people I don’t know. If I had the money, I would buy stocks in Starbucks and a couple of pharmaceutical companies. Then I would just put the money in a CD or something and call it a day. But I am on disability and don’t think I can do these things. I would love to roll it over to my personal IRA account but I don’t know how to do that. So I am just letting the money accrue interest where it is sitting.

After I finished writing this terminology paper, I decided to leave Starbucks. I just missed the bus so decided to walk down the street to catch the one going away from the Square. I thought I could handle it as I was feeling okay but halfway down, my calves started to flare up and so did my ankle. There was a bench that was about 500 feet from me so I walked slowly towards it and then sat down for a few minutes to walk another 300 feet to the bus stop. I am hurting big time now. I am glad I am not going anywhere tomorrow. I am going to need a day of rest. I think part of the reason I got so tired was because I didn’t eat anything. I had a cheese Danish while I was at Starbucks but I didn’t have breakfast or lunch. I just wasn’t hungry. It’s almost 1600 and I still am not feeling really hungry. I plan on making a grilled cheese sandwich for dinner. I have been craving one for the past few days but haven’t made it. I want my mother to make it because I usually end up burning it. I suck at cooking things that have no specific directions. If it has a recipe, I am usually good with it. I used to make a good chicken dish that was from Campbells. All you needed was the stuff that came in the box, fresh chicken breast and boom, you had dinner in a half hour. I used to make it for my coworkers as my mother didn’t like it and it was way too much for one person. Those were the days when I had time to cook and could do so without pain. Now I am lucky to take a 10 minute shower or make scrambled eggs when I want. I don’t wash the dishes, only because my mother has her own ritual as to how they are to be done and put in the dishwasher. I have my way, she has hers. I will only wash my pans and dishes if she isn’t around.

Another Ramble about Meds

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Another Ramble about meds

I just emailed my doctor’s office. I didn’t call them idiots. I checked the email that was sent to me and I didn’t put a mistake. The mistake (sending it off for mail order) is all on my doctor’s head. He should have read to see where it was going and he didn’t. Now I am out of my blood pressure meds, well one of them anyways. I think I will be able to survive the next few days without one of them. I have a BP monitor that I just bought to keep track of my heart rate when I have panic attacks due to pain. So far, it has worked well and my BP has been in the normal range. I hope it stays like that.

I went on a chat tonight that sort of has me triggered but not really. It was about sex abuse and mostly about how family denies it. DING DING DING. That would be my family, except for my father. He doesn’t know or my cousin would not be living today. The chat brought back memories of what happened. I won’t go into more detail than that. I really should be sleeping right now because my niece is sick and I need to babysit tomorrow morning, early. It’s going to be a long fucking day.

Sox lost because the bullpen can’t hold on to a fucking lead to save their lives. It was terrible. I couldn’t bare to watch after the top of the 10th when the Sox failed to do anything. I knew they were going to lose. They hardly win in extra inning games. But then, they are more on a losing streak than a win streak any day of the week. This is why I still have my bottle of Patron. For every win, I have a shot, which hasn’t been many since I came up with this idea. The sox have more losses than wins, like almost 20. I think the record is 50-69, or something like that. It’s sad.

I have a thermal sock on my bad foot because it was ice cold. It’s getting warmer but I might keep it on because it’s cozy. But it hurts really bad. I haven’t taken my pain meds yet because I feel nauseous. I don’t think having cereal with expired milk was a good idea. I was hungry, like I usually am at night. For some reason, I keep burping up the coffee I drank hours ago. Not helping the nausea.

In addition to the Sox losing tonight, I am also pissed that the article I was reading for my language of suicide paper was a part 2er, meaning it was shit that I read and what I am looking for is in the Part 2 paper. I am so fucking mad. I spent the last two days working and thinking about how I am going to review this article and it was for nothing. I still might include it as background information before getting to the real terminology. I feel like a fool for reading it. And it was a long article too, like 14 pages, not including the references. The second article is just as long. I hope it is worth my effort and someone finds this paper useful. Otherwise, I am just wasting my damn time.

Because I will be babysitting, I got to find a place to have therapy for 50 minutes. I am thinking about my sister’s bedroom where there is AC. Tomorrow is supposed to be muggy so the house is going to be warm. I will melt if I am not near an AC.

Ramblings 81

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I am writing a little earlier than I did yesterday because I decided not to go out to the Square to have coffee. I made it at home again. I did go out to Walgreens to pick up my prescription, the right one this time. Though I am shocked that the pharmacists didn’t say anything to me about taking two NSAIDs. Very strange. Maybe there is no interaction but I know better.

I talked with my therapist today about a diagnosis that was brought to me by someone reading my blog. Turns out there is no such thing. I was happy about it and I am always keeping up with the times. I thought I might have missed something but this person was just making it up to what fits. I find it a little disturbing because although it does fit, there is nothing that suggests it would take on credibility or even be in the DSM or ICD. Those are the standards I hold diagnoses on.

I also told her I am paranoid of writing on my own blog now for fear of criticism. I have had this blog for three years and though there have been a handful of dissenters, it always makes me question what I am writing. I know my blog can be a little dark and if that bothers you, I advise you to read another blog. There is a reason why my comments are moderated and that is one of the reasons. I am already a negative person, I am free to admit it, but I will not tolerate comments that state my writing is shit or questionable. You have no idea what I am going through so have no basis for what you are saying. You don’t like what I write, leave. No one is telling you to stay.

My therapist also brought up the book again. I get disgruntled every single time she brings it up because I have nothing new to add to the book. Sure I can go with what I have and try and make it longer. But I have no energy to do that. Hell, I didn’t even have the energy to walk to Walgreens to pick up my prescription. That took so much out of me that I am ready for a nap. But I got my “big” light on to keep me awake. If I put on my little desk lamp, I know I will fall asleep. And I really want to finish reading the “Tower of Babel” articles sometime today.

Oreos just came out with a new kind, brownie batter Oreos. I wish I didn’t hear about them because they sound so yummy and I want them. Their Reese’s peanut butter cup Oreos were to die for. Only complaint that I have is it was a small box, smaller than a regular Oreos box. I am guessing it will be the same with these brownies batter cookies. Just what I need. Another cookie to conquer. I am never going to lose weight. I have decided that if my doc says anything, I will just tell him I was suicidal and didn’t care about my diet at all, which is the truth. Hard to stick with dieting when you are thinking about and planning to end your life. I just got to make sure my clothes still fit me because I refuse to go the next size up. I swear it was the hospital that made me gain all this weight. I gained it last year when I was in and haven’t been able to lose it. I keep losing and gaining the same five pounds, never anything more than that. I just feel really guilty when I gain because I feel like I am losing my doc’s confidence in me or something. I fucking hate it. I know he has to tell me to lose the weight but he isn’t a thin man either. But I know that if I bring that up to him, he will find some excuse to bring it back to me, like he isn’t the one immobile. It depresses me because I know I am not as active as I used to be. Pain causes me to be immobile. It really upsets me when it is brought to my attention, like I don’t already know this. The best diet I have been on was the cereal diet. You have a bowl of special K for breakfast and lunch and then a reasonable dinner. But it got to be boring and expensive real fast. I don’t know why cereal costs so much. But then so is a thing of sugar. Funny how the prices of these things go up during shortages but never go back down when there is plenty.

My mother is babysitting my niece because she is sick. She has strep throat. I need to fend for myself for dinner. I have no clue what to make. I am thinking something with potatoes. Maybe fish sticks, if I can dig them out of the freezer. I didn’t have lunch today, a meal I have been skipping or having later than I normally do. I might have a bowl of Cheerios so I don’t have to turn on the oven. I don’t know what to make. And I am getting hungry so I need to find food fast!