Category: chronic physical pain

#TS1989 Day 4

by Midnight Demon, posted in bipolar, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression

TS1989 day 4

This is the 4th day that I have been listening to 1989. I can’t stop listening to it. Every song is my favorite and I think I am starting to know the lyrics by now. “Clean” is moving up to be the top favorite

For the first time in forever, I slept more than 8 hours last night. I woke up at 0830. I never wake up at that time. It’s usually 0730 or earlier. But I bet because I have to get up early tomorrow, I have a crappy sleep tonight. I will try not to go to bed too early, but I took a nap after I had breakfast. Not a good idea. Right now I feel so sleepy, I could go back to sleep. I am just so sleepy today and I don’t know why.

I am looking forward to meeting up with a dear friend of mine tomorrow afternoon. I am hoping that we can have a quick lunch before he has to go but if we just have coffee, that will be cool. We haven’t met up in so long because his schedule and my schedule have been conflicting. I still have to call his office and reschedule my eye appointment. I think I will have it done the week after Thanksgiving. But I get to hit Starbucks twice in one day so I am happy about that.

I took a short walk to Walgreens to pick up my meds and now my ankle is hurting me as if I walked 3 miles. I was doing so good pain wise and now it is back. I don’t get why I am hurting. I think the baclofen is helping decrease the pain some but it doesn’t take away all of the pain that I feel. I did stand more than 10 mins yesterday at the restaurant while waiting to be seated at our table. I was expecting to be in horrendous pain but I wasn’t. Now, the short walk set it off. And by short, I mean a block and a half. I did have to stand a little bit in the store but not too long. I was kind of disappointed that one of my medications was out of stock. I hope they are able to get it tomorrow. I will be in real trouble if they don’t carry it anymore. I will have to switch to another medication and I really don’t want that. I have been on this medication for years and I have found it works really well for my arthritis and back pain issues. My physiatrist wanted to switch me to a different NSAID when we first med but I deterred. We’ll see if my script gets filled this week or not. If it doesn’t, I will switch to a new medicine when I see my doc on Friday.

Game Rant: I completed three missions the other day. It took me months to complete so I was feeling proud of myself. Then Zynga squashed it by giving me 13 new missions! I was pissed. I still am because it is probably going to take till Easter to finish them all. But I a glad they are not repeatable. I hate repeatable missions because they just take so long. Right now I got one that is for mushroom soup. You need 15 but you need 4 soups with green beans to make 1. It totally pissed me off and you have to do this 4 times!! I don’t know why I keep playing this game. I used to find it fun, and sometimes I still do as it gives me something to do. But its laborious and if I was working, there would be no way I could do the missions. I would be stuck. I’m lucky that my new neighbors do help me out. I have like 250 neighbors but I think only 60 play regularly. My neighbors always talk about blocking people but I have no idea how to do that and I am not going to post on someone’s wall and say can you please block the game because you aren’t playing anymore. I kind of like having them around because I can gift them my excess things.

My cousin was supposed to buy my book yesterday but she never made it to my house. She had to work late. I am kind of nervous about her reading my book. I just hope she isn’t judgmental. It will really suck. Right now you can get my book for 99 cents on Kindle. Link is here

Starbucks and Chinese food

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, writing

Starbucks and Chinese food

Today has been a minimal pain free day so I decided to venture out and get my latte. I made a Snickers latte, which is has two pumps mocha, two pumps hazelnut, and two pumps caramel. It is so good! I sometimes get more mocha if I want it more chocolaty. I wrote in my journal and downloaded Taylor’s 1989, finally. It took two tries to download it. It annoyed me. I don’t know why I had to attempt to download it twice when I had ample signal. I probably should have turned on the WiFi, now that I think of it. Oh well. It worked and I have been listening to the album for the past several hours. So far my favorite songs are “Clean”, “Shake it Off”, “Blank Space”, and “Bad Blood”, though I think “Wildest Dreams” might enter the mix if I hear it enough. “I know Places” is a good song too. Hell, there is NOT one song on this album I don’t like. It is going to take me a few weeks to know the lyrics to each of them. But give me time and I will be singing along soon.

I have been craving Chinese food for the past few weeks. I was so upset when the place across the street from Starbucks was closed, for good it seems. They had the best Chinese food in my area. So I had to order from GrubHub to a restaurant in the next town over from where I live. I have ordered from them before but they don’t make a good Lo Mein, which is what I really wanted from the place that closed down. Supposedly we are having Chinese on Saturday for my sister’s birthday so maybe my Lo Mein craving will be satisfied.

I really enjoyed writing today while listening to Taylor, once the download finally completed. I basically gave an update about my father, therapy, and how I was feeling. My father and I didn’t spend any time in a medical facility today, thank god. I was able to call his surgeon and try to move up his surgery date. I am still waiting on a call back from either the secretary or the doctor to see what can be done to make him a little more comfortable. But it is getting late and with each passing hour, I am thinking they are not going to call.

I know I talk a lot about therapy in my blog. It is a way for me to process the session as well as think about things. I didn’t have therapy today because I wasn’t sure what was going to happen today. I have been feeling well so I really don’t need an extra session. I still have been trying to think about doing what she is asking of me, writing an affirmation blog, but I am having major trouble trying to write it. I was thinking of writing words down on a piece of paper to get things going but even then the word elude me. And she won’t let it drop. She thinks this is a brilliant idea and wants to see where it goes. I can hear in her voice how much she likes this idea, which just annoys me because eventually I am going to have to write something positive about myself other than I am smart and creative. But that will be on a day when I am feeling hypomanic or something or on too much coffee.

I didn’t wear the AFO today because I just said fuck it. I wanted to see if my ankle would cooperate with me without it. It did, my foot, not so much. I don’t know if I stepped wrong or what, but on the way back to the station to catch the bus home, I was in agony walking. The pain got worse with each step I took. And of course, when I got to the station, I had to put money on my card, which meant more walking. I did it anyway and I am paying the price now, though it has calmed down some since being home. If the pain is not bad tonight, I will go out again tomorrow. I want to get a haircut and of course, Starbucks. I finally found the email my writing partner sent me with ideas on what to write for our book. Now I just have to use them as an outline of what to write. I am happy with this. I know in the upcoming months it is going to be difficult to write because I know the depression is going to be worse over the next few months. It always does and some days it will be a struggle just to blog, let alone write a book. I am hoping the anti-depressant that I am on will protect me from a deep downfall, but I am weary. I can still have a deep depression even though I am on medication. Hence why I was hospitalized in August, though the suicidal thoughts have not returned since I have been discharged. Just my overall mood has sucked. I have more down days than up but I think that has more to do with the amount of pain I have been in than anything else. Once the pain is under control, my mood generally improves, if for a little while.

random 11 on the 11th

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression

I feel really unmotivated to do anything today. But I did return my one phone call and they are going to pick up my car tomorrow morning. I know my brother-in-law will be happy about that.

I was going to go out today but I had coffee at home so there is no reason for me to go out now. I will be going out tonight as I have my Aunt’s 90th birthday party to go to. I really don’t feel like going but I am her godchild so I need to go. And I have to take my father and sister so there is no way I can get out of it. My aunt will be very disappointed if I don’t show. I suppose I will have to shower now that I will be going out. I should do this after my blog in case it wears me out and I need a nap. I don’t know why a shower is so exhausting to me at times. But I guess when you have chronic illness, any type of physical activity if going to wear you out. I don’t shower for very long, in fact, I have timed it to be around 10 minutes. Not very long at all but it still wears me out at times.

I had therapy today. Again, my therapist wanted me to write a “positive affirmation” blog about myself. Or even a letter to her. I was going to write it on Sunday night, but I got too tired after all the good things that happened. I thought the good feelings would last but they didn’t. Sunday evening I noticed that Amazon had me as one of their favorite books of the year. It is no longer there anymore but I snapped a picture of it to prove it was there! If those of you that are reading this have a Kindle, my book is now on sale for just 99 cents. Here is the link.

We didn’t spend too much time talking about the affirmation part of it. I felt good knowing that my book touched someone Sunday night. Apparently, I have my intro to the book on my blog. If you want to see it, click here. I never knew this guy had struggles with suicide, but then, not too many people wear signs that they struggle, myself included. I tweeted him that he wasn’t alone and he said he would buy my book. I hope he does and I hope that it helps him in some way.

That was another thing my therapist pointed out to me today, that I am creative. I don’t think of myself as creative. I really have to focus if I want to be creative. And the thing about self-promoting my book is that I am going to have to be creative in 140 characters or less. I have 7 days to let the world know that my book is 99 cents. And I can’t use the same tweet over again. Silly, I know. I can have the same message on Facebook but Twitter knows when you use the same message. So trying to come up with several different hashtag combos and wording is going to be a challenge. So I guess I am a little creative but again, I have to be focused to come up with stuff and my brain doesn’t have the knack right away to come up with sayings. It is usually after the fact that I come up with a good line.

Something is going on with my phone. When someone calls me, the phone doesn’t show the number or person calling until like 3 rings into the call. It is annoying me. Like today, I was all into Twitter as Garth Brooks just signed up for his account and the phone rang but I had no idea who it was until the 3rd ring. It was my therapist and I was kind of off guard as I completely lost track of the time. For 2 seconds I was wondering why she was calling me, interrupting my Twitter scrolling and music playing. I had Luke Bryan playing and was really into the song when she called. I hate when people call during a good song! LOL Or I will get a few text messages during the song. Annoying! But I guess that is the price I pay when I listen to music on my phone.

We also talked about technological stuff. I had to explain about Twitter chats to her as she has no idea what they are about. It is a good thing because she wouldn’t be able to keep up. The tweets were crazy Sunday night. I had looked into another browser and when I came back, there were 20+ tweets that I had missed. All within a span of a few minutes! I know there are a lot of people that join the chat. I think one week we had over 65 people. Insane! You really have to be a fast, proficient reader to keep up. And then my phone was blowing up with all the RTs and favorites or mentions. I keep forgetting to shut my ringer off.

Looks like my father wants to make a “late” appearance at the birthday party. Just fucking great. Me navigating in dark is not so well and I know it is going to be pitch black come 5 pm tonight. I hate driving at night. If it was just me, I wouldn’t care but with my father, my nerves are on edge because he has his own “way” of getting to where we are going. I unfortunately am not that familiar with driving from his house to my aunts. It is going to be nerve racking that is for sure. Too bad I can’t take an Ativan.

Saturday Blog 14

by Midnight Demon, posted in bipolar, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression

Saturday Blog 14

I know I should be watching the OSU game but it’s a tight match between Michigan State and I hate watching nail biting games. I am keeping track of the game via Twitter and my CFB app. It gives me updates of the scores at the end of each quarter.

Another day in which all I did was sleep. I made pancakes today for lunch and I guess the carbs knocked me out. I have been full since and have not had dinner. I just am not hungry.

I have a full week of stuff to do this coming week. Tuesday is a full day. I have PT and then therapy. In the evening, I have my Godmother’s 90th birthday party to go to. I am hoping that PT doesn’t tire me out too much or hurt me. I have a day of rest the following day. Then Thursday I have an appointment with my father that is bright and early. I hate early appointments. I still have to figure out what bus to take to get there. I think I know what it is but I am not sure. And I hate the hospital he is going to. I wish he would just wait and have the surgery where he is scheduled but no. He doesn’t want to wait. Well, the day is coming as we are waiting for these other bozos to evaluate him. It’s so frustrating! Drives me up a wall. Then Friday, I am to pick up my niece. Saturday is my sister’s birthday and we most likely will be going out to dinner somewhere. I haven’t been told where, just to show up, which is typical. I told my other sister that I am broke and she says she got me so I guess that makes me feel a little better. But it still kills me that I have no money to even buy her a card. I feel so bad. But then, I really don’t believe in getting cards for birthdays and such. It is a waste of money as they see them, maybe read them, then they go in the trash. No one saves them. Just a waste.

I still have not thought much about the assignment my therapist gave me the other day. I think she gave it to me to try and combat my negativity toward myself. But I am so pessimistic that I don’t think anything can get through my head but negativity. I still see it as a futile exercise. I guess I am hoping I will get into a hopeful mood and do it one day.

I haven’t taken my nighttime meds yet. I don’t know what I am waiting for. It’s getting late and I should take them now rather than wait. I just don’t feel like getting up from my comfy bed. Besides, I want to stay up and listen to the rest of the football game. My meds will knock me out within an hour and I know the game will still be playing. Course, I am tired so taking them now will put me to sleep shortly and I don’t want that.

Lately, I have been thinking of things related to death. I wonder what will happen if I were to die. It’s the same thoughts I have been having for a while now. I struggle with not giving in to them. I haven’t planned my death or anything. But I still think about the thoughts I had while I was in the hospital and wonder if I would be able to go through with them. So far NONE of my plans have made it past the thinking and preparing stage. But that is always what I do. I think, I plan, and it goes no where. Usually because I get derailed by my therapist or if my psych is involved, I go in the hospital. It is going to be a rough two months just having contact with my psych via email. And so far, I have been having a one way conversation with her. I send her email but don’t get a response. So frustrating!

I haven’t heard anything about the reviews yet. I keep checking the website and I noticed there were more attempt survivor stories there. I hope my book gets picked.