Category: chronic physical pain

A Rainy, Flooding Day

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

A Rainy Flooding Day

It’s been raining most of the day. Of course I wanted to go out today, despite having babysitting duties. I really wanted my iced coffee and to pick up some burgers and buns. But, alas, that didn’t happen. And despite not doing anything strenuous, I hurt my leg again. It has been aching me since midday. I have been taking my pain meds, half of what I usually would take, because I have to care for a minor. I can’t stand on it for more than a few minutes and I am going to dread going up the two flights stairs to my room. I wonder why they call a bunch of stairs a “flight”? I can see it when you go up the stairs but going down? Just seems silly to me.

I had no therapy today, though I tortured my therapist with waiting till I talk to her tomorrow. I know she is going to be more excited than I am about David Jobes sending me a thank you card. I was curious to know if he got it because the guy in Switzerland just sent me an email of appreciation. HAHA would have been nice to get a box of chocolates. THAT would have been special! And I love Lindt chocolates!

So to get that card was really something and totally unexpected. I wish he wrote more than he did, but I am grateful for what I got. I still am treasuring the what he wrote. I really am ecstatic, don’t get me wrong. But my therapist brings it to another level. She came to my poster session where I met him and he shook my hand. We didn’t have camera phones back then so I don’t have a picture with him. Or if I did, I didn’t have the brains to think of getting a picture with him. I would have fainted anyways. I was nervous enough as it was and he saw me being all fricken nervous. I still remember being nervous and this happened six years ago!

I am in pain. The t-storms we are having is not helping my pain. I woke up around 0330 this morning and was not happy. It has been a long day because I had to get up at 0800 to babysit. Babysitting is easier with a 9 year old than it is with younger kids. You let them watch TV, read a little bit, play on the computer and you are set. You just got to feed them at meal times and maybe give them snacks. My little one today tried her hand at a pear and milk smoothie. I told her she should have just ate the pear but she didn’t listen. The smoothie was gross and she threw most of it away. I knew she wasn’t going to like it, because, come on, milk and pears?

It sucks I didn’t get to nap while I was babysitting. I mostly stayed on my laptop and did my thing, except listen to music. I so wanted to listen to Pearl Jam today as the songs have been rattling my brain all day. My niece doesn’t like the music I like and I don’t like her music so no music was played today.

I don’t know what I am going to do tonight. There are no baseball games today. I think I am going to try and read some as I haven’t done that in a while. I am just so tired I may just go to sleep instead.

Weird comment

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression

Weird comment

It has been almost a week since I received a weird comment on my blog. Instead of being supportive in a good way, this fellow blogger was supporting my decision to commit suicide and said that no one has the right to stop me. While it was unusual to get such a comment, I couldn’t help but agree as I was also feeling a little pissed off. It set off different emotions. I accepted the comment (all my comments are moderated), then I trashed it. I realized that I don’t want that kind of negativity on my blog, even though it was on target to how I felt on my dark side.

I was able to watch the game today on the TV because my mother was out today. I watched it until I could no longer bear the heat. I was disappointed to find that the regular announcers were not announcing. I found out through twitter that both announcers took vacation at the same time. It was so weird listening to the game with different announcers, and they sucked. The analysis was just awful. It also grated on my nerves so when I got intolerably hot, I went back to my AC’d room and listened the game on the radio. We won 11-0. The first time the Sox have scored that many runs all season. I hope that after the break they continue to do well. Otherwise, it is just going to be heartbreaking.

Tonight, my sister had her friends over and they were discussing work. I would have stayed but my leg started acting up and I had to put it up. It left me feeling guilty and bad. I still am unable to join in the fun so to speak. And though I have been out of work for two years now, I don’t think that I can go back to the workforce. It just would kill me. I still want to work at Starbucks, not to enjoy the perks of being an employee, but to smell coffee all day! I want to learn how to make a latte and a macchiato. I know it will be stressful and I will get the many upset customers who will say their drink is not perfect. Just thinking about this, I am wondering why I would put myself in that position. But making coffees and lattes has been on my mind for the last several years. I just don’t know if I will be able to stand the for the length of my shift without it killing me. And if I have to quit because my leg is hurting too much, I know it will just kill me. But I figure if I just work a few hours a day with a day off in between, I should be ok.

I finally got out of the house and went to the pharmacy to get my meds. Tomorrow I plan on calling a few places for quotes to junk my car. If I get at least $300 I will be happy. If I can get more, I really will be happy!

I wrote my therapist a few letters over this weekend. I think I will write one more before sending out my letter in the mail. I want to tell her about talking with a friend today really boosted my spirits. He was telling me that he highly respects me because of the book that I wrote. He couldn’t believe all that I went through and that I am still here. He is a really nice guy. I had to apologize to him when he told me he cried when he read my book. He is the second person I know that cried when they read my book. I think it is more because they know me than the content. But I don’t know. My writing is pretty powerful when it needs to be. I don’t know if anyone else has cried when they read my book.

I am following a PsyD (doctor of psychology) on twitter. He has more than 90K tweets. He tweets morning, noon, and night. Some of his tweets I like, some I don’t and when he gets on topic of something, usually gay related…holy fuck he doesn’t shut up about it. He will go on and on and on. Drives me crazy. He is the only psych that I follow that does this. The rest of the psychs that I follow just post stuff about their work or quotes themselves. He is the only one that is “real”. I really find his tweets informative, even if they annoy me.

Saturday Blog 7

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Saturday Blog 7

Woke up in pain early this morning. Then my stomach joined in the fun and I have been aching ever since. It is the worst gastritis I have had in quite some time. I have taken all the usual antacids you can take to quiet it down and nothing has helped. Eating makes it worse so I have been trying to not eat but I am hungry. I wish I could make some rice but I am so bad at it. I always burn it or overcook it. I need the 90 sec rice by Uncle Ben. I made the mistake last night of eating pizza around 9pm. It was very greasy pizza and it is still with me. My stomach did not like it as much as my taste buds did.

I did too much today but not in “normal” people terms. I stayed in. I haven’t left the house since Tuesday but I have been up and down the stairs most of the day as I just feel cooped up in my room. I also took a shower which inflamed my leg. It looks more like a tree trunk than a leg right now. So I am back in my bed, with the AC. It is really warm today. I don’t do well with heat. I haven’t since my nerve injury. I have become more intolerant over the years.

I haven’t pushed my book all week. It is hard being a self-promoter when you are in a lot of pain. I still have to send my book off for review. I am hoping that the AAS is kind to me. I also plan on donating a couple of books to my hometown library. It’s just a matter of getting there and right now walking is too difficult.

I still have not made my way to the pharmacy to refill my pain meds. Today was not a good day as I could barely walk between my stomach hurting and my leg flaring. I have been up since 4 and it sucks. I really hate hurting this much. I hope tomorrow will be a better day.

I stayed away from coffee today and elected to have chamomile tea this morning. It helped some, though not as much as I was expecting. I wish the stomach pains would go away. I really hate it hurting. If my stomach wasn’t hurting, I would have had coffee today. I really am getting into having it at home and that is making me stay at home more because why have coffee at Starbucks? It is making me more of a hermit. I hardly have reason to leave the house anymore. I know I am supposed to be resting, and I am for the most part. But not leaving the house for almost a week now is a record for me. I don’t have any doc appointments until the following week. I talk with my therapist on the phone because I don’t have a car to go out to see her. She is thirty miles away from me. She used to be in the next town over but as she moved along in her road, I have followed her.

I should, if the swelling in my leg is down, I will go out on Monday, or try to. I really miss having my Kati Kati iced coffee. It’s a coffee from Africa and I love it. Last summer it came out and it was so good. It is one of my favorites. I am NOT going to buy some for home because I really will never leave the house, unless I run out of half and half!

Daily living activities and pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Daily living activities and pain

I made dinner tonight. Nothing extravagant. Just boiled some potatoes for potato salad and my mother made grilled cheese. The whole peeling the potatoes killed me even though I was sitting down while I peeled them. My foot just couldn’t take the pressure on the floor I guess. I must have stood maybe ten minutes to get the potatoes in a bowl and cool them off some so we could eat them. I made potato salad with vinegar as they were too hot for the traditional mayonnaise. I will make them tomorrow as we still have some potatoes left over.

I am in so much pain from doing a little cooking. I made myself breakfast this morning and it wasn’t as bad as it is right now. I can’t believe that just standing for a about 10-15 minutes caused my pain levels to explode. Granted I am not supposed to be doing any of this. I am supposed to be resting to get my swelling down but I just can’t stay in bed all day. I am really bummed out that doing something simple hurt me so bad. I was going to take a shower today but that is off the list.

I am supposed to go to the pharmacy tomorrow to drop off my prescription for my pain meds. I have no fucking idea how I am supposed to walk there when I am in this much pain. My sister has a graduation party to go to so it’s not like I can borrow her car or have her drive me. I am so doped up it’s probably good that I am not behind the wheel. I am going to have to force myself to walk the three blocks to the pharmacy tomorrow. I am not looking forward to it because I know I am going to be hurting. I might as well stay and wait to have it filled as I don’t want to pick up the script the next day. I will just be in the same position as I am in now. I still have to walk the three blocks either way.

My cousin called me today and pissed me off. He asked where have I been and said he left a message the other day. That is bullshit because I don’t have a call from him. I checked my phone log and the last time he called me was last week. I hate liars. Then he said maybe I didn’t get the message. That really ticked me off. I quickly got off the phone with him as I said I wasn’t in the mood to talk. But he would let me off the phone without knowing why I was so pissed off. UGH. I don’t know why I answered the phone to begin with!!

I finally got the number for the junk car company to remove my car in the driveway. Now I just have to make the call. LOL I was talking with my writing partner about this. My family has been hounding me to get rid of the car. I don’t know why. It’s not like it’s bothering anyone. But they just do it to annoy me. My sister even volunteered to call for me. But I got mad and said I would call, don’t be rushing me. I stormed out of the house and went back to my room. I have been in a lousy mood and it’s hard to call people when you are hurting. My family just doesn’t understand how much energy it take just for me to go down the stairs to pee. I hate being like this but this is what my life has become. I can’t do simple things anymore. I am just too depressed and overwhelmed. My family thinks it’s because I am lazy but I am not. I just am too overwhelmed with stuff. And I hate talking on the phone. I get worried that I might not get a good deal for the car and I will get screwed. One place already tried to get me at a lower price than what is advertised in the paper. I will call tomorrow. I have the paper by my bed and hopefully by noon, I will call one of the three numbers and see what I can get for the car.

I know my sister wants some money from me because she cleaned out the car. I didn’t ask her, she just did it on her own. It was nice of her to do it but I hate that she now wants money for it. No good deed goes unpunished, I guess.

I am really worried about one of my blogger friends. She is going through a rough time. I wish I could help her but she is across the country, on the west coast of the US. We chat usually late at night if I am up but my late at night is early evening for her. We have a three hour difference in time so it’s sometimes hard to arrange a chat. I just hope she gets through whatever she is going through without harming herself. She is talking about going back to the hospital as a defeat and I wish she didn’t think of it as that. She needs help and the hospital is there to help her. I think that is part of the stigma of having mental illness. People that are frequent visitors of the hospital take it as a personal setback of some kind when it shouldn’t be viewed as such. It’s reaching out and admitting you need help and that takes more courage than anything. I used to think like her but I realized that my life is complicated and I have severe mental illness. It requires me to be in the hospital time and time again. There might be some shame in that but it really needs to end if we are to end the stigma around mental illness.

I know a blogger/twitter person that instead of calling it mental illness, she calls it for mental health. To me, that is different. People who are mentally healthy don’t end up in the hospital a few times a year or take psych medication on a daily basis. They don’t struggle with their illness every day, be it bipolar, depression, or schizophrenia. It pisses me off when people try and pawn off one thing for something else. Yes, I would like to be mentally healthy but that is never going to happen and I am not being pessimistic. That is reality.