So I’m inpatient. The nurse’s station is down the hall. My fucking foot has exploded (one with CRPS) and my good foot has an Achilles problem and hurts. I don’t know what leg to limp on. I can’t take pain meds for another hour because that is when the shift changes and the fucking computer system will allow me my meds. I just want to die right now. The pain is so bad. I know I sat down too much today. Having my leg down just causes me more pain.
I had a bad check in with my contact person. He got smug when I said I was going to go off on staff if they woke me up early. The new med is kicking my ass so I feel hungover when I wake up. I just want to sleep in. It will be Sunday for crying out loud. But he said I need to be up at fucking 800 for meds and vitals, which is bullshit because I can refuse both. Asshole wants to play games, I’ll play games back. I know my rights.
I am tired but I can’t sleep because I’m in a lot of pain. Another 30 mins more till I can hobble to the nurse’s station. This is why I have my pain meds by my bedside at home, so I have easy access during a flare. I might take some more ativan to help me sleep. I’m kind of upset that the flares have continued while in the hospital. The last time I was in, I wasn’t in so much pain. I was still on my meds but for some reason, the flares have gotten worse.I don’t have an explanation for this that I can say this or that caused the flare. I just know that I hurt.
I definitely need new sneakers. I think that will help the Achilles problem. I still need to see the specialist for it. But the office is outside of Boston and you need a car. I’ll have to use the zipcar to get there. When I can think clearly, I’ll make the appt.
Now my ankle has joined in the fun. Fuck. Why can’t I die???
This song has been in my head the past few days. It’s a song by Matchbox20.
I got notification of my grocery delivery won’t be delivered until after 2000. Sucks. I hate late deliveries. I just hope that I won’t be too tired. I made coffee today so I didn’t go out. It’s hot out anyways. There is a cloudy overcast so it’s not really sunny but it’s not cloudy either but it’s really bright. I hate bright days.
I listened/watched the ballgame that was playing. We lost 2-1. I was bullshit because if they didn’t have bad base running, we probably would have gone to extra innings. But the bats were silent so we didn’t get shit and lost the game.
Last night I was in a tough spot. Voices were driving me up a damn wall and so I reached out to a friend on Twitter. He shared with me a song called Topeka by Ludo and it really resonated with me so I bought the single. I thought about buying the album because I really liked the music but then I didn’t know too much about the group and if the rest of the songs sucked, I would be out money. It happens sometimes that there is on good song on an album and then the rest suck and then you are stuck with the rest of the CD. Happened to me more times and I just learned to pick and choose.
I was kind of suicidal last night. Pain was a huge factor. I had got all nice and cozy in bed when my ankle said fuck you, you aren’t sleeping. I took my pain meds like two hours before hand so I couldn’t take anymore, unless I wanted to take my strong pain pill. I didn’t want to because my bowels have been so messed up all week and I am just getting them back on track. So I bitched on Twitter my low mood and was cursing the world about my pain. I swear if it wasn’t after 2200, I probably would have gone to my spot and tried to kill myself last night. I swear I am getting closer and closer to doing it. I wrote to my therapist and told her she was basically useless in trying to stop me this time. And there is no stopping me this time. I told her I would understand if she didn’t want to see me anymore. It would hurt but she will be better off in the end.
Another song that keeps coming to my head is Daughtry’s song “No Surprise”. I really have to make an effort in there being no surprise that I kill myself. That is why I am working on the explanations of dying. I still have time, I think. I knew I would wake up in a better mood so I didn’t bother to email my psychiatrist. I was planning on paging her today about the trilafon situation. I am going to run out some time next week if she doesn’t call in another script and there is no way I can refill the script the way it is written. It would be too soon. I am so frustrated.
I need to change my stupid sheets this weekend. It’s always such a hassle because stuff accumulates on my bed and I have to take the shit off to change the bedding. I hate changing the sheets because I always hurt my back and it takes a day or two to recover. Last time it went fairly well because I was quick. But this time I need to wash the comforter so I need to place a blanket in it’s place until it’s washed and dried. Not my favorite chore to do.
Yesterday as I was feeling frivolous, I bought a membership to the Museum of Fine Arts in Boston. There is a Frida Kahlo exhibit coming up in the middle of Sept that I really want to see. It might take me a few visits to see everything because of my leg/ankle. I didn’t want to have to keep spending $25 a pop per visit so I figured a membership would do the trick. Plus it’s good for at least a year and I can go see other exhibits. My favorite ones are the Egyptians. I haven’t been to the museum in years. I remember the last time I was there, I got lost trying to get out. It must have taken me an hour walking around before I found the exit. That was before my back surgeries. I really miss walking around places. Don’t take it for granted. You never know when it’s going to be taken from you.
midnightdemons7 