Category: grief

Reading old blogs and thinking of stuff

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, grief, mood disorders

Reading old blogs and thinking of stuff

I have been reading blogs from last March. It was a painful period for me as my depression was very bad and my father was dying, though we didn’t know. I just came across a blog about last Easter, which had come at the end of March. He was giving me shit, according to the blog. I think I remember him being all dressed up, in his three piece suit, and his pocket watch that he was proud to show off. He made fun of the things I was putting on my plate, telling me it was too much food when there was hardly anything. I was barely eating those days because the depression took my appetite away. It was the last time he was in good spirits. I wish we took a picture of him all deck out to remember the occasion. We had no idea it would be his last Easter. I am so sad when I think about this.

His birthday is next week and I have to say that it is causing me big time grief. My sister is thinking of going to the race track to spread his ashes. It’s something he would have wanted.

I was talking to my friend in Canada. We have been friends for a long time and today she left me a comment. I wasn’t sure it was her at first but it was. I was talking to her via Facebook and she was telling me that she reads my blog to her husband every day. I think that is so cute and romantic, though my stories are not that romantic in nature. But the fact she is sharing my work with him is special. It made me proud to know her. I love you Yogi Bear, I truly do.

As I was going through the March blogs, I realized it has been a year that I have been back on Zoloft. What a difference it has made. I can cope a little better with things and realize things aren’t so bleak. I am in wicked pain right now but it’s not driving me to suicidal depths like it did in the past. I think the extra 50 mgs I added (with the ok from my psych) made a bit of difference. I have slowly increased the medication because I don’t want to get sick like I did before. It usually takes a while for me to get sick. Last time I was on it for a couple years before I made the connection that the med was causing me nausea every day. Now I know what to look for. I will have to tamper down if this happens again.

I never read my book. I decided to backup my laptop files on my thumb drive. I thought some mindless distraction would help decrease my pain. It did but didn’t. The thing is, the pain is coming in waves so soon as I think it’s gone, it comes back again. I might have to take another strong pill.

There was an article circulating on Twitter about a link between childhood emotional abuse and the opioid epidemic. When I saw it, my first reaction was “no shit, I could have told you that”. I retweeted the article I saw with a “shit” comment. The person that sent it blocked me. I didn’t have access to the article. Then someone else posted it and I posted it again with this is the article that I was blocked on. Here is the article if you are interested in reading this bullshit: http://www.psypost.org/2017/03/new-study-links-opioid-epidemic-childhood-emotional-abuse-48288

I call it bullshit because I think it might harm chronic pain patients that need opioids to manage their pain. I know that is why I was turned away from a pain clinic because a psychologist there said I had the “potential” all because I had a trauma history. Who the fuck doesn’t?? That doesn’t mean that every one that has had a bad childhood is going to turn toward heroin or oxy. People have used it safely. Chronic pain patients need medications or suicides are going to happen. Just makes me sick. And I am still pissed off I was blocked by someone I don’t know and that person didn’t know me!

Daily Word Prompt Missing

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, grief, mood disorders

Daily Word Prompt Missing

I saw this word and immediately thought of my deceased father. I never thought I would be missing him, but I am. I miss his stupid phone calls. I miss taking him to doctor appointments. I miss the chaos he used to cause whenever I had to drive him somewhere. While I was driving, he loved to pinch my arm that was on the steering wheel. It would make me jump and freaked me out because wtf. I didn’t want to get into an accident and here this asshole is making me uncomfortable driving. He would always laugh when I told him to stop. And the endless directions of where to go. Go down this way, no go this way. I know a short cut. Take this right/left. I actually listened to him one night while driving home from his sister’s and we got lost. Never again will I listen to him. And now I will never again hear him give directions on how to get somewhere.

It’s been seven months since he has passed. It still feel like yesterday. I am glad the intrusive thoughts of his death have passed. I think I have been traumatized by his death because I never seen a human being die before. It wasn’t pleasant. I am grateful that when we brought him to his apartment, he died within a few hours and wasn’t a long drawn out affair.

I remember the whole day that he died, from the moment we came and saw him to the transport of bringing him home, to his final breath. I still feel anger for some reason. I don’t know if it is because of the way I felt towards him or because of the stages of grief. I feel stuck in it and I can’t get unstuck. Not that I am an angry person. I am not, least I don’t think I am. My father was. He was also very vengeful. It really pissed me off that things that had nothing to do with him, pissed him off. He would tell stories and I couldn’t help to think that this man was nuts with anger. Oh how he hated my grandmother (mother’s mother).

But despite all these wicked stories and aggravations, I miss seeing and hearing from him nearly every day. Every time I get notification of the bus line that brought me to his door, I think of him. Every time I see the bus, which is frequently, I think of him. He hated me taking the bus over going to the train station, because it was “easier and faster”. It really was the same time as taking the bus to his house. His sense of time was different than other peoples. And he hated waiting. The man had nothing better to do yet he would have a damn fit if the doctors were late seeing him. One time the doc was almost an hour late and he wanted to leave. I told him we couldn’t or we wouldn’t be able to get his medication refilled. He hated that I had an evening appointment with this doc but I didn’t. It was the first one available and I took it because I didn’t want my father to run out of his medication and then have the hassle of not getting it because he hasn’t been seen. He doctor was an asshole. But he provided care to my father and I was grateful for that.

It is tough around the holidays and birthdays. Not seeing him at these parties is a heartbreaker. This will be the first Christmas without him and it will mark his eighth month of his passing so it will be a difficult day. My sister was crying at Thanksgiving and I think she will cry again on Christmas. She was closer to my father than I was. I had to distance myself from him because he loved to torture me so much. But I would give anything to hear him make fun of me again.

Grief of my father

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, grief, mood disorders

Grief of my father

I some how came back to the middle of March’s blog of this year. I was reading through my awful depression and didn’t realize how bad things were while my father was dying. I have no idea how I managed through the pain of losing him and the physical pain of my ankle.

I didn’t want to read through the blogs I posted in April because that is when my father died. He had a quick decline. The nursing home gave us 20 days of full insurance and he died about 14 days or so before those days were up. I never finished writing the story I started when I was in the hospital, trying to process that day as it was so vivid in my memory banks for weeks after his death. It still is vivid but not as intrusive as it was.

My depression kind of protected me from my grief. Most days, I didn’t feel anything. I haven’t read the blogs following my father’s funeral, only the few blogs that had to deal with the stupid oxygen company that wouldn’t come to take its tank away. That was the last day I saw my father’s small apartment.

I still haven’t cried for his death. I was deeply sad reading about his death but I still haven’t cried. I don’t know if I ever will. He was a difficult man. I hated him but had to respect him. He annoyed the piss out of me, most of the time. He knew how to push my buttons to get a reaction out of me just to make himself laugh. How can I cry knowing that I don’t have to deal with that bullshit anymore? It’s a relief that he is gone, a sad relief. I never thought that I would miss the bastard. But I do.

I never told him my feelings. It was forbidden to talk about them, good or bad. He wasn’t the type to accept honest feelings. I remember when I was little, a friend of mine moved away and I was so sad that I cried. He saw me crying and laughed at me. Basically he told me to stop or he would give me something to cry about. I stopped crying because I knew what that meant. We never showed emotion in my house growing up. It was always a slippery slope.

He said that he loved me from time to time. I never believed him because the man was a pathological liar. I actually stopped believing in him when he told me to jump off the bridge when he found out I was suicidal at the age of 15. He basically gave me permission to end my life. I have been struggling with that the last 25 years or so.

Too Early to be in a bad mood

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, grief, mood disorders

Too early to be in a bad mood

I woke up in a bad mood. I am trying not to let it get to me but it’s so difficult. I didn’t have any bad dreams nor am I in a lot of pain. My mood just sucks. I think it is because I emailed my psychiatrist last night and she hasn’t responded. It really makes me angry when she doesn’t say anything when I email her. Even one word and I would be happy because it would acknowledge that she got the email.

I plan on changing my sheets today. I was going to make sauce but decided that changing my sheets were more important. I am in too much of a mood to go downstairs and be with my mother. I really want to make pancakes for breakfast but my mother is still home. She usually leaves around 0930 to go to my aunt’s house. If I am still awake I will make them. I took some pain pills so I can do what I have to do today. My ankle is starting to throb so I just decided to head it off before it got worse. It gets worse and I won’t be able to do anything today that I want to do.

I still am feeling sad over the loss of my father. I guess that is one of the reason I am not in a good mood this morning. I got him on my brain. It is really tough to lose a parent, especially one that has caused you so much turmoil in your life. On one hand, you are grateful you don’t have to deal with his idiocy anymore but at the same time, you miss it. I remember at the last gathering we had, maybe Christmas, he was being a real jerk to me. Kept on making fun of me and what I was gathering on my plate. I didn’t have that much food on it but he thought I shouldn’t be eating that much. He was being such an ass. I hated him. He always treated me like I was doing something bad. I will never forget his laugh because he thought he was being funny. People have been telling me to remember the good memories and I laugh. There are no good memories with him. Only bad ones, some worse than others. He was never a kind, loving man. That is why this is so difficult. I never got the chance to tell him off, not that I would. I tolerated him because it was expected of me. If I had a choice, I wouldn’t see him for the rest of his days. Instead, I was there for the very last breath he took and it still haunts me till this day.