Category: mood disorders

drained and knackered

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Drained and knackered

I woke up around 4 because I had to pee and to take more pain meds. I had such an awful night. Around 2300, I had paged my psych because I was going out of my tree and I needed to hear her voice. She called me back right away and I told her what was going on. I told her I wanted a prescription for hope and she laughed. I was feeling so hopeless it wasn’t funny. I had posted something on Twitter and someone reported it as if I were in danger to myself. I think I know who it was and blocked him. I was so pissed because I couldn’t use my account until I answered their questions. I have removed my Twitter posts to write to Facebook. I just don’t need the hassle.

I got up and dressed to go to PT (separate blog). I was drained by the time I got there. I got some coffee and a donut. I bought some pumpkin donuts but I didn’t feel like eating them. I will have them for breakfast tomorrow morning when I get to Starbucks. I really didn’t do anything in PT, we just talked about different things and she gave me a list of things she wants me to do.

I got home and I wanted nothing more than to take a nap but it was too late. I needed to eat something but I had no idea what. I finally settled on some sliders. It helped wake me up some. I was ready to fall asleep so I decided to shower. Not a good idea. My ankle gave out after I had rinsed off. I was in a lot of pain. I just took some pain meds so I hope I’m not up all night in pain. I got the appt with the neurologist tomorrow morning and it would be good if I am sleep deprived. I told the PT that I really want this neuro to put it in my medical record that I have CRPS because my PCP doesn’t believe anyone. It’s so annoying because I have more than just chronic ankle pain.

The brace clinic got back to my PT and I need to get a script for a brace from my PCP. She wanted me to call my insurance because I had an AFO they won’t pay for another brace within 5 years. I didn’t get my AFO through my Medicare, which is what I am using for everything these days. So I don’t think there is going to be a problem.

I’m ready to throw my laptop against the wall. I’ve had to adjust the screen multiple times to get it right. I so need another screen. Two weeks and I can get a new one. I hope it solves the issue and it’s not the wire itself that surrounds the screen. That will be tougher to replace. If this doesn’t solve the issue, I will get a new laptop. I will buy Microsoft Office 2016. I am currently using Office 2010 so it’s time for an upgrade. I love this laptop but it is getting old and I don’t want more things breaking on it should the wire need replacing because I will have to take everything out to get to the part. Sucks the way they have constructed it like that.

ankle and foot flares so my mood sucks

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Ankle and foot flares so my mood sucks

I woke up around 0430 because I had to pee. I struggled with whether or not to go back to sleep because I knew if I did, I would have a hard time waking up when my alarm went off at 7. I just laid in bed. I had taken some pain meds as my ankle was being a jerk but it wasn’t too bad. I finally gave up resting around 645 and got dressed to catch the 701 bus to the Square. I brought a light bag with me as I didn’t know if my messenger bag would be acceptable in the courthouse.

On the way to the courthouse, I had my bag on my foot. After a few stops, It didn’t like the bag and I was in a lot of pain. Great. The pain got worse as I got off at my stop and walked to the courthouse. I had a few anxiety attacks from the pain. I was literally shaking and having palpitations. I went to where I needed to go at the courthouse and paid my fee. The woman said it would take four weeks to process. Damn. I thought it was quicker than that. She said she will call me when it was time for me to come back.

I carefully went to the train station that was down the street, about half a block. I was hurting pretty bad and had no idea how I was going to get home. Luckily, I didn’t have to wait too long for the train and bus home. I was limping as I got home and my ankle gave out on me as I walked up the stairs. I wasn’t going to do anything the rest of the day.

It was hot and humid today so I was sweating by the time I got up to my room. I must have been on my bed for about a half hour when my ankle bone flared up. I feel so depressed. I don’t know if I should keep my PT appt tomorrow or not. Going down or up the stairs is pure torture. I feel so hopeless right now. I just want to go under my covers and stay there permanently. To make me feel “better”, my mother said that she is not going to call me G. She is going to keep calling me my birth name. So much for her being okay with my name change. I just want to give up. I feel so weighed down and in so much physical pain that it’s like I am being crushed on all sides. Just kill me now. Why prolong the inevitable?

Next week I see my PCP and I am going to beg him to put me on a long acting pain med because every 5-6 hours sucks and if I don’t take it around the clock, I wake up in pain or I hurt worse for missing a dose. I’m done being a nice guy. He doesn’t, I will end my life. I don’t see what other choice there is. I can’t “live” like this anymore. My meds aren’t being totally effective anymore. I know I will NEVER be 100% pain free, but it has been so damn long since I was at say a 3 on a scale of 1-10.

I called the bitch coordinator that I met with on Friday to tell her I wasn’t interested in her group anymore. Her loss.

another disappointing season

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Another disappointing season

Sox just lost their final game of the season. I am disappointed and frustrated. I am also depressed that I won’t be hearing about the Sox until February when pitchers and catchers report. Just another year of frustration.

I woke up around 4 in pain. In addition to physical pain, I had nerve pain. I took a dose of Neurontin with my pain meds and then tried to go back to sleep. I did and didn’t wake up till after 1300. I wasn’t in too much pain but I took my pain meds anyway as it was getting close to the 12 hour mark and I didn’t want to go through withdrawal.

Now that the ball game is over, I plan on taking a shower. I will be going to the courthouse in the morning and I don’t want to take it as I might not wake up in time. I have my alarms set for the week. I like that I can choose a day to set an alarm rather than picking a day of the week. I don’t know if I will be able to sleep as I am pretty nervous. If I wake up before 6, I am just going to stay up as I know if I go back to sleep, it’s going to be hard to wake up when my alarm goes off.

I made coffee and something to eat today. My pain is not too bad right now, but that could change after I shower. I have been trying to take it easy today to not cause a flare. I’d really hate to miss the courthouse and have to wait another time to change my name. I have waited so long for this to happen. I don’t know how quick it will be.

I’m kind of stressing over this week because I have appts every day. I think I am going to cancel the PT appt for Wed and then just go Friday. I need to make the appt for Thursday with the neuro. I have waited much too long for that and I don’t want a flare to keep me up all night.

Red Sox win game 3

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Red Sox win game 3!!

I listened to the Sox game today. It was win or go home. Things were bad in the first inning. They were down by 3 runs. Then they scored 1 run to make it 3-1. I got tired of listening to one of the announcers on the radio. He annoys me as much as his Twitter rants. My sister said that she made American Chop Suey so I went downstairs to have some. My mother was making BBQ spareribs so I didn’t want to eat that much. But I did. Then I had some of the ribs. The game was 4-3, with the Sox leading by 1 run. I’m not sure what happened next as I was cleaning up the kitchen and then went to my room to hear the rest of the game. Score went to 7-3 and then a Houston outfielder dropped the ball into the stands, making it a 3 run homerun, bringing the score to 10-3! I was so happy. We play tomorrow but the time depends on the stupid Skanks. They are facing elimination today, too. I hope they lose so we get the evening spot, course, I always hope they lose.

Other than stuffing my stomach, I didn’t do much today. I slept for about 6 hours. I finally had to go pee. Last night I had urine retention really bad. I felt like I had to go but nothing was coming out. I was talking to a friend of mine till around 5 am. I was in pain and it showed no signs of going away or backing down. I had moved my ankle a few times and that shot up my pain higher than it was. I was maxed on meds and I think between the new anti-psychotic and my pain meds, it just shut my bladder off. I emailed my psych about it but got no response.

I was having a somewhat okay day until I went downstairs and took 2 steps away from the stair case. My ankle flared up again and it’s been hurting me ever since. I haven’t taken my strong pain pill, yet. I might take it before bed.

My sister had posted on Facebook that she made some chili. I texted her and said she better give me some. Then she said she was making me a painting. I shook my head. While I was down my other sister’s house having the chop suey, she sent this sister a pic of the painting. She didn’t know it was for me so she showed it to me. I laughed because the text said not to show me. OOPS. It was a nice pic of a giraffe eating some leaves. My sister is a good artist, always has been. I can’t draw for shit. She brought over the painting when she brought me some chili. I’ll have it tomorrow for lunch.

Last night I was putting together the paperwork for my name change. I am going to go ahead with it on Tuesday. I set up a time for 9. I just hope I can get up early. Waking up before 8 hasn’t been good for me lately. I hope I sleep tonight.