Category: mood disorders

Random 909

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

Random 909

I had therapy today and I told her the reason why I had to cancel last week was because of my episodes of psychache. We talked about it a little bit and about going to the hospital if I need to. She said that the hospital has always been the place where I recharge my batteries, despite how suicidal I am. I know it’s not a treatment place anymore. I have been burned more than it has helped. But it does give me some respite.

I was supposed to go to visit my father today but my bowels have been acting up so decided it was safer to be home than out. I was right because I took the trash out and had to go soon as I came back in. Guess no pastrami sub for me today. I am really exhausted, not saying I wasn’t before but the whole trips to the bathroom just wore me out.

I brought up a topic I really didn’t want to talk about but had to be discussed because it was bothering me. It had to do with my weight and how I feel about it. I hate myself for many reasons and being obese is one of them. Since my weight loss with the depression, I kind of feel like I don’t deserve to lose weight but I know that it’s better for me to be “lighter”. I just feel like I am losing a part of myself. Sure I can gain it back. But it’s not the same. I don’t want to be more than what I am right now. I know that since eating a little regularly I have gained back some pounds and I am sure eating those pastrami subs over the weekend didn’t help. But that is the thing with my eating, it’s all or nothing. I either eat a little, a lot, or nothing. Now that I don’t have a PCP after my weight issues, I have relaxed and sort of gradually watched what I eat and stuff. But it hasn’t been easy. I am not at my target weight and I don’t think I will get there as my appetite has come back. Not with a vengeance but enough that I don’t starve.

We talked briefly about my father. I just gave her an update about his current condition as she didn’t know that he is hospitalized, again. I also emailed my psych. We were talking about how the depression started before my father got really sick. The depression has been going on for months now and I am not sure it is going to get better. The medication I am on is not helping, least not yet. It’s very difficult dealing with severe depression when a parent is sick.

New PJs and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

New PJs and other things

I took a chance on getting a large as they didn’t have an XL in the new pjs I ordered. They fit and that is all that matters. I now have Superman PJs! I feel like a little kid. We didn’t have this stuff growing up so I am soaking it in. I would have bought new Sox jammies but I need to go to the store for it. They don’t sell it or advertise for it online. They will need to shortened because they are too long for me but I am just happy they fit.

I spent the afternoon with my father. He has unexplained neuropathy in his forearm and hand. I know what it’s like. It’s very unsettling and painful. My father doesn’t have a high tolerance for pain so we really don’t know what is going on. He just knows it hurts.

I have a splitting headache. I should have known I was going to get a migraine today because I was very nauseous this morning. I could barely move without the feeling of losing my stomach contents. There were no contents as I haven’t eaten much today. I did have a turkey sandwich that my sister made that she didn’t want. That and Ensure have been the only thing that I have had today. I just am not that hungry and having this migraine isn’t helping.

My sisters and I have been talking about end of life care for my father. It hasn’t been an easy day as we want answers from the doctor but he is remaining elusive. We really haven’t had a sit down with the doc because of his fluid issues and worsening liver problems. And of course, it’s always rush, rush, rush, when we see him. Sometimes I can barely understand him because of his Chinese accent. I hope he calls tonight with something but I don’t think he will. He isn’t the attending doc so “his hands are tied”.

I really didn’t want to see my father. I have been fighting the fatigue of depression for most of the day. All I want to do is sleep. Going out just made me more tired. I didn’t go to Starbucks like I normally would have because of the nausea. I really didn’t want something in my stomach that would come back up. I just wish I wasn’t so fatigued. I was practically falling asleep at the hospital. My father was sleeping until the pain woke him up and then I had to do something. What that something was, I have no fucking clue. All I could do was get the nurse, who of course at the time was with another patient. My father is an impatient man when he is in pain.

I have therapy tomorrow because I forgot to cancel before 1230. Maybe I can get out of Wednesday. I doubt it but I can try. I wrote my therapist a letter that I never got around to finishing. I haven’t decided what I am going to do with it. I might publish it as a password protected blog. I know I have been doing more of that lately. I apologize to my new readers as some stuff I can’t leave open. I am just paranoid the wrong person might read it and I will be in “trouble”.

tough day 2

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Tough Day

I am having a tough day where all I want to do is sleep. My ankle is killing me because we had snow this morning and it’s cold. The temps that were in the 70s a few days ago are now in the 30s. I am surprised my back isn’t acting up. I am feeling cold and hot at times. I don’t know why that is. I just want to hide under the covers.

I sent my psych an email late last night telling her I was having a hard time. I didn’t go into specifics. She emailed me back this morning asking if there was anything she could do for me. I really wanted to ask her to send hugs but I felt funny about doing so. I just asked to send good wishes and then explained that my father was in the hospital again. I don’t want to go out today, at all, so I will see him tomorrow. I also told her that I planned on taking a shower but I wouldn’t hold my breath to it. My ankle is just too sore to stand for that long. I just finished making lunch and already it’s acting up. Think today is just a pain medication and sleep day.

After I had lunch, I took my NSAID. I haven’t been taking it regularly because of my not eating. Now that I have my appetite back, I can take it without worry of it burning a hole in my stomach. I won’t be joining BPD Chat tonight because they are talking about the stigma of the diagnosis and I don’t have BPD.

why do I keep fighting?

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Why do I keep fighting?

I woke up from my nap. My pain level was the same. My mood was shifted a little bit but still dreary. And I just keep asking myself, why do I keep fighting the urge to end things when it’s so damn prominent. I again wanted to take a bottle of pills today. I thought about calling my psychiatrist. I thought of texting a hotline. I texted my therapist with no hope of her returning my text. I don’t know why I bother. She says she wants to be kept in the loop. What good is that if I feel suicidal and she doesn’t get back to me? Not a good system, if you ask me.

I didn’t do anything except listen to music. I read for a little while but then I couldn’t go back to it. My attention span for reading just wasn’t there. I haven’t finished a book in a while. I think February was the last time I did so.

I could have called my psychiatrist. I was afraid she would try and convince me to go to the hospital and I didn’t want to say no to her as I was feeling so crappy. I also didn’t want to argue with her. Most of the arguing was already in my head. I hate feeling this way. Now it’s late at night and I still feel like taking some pills. Why should I fight it? I can still call my psych but I really don’t want to bother her. Thing is, I would have to page her and my paging success haven’t been to successful in the past. There used to be a number that I had that you would get a person to page her but I have lost the number. I just have a paging system number that I don’t even know if it still works. I know if it goes through, she will call me back when she can.

What am I fighting for exactly? Why don’t I just give in to what I feel is right? Ending my life is what I want. I am tired of being in pain, emotionally, mentally, and physically. I am so tired of dealing with pain and today was not the worst day but when you get hit with psychache, nothing else matters except killing yourself.

I want to give in so bad. I don’t know why I haven’t. I guess I am afraid that I won’t succeed, that I will be a failure that I know I am. If I had a beam or a gun, things would be different. You just can’t trust pills.