Category: suicidality

Quitting time

by Midnight Demon, posted in bipolar, blogging, psychache, suicidality

Quitting time

Quitting time is one of my favorite songs by Mary Chapin Carpenter. It is the song that I sent my ex to officially break up. It didn’t happen. Months later she contacted me, then blocked me on Facebook and I haven’t heard from her since. I think I might have thought of it when I was going through some hard times with my therapist.

Right now, it feels like it should be my quitting time. I haven’t been able to get out of the funk I am in. My therapist is supposed to let me know if she has an opening tomorrow. I kind of don’t want to talk to her. I just want her to leave me alone. But the more I try pushing her away, the more sessions I get. It doesn’t go in my favor. I just don’t feel like talking when I am in this type of funk.

I am supposed to go to PT tomorrow but I might cancel it because of the weather. It’s supposed to snow and if there is a lot, I am not going out in it. My ankle is still going to bother me no matter what they try to do. I don’t think going to PT is going to help me. I was hopeful before but now, since I feel so hopeless, I don’t think the same way. I just feel so worthless and have the “why bothers”.

I got to call my doctor’s office tomorrow as I think I need something for this cough that won’t go away. It is worse when I go up stairs and I can’t catch my breath. Then I start wheezing. I just get so congested. I haven’t been running any fevers or feel sick. I just have this cough that just won’t go away.

I feel like giving up. I don’t have anything keeping me here. I feel so awful, day in and day out. Part of me knows this is temporary but I am just tired of fighting it all the time. Why can’t I just give up? Why can’t I just take my life? I am worthless and useless. I can’t shake these feelings. I have tried distraction, music, showering, etc. I still don’t feel any better. I am in pain with my ankle and that brings me down further. I really just want to end my life and be done with it. It’s quitting time.

Now, not later

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression, suicidality

It is very cold in Boston and will be colder tomorrow, like much of the US. It’s winter so it is expected to be cold. I just wish the coldest day of the year wasn’t when I need to go out. I should have rescheduled my appointment so I can stay nice and warm. But I will brave the elements because I need to see this doc. I need him to evaluate my hip and see if he can do something about it. I might need some more PT. I don’t know. I just know that it has been weeks since pulling the muscle and though it has gotten a little better, it still hurts. I also cramp up if I stand too long, say to wash dishes, which never really happened to me before.

I am very saddened to find out that Grant Mickelson is no longer a part of Taylor’s band. He was let go a few month ago and I just found out. I feel so bad. He was a talented musician and I loved his guitar playing.

Had therapy today. I told my therapist that I had the pangs of suicidality. She wants me to keep her updated on how I am doing. I don’t feel like it. I just want to die. I don’t have a specific plan. I am just wishing myself to death at this point. There is a recent study that came out that said those with severe mental illness are more likely to die younger because their medical illnesses are not treated properly. I would fall into this “severe” mental illness category. I don’t see how I cannot. I have multiple medical conditions that can kill me and I am at increased risk of having a heart attack because of my depression (another study that came out not too long ago). My being overweight and having hypertension doesn’t help these factors. I could wait to have one of these cardiovascular events to occur but I fear they might not happen soon enough. I want to be gone NOW, not later.

I am freezing. I put on a sweatshirt and now I am thinking of wearing a long sleeved T shirt AND the sweatshirt. I did it and now I am warmer than I was a few minutes ago. I might be dying of heat once the heat kicks in but right now I am toasty. Sounds like the wind is picking up. Just great. More cold air being knocked around. I have thermal socks on to keep my feet warm.

Interesting article for MHPs

by Midnight Demon, posted in suicidality, suicide, suicide attempt

After months of searching for this article, I finally found it. Hope you find it interesting as I do.

training MHP to assess and manage suicidal behavior_0209_oordt

Pens and Coffee

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression, suicidality

Pens and Coffee

I waited almost an hour for the bus to the square today. It was snowing and freezing cold. Luckily, it wasn’t windy or it would have been more cold. I don’t know why the bus was late. I didn’t get the text alert for it being late until I got to my destination. If I didn’t have to put in some paperwork for my student loans, I wouldn’t have ventured out today.

Starbucks had a new latte, which I had today. It was different than a normal latte. I added hazelnut syrup to it so it had some taste. The barista that made it has not tried it yet and wanted my opinion. Once you got past the overwhelming espresso taste on the first sip, it was pretty good. It is called a Flat White latte. It was expensive though, so I don’t think I will order it again. It cost about a dollar more than a regular latte. I am still waiting for them to come out with a good Clover coffee. They have new ones and I want my java back! I hope the spring time coffees bring it back. I miss having a Clover coffee.

There was hardly any seats available at the place when I got in. An old man was hogging up three seats across from him. He got very rude and indignant when I tried to sit down in from of him. I told him he was wrong and walked away. Luckily, a person was leaving so I took her seat, at the end of the long table. I couldn’t believe the nerve of that guy. He made me very angry. He could have been more polite and I think that is what made me angry, his rudeness.

After I settled in my new spot, I got out my reading material and notebook for the blog post. I then realized I forgot to bring a pen with me. I can’t believe I left the house without a pen. It’s like the AMEX card, I never leave home without one. But this time I did because I changed jeans and didn’t check the pockets before leaving my room. Luckily, my bag had my favorite pen. It had actually several, which was good. The first pen I chose however was blue ink and I can’t stand writing in blue when the rest of my notebook is in black ink. Yes, I am particular about the inks and pens I use. The second choice was the one kind that I have been using the past several years. I use Uniball Jetstream pens, black ink, for the past several years. I love them so much, I that it is the only type of pens I buy. I used to buy different kinds, from gel inks, ball point pens, etc. but now have settle on the Jetstream brand. I was browsing through Amazon and found that they came out with a BLX kind that I am hoping to get my next paycheck. These have different color tops but are the same black ink. They look really cool! But I digress…

I did some work on my blog post. It is so hard trying to write about this stuff because it means so much to me. I hope the Mental Health Professionals (MHPs) that read this blog take some information from it and use it in their practice. I have realized today, that it’s not going to be a short blog. There is no way it can be. There is just too much information to share. I love working on this as it is refreshing my memory on what it’s like being in research. And I am learning more about the SSF’s inner workings than ever before.

Today, while I was sitting at Starbucks, I had a pang of suicidality. I can’t help but think why am I still here. I don’t want to be here, at all. Yet I continue to be alive for whatever reason. My writing partner said that I am here because I have things that keep me here. I will also be fighting my suicidality, which is the main reason I found the SSF and Jobes’ work. I really don’t think I will be here if I didn’t find that article by Dr. Shneidman. I would have fell into despair and given into the statistics of all the reasons why I should be dead. Because, after all, everyone is a statistic in one shape or form. But as my writing partner and therapist have stated, I am the outlier. I still haven’t figured out where that point of data lies though..