Category: suicide attempt

stigma of suicide and ice cream

by Midnight Demon, posted in mood disorders, suicide attempt

Last night I wrote a blog about being a loser. I don’t know if I am or not. I know most people would not consider me a loser but the reason I feel that way is because I am struggling with mental illness on top of being in chronic pain. I can’t stand either condition. I fight with myself constantly with suicidal thoughts. I am so jaded to suicidal thoughts that I seriously wonder why people get so out of whack when I bring the subject up. People honestly don’t want me to kill myself and I wonder why? People I don’t even know, like the people I meet on the internet, all think I should continue to live and I honestly wonder why? Or that I shouldn’t have these thoughts. Well, sorry, I do. I think about killing myself 85% of the time. I think about acting on it not so much, though I have come close a couple of times.

I think the stigma around suicide needs to change. People need to be able to think about suicide like they do vanilla ice cream. They either like it or hate it but regardless, vanilla ice cream is still going to be around. As long as there are conscious people, there is going to be suicide. It might be thought about like people like me, that are in chronic pain and suffering from depression. It might just be that the person is suffering from depression and they just feel like they cannot go on. They might have voices telling them they should not be around or just disappear. Or maybe the voices just tell them to kill themselves because they will be better off. But I do know this…people should be open to suicide like they are to ice cream. They should hear the person that is bringing up thoughts of death and thoughts of killing themselves or harming themselves. The stigma needs to stop. The hurting needs to stop and I don’t know if this blog will make sense and reach the people it needs to but as long as I am here and not in the grave, I hope that people will read this and know they are not alone. The feeling of being able to talk about this openly needs to happen. Too many people feel they are crazy and they don’t need to be. Too many people seek help and are turned away because they have suicidal thoughts need to be helped. They just need an understanding ear and an open mind.

So the next time someone is thinking about death or thinking about killing themselves, I hope that you hear their story as to why this is so. Because hearing their story is going to be the deciding factor on whether that person lives or dies.

Angry Rant

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

I had to remove one of my posts the today because it became a hit for spam messages. I got at least 12 or more a day and I don’t know why. The messages were mostly the same but with long ass names like spelling the same name over and over but dropping a letter in the middle. It was really weird. I thought by changing the name (blog post 389) to something more meaningful it would stop but it didn’t. I am so aggravated by this, and frustrated.

I am up because I was talking to a friend and then I heard some noises so now I can’t sleep. I am fearful my mother is going to have another one of her “attacks” so I might as well stay up just in case. I am listening to my favorite country tracks as I am trying to stay up. I really want to take another dose of pain meds but I don’t want to pass out. My ankle is throbbing something fierce.

My friend asked me a question tonight that got me upset and I got off the phone. She asked me what I have been doing during the day and I could tell by the tone in her voice she really didn’t give a shit. I was done talking. I wasn’t going to explain to yet another person how pathetic my life has become by just going to Starbucks, drinking coffee, and blogging. She never read any of my blogs. She is on the computer most of the time and yet doesn’t read my blogs. That is fine but I thought we had a closer connection. It’s ok though. I don’t know why I am so angry but I am. I am so sick of having to justify every hour of my existence to someone and she just touched the wrong nerve tonight. She was surprised I didn’t want to answer the question and so be it. I wasn’t going to answer it. My prerogative. I had to listen, again, to how she is never having another therapist when her therapist retires, that she is not going back to therapy. UGH I know. You already told me fifty million times you are not getting a therapist. I get it. I wish mine would retire and I could start over. But that is not going to happen because no one wants to deal with a suicidal freak like me. I am so tired of everything and the fact of the matter is that I am thinking of taking my life again. I really want to end it this time. I don’t think I can stand another breakthrough bleeding episode or anything of the sort. I am tired all the time of doing nothing. Yet if I try to do something my foot explodes and I am done. I can’t help my mother with the chores of the house anymore because I am so disabled. I hate being this way. So I just want to fucking die. I will do something to take my life in the next two weeks. There is no significance to the date that I am choosing, though I think it will be the week after. I have to do this. I just do.

Night blog

by Midnight Demon, posted in Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, mental disorders, mood disorders, suicide attempt, writing

this is the first time that I am writing a third blog in a day. I am sorry for the posts but I am in so much pain I don’t know what else to do. I can’t say that I did too much because I didn’t. I just know that my foot is on fire and there is nothing I can do to stop it. I have taken meds to quiet things down and I am hoping with the Ativan I can get some sleep in a little while.

I actually am afraid of sleeping for fear of having that weird dream again. Or another one. I also don’t know why I had an anxiety attack on the bus again. I guess it is getting to be paranoia that I won’t be able to get off the bus at my stop because I don’t want to fall down. My balance on my right foot has been off the past several months, especially when I am turning. I seem to lose my footing because I don’t know where my foot is. It is so frustrating that when I am seen by people it looks like I am drunk.

I got so upset about my menses after my last bathroom break I needed to talk to someone. I just can’t handle this menses situation anymore. I am now bleeding more than I did last week, which technically, I should be bleeding less not more at this stage of the game. I am not a reproductive expert but I know when a period should end. and after seven fucking days, it should be OVER. I should not be continuing to bleed dammit. I am sorry if this sounds gross or disgusting but it is how I feel. I am so upset by this. I am supposed to wear boxers not pads all the time. I am supposed to be a male and because I am not in the right body, this shit happens and I am distressed about it. I was texting to a friend tonight and as I was, I was also writing to my therapist about hanging myself. that is me, I am splitting tonight. In one instant I am texting about marinara sauce and in my writing I am writing about the length of rope I should use.

I should be sleeping because I took some neurontin. But the stuff has not kicked in yet. I also just took my pain meds and some ativan but I am still fucking hyper and in pain. I bet the pain is going to go away first and then the ativan will kick in to put me to sleep. I just hope I don’t wake up at four in the morning again. that is what has caused all this bullshit. I am not sleeping at all through the night. I can’t remember a night where I slept past eight in the morning. It pisses me off. I think I should be up all night and then just sleep during the day. But then my mother thinks that I sleep too much. How can I sleep too much if I am not sleeping during “normal” sleeping hours??

I finished my Lincoln book that I was reading. I just have to read the Epilogue. but I really kind of don’t want to. I like the book because at the end it gives the same speech in the end as in the Lincoln movie. Maybe I should watch that tomorrow. I have not watched it in a while.

God this pain is unreal. It feels like someone is trying to shove a hot poker through my foot. I know it is nerve pain but I usually don’t get the hot poker feeling so I am not sure what that is about. I hope that my CRPS is not getting worse than what it is. I have been getting “hot flashes” in my foot the past several days now. My foot just feels really hot but when you touch it is cool. I don’t know what is going on. I am scared that the nerve damage is spreading or that I somehow twisted my good part of my ankle and now it is sore. I won’t know for a few weeks because that is when I see my PCP. By then, the pain could be gone and I would look like a fool. Either that or the pain will change to something else. I have had so much different types of pain in my foot I think my doc thinks I am making it up just so that I can get pain meds. I swear I am not. It’s just that the worse part of the pain happens at night and not during the day. Though this type of pain, the hot poker, seems to be happening more during the day and then gets worse at night.

Because of this I am constantly thinking of ways to end my life. The problem is that I don’t want my nieces to find my body. And so I can’t kill myself at home. I wish I could just chop my foot off right now. It is so killing me. I know I am not alone with my thinking of killing myself because I am depressed and in pain. That some how comforts me but at the same time it doesn’t. I know that I can’t beat this diagnosis. the pain changes too much for anyone to really believe me. how can they when one day I say that it is a hot poker and another time I say that it is like a barbed wire going though my ankle? or that my foot explodes in pain and I can’t move my last three toes. This doesn’t happen during the day. it only happens at night so when my doc examines me, I am not hurting. I don’t get the exploding pain, the hot poker, the barbed wire. It is SOOOOOO frustrating!!!! I don’t know if my doc believes me. I know my psychiatrist does and my physiatrist does. but I don’t know if my PCP does.

This is what I think about at night, when I can’t sleep. This is why my blog is called the midnight demons because that is truly when the demons come out, either mentally or physically. it truly sucks!

week 2 of hell has commenced

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

Week 2 of hell has commenced

I have to say it has been an interesting week. I have had my menses and I didn’t go crazy like I usually do. I still have the fucker though and now it is getting annoying. I have cramps from hell that are not responding to any anti-inflammatories so today because my joints have been acting up, I took some ketoprofen. It is a higher end form of ibuprofen (Advil) and I find that it works well for my arthritis. I am hoping it works for these menstrual cramps that I have. I have enough pain in my life. I do not need abdominal cramps to add to it.

Because I woke up at the nice morning hour of four in the morning, I slept till about noon. I woke up from a bad dream that doesn’t make any sense. It was about a car that was running and my friend was holding onto something to prevent it from leaking oil. She was holding pressure on the leak like you would a vein laceration. I then put oil in the car to replace what it has lost and a few minute later the damn hood explodes. Don’t know what the hell that means.

I wish I felt refreshed when I woke up but I didn’t. I didn’t feel like getting out of bed or taking a shower and getting to my Starbucks. But I did. Now that I have my coffee I am wondering what to eat. I am thinking of getting a pastry but I don’t know. I need something with more substance. Maybe a breakfast sandwich or something. I could have their turkey sandwich which has Dijon mustard on it. But I am not feeling that hungry. I am trying to save my appetite for the PF Chang General Chang for tonight. I haven’t had it in so long.

I am glad the kids that were running around Starbucks have left. They were starting to get annoying. They were cute and everything but I was just afraid they would get hurt if they fell or something.

I’m still feeling depressed. I think I just have a depressive personality. I don’t know what it is like to feel pleasure or be happy for more than a few moments. I have some things that give me joy like Starbucks but soon as the coffee is done I am sad again. I just can’t sustain joyful experiences or feel content. I know right now it is because I am hurting with cramps and my foot is bothering me. It never stops. But even if I didn’t feel pain, I still would be miserable. It is not a choice like many believe. I just am unhappy with my life. I feel stuck and it is difficult to feel unstuck. So I have this routine where I go to Starbucks and I write, either on my laptop or in my journal. I read, if my concentration allows it. And I rest because that is what is needed after an excursion into town. I really would love to take a trip to George’s Island this summer but other than exploring the fort which I have done a few times, there really isn’t much on the island. I don’t know if the fort is still explorable. There were parts of the Fort, built at the time of the Civil War (US) that were blocked off because they were deemed dangerous as it was falling apart. But it’s nice and quiet there. I have never been to Thompson’s Island in Boston Harbor. There is more activity to do there. Maybe one day I will go there if I can get my funds together.

I decided to get a bacon Artisan breakfast sandwich. It was good but I forgot I don’t care for the cheese much. I think it’s Gouda. I’m not a fan. The treat receipts are back at Starbucks. If you buy a drink before 2 pm you get your drink after 2 PM for $2 (USD). I might get a refresher drink before leaving. Depends on how thirsty I get.

I just added some stuff to my book. I felt that I should work on it for a little bit as it has been weeks since I last did so. I swear I am in love with the Kati Kati coffee that I have been drinking the past few weeks. It is so good. But as with other coffees, it perks me up for a little bit and then I crash. I hate the crash feeling. I usually end up taking a nap.

New blog today from the AAS as it is every Monday. I have yet to be asked to write for it again. I still have a paper that I am dying to have post. It’s about suicide attempt survivor reaction. I think it will be fitting for a suicide attempt blog. But I know that there is one person ahead of me for writing. Anyways, this week’s post really resonated with me. I have had a long hospital stay once and I don’t remember it going so well. The only reason they kept me so long was because they knew that if they let me out, I would try again, which I would have. I spent hours talking to staff but it did nothing to change how I felt. I was put on another antidepressant that did help my mood some but caused me to gain a lot of weight. Course my diet of eating cheeseburgers and fries for lunch didn’t help. It was one of the lowest points in my life. I know my mood has not been as low as it was back then but it has been close. I have not had a long hospital stay since, and by long I mean two months. But that was when things were different for psych hospital admissions. Now if I had attempted, I doubt I would stay longer than two weeks. Soon as I started to be “less” suicidal, I would be discharged. I would just have more therapy sessions. I think that if I didn’t have so many sessions with my therapist, I probably would be hospitalized more. Meeting just once a week just isn’t enough for me. Even though my therapist drives me crazy, if I didn’t have her support of meeting a few times a week, I know I would be in the hospital or worse, I would attempt to do something. But then I meet by phone, which is easier than meeting in person. She is on vacation this week and I already sort of miss her, and it is only Monday. I hope that with her being gone, I will be ok, especially as my menses are causing havoc with my mood right now. I really have been having some dark thoughts today. I keep hoping that I won’t wake up one day, that my autonomic system will realize that I am dead inside and just stop functioning and let me die by stopping my heart and lungs so I won’t have to.