you should not kill yourself when you are suicidal

Nothing interesting happened today. I just thought I would write about some more ramblings. I am feeling pretty down and I know the reason I just can’t do anything about it and it is killing me. I had written something about myself that is deeply personal but I keep writing about it and then erase it after I write a few sentences. I really wonder what my life will be like to live openly as who I am and not what I am. I really don’t think that is possible. I once considered it but it takes too much of an effort to confront those demons that are hurting me so. I still think that a fragile self is better than a whole one. I am too weak to fight these demons this stage of my life. I really feel that if I did I would fall apart and never be whole again. It takes all I have to live through each day and not break down and cry. I just cannot bare the thought of continuing to live a lie to myself. I must find a way or it will destroy me and I fear that self destruction is better than life itself.

I have been writing a synopsis of Baumeister’s Suicide as Escape from self. I find that it resonates with me on the deepest level. Yet as close as his words are to my real life throughout his jargon, I can make sense of why he feels that escape of self is the heart of suicide. And it is. I just want to escape into oblivion, where I do not think anymore, I have no feelings whatsoever, and am totally as he says, irrational. I am listening to Adele and wondering if I will ever be happy as she is. I won’t. being happy is not a part of my personality. Suicide has become my career and one day it will take my life. I cannot live with these feelings of self-loathing and hate for too much longer. It really strikes at my soul at the despise I feel toward myself. There is a song by the counting crows of how can I get myself away from me…that pretty much sums up Escape from self in a nutshell…

Is it wrong to want to die? I know in my heart of hearts that I will die by my own hand, it is a certainty that I am willing to live with but will others ever be on the same page as me. The all want me to live because they think I have a higher purpose in this life than the one I am living but I do not share their sentiments. I really think that by killing myself, I will be free. I will no longer suffer and that is truly what all suicidal people want, they want their suffering to end because it is too painful to continue to breathe life.  The only thing stopping me is well, I am not really sure what is stopping me. I guess I just have not been so suicidal that I really feel like acting on it. But then, according to the big suicidologists, you should not kill yourself when you are suicidal. So what do you do when you want to die but are not feeling suicidal??

A Positive Blog

I don’t know what to call these blogs that are just my random thoughts and think ramblings is better than just “random thoughts”. I tend to go off topic, if there is one or when I don’t think there is one so ramblings is more on target than another random.  But if it was just random, I would just call it random, wouldn’t I? But as the title suggests, I am rambling now as I am writing this…

today I get an email from a friend asking me to be part of an editorial board in the organization I am a member of. I am STOKED. This is my first attempt at this blog being a positive note as today was an extremely siked day. Not only did this person ask me to write for this column, soon to be named, but being part of the editorial board on suicide attempters is important to me on so many levels. I struggle on a daily basis with my suicidality, I would have what Maris would call a “suicide career” so to do some thing positive with my negative energy is HUGE. I just hope I don’t let people down with this opportunity. I have never edited any one’s work, just my own but I think I have the knack for grammar and the like. I am not an English major, never was as it is kind of boring, but I have picked up a few things with a creative writing course I took in college. I don’t remember if I finished it or had to withdraw. My college transcripts tend to be filled with more W’s than grades because depression would hit mid-semester and I had to choice which class of the 2 I could pass with a fairly decent grade. I was working full time and going to school part time and it was a struggle for me with my illness. It really killed me when I had to pull the plug in 2008 because my psychosis got so bad and the meds weren’t working plus going into the hospital because I was so delusional was not fun. The meds always made it hard to think so I ended up having to take an incomplete which is now an F because I never went back to school. Some genius I turned out to be.

the second positive thing today was that my psychiatrist asked me to be part of her 1st yr med student course. She has asked me to sit with a group of 1st year medical students and have them ask me questions about my medical condition. I find it fun. The first year I did this I told them about the chronic pain I was having and I think I made an impact on them with my honesty about chronic pain and depression that follows. These are going to be the doctors of tomorrow so it is cool to be a part of this learning process.

Then the nerve condition I had made my day suck! I had a little incontinence of the bowels that made all these positives go away in a heart beat. I just wanted to die with the indignity of it all. How could so many things go right and then this happen? Because I cannot feel myself go to the bathroom because of nerve damage to my cauda equina nerves, that is why. I have what is known as Cauda Equina Syndrome (CES), post. It really sucks because all the nerves that control bowel function and bladder function are affected. It sucked today because for some reason I had the runs and that is always *fun*.  I am literally afraid to fart for fear of Sharting myself. SO now all I can think about is ways of killing myself but then I re-read the emails from my doc and my friend and it kind of helped because if I do kill myself, I can’t be part of the learning process. I can’t be a part of the editorial board for this organization that means so much to me. And I would have let my friends down with my death and I am sure as hell sure that my friend in SA would be lost without me and take his life because I am not around to stop him. I really love you my friend and I can’t bear the thought of you ending your life because I ended mine. So maybe today is a new day where I have suicidal feelings but thinking of the positive helps me to see the light at the end of the tunnel despite desperately wanting to throw in the towel.

to escape or not to

5-9-12
Been reading Baumeister’s (1990) Suicide as escape from self. A very interesting read about how suicide is really an escape. My favorite line so far in this article is “an unsuccessful attempt may achieve the goal of escape almost as well as completed suicide, at least in the short run and in the suicidally deconstructed state, the short run is all that matters (p90).

It is my belief that by me attempting suicide I will “escape” and therefore may no longer be suicidal anymore. Now if I succeed and no longer cease to exist on the earthly level, I will be happy. If I fail on my attempt, at least then I will know that  I truly tried to escape from my pain, failed but yet I am destined to go on living. Yes it will be a humiliating experience but I think that if I just try to end my life, something good will come out of it. I need the release that unconsciousness brings. But my methods have changed. They are more lethal with less room for rescue and saving.  Should I have no intervention with in the first few moments of the act, I will surely die. The brain cannot survive long without oxygen. And whether I hang myself or put a bag over my head, this will ultimately result in death.

Escape has been what I long for. I cannot fathom living with these feelings of despair any more. I have tried to live and it hurts too much to continue going on day after day suffering the way I do. I just want to be able to sleep and NEVER wake up. I don’t think that is a bad thing to have happen. I know my friends and family will miss me but would they still want me suffering every day knowing that I am in pain or would they want me to be in a better place where I have no suffering?  Death is final. No one has come back from the dead and have said that it was terrible or good. We will never know until our time comes and I have known for some time that my time has come and gone and I just keep living just to keep people happy other than myself. This is not a life worth living when you are just here to keep those around you happy.  It is exhausting work. I will be trying out one of my methods soon. I just need to gather the courage to do it and soon. I can’t take living to my next birthday. I am done trying to live when I have nothing to live for…
Finally finished Baumeister’s escape from self. “In many cases a suicide attempt may effectively stop one’s life and remove one from aversive circumstances, at least temporarily”. Escape theory is right on the money as to why I want to kill myself, something I’ve known for quite some time but this article backs me up about it. Bozo doesn’t want me to attempt but if it provides me with the removal of my negative attributes (I.e., loss of my jobs, self loathing, guilt, etc) why not go for it?!? To not be is what I strive for…obliviation of consciousness….

is suicide caused by psychological pain

Since 1949, Edwin Shneidman has done extensive research in the field of suicidology.  He began his research by looking at suicide notes in the coroner’s office in Los Angeles (Shneidman, 1996).  During his intensive research, he came up with the term, “psychache” to refer to the mental pain, which, when intense, makes life so horrible and horrendous, that the sufferer can only think about suicide as the only option out of his/her misery.

Psychache can be defined as “hurt, anguish, soreness, aching, psychological pain in the psyche, the mind (Shneidman, 1996).”  Risk factors associated with suicide are only relevant as far as they can relate to psychache (Shneidman, 1993, 2005).  Dr. Shneidman believes that the true cause of anyone’s thoughts of killing themselves derive from this “psychache.”

During my research for this paper, I concluded that literature concerning the cause for individuals to resort to suicide is sadly lacking.  Most of the assessment scales for determining suicide risk focus on basically, two concepts as proposed by Rosenberg  (1999), action based and affective based interventions. 

Action-based interventions can include items such as a “no suicide” contract, increase sessions or phone check-ins, and, if appropriate, hospitalization. 

Affective based interventions focus on feeling and thoughts that are behind the suicidal ideation. 

Attempts have been made by several researchers for implementing a framework for something close to a “standard” for treatment care that is not determined by litigation (Brown, Jones, Betts, & Wu, 2003; Joiner & Rudd, 2000; Joiner, Walker, Rudd, & Jobes, 1999; Kral & Sakinofsky, 1994; Rosenberg, 1999; Rudd, 1998; Rudd, Joiner, Jobes, & King, 1999; Sommers-Flanagan, Rothman, & Schenkler, 2000; Walker, Joiner, & Rudd, 2001).  Discussion of litigation is not the objective of this paper, so if the reader is interested, Brown et al (2003) would be the work to which one is referred.

The frameworks provided by these researchers have provided many useful scales in determining risk and lethality of suicide, but do not include the assessment of psychological pain.  In Range and Knott’s (1997) analysis of twenty assessment instruments, not one of the twenty examined includes an assessment of psychological pain.  One reason for this is the subjectivity on the individual’s emotions, thoughts, mental state, and experience (Kral & Sakinofsky, 1994).  According to Kral and Sakinofsky (1994), suicidologists are in general agreement that “predicting suicide for a given individual is that, like many human states, the suicidal state has a temporal, fluctuating dimension”.  They propose that the evaluation of psychache experience, the psychological state of the suicidal person, is the key to accurate risk assessment.

Psychache is subjective.  A person is not going to feel the exactly the same way for any length of time.  However, if the level of perturbation (mental anguish) increases in intensity for too long, the individual is going to feel a need to escape from the anguish and despair by any means necessary, including by not existing any more.  If suicide is seen as the only option, the only form of escape, lethality of a suicide attempt is high risk.  Kral and Sakinofsky (1994) have stated that treatment of perturbation will reduce lethality and treatment of lethality ideation will reduce perturbation as these two states can feed off one another (Kral & Sakinofsky, 1994). 

A scale to the assessment of suicide risk would be to have a scale of the person’s needs and current psychological pain.  Dr. Shneidman believes, as do I, that when psychache is intense, perturbation is intolerable, and one or more psychological needs are thwarted or blocked, suicide is seen as the only option of relieving the psychache (Shneidman, 1999).  He has based these needs on described by Henry Murray’s (1938) Explorations in Personality. Shneidman has developed 20 psychological needs.  These needs are weighted and the total sum is 100 (see table 1 for an example).

Table 1

 

Murray Need Form

­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­_______________________________________________________________________
Subject: ____________________Sex: _______Age: ______Rater:________Date:_______

­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­_______________________________________________________________________

_____   ABATEMENT          The need to submit passively; to belittle oneself.

_____  ACHIEVEMENT      To accomplish something difficult; to overcome.

_____  AFFILIATION         To adhere to a friend or group; to affiliate.

_____  AGGRESSION         To overcome opposition forcefully; fight, attack.

_____  AUTONOMY           To be independent and free; to shake off restraint.

_____  COUNTERACTION                       To make up for loss by retrieving; get even

_____  DEFENDANCE        To vindicate the self against criticism or blame

_____  DEFERENCE           To admire and support, praise emulate a superior

_____  DOMINANCE          To control, influence, and direct others; dominate

_____  EXHIBITION           To excite, fascinate, amuse, entertain others

_____  HARMAVOIDANCE          To avoid pain, injury, illness, and death.

_____  INVIOLACY                        To protect the self and one’s psychological space.

_____  NURTURANCE       To feed, help console, protect, nurture another.

_____  ORDER                     To achieve organization and order among things and ideas

_____  PLAY                                    To act for fun; to seek pleasure for its own sake.

_____  REJECTION             To exclude, banish, jilt, or expel another person.

_____  SENTIENCE             To seek sensuous, creature-comfort experience.

_____  SHAME-AVOIDANCE       To avoid humiliation and embarrassment

_____  SUCCORANCE       To have one’s needs gratified; to be loved

_____  UNDERSTANDING                        To know answers; to know the hows and whys.

100

(Shneidman, 1999; used with permission)
References:

 

Brown, G. S., Jones, E. R., Betts, E., & Wu, J. (2003). Improving suicide risk assessment in a managed care environment. Crisis, 24(2), 49-55.

Joiner, T. E., & Rudd, M. D. (2000). Intensity and duration of suicidal crises vary as a function of previous suicide attempts and negative life events. Journal of Counseling and Clinical Psychology, 68(5), 909-916.

Joiner, T. E., Walker, R. L., Rudd, M. D., & Jobes, D. A. (1999). Scientizing and routinizing the assessment of suicidality in outpatient practice. Professional Psychology: Research and Practice, 30(5), 447-453.

Kral, M. J., & Sakinofsky, I. (1994). Clinical model for suicide risk assessment. Death Studies, 18, 311-326.

Murray, H. A. (1938). Explorations in personality. New York: Oxford University Press.

Range, L. M., & Knott, E. C. (1997). Twenty suicide assessment instruments: Evaluation and recommendations. Death Studies, 21(1), 25-58.

Rosenberg, J. I. (1999). Suicide prevention: An integrated training model using affective and action-based interventions. Professional Psychology: Research and Practice, 30(1), 83-87.

Rudd, M. D. (1998). An integrative conceptual and organizational framework for treating suicidal behavior. Psychotherapy, 35(3), 346-360.

Rudd, M. D., Joiner, T. E., Jobes, D. A., & King, C. A. (1999). The outpatient treatment of suicidality: An integration of science and recognition of its limitations. Professional Psychology: Research and Practice, 30(5), 437-446.

Shneidman, E. (1996). The suicidal mind: Oxford University Press.

Shneidman, E. S. (1993). Commentary: Suicide as psychache. Journal of Nervous and Mental Disease, 181, 147-149.

Shneidman, E. S. (1996). Suicide as psychache.New York and London: New York University Press.

Shneidman, E. S. (1999). The psychological pain assessment scale. Suicide and Life-Threatening Behavior, 29(4), 287-294.

Shneidman, E. S. (2005). How I read. Suicide and Life-Threatening Behavior, 35(2), 117-120.

Sommers-Flanagan, J., Rothman, M., & Schenkler, R. (2000). Training psychologists to become competent suicide assessment interviewers: Commentary on Rosenberg’s(1999) suicide prevention. Professional Psychology: Research and Practice, 31(1), 99-100.

Walker, R. L., Joiner, T. E., & Rudd, M. D. (2001). The course of post-crisis suicidal symptoms: How and for whom is suicide “cathartic”? Suicide and Life-Threatening Behavior, 31(2), 144-152.

Copyright 2013, Collerone, G