Category: suicide attempt

sense of humor keeping me alive?

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, mental disorders, mental illness, suicide, suicide attempt, transgender

Sense of humor keeping me alive?

Been thinking about this today.. I was at an interview meeting for first year medical students and I remember joking a lot with the interviewer. I was talking about serious stuff, like my suicide and transgender issues and I kept thinking why is every one laughing. I was laughing at myself, but inside. The voices were watching me and I could tell they were not pleased. They always get nervous when I tell people my most personal thoughts. I guess they get jealous when I tell people outside because the voices are lonely and they need me to continue to talk to them to exist. I have not been faithful with my medication the past few days. I find that my mind is better for writing when I am not medicated than when I am. It truly sucks trying to write and you can’t because the thoughts just are not flowing.

I began reading a book on sibling suicide written by a friend of mine. I had no idea how suicide affected siblings. I never thought about how my sisters would react to my death if I died by my own hand. I was more afraid of their children’s grief than theirs. I guess you can say I am too old to kill myself but that does not mean I want to live. I am forced to live because of my responsibilities to others. That is why I am still here. I can joke about suicide and suicidal thinking, because it is who I am. Right now I am feeling like the biggest asshole on the planet and I am betting not a single person on facebook responds to it. I know I post a lot of statuses. It is because I am bored most of the time and have to tell people what I am doing like they really care. I find that less meaningful statuses draw more attention than serious ones. I don’t know why that seems important to me but I have noticed it. Very rarely do my family members respond. Usually my friends do. Even those that are across the pond will respond. I know that not everyone can respond to each of my twenty or more statuses but the ones that mean the most to me are the ones that I find the most painful. I complain a lot about being in chronic pain. I use my Facebook status to vent about how awful I feel, both physically and mentally. It is very rare that I will post I am having a good day. The days last week are gone and I doubt they will happen again. I feel like my air has been let out of the balloon and now I am back to my usual level of depression.

Today I had a migraine. It was really bright outside and I resented having to go out to this meeting but I agreed and I always hold up to my commitments no matter how bad I was feeling. In this meeting I divulged more than I should have and I think that is why I am feeling very terrible now. I can’t shut up the voices in my head. They have been chattering non-stop since I have come home. I have been trying to read to drown them out but it does no good. They keep telling me I am a loser and won’t amount to a thing. That the book deal with my friend will never happen, that it was a joke to start with and I am starting to believe them because why would someone want to hear my voice? What makes me so damn special that others want to know my struggles with depression and suicide and being a transgender or being homosexual? But am I really homosexual if I am a guy and like women? I am so confused!!! I just want to fricken die rather than deal with this stuff. I know that I must continue to live to make others happen but it’s killing me to struggle every damn day, whether I pee my pants, crap my pants, am in chronic pain with my stupid ankle or have the nerve pain from hell or just have the biggest psychache in the world for no reason other than I am not who I am. I am a guy trapped in a woman’s body and it is killing me to be this way.

a little of this, a little of that

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, medical, mental illness, suicide, suicide attempt

To write or not to write, that is the question. Been trying the past few days to write something, anything and I came up with nothing. I had jotted down one of my statuses as a starter to write but it too has not gone anywhere. Right now as I am writing this I am becoming exhausted. I was hoping my therapist would call me tonight but it doesn’t look promising.

Been thinking the past few days about needs. Everyone has some need that is not being fulfilled at any given time. Shneidman, the father of suicidology thought there were 20 needs that lead to suicide. I talk about him a lot in my writing so people know this sweet man that called me out of the blue one day. I was actually shaken up by his phone call. To me, he was as famous as Richard Gere. I was so honored that I didn’t know what to say to him when I called. Time was of the essence because his health was frail and if he died before I called him, I would never had the courage to talk with him for a half hour that truly was the highlight of my life. Now if Dr. Jobes ever calls me, I will have a heart attack. He is another person I deeply respect because he writes about suicide and what it is like and not only this but developed an assessment that can be used to help save someone’s life. I will write about his works until my dying day because he has the knowhow of what it is to be suicidal. I am not saying that he is or ever has been suicidal, but he has lead the way in the collaboration of so many professionals for one goal, to end suicide. Granted not all suicidal people can be saved, but he is willing to try, which is more than what I can say for some of the top professionals in Boston. I had my doubts ever since I tried getting a new therapist and failed, ten times!! No one would take me on and then the one, the last one that did was afraid of me. I couldn’t be in that therapy if someone is afraid of me because I am high risk. Sure, statistically I should be dead. But by the grace of some higher power, I am not.

That brings me back to the needs. I have been thinking about what my needs are that are not being met that drive me suicidal. I know that I am not loved, I have a need to feel important because I think I am nothing, I have a drive to succeed but yet I know I will fail. That truly is my biggest thing. I failed at killing myself and feel terrible at that loss. It is a loss that I have yet to get over. I still truly believe that I am meant to die by my own hand though there still is a drive to keep me going. I was asked recently on what it is that keeps me here. To tell the truth I have no idea. Some part of it is faith and hope, others is a pesky therapist that will “die” if I die. The aftermath of a suicide is not pretty. I sometimes wish I could be a part of Jobes world for a little bit and see what he sees in a hopeless case like me. What he would say or do to try and ease my suffering and then I look at my therapist who is doing all she can to keep me sane and alive. There is nothing more that she can do that what she is doing. Suicidal thinking has become a part of me that I can’t let go. I read about it every day to try and ease my pain, I work with my therapist who is a pain in the ass sometimes and she is open to my ideas of what treatment is and does not have the “I know it all you know nothing” attitude. If she did, I doubt that I would have stayed with her for this long.

The twenty needs are abatement, achievement, affiliation, aggression, autonomy, counteraction, defendence, deference, dominance, exhibition, harm avoidance, inviolacy, nurturance, order, play, rejection, sentience, shame avoidance, succorance, and understanding. If I was to fill out the model of the needs, my highest would be affiliation, achievement, succorance, nurturance, and understanding. As I have written in a previous paper (https://midnightdemons7.wordpress.com/2012/09/03/is-suicide-caused-by-psychological-pain/),  the twenty needs are weighted on the sum of 100, though Dr. Shneidman does not say what the scale is for each of the 20, and as much as I have tried to ascertain this information through his research, I have not been able to find it. Everyone has these needs in some way shape or form. And when they become blocked or frustrated, suicidal thinking occurs. I know my need for affiliation is great at times that sometimes I get frustrated. I don’t necessarily become suicidal all the time because I have not been friends with someone but I’ll admit that it is lonely when you don’t have too many friends that call you anymore or that just keep in touch via email. I am a loner by nature but that doesn’t mean that I am friendless.  My online contacts mean more to me than my non-online friends. My family does not know too much about what I write, if they read my blogs at all. But this is my livelihood, writing about suicide because it means so much to me. It is the biggest demon I have had to face in my life and sometimes it gets the better part of me.

This past April I went to the annual conference of the American Association of Suicidology and found out some things I already knew. I met my favorite suicidologist and his trainees again. One of his trainees has become a good friend of mine. I also found out that I am a hopeless case that no one in their right mind would want. I am high risk, psychotic and delusional at times, and have multiple suicide attempts. I asked one of the guys from Mayo about this “case” I was working on and he wouldn’t touch it with a ten foot pole. Thanks dude, you really shown me how much hope I have for my future. It was an exhausting trip. Next one is in Texas and I am not sure if I am going to go. I have never been that far out west. I really don’t know anyone close by. I would have to stay at a hotel for the few days. But it might be fun to meet up with my co-author and discuss my book that she wants me to write. She is the biggest proponent in my writing right now. She had me publish my blog and it has done well so far. Since I started it in July, I have had almost a thousand views. I hope that I am able to meet up with her in Texas but I don’t think I will have the financial resources to pull it off.

I got notification this week that I am found to be disabled. My social security disability has gone through. I now can collect a check every month while I write and not have to worry about how I am going to pay for my Starbucks coffee habit. Starbucks is truly what keeps  me going some days. It is a chance for me to go out of the house, even if it exhausts me. To have that one cup of joy a day is usually all I can get out of my day. Instead of my mocha, lately I have been enjoying the Blue Java of Indonesia. It has a full bodied flavor that I like. I have tried the Panama but wasn’t too thrilled with it. It was a little too earthly flavored. I am going to try the blue mountain as it seems like I will like it. But none of this would be possible if I was not deemed disabled due to my mental illness. Since I found out I have been more depressed. I find it more exhausting to do tasks. Even my writing as dwindled to what it was. I try journaling to keep the ideas going and sometimes I will write something I think worthy of a blog but mostly I keep my personal thoughts personal. There was a time when I used to share my journal with my therapist as a sort of therapeutic processing, but seeing as I don’t see her physically anymore, I might end up sending her an email about my thoughts on certain things. Like my suicide attempt paper I wrote that was extremely difficult for me to write. It stirred up a lot of emotions, some of which I had no idea I was still carrying around.

The reasons I am still around are many but sometimes that is not so obvious in a crisis. It truly is up to the individual to make the choice and no one can take it away. But if they let a professional know they are hurting and thinking of taking their life, they might be able to get the help they need. I just hope that with that help the person finds someone who is understanding and asks, “where do you hurt”?  Because otherwise it is going to be a long road for that person to find the help they need. Not all professionals are alike. They have different disciplines and treatment plans. But if they are able to find a therapist who is willing to take them as they are, that therapist is worth their weight in gold.

In the thick of the Abyss

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, mental disorders, mental illness, suicide, suicide attempt

I don’t know why but the past few days have my mood going down and down instead of in the opposite direction despite the changes in my circumstance. I now know how Poe felt when he wrote I am wretched and know not why. “My feelings at this moment are pitiable indeed.  I am suffering under a depression of spirits much as I have never felt before.  I have struggled in vain against the influence of this melancholy-you will believe me when I say that am still miserable in spite of the great improvements in my circumstances.  I say you will believe me, and for this simple reason, that a man who is writing for effect does not write thus.  My heart is open before you if it be worth reading. Read it.  I am wretched and know not why.  Console me-for you can. But let it be quickly or it will be too late.  Write me immediately. Convince me that it is worth one’s while -that it is all necessary to live, and you will indeed prove yourself my friend.  Persuade me to do what is right. I do not mean this- I do not mean that you should consider what I now write a jest-oh pity me! For I feel that my words are incoherent- but I will recover myself.  You will not fail to see that I am suffering under a depression of spirits which will [not fail to] ruin me should it be long continued.” edgar allan poe

 I truly think that I am a bad person who just deserves evil things to come at me not good. I can’t understand why though. People say that I write good but I think it’s crap. I am supposed to have this editorial position but yet I don’t think I should have it despite the person who wants me to have this job thinks I should. I know she is a better judge of character. I just can’t see anything but darkness right now and for someone to tell me that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, well let’s just hope they don’t because I know I will dope slap them. There is no light as far as I can see. Today is a dreary day and it should make me happy but instead it just eases my gloom because it’s how I feel. I started feeling down Sunday and it’s now Tuesday. I don’t see my mood changing. What is worse is that I had an impulse to put a rope around my neck this afternoon soon as I got home from forcing myself out. It quickly went away but the thought unsettled me. I guess it doesn’t help that I can do this at anytime, anywhere I choose. It won’t take much to do. I just need the guts to do it. I am going down this road and it is horribly painful. I had another incontinent episode today so that further brought me down. You would think I would be used to pissing my pants but I am not. Yesterday I got awarded being disabled and I can’t help but think that I am been demoralized because of it. I no longer feel like I have a right to anything, much less life. It is the price you pay with a damaged nerve and damaged mind. I can’t go back and change things but I can at least appreciate things more. I just hope I am fit enough for the task ahead with this writing that I am doing but I am not so sure.

Writing has always been something that I do to pass time and it has worked well. When I am not writing, I am deeper in the abyss. There have been studies on it but I can’t think of who the guys are right now. Not that it really matter to you, my reader. I have wondered always if I am too smart for my own good. Maybe I am. Maybe I’m not. I don’t know anymore. I just know my heart is broken and I don’t know what caused it to be this way. I am just so damn downhearted and it is just getting worse.

A Drunken Ramble about fear of suicide

by Midnight Demon, posted in mental disorders, mental illness, suicide, suicide attempt

Most people have fears of death, but for those that are suicidal, they tend to want death because they believe death is the only way out. I emphasize the word only because according to the father of suicidology, Edwin Shneidman, “it is a very dangerous word in the world of the suicidal mind”. These people generally will only think of fear due to what Marsha Linehan calls fear of suicide, which is the belief that failure, cowardice, or fear of death that prevents someone from committing suicide.

Aside from these reasons for attempters to try, there is the fear of loved ones and friends of losing someone by death that has not been talked about. Mental illness in some form will affect someone you know more than you think. Even the most upbeat person can suffer from depression but no on knows this because they keep it hidden.

Most people shy away from suicide talk. They don’t want to hear it or will make stupid comments such as “people who commit suicide are selfish”, that “it’s wrong to take one’s life because only God can do that”. Despite these statements, hundreds of people attempt suicide every day. Suicide is the 3rd top killer of Americans more than heart attacks and cancer combined. How can people take their life is a puzzling question. It’s very difficult to kill the human body due to the fight/flight response. I know because on many occasions where I tried, my fight/flight kicked in and I made a call for help, much to my chagrin.  Prevention starts with seeking help but very few people in desperation will call for help before an attempt. They may call for help after or if they survive and don’t want to go through the survivor bullshit (the stomach pumping, hospitalization, stitching of wounds, etc).
Even therapists are fearful of suicide attempters or of the suicide talk. Most clinicians will actually pawn the client off to another therapist “more qualified” or outright refuse to see them. I have had this happen to me ten times while trying to find another therapist within a five mile radius of my house. 10 therapists!!!! TEN professionals refused to treat me because of my history of suicide attempts and current suicidal thinking. I could understand that they did not want to take me on as a multi-risk client and would have liked them to make at least one session with me before I lived up to their presumptions of me. But instead they decided to chuck me off to another therapist who referred me to another therapist who, well you get the picture. So for my therapy at the present time, I have to have phone therapy with someone who is thirty miles away from me because I do not have a car. She took a chance on me and we have been together for eleven years now. She stuck through the depths of my suicidal plans for the past eight years, my nerve condition, and my overall mental illness, which can at times include psychosis and delusions. I don’t know why she puts up with me but she does. Same could be said of her because she is the only therapist I ever had that talks more than I do. I have called her on it so many times that I lost count. Nothing like the analytical consultant I saw. He was strictly Freudian.