Category: suicide attempt

ramblings 4

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, mental illness, suicide, suicide attempt

My blog had quite a lot of views and comments yesterday which made me happy for a little while but I was in a deep funk and still am in a deep funk. I don’t know why but I should stop reading about suicidal stuff because it is giving me ideas. I know I already have them in my head but I keep thinking, if I am not suicidal, then should I kill myself? As the saying goes, you should NOT kill yourself when you ARE suicidal. Mostly that is because you are thinking irrationally. But if you have been thinking irrationally for so long, does it become rational at some point? That is where my thinking is heading. I tend to think about killing myself nearly every day. I have yet to act on it for various reasons. Usually it is an in the moment type of thing but lately I have been thinking of a plan and a date. I KNOW it is because of the time of year. Every late September/early October I get seriously depressed, more so than anything. Since 2005 I have planned my death every single year without fail. I don’t know what it is about this time of year that makes me want to kill myself. I know that baseball season is over and that saddens me to no end. I no longer see pitchers on the mound and balls and strikes being called. Right now it is Postseason but I know that baseball will truly end by mid-October. Around that time is when I always think of ending my life.

I don’t know why this time of year brings me to my knees. I just don’t feel like life is worth living anymore. It is a seasonal pattern but doesn’t fit the usual SAD (Season Affective Disorder) criteria (mostly because I have recurrent depression throughout the year anyways). If it did fit, I probably would not be so crazy this time of the year. I’d get a light box and be done with it. But this is something more. I call it the black dog as I show more signs of depression than at any other time of the year. I just feel so worthless and guilty that all I can do is think about my own demise. The physical symptoms I get is more psychological pain, lethargy, fatigue, loss of pleasure and loss of interest (also known as anhedonia), loss of appetite, crying for no reason, worthlessness, guilt, etc.

I don’t know what takes me out of the black dog. Sometimes it is just perseverance, sometimes it is just means extra support from my therapist and psychopharm. I also have the hospital when it gets too much to bear, but I only use that as the last resort. Some people would say that is not right but I have had over thirty hospitalizations over the past twenty years that I know when I need to be in and when I don’t.  Though there is some literature saying that the hospital is under-utilized for suicidal patients the same can be said that it is over utilized as most clinicians do not know how to treat suicidal clients. And that bothers the hell out of me because there is (going on my Jobes soapbox) there is an assessment form easy to use and is applicable to all modes of therapy called the Suicide Status Form (see Jobes, 2009). If more clinicians used this, there would be less hospitalization and suffering and possibly less suicides. Granted my therapist tries to use this during each suicidal crisis but I wave her off. Not because I am a hypocrite, but because it was my idea and not hers mostly. Could this save my life? Possibly but the thing that bothers me is that she only uses one piece of the form. If you are going to use the form, use the whole of it. It will make your notes easier and all you have to do is have each person sign it (it is a collaborative effort on both the client and clinician parts). I love this ingenious form but I hate it when it is not used properly. But then my therapist has known me for upteen years now so knows what information to get from me to get me away from my suicidal thinking. Another form that is NOT used at all that should is the psychache form by Richard Holden at Queen’s University in Canada. That I have used to monitor my psychache and even modified the form for my needs. Every journal I have has the psychache scale in it. I would reproduce it here but it’s not kosher and I don’t want to get in trouble with the web police for copyrighted information. Holden wrote the article in 2001 and it is printed in the Canadian Journal of Behavioural Science, 33(4), 224-232. I find Jobes and Holden to be the best suicidologists in the world because they have come up with assessments that are clinically useful and empirically validated.

I can see it now…

by Midnight Demon, posted in suicide attempt

The Red Sox have taken the lead and win the World Series…OOPS, wrong season wrong year. That is just a dream. The last game of the abysmal, heartbreaking, disappointing 2012 season will be played tonight, in the Bronx, against the mortal enemy, the New York Skankees. The Cowboys of 2003 are long gone. So are the Idiots of 2004. Sadly there is only one player of the former Red Sox Nation that is now a mortal enemy, Derek Lowe. Yes, Landsdowne Lowe is now in pinstripes. This 2012 season cannot get anymore depressing than that.

So go Orioles, BEAT those overpaid Bronx Bombers and win the World series against the Nationals. Least that is my dream for this year. The postseason will be interesting. The underdogs have risen above and will be playing the final games of the year. I will be depressed but always hopeful. As a faithful of Red Sox Nation, there is always next year.

this is just a blog

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, mental disorders, mental illness, suicide, suicide attempt

This is just a blog as I finally have some idea of what to write. This blogging every day has not been easy for me so I have learned to blog every other day or so just to keep things fresh. Most of my blogs deal with my severe depression and negative thinking. I cannot help what pops into head and what I write. My writing is my release from the everyday misery most people call life but I call hell.

Past few days I have been getting the itch to do something, anything, to try and get my leg swelling down. I have been in bed most of the day today but still the swelling has not gone down so I went out to get some cookies and some oatmeal because we didn’t have any in the house. I ordered lunch from Redbones, a southern place that makes good ribs. One rib was really fatty and disgusting so I let it be and ate the other less fatty ones. Though I usually enjoy their ribs, I found that today’s selection was not so great. I tried their fried Okra for the first time and it was tasteless. Twenty bucks down the drain. I should have tried to make the trip to Boston to get my bottle of Chianti and Pad Thai from the King and I restaurant. They have the BEST Pad Thai in this area.

Pain is bad in my ankle so I didn’t end up going farther than a block from my house. I still want my bottle of wine and Pad thai, maybe tomorrow.

I have had some good ideas on what to write for future blogs but I just can’t seem to get more than the ideas out on paper. For instance, I started writing about myself as Michael and that is where I ended. I could go no further than that. I guess because Michael means so much to me that I have a hard time expressing him. It is really personal to talk as Michael. Michael is my transgendered persona. I am a transgendered individual and I have been struggling a lot with this the past few years. It is getting more and more real as I try to think of what I want to be named. I hate my birth name but then I hate everything about me. From my face to my breasts all I can see is ugliness. I am ugly and no one can really tell me different no matter what they say.

Since I was little, I always preferred to be called “Mike”. It just sounded like a cool name. I would play pretend with my best childhood buddy. He would change his name to John and I would be Mike. I longed for the day when I could really be a “Mike”. It has been difficult the past few years because frankly I just rather kill myself than change. I remember watching a “Bones” episode of a transgendered female and though he had hormonally been a female, his bones still showed her to be a male. I find this very depressing. That I can go through the hormonal change and all but still have the bone structure of a female is haunting me to no end. I cannot change that no matter how hard I try. It fills me with a sadness that can be palpable. 

I have not discussed this beyond my blog and therapy sessions. It is so hard to talk about. Why am I putting it out on the world wide web? Because I am hoping that someone will read this and think “yup that is me” and understand what I am going through. It can be anonymous, I will never meet this person but at least they will know that they are not alone with this. I am trying to come to terms with it and have difficulty and knowing that transgendered persons are more likely to kill themselves are a big concern of mine because I can also be so suicidal when my identity is attacked. I still am around and I am sure others are also. I am sure they have attempted to kill themselves because they are tired of living a lie like I am. I feel crazy and sometimes like a freak because I know that I am a female but my head keeps telling me I am not. I can’t explain it more than that.

seriously want to know…

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, mental disorders, mental illness, suicide, suicide attempt

Seriously want to know why I take meds when it doesn’t seem to make a difference. I really believe suicidal thinking is more of a psychological think more than a biological thing, because shouldn’t I be better with meds than without? I have been on meds since I was sixteen. I have had many suicide attempts while on meds and while off meds, my most serious attempts being while ON. I am not saying that the medication that I take for my mood disorder made me suicidal. If that were the case, I think I would be dead by now. But seeing as I have been doing what the books tell you, to be in therapy and to have a medication regimen, shouldn’t I be LESS suicidal or at least a little bit more content with my life that I am not thinking of taking my life every day?

I have been on all the different psychotropic medications out there, from lithium to valproic acid, from Prozac to Zoloft, from remeron to cymbalta, all of the anti psychotics to deal with the nagging voices in my head that criticize me and tell me to kill myself. These voices sound like real voices to me and sometimes I have to be careful when others are around because they do think I am crazy when I have a conversation with myself. And I mean a full-fledged conversation with questions and answers. I don’t see my voices, just hear them. And a tiny pink pill called Abilify helps me to control them when they get too loud.  Nothing else works with less side effects. And side effects is what kept me going from med to med to what I take today which is a handful of pills a day. Not only do I take meds for my mental illness, I take it for my blood pressure, menstrual cycle, GERD, pain, spasms, anxiety/worry, and allergies. I long for the day when I was only taking one or two pills a day.

Life has become more complicated and so my has my suicidality. I thought that if I stayed in talk therapy, I would be better. I thought that if I took medication, my moods would be better and I would be able to function. But none of that is true for me. I have struggled with this illness for the past twenty years and no break has happened. I am constantly depressed, constantly suicidal. I just cannot be happy or if I am it is short lived. My one highlight of the day is my Starbucks trips. I get my latte or mocha and all is right with the world for a little while. I might write in my journal or just watch the traffic go by on the street or just take my coffee and head home, which is what I do most days. I just cannot be out for more than an hour. I become fatigued too quickly and then need to lie down. Plus if I stand long while waiting for the bus, my leg gets inflamed and then starts hurting me. I hate being in chronic physical pain almost as much as I hate being in chronic psychological pain.

Why do I still continue to take my meds despite not feeling 100% better? I know what my life is like while taking the meds versus when I don’t. it’s not pretty. I can barely get out of bed and do things on most days when I don’t take my meds. Taking my meds give me the hope I need to try and see the silver lining in some shape or form. If I didn’t believe that a tomorrow will be better than today, then I think I would have killed myself a long time ago and succeeded. I know I don’t have much to live for. I am hopeless most days. But I do the routine as frustrating as it can be some days. I know my psychiatrist has helped me more than anyone. She is my rock of hope when I no longer have one. When I went on a med hiatus, she is the one that got me back on the meds because my heart was so heavy I didn’t think I was going to make it.

There are some people in my life that I am still here for and I guess that is why I take my meds. I have to be here for my nieces and nephew. I don’t want to. I rather be six feet under pushing up daisies for an eternity. But not today. Today is a dreary day in Boston and I am just going to sit in bed and write this story about why I take my meds and maybe sleep some. I have nothing else to do today. It is my day to relax and put my feet up. I ran out of spoons on Tuesday and today is the day that I am trying to collect them back.