How many suicides do you want, and I say I don’t want any, but I want there to be the freedom to do it. I study suicide but I am not pro-suicide. I’m for suicide prevention. –Edwin Shneidman
Category: suicide
Quote of the day Oct 8th, 2015
“Never kill yourself while you are suicidal. You can, if you must, think about suicide as much as your wishes and let the thoughts of suicide –the possibility that you could do it- carry you through the dark night. Night after night. Day after day, until the thoughts of self-destruction runs its course and a fresh view of your own frustrated needs comes into clearer form in your mind and you can, at last, pursue the realistic aspects, however dire, of your natural life”. –Edwin Shneidman, Suicidal Mind, p166
just done
I didn’t sleep well last night so I have been tired most of the day. I didn’t want to have coffee because I thought I would go out. But I didn’t. I had therapy and was exhausted so I just took a nap.
My therapist was in a talkative mood today. It annoyed me. Not even half way through session, I spoke up because she was just started talking about how I should be an editor. WTF does that have to do with my depression or that today is my CES anniversary day? I got so pissed off. Then when she finally shut up, I didn’t talk the rest of the session and I didn’t care. I was done. I told her I didn’t want to talk to her the rest of next week and she pulled the brakes on that idea. Maybe meeting twice a week is too much. Maybe I just need once a week. I just know this isn’t working out. Then she says we need to meet in person. Yea, lovely idea. How when I don’t have a stupid car? Like meeting in person is going to solve the problem. I am just done with her and therapy. I almost cried while we were talking. I don’t know why I wanted to cry. But she didn’t have a clue or a sense that I was ready to cry. She never has a clue.
I wanted to kill myself in the worst way today but I just decided to sleep. My day will be coming soon enough. I am just so damn done. I am done being in pain and dealing with an airhead therapist. Sadly, I don’t think I can find another therapist in my area. Most that I have tried to see end the conversation soon as they find out I have a suicidal past. So screw that. No one new wants to help me so be it. I think after 11 times is enough searching anyway. Course, having to go through 13 therapists are enough. I should have stopped at ten and ended my life. Thing is, I am not really that depressed, yet I want to kill myself. I really don’t think you need to be depressed in order to try and kill yourself. People think this but it’s not clear. I mean there are a lot of people who suffer from depression. Not all want to end their life. Some do. Some don’t. And what separates those that do from those that don’t? No one really knows.
I’m just done. I don’t have anymore fighting left in me. I don’t have any hope that things are going to get better. Both my ankles are starting to hurt and I am scared something is wrong with my Achilles in my right foot. I can’t deal with anymore pain.
Push 2
Push
I have been in a Matchbox 20 mood for the past hour and this song keeps hitting every time it comes on. The lyrics just speak to me. I can’t describe it.
I was skimming the SPSM chat tonight. One of the tweeters tweeted an article that was for ESPN about a 19 year old that died by suicide and actually wrote how she died. I found the image disturbing and the article was a little glorifying the person’s death, which is why she had a problem with it. I couldn’t finish reading the article. After they said how she died and was struggling with college, I lost interest in what the rest of the article was about. All I could think about was my niece who is 19 and I am wondering if she is struggling with depression, too. She is at an expensive college and I wonder if that pressure is getting to her because she wants to live on her own. We have never talked about my illness but she knows that I struggle with depression and suicide as she has read my NY Times article. Least I think she knows. She is my protective factor. I am still around because I know my loss would devastate her.
Been looking at the new story that I wrote the other night. I don’t know if I should write more or type it up so I can see what it looks like. I know there is some repetition in it, so that has to come out. My fear is that I will type it up, it will be short, and I can’t continue to write. It will stop where ever it ended and that is it. The longer it sits on my bed, the longer it is hanging over my head. I was in a writing mood earlier but decided to check Twitter and got lost there. Damn you, Twitter!
When I placed my last grocery order, I ordered Red Baron’s deep dish pizza. I got Stouffer’s French bread instead. It’s comparable, but not the same. But I got a nice credit on my order so I was happy with that. If I had known I got Stouffer’s I would have given it back to the delivery guy, but he had already left. Pizza is my favorite food so I am not too disappointed. French bread is pretty good. I really would love to have Pizzeria Uno’s deep dish pizza. That I haven’t had in ages. I don’t even know where one is anymore. I know they sell it in the frozen food isle but mostly it’s pepperoni and I just want cheese. I am not one for toppings on my pizza. Plain old cheese is perfect. I will occasionally get pepperoni but it’s rare. If I order from Domino’s, it will be Hawaiian pizza on a cracker. That is my favorite. I haven’t had that pizza in a long time. I will get a Molten cake when I order it. It’s super yummy.
I texted my therapist to see if there was a way to see her tomorrow. Mondays are not her good days. But I am always hopeful she will have a cancellation. I wrote her a letter last night before I went to bed. I have no idea what I wrote. It was two pages long. I am debating making it a blog so she can read it or sending it to her via snail mail. I will have to get stamps as all I have are Harvey Milk ones and I am down to my last few. If I don’t talk with her tomorrow, I will have to wait till Tuesday. That will suck because I feel like talking with her about this weekend.
midnightdemons7 
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