another day of pain and sleepiness

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Another day of pain and sleepiness

I canceled my appointment with my psychiatrist this afternoon. I woke up and felt terrible. I didn’t want to do anything so I sent an email. I never heard back from her. I just sent another email as the therapist that I called on Monday called me back a little while ago. He can’t see me as he doesn’t have time in his schedule. He said he would call around and get back to me. I had a feeling it wasn’t going to work out.

I am feeling really tired and want to sleep. I might take my meds early again tonight. I just don’t feel like staying up. I wanted to shower but never did. I was going to order food but my mother made fish and I ate that instead. It’s the only thing that I have eaten all day. My appetite has been low. I haven’t felt much like eating the past few days.

In the email that I sent my psych, I asked her when I will be able to see her next as I don’t have an appointment right now. I hope she writes me back soon.

no motivation today at all

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

No motivation today at all

I woke up congested from allergies and my ankle was being a brat so I took my pain meds and a benedryl. When I woke up, I felt a little better. My mother just got home from shopping so I helped with some stuff. I put the freezer things away first and left the rest for my mother to put away. She is better at organizing the fridge than I am. I then went back up to my room to relax a bit.

I was playing on my phone when a call came in. There has been a lot of spoofing with Massachusetts numbers so I let it go to voicemail. About a minute later, I got a message. Checked and it was the therapist I called on Monday returning my call. He did have a few openings for new clients so he wants to talk to me. I called him back and left a message. The phone tag has begun. I hope it pans out. It would be great to talk with someone again. I just worry about the copay situation because I get paid once a month. I hope he is okay with that, if this pans out.

I tried to go back to sleep after I left a message and my ankle exploded. I became really hopeless. I debated on taking the strong pain pill and did. It helped ease the pain I was in but didn’t help my mood at all. The benedryl wore off so now I am back to being congested. I will take another pill before bed.

My mother noticed that I haven’t left the house in a couple of days. I don’t care. I am debating cancelling my appointment with my psychiatrist tomorrow. I really am in the funk of not wanting to leave the house. I think once I take a shower, I will feel better. I haven’t taken on all week. I keep saying I will take one today but I never do. Tomorrow I have to because I have to see my psychiatrist. If I do see her, maybe I will reward myself with some Thai food. I haven’t had it in a long time.

Waking up in the middle of the night really messed things up for me. I never reheated my pancakes. I just had a bowl of cereal and my mother made spaghetti and meatballs for supper. That’s good because I wanted to order food. I haven’t made coffee in a few days. I just don’t feel like having it. I really feel like I could sleep right now. I am just so tired and I haven’t done anything all day. It has to be the depression making me feel this way. I hate when I have depressions like this. It just sucks and makes me feel completely hopeless about things. I emailed my psychiatrist about feeling this way. I haven’t heard back from her. I am going to ask her for her permission to end my life. I know it sounds stupid and I know that the answer will be no, but I really want to hear her tell me that. I value her opinion on these matters. I just have my voices and myself telling me to end things so it will be good to have her say things opposite to what I am thinking. If that makes sense.

very early morning ramble

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Very early morning ramble

I woke up around 0230 because I had to pee and now I am find it difficult to go back to sleep. So I thought I would write for a bit as that usually calms me down. I was having a weird dream about working in the lab before I woke up. Something to do with pipettes and not finding the right ones. It made sense in the dream. Now it doesn’t. I do miss being in the lab. It was a stressful job but an important one that I took seriously. Most importantly, I miss my coworkers, even though they drove me nuts some nights. And because I was considered a “senior”, I got to deal with the problems in the shift. Usually that meant the 2300 call from a sample at 2000 that was mismatched and had to be deleted. Hated getting those calls. I never left work at the time I was supposed to because I was off chasing down samples and filling out paperwork.

I’m kind of hungry as I didn’t really eat much yesterday. But it’s too early to make anything. I still have one pancake left over from the other day. I might have that later. Just pop it in the toaster to heat it up. I don’t like putting pancakes in the microwave because I think they come out rubbery and then they turn hard when they get cold again. My next grocery order, I need to order more oatmeal as my mother has used it. She likes making oatmeal, plain. I have to have fruit or something in it to eat it. I like making oatmeal pancakes because they are hearty and fill me up. If I am really in the mood, I will make oatmeal cookies. But that hasn’t happened in a while. I love cookies but I don’t like making them. It’s a pain to clean up afterwards.

I’m going to need coffee when I get up later. I am going to make my Pike coffee. I am running low on my Casi Ceilo and they don’t seem to be selling it anymore. I meant to buy another bag but I never did. I still need to try the Guatemalan coffee they have out right now. I keep saying I am going to try and it and then I just order my espresso. If I go out today, I will order it. I won’t know if I like it if I never try it.

My ankle is minimal right now. I took some pain meds to keep it that way. Last night, I had to take a strong pain pill to quiet it down. I was just in so much pain that it hurt just to look at my foot. It’s better now but I don’t want it to start acting up again when I lie down again. That would not be good. Ativan is working so I think I will go back to sleep. Wish me luck.

Slept most of the day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder

I woke up with my ankle hurting and no motivation to do anything. I pretty much stayed in bed all day, getting up only to eat or use the bathroom.

Despite staying in bed, my ankle still hurts. I’m feeling discouraged and really depressed. I don’t know what to do anymore. I can do less and I hurt. More and I hurt. Just doesn’t make any friggen sense.

I never called the 2nd therapist.on my list. I just couldn’t bring myself to call people today. For some reason, my teeth hurt, like all of them. I’ve been congested most of the day so I think it’s because of my sinuses. I’m just not having a good day.