Tag: anxiety

Therapy problems

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Therapy problems

For most of the week I have been racking my brain to come up with something for therapy tomorrow. I thought these frustrated needs would be something to try, but the words are cumbersome and don’t give away their meaning by looking at it. You have to look it up, least I do to see what the hell I am talking about. And if I don’t know the meanings/understandings of these words, how is my therapist supposed to? I am just frustrated. I have been up since 0600 and I only got a few hours sleep last night so I think I am becoming hypomanic again. I don’t think the mood stabilizer is holding me anymore. I know I should be taking the morning dose but it makes me fucking sleepy. The night time dose keeps me awake and it’s the same medication, same milligrams, everything!! I don’t get it. Maybe taking 1200 mg at night is warranted rather than splitting it. I see my pdoc on Friday so will talk about it with her.

I am really pissed that I haven’t worked out this treatment plan. I was working on it earlier but my pen ran out of ink. Then I started working at home. I got the lists of the modal and vital needs. But the meaning of the words are lost on me. Some of them are straightforward, like validation and affiliation. But words like inviolacy and shame-avoidance need to be looked up. I will get it, it’s just a matter of memorizing and getting used to the terms. But I am tired and my brain is shot from having an anxiety attack mixed with the physical symptoms of depression. I felt like I had a weight on my chest and couldn’t breathe. Then my heart rate shot up because my pain did and I was a cooked goose. Trapped in my own skin, I couldn’t stand it. It took two hours for the Ativan to work and then when the pressure was off my chest, I was still shaky so took another one. I just had a big lunch so being low on blood sugar wasn’t the issue. I haven’t had dinner and really don’t feel like eating. I was thinking of making some eggs but I just don’t feel like cooking. Less calories after the big lunch I had.

I hate when pain causes me anxiety. Just thinking about it is giving me flashbacks. It was awful. The pain came out of no where in my foot. Next thing I know, I feel like this constriction and my heart feels like it was palpitating. I checked my BP and it was normal, as well as my pulse rate. The machine does both. But the heaviness in my chest was worse than the palpitations. I didn’t take my morning BP meds. I forgot as I left the house so early. I still haven’t taken my night meds yet. I am kind of afraid to as I could become more hyper and not sleep until the early morning hours.

I just hope my therapist isn’t upset with me that I didn’t get a treatment plan done. Shneidman has been giving me ideas, but they are complicated. Nothing is simple with this guy. He is a very verbose guy and uses old time language, meaning words that aren’t in every day usage. I frequently need a dictionary near me when reading his books because there will be a word I don’t understand. Course the same is true when I am reading “Dead Wake”. I mean, who uses a valise anymore?

I will get this blog done. It’s just going to take some time because it is a challenge. I just wish I didn’t hold it so close to my heart.

Nervous Sunday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I have been feeling very nervous as the days gets closer to my publication date. All the doubts that I have had about my book are running through my head. Only difference is that I am not the one in control of the publication. Whether I am nervous or doubtful about this, it is going to be published anyways. I can’t stop it if only because the editor in charge is on vacation next week. Not that I truly want it to stop. I just want this nervousness to go away! I have fears that it won’t be well received, that I will be criticized, that people will just be nasty about it. I know in reality that the Times doesn’t publish garbage, so I have that going for me. I just wish I could chill. The next 40 hours or so are going to be nerve racking. I am trying to distract with a baseball game but then I check Facebook and someone likes my post I made about this, sending the nerves back up. I wish this thing wasn’t going to be published at 0330. It is going to mess up my sleep. But then, my sleep is already messed up. I woke up around 0300 today. I had a late lunch and now I just want to sleep. But the game is on and my nerves are shot so I unless I take some Ativan, I doubt I would sleep.

I wish I was working on something, like my book or even reading a book, but haven’t been able to do either. I am still waiting for my “writing itch” to come back so I can work on my book. But as far as reading, I am just too nervous and distracted to concentrate. I haven’t touched Harry Potter in over a week now. I think I might have to read something else until I get bored with that. It’s not that I don’t have plenty to choose from. I have my bipolar book, suicidology, Gaiman’s books. I’ve become a real Neil Gaiman fan. I love his style of writing. I bought his book he wrote earlier this year, “Trigger Warning”. I did start “American Gods”, but haven’t gone back because I got into reading Harry. I also have Dostoevsky’s works. Plenty to choose from, but the focus is just not there. Plus, I am a little indecisive where to go, if I am not going to finish “Order of the Phoenix” (Harry Potter).

I also need to change my sheets but I really need to clear my “office” side of the bed. I have my journals and books, some clothes, baseball hats, etc. on one side of my bed. I just sleep on one side and I usually stay in one position most of the night. I am not one to go all over the bed. But since hurting my hip the other night while vacuuming, I haven’t been able to stand more than three minutes to do anything. I changed my toner on my printer and even that caused me pain. I don’t know what to do to ease this ache. It always flares when I am walking or standing too long. I really wanted to bake today but since I am in pain, that isn’t possible. I really want to make pumpkin cupcakes. It will be all mine as I am the only one that likes pumpkin anything. I will try to make them tomorrow. Maybe baking will give the release I need to take my mind off things.

I just realized I haven’t listened to music of any kind in like a day and a half. Maybe some music will calm me down some or at least distract me. Sox have this game, unless the bullpen comes apart, which is always a possibility.

Pain and Anxiety

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, depression

Pain and Anxiety

Last night, I took my normal pain pills around 2200. At midnight, the pain got worse. My heart rate shot up and I became nervous, again. I had already taken my night meds at the same time I took my pain meds. It was too early for me to take my normal pills so I had to take a stronger pill. It took another hour for the pain to fade enough for me to sleep. I also took an Ativan to calm down. I spoke to my doc about this and she said the anxiety is the body’s response to not liking pain. Great. Now I have to deal with anxiety on top of my other problems. I don’t like being anxious or nervous. It really irritates me and makes me feel unsafe, like something terrible is going to happen. I have to mentally play with ideas of it just being a physiological reaction, that I am okay, even though I don’t feel that way. It’s very hard to mentalize when your heart is pounding like you ran several blocks. I don’t become out of breath but my breathing speeds up. I have to take deep breaths to calm down, or try to. It’s very difficult to do. And it also makes me feel helpless because other than taking drugs to stop the pain and anxiety, there is nothing I can do. I am not hyperventilating so breathing into a paper bag won’t help me. Music helps to a degree but not all the time. After a while, it just becomes background noise.

I have not been trained in any capacity to deal with anxiety. I don’t know how to deal with it other than take medication. But even then, I have to wait a half hour or more for it to work. In the meantime, I am very nervous, in terrible pain, and keep wondering what to do. I can’t walk because the pain is too intense in my foot, so pacing is out of the question. I usually just have grin and bear it. I don’t like doing this. It just messes with my head. And then I become agitated, which does me no favors. Last night, I tried to read. It didn’t work so I tried writing in my journal. If I could have done something physical, I would have but writing is the only thing that usually works when I am anxious. It is my go to whenever things are going wrong, or are perceived to be.

All this bullshit could be avoided if I didn’t have this pain syndrome. I didn’t do too much yesterday so I don’t know why my foot decided to explode at midnight. I had been resting for hours, but I got hungry and went downstairs to have something to eat. When I came back up stairs and propped my foot up, I got hit with the pain wave. Other than amputation, I don’t think there is anything I could have done to avoid it. I just don’t understand why because I had taken my normal pain meds two hours before hand and that should have avoided a 10+ pain flare. But that is the thing with pain syndromes. You never know when they are going to spike.

I need to pick up my niece later. I plan on ordering pizza before I pick her up. This way, the pizza is a little cooled off before gobbling it up. The last time I had pizza with my niece, she ate half a box! It was crazy but she was hungry. She ate all of it too, crust and all. She is too funny but is still growing like a weed. I just hope that walking to her school doesn’t aggravate my foot more than it already is. I really don’t want a repeat of last night. I have my appointment with my psych tomorrow so I really don’t want to be really drugged up or sleep deprived when I see her. It’s in the afternoon so I should be awake enough when I see her, but sometimes after a bad night of pain, I am not in a good mood the next day. Only day that I don’t have something planned is Saturday. I can rest all day then. I still need to finish my editing, which includes proofing what I have written and then putting those edits in the word doc. I have stuff to take out too, as one of my stories is listed twice, but under a different name. Don’t know how that happened.

So pain and anxiety is not a good thing for me, or anyone, really. Pain causes the anxiety and I don’t like it one bit. It makes me feel helpless. My therapist is on vacation for the next two weeks. I am to write her a letter and text her while she is away. She also wants me to send them to her so when she is back, they will be in her office. We talked about the anxiety part but really didn’t talk about what to do with it. She just wants me to take an Ativan. I am just afraid that I will become addicted to it, which is why I am so hesitant to even take the pill. But I guess, I need it so my heart rate slows down and calms my nervous agitation that doesn’t do me any good. I swear the pain is like drinking five cups of coffee the way it makes me feel. I just wish I had more control over it but I don’t and that is what is so frustrating! I hate not being in control. Pain takes that away from you and then your heart rate soars up and makes you feel even worse. So you are battling the demons in your head, the pain in your foot and the nervousness of it all because it’s a physiological response. How the hell do you combat it?? I guess I am going to have to research what to do about anxiety, an unknown entity to me. I never was an anxious person until pain entered my life. It doesn’t happen ALL the time but when it does, holy hell! I am noticing it more with each pain flare up. I really wish I had better control of my pain, like if I had a warning before the pain would flare, that would be awesome. But I don’t. It’s one minute low level pain and the next high level pain. Sometimes it is because I moved my ankle, either flexed it or moved my big toe. That is all it takes to set the pain off in my foot and/or ankle. It just sucks not knowing when to expect severe pain. It’s the million dollar question that no one can answer. And I am not okay with it, not one bit!

Into the Sauna

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Into the Sauna

It’s wicked hot and humid. I think it’s more humid than hot! The temp is only in the low 80s but it feels like it is 100. I went to the bank and got coffee. Then I went to Anna’s Taqueria to get a burrito. I like Chipotle’s better. The tortilla was not very flavorful, the meat was bland, and the guac had too much lime or lemon juice. I really didn’t like it as much as I was hoping to. It was the first time and last time I will be getting food there, even if they are cheaper than Chipotle’s. After that, I did a few errands and then waited in the hottest bus stop for the bus. If it was 100 outside, inside this waiting area was at least 120. It was pitiful. I was soaked by the time the bus came. I came home, dropped everything, and then took a much needed cold shower. It felt really good. My ankle doesn’t like me much right now. And I had emailed my doc about the pain giving me anxiety. Turns out, the body doesn’t like pain and so will shoot up the heart rate. I hate the anxiety more than I hate pain right now. I hate feeling nervous all the time, like I drank five cups of coffee kind of nervous. I just took a pain pill because I need to get the pain under control again.

We talked a lot about my pain in therapy today. My therapist had a better explanation than my psychiatrist, which I didn’t believe until my psych emailed me back. I didn’t think we were ever going to talk about anything else, but we did, thankfully. After fifteen minutes, I felt like talking about pain and anxiety was enough. I wish the session ended there but it didn’t. I still had another 35 minutes to kill. I had texted my therapist about the NYT’s opinion piece. She was curious as to how I did it and of course, why. I told her it was on a whim but I felt I had nothing to lose by submitting it. She was excited for me. I haven’t heard anything back from them. I don’t really expect a response. I will try emailing them again next week and see if that has any pull. Maybe if I bug them enough, it will get published? I don’t really want to do that but I will. I have taken the blog down so there is no copyright issue, if there is one.

I have been voting crazy for Xander Boegarts, our shortstop for the Sox. We are trying to get him voted in by Friday. It doesn’t look good as he is in fifth place. I have been texting and web voting using two accounts. One for my laptop and the other on my phone. So if you are a Sox fan VOTE for X! He needs help going to his first All Star Game. He deserves to go. He would be the youngest player for the Sox since 1946! That was a long time ago.

My therapist asked me about my psychache. I honestly don’t feel psychological pain. I am in too much physical pain to really feel anything else. And the anxiety that goes with it, well, that just drives up my agitation levels. Agitation and suicidality doesn’t mix too well. I do have Ativan to calm me down. I just wish I didn’t have to use it. I don’t know why suddenly I am having more anxiety with my pain, or vice versa. Granted it is when my pain jumps from a 3 to a 10 that I am in real agony and really anxious. My therapist wasn’t too much of a help in dealing with the anxiety. She was concerned and worried to be of help and I hate when she gets that way. Because what the hell am I seeing her for if she isn’t helpful?? Mentally, I can be calm and know it’s a physiological response, but that doesn’t help bring down my heart rate. It’s like telling someone with a panic attack to calm down. Not helpful! I have tried the deep breathing but I must be doing it wrong because after a while, I get lightheaded. I should buy a pulse ox machine to monitor my heart rate during the anxiety. Which also reminds me, I need to replace my blood pressure machine. Something is wrong with the inflator tube and it keeps giving me error messages. It’s more than five years old so it does need to be replaced. I have had hypertension (high blood pressure) since 2008. It was discovered during a psych admission. I had spent a week in the hospital and my bp was dangerously high. So high, that it prevented me from being discharged because they were afraid I would stroke out. I had to stay a few extra days to get on blood pressure meds to get stabilized. It sucked! But better safer than sorry.

I seriously need to find a hobby. I need something to occupy myself now that my game is gone. I have tried finding other games but it’s just not as fun. I know Pioneer Trail was annoying at times, but it helped pass the time away and it was a good distraction. I now have three Facebook accounts that I don’t use anymore. I haven’t deactivated them because I might need to use them for Farmville or a new game called Household. In the meantime, I am buying more and more books, either Kindle or paperbacks. I even downloaded the Kindle app on my phone so I can have my books with me. I really need to clear my “currently reading” list from Goodreads. I have six books there. One of them is “Uncle Tom’s Cabin”. I kind of got really sad when my favorite character died and I haven’t been able to get back into the book. I am at 75% read, so I just want to finish it. It is a good book, though the dialogue is kind of hard to understand because the author injected the old southern accent into it, especially when the slaves “talk”. I think that will be my summer goal. I can finish it by end of July. Then I can start on the new book I just bought that is written my Neil Gaiman.