Tag: anxiety

anxiety and buses don’t mix

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression

I had therapy today. Seems there isn’t a day when I don’t have therapy. I asked my therapist if she thought I should be in the hospital but seeing as I haven’t had a split episode in the last few days, there might not be a need. I don’t know what else we talked about. Seem to cover the whole weekend and what my pdoc said about the splits. I hope that I don’t become Mr. Hyde again. Those bouts are really painful emotionally to go through. I still have the letter to Jobes. I am debating sending it to him but deleting the part where I tell him I am ending my life. Right now I am not feeling it. I hate when I feel it and then I don’t. These suicidal feeling really don’t last too long but I still am wondering if I am letting myself down by continuing to live. I had a pain flare up after I changed my bedding and after I took a shower today. I just feel like my life would be better off if I were dead. But I have my writing and people in my life that need me. Not to mention my readers on my blog.

I just passed the 10,000 mark for viewership. Ten thousand people read my blog. I feel so honored. When I woke up this morning I got the last 7 views to make 10k. Turns out there was someone in Turkey that read my blog and I thank that person.

I am still feeling down. I have a new project that I am working on. I am going to write another paper about CES, Cauda Equina Syndrome. I have the idea for it where it answers people’s questions about recovery and such. I wish my CES 101 paper got some hits when they view it and I am not sure why it doesn’t get a hit. But then I read it and found that it has no intro so I will work on that later today.

I had an anxiety attack today while on the bus. I took the 15:13 bus, which I have avoided to take because of a certain mentally disabled passenger that annoys me. Today was wicked muggy and I didn’t feel like waiting for the next bus at 15:42 so caught the earlier bus. I wish I didn’t. When we got to Magoun Square, a bus load of kids got on. I don’t know which one of us flipped out first, the mentally challenged guy or me. Well not really flipped, but panicked. Then a lady with a two year old in a stroller got on and blocked the entrance way. That is when I had to get off the bus. I was having such anxiety it wasn’t funny. I haven’t had anxiety like that in such a long time. I had to stand near the rear exit and prayed the bus driver didn’t miss my stop like he has in the past. I will never take that time bus again. I just can’t stand the anxiety this guy makes me feel. I have seen him flip out and with my PTSD, I just get really nervous. I have been in situations while inpatient where you can see guys like him flip out because you invade their personal space or just walk by him and accidently touch him. It was one of those situations. And today he looked like he was out of sorts already. It just makes me really uncomfortable. I still am shaking just writing about it.

school worries

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, mental disorders, mental illness, mood disorders, psychache, psychosis

Just got the notice that my state refund was redirected to the state university towards the money I owe. Now with the close to $900 I will pay off the entirety of what I owe and be free to hopefully enter class in the summer. Though I am a long way from actually going there right now. I just learned I got to get readmitted and it has to go through a review process. I know my transcripts hasn’t been great at the school, but working two jobs and going to school was tough. I was lucky to get a B or even a C. Though I have more W’s than I do actual grades. I also have a couple of incompletes that are now F’s so I know my GPA sucks right now. I feel really rotten as it is and summer is a long time away from now. I have until the middle of April to sign up for this class I want to take. I really, really want to take this class. It is the history of psychology and is only offered over the summer. It is a summer long course and is upper level. I will have my work cut out for me because it will also be my first online course. I’m now starting to chicken out. Plus it really won’t matter if I go through with my plans for the end of the week.

The typical worries I have is what if I don’t get accepted back? What am I going to do? I really want to go back to this university as it will suck to start over somewhere else. I know the professors in the psych department so know what it’s like. I won’t have that advantage at another school. Plus I can take my time this go round because I won’t be bothered with the demands of work. The hard part is going to be paying for it as loans are out of the question. I’ll have to save some money every month and be on a strict budget to go back.

The whole process is kind of freaking me out. If I don’t get accepted I have to go to another school. If I survive this week and don’t do what I want to do. Maybe school is too soon after this mental breakdown I have been experiencing. But then, the reason I left school was because I had a breakdown. I just couldn’t handle school and work and became psychotic. But now I will just have school to focus on. Maybe I will excel maybe I will just be as overwhelmed and it won’t happen like I plan. Nothing happens like I plan it to go. I will be a fool to say that everything goes right for me but it doesn’t.

Farkle and buses

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, mental disorders, mental illness, mood disorders, physical pain, psychache, psychosis, writing

Nothing interesting going on today. I went to see my therapist and psychiatrist. My therapist and I talked about my current delusion/paranoia: the 6 die and the crowding on the bus. I play a game called Farkle and it is a dice game that is played on my phone or computer. Don’t really know the object of the game other than to collect as many points without Farkling, which is when you don’t get the one or five die. Lately my delusion has been focused on the 6 die thinking it just wants to kill my game. I become paranoid every time I get a 6 thinking game over. But usually that is not the case. Irrational I know but when you are delusional, you can’t be rational.

The crowding on the bus situation is my true paranoia. I HATE it when people start crowding up the entrance doors and I literally begin to panic and have anxiety. I just get so paranoid that these people that are standing are going to go flying because the bus had to come to a sudden stop or some jerk cuts the bus off. The worse is when strollers get on the bus and take up seating for people. One time there were three strollers and they weren’t the small kind. I am talking about the heavy duty ass big wheelers that take up 3 adults just to fit a small tyke that swallows it whole. DRIVES ME NUTS. It blocks the aisle where people want to get off or on and then I am left usually without a seat at my designated disability seat because these mini cars are now in my way. I will not go out because of this paranoia some days. I just can’t stand to see the aisle clogged up with people or strollers. It just makes me really anxious.

Because I spent a good time out today, my ankle is really sore. I am finding that even the smallest of activities have flared it up. The pain is bone crushing. This is the lateral malleolus or the bone that sticks out at your ankle. The pain is so intense, especially when I stand. I know all the more reason that I should lose weight but when you can’t fricken walk right, all you can do is restrict your caloric intake and that is difficult to do. I have been trying for weeks to stick to a diet but I have been failing completely. I just can’t help it. I like to eat. I have been trying to control the cravings but it is so difficult. If I want Chinese, I’ll have it. If I want pizza, I order it (I like plain cheese so it’s not too bad). Today I thought about Thai food but decided against it as after my appt with my psychiatrist I just wanted to go home. I thought about making manwich. I haven’t had that in sooo long. So tomorrow I will make that. I bought the lean meat. Only problem is that I am the only one that likes it. I usually end up eating it all. Another item of food I cannot resist. It is just sooo good!!