Tag: bipolar disorder

another day filled with pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Another day filled with pain

I didn’t sleep well last night. I was waking up every 2 hours. I wanted to help my mother with doing something around the house and then go to Starbucks but dammit, I couldn’t get my motor started for nothing. Then I figured I would help and make coffee. That didn’t work either. I stayed in bed the whole day. Meanwhile, my foot has been throbbing like a SOB.

I am really pissed at myself for not getting up. It’s been like this all week. I think I am depressed as I have no motivation to do anything. I really wanted to go into town and see where the building was for the CBT therapist I see on Monday. Now it will have to be Monday when I check the place out. Least they have a Starbucks at the corner I can get my espresso as I won’t be going by the Square.

My mother was disappointed in me because I didn’t help her. I feel bad. She made dinner and I really didn’t like it. It was tilapia and a baked potato. I didn’t like the fish. It tasted funny. I only had half a potato and then retreated back to my room. All I ate today was Oreos and milk. That was my breakfast. Then I went off into dreamland.

Next week when I see my psych, I am going to ask if I can increase the Zoloft. I think I need a minor adjustment. I have been on the same dose for a while now and I just keep slipping off the edge more than I was before. I know it’s not going to help my pain or suicidality but it might help the other stuff. If it helps me feel a little better, maybe I can get things done. I made a real mess in my room when I went into my alcove to get my spare desk lamp. Just looking at it makes me sick. But I don’t have the energy to clean it because I just get so overwhelmed. I still need to move stuff away from my window so my brother in law can remove the AC. I’d do it today but it’s really windy and kind of rainy so I need to wait for it to be a better day. Maybe the weekend will be better.

I need to call my aunt to wish her a happy birthday. I am kind of nervous about it because I haven’t talked to her since my father passed away, and it wasn’t a good experience. She was crying really bad and it was hard for her to talk because of the Parkinson’s. I will never forget the noises she was making. It was awful.

I have been thinking about my father’s side of the family all week, well, least in my dreams, literally. Nearly every time I dream, I dreamt about my cousins or aunt or my father. I guess I miss them very much. I wish I was able to go to my cousin’s birthday party last Saturday. But I was in pain and it was not a good idea for me to be driving, especially as I really never been to the place before.

I don’t know if it’s the stupid time difference or what, but every night around 1730, I just want to take my night meds and go to sleep. It’s way too early for me to be taking my meds at that hour. Last night I took it a little past 1900, which is early for me. I couldn’t help it. I have been so tired lately. I know part of it is because I haven’t been on a sleeping schedule of any sort all week and pain has been fucking things up. I just hate it when I sleep all day and up all night deal.

I’m really fed up with being in pain every single bloody day. I just can’t cope anymore. I don’t have any reserves left. And I can’t help thinking that I should have killed myself last week when I had the fucking chance. It was a low pain day and I could have possibly walked to my destination. I’ll never forgive myself for not going through with it. I am so mad.

lost track of crappy days

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Lost track of crappy days

I had a good sleep but I still woke up in pain. I really wanted to shower and go to Starbucks but that wasn’t happening. So I took some pain meds and went back to sleep, hoping I didn’t sleep all day. I woke up around 1 and was really hungry. I really haven’t eaten much all week except for little meals here and there. I had taken my sauce out of the freezer and decided to make pasta for it. OMG it was the best thing I ate all week. I had two full bowls of pasta. My stomach isn’t too happy with me as I am so full but it’s a happy full, which makes me happy.

After I had my breakfast and lunch, I decided to take a shower. I was really hot and needed one. Besides, my hair was doing it’s own thing and was really itchy from using gel the other day so I really needed a shower. I took one without any problems and then went upstairs to my room. I started to get sleepy but I had to do an errand for my mother I have been neglecting all week. I paged my psychiatrist as she wanted me to check in. I waited but she never called so I left for the store.

I still haven’t heard back from my psych, but last night she didn’t get back to me until 2200. I hope I don’t have to wait that long today but I could. I am feeling pretty crappy now that I did all that I did. My ankle is “thanking” me so I still don’t know when I am going to brush my teeth. That is the only thing left on my “to do” list. I wanted to edit my book but it’s too late to go to Starbucks now. I will go tomorrow. I really need to get this done. The easy part is correcting shit. The hard part is inputting the info back into the word doc. I hope there are no more formatting errors. Those just give me wicked anxiety.

When I came back from the store, I decided to cut my toenails. My foot really hates me now. I am feeling really depressed that I got all this stuff done but I am still in a lot of pain. I am tempted to ask my psychiatrist for a lethal dose of tricyclics but I know that will not diminish her concern for me and my safety. I just don’t want to live anymore. It’s getting harder and harder to go things and then I pay. It just makes me want to give up and not even try. But stuff like showering and grooming needs to be done. I can’t let my toenails keep growing, that will just cause more problems. I am just glad I don’t have to do it every day or every other day like showering.

Dammit, tomorrow is my aunt’s birthday and I forgot to mail her card. Tuesday is also my sister’s birthday and I need to get her a card as well. Birthday month. I hate it sometimes. I wish I could afford to send my aunt flowers but I can’t. this sucks having just one paycheck a month.

My psych just called me to check in. I think she is okay with me keeping in touch rather than paging her every day. We have an appointment next Friday so that will be good. I told her all I did and how it tired me out. She wants me to take it easy.

evening report

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Evening Report

After my post this morning, I slept until my damn mother wanted to know my where abouts, like I am a child, not a full grown adult. I asked her what she wanted and she plainly stated she just “wanted to know where I was”. She was going to ask why I was still in bed but I cut her off. I am in still in pain, and have taken another pain med. I only took 1 pill because I am waiting for my psychiatrist to call me back and I don’t want to be drugged up, so to speak. I wish she would get back to me as I really want to lie down and sleep.

There was a huge backlash to writing to my friend this morning. Nearly every close childhood friend came at me. I couldn’t believe it. I just ignored them, for now. Then I found out eight trans kids killed themselves across the country. A friend I follow on Facebook wrote this as she has a transgender son. They supposedly killed themselves because they were afraid of what is to come. Even the transline, a hotline for trans people were overloaded today with questions and concerns. I started crying when I found out about this because it affects me so personally. The whole LGBT community is nervous about what is to come. I am too. I texted my therapist that I was going back to the closet if she needs me.

Last night as election results were gaining support for Trump, the Canadian website for immigration went down. It crashed because so many people were hitting it. My friend in Canada who works with immigration said she had over 300 emails and 59 voicemails to sort through this morning. I am sure it is going to get worse as time goes on.

For the first time, I am depressed over outside influences, aka the election. I try not to internalize these things because they change all the fricken time but this time, I am fearful and really down. I should have tried to end my life last week. That has been all I have been thinking about the past few days. I should be dead or on life support or something. I shouldn’t be here.

Aftermath of the Election

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Aftermath of the Election

I woke up early this morning to use the bathroom and then I checked Facebook to see who won the election. To my horror, the bigot won. Then one of my childhood friends was very happy about it. I sent him a message saying that he was basically homophobic and racist and then I deleted him from being my “friend”. I don’t regret having done this.

I am worried what the next four years are going to entail. I wonder how suicide prevention is going to work now that we don’t have a democrat in the office and the whole senate and congress is republican now. More closely, I worry about how the LBGT community is going be over the next four years. I am really hoping that this misogynist gets arrested or impeached within the first six months of office, before he can do real damage to this country. That’s not to say that in six months time damage might already have occurred but it might be fixable.

I fear those that have Obamacare right now because I think that is going to be the first thing to go in this dictatorship. Healthcare will now become a joke. But Colorado now has assisted suicide so maybe there will be an influx of people moving there to end their suffering. My state has passed a law that legalizes the use of recreational MJ. Now I fear that every Zipcar I reserve will be filled with that god awful smell.

These are my thoughts that I have this morning and I am sure there will be others. I’m going back to bed because my ankle is screaming at me and my pain meds are making me tired.