Tag: bipolar disorder

something about grief and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Something about grief and other things

I have been trying to write for the past three hours and I am failing. I am so overwhelmed with grief that I don’t know what to say. I had therapy today. It went okay. We talked about how Thursdays are tough for me because I had a routine. Now I don’t have it anymore and I don’t know what to do with myself. It’s like I lost something and I can’t get it back. I have been feeling numb the past few hours because I just don’t know what to say. My mind is kind of blank.

My back is a little better today. I was able to stand up straight for the first time in the last five days. It still hurts but I am moving around better because the temps have leveled off. It was starting to get me depressed because I couldn’t move. I have been resting for most of the day. It has helped.

Yesterday, I got an update message on my phone. It needs to update the system software. The last time I allowed it to happen, it wiped out my music playlists. I just got some of them back to where I had them before they were wiped out. I don’t want to recreate them because it’s a pain in the ass. The artist only playlists are easy to restore but the others are a little more tricky. I have to go into the individual artists albums to pick the songs I like and then add them to the playlist. It just takes a lot of time and patience because if you accidently play the song, you have to start all over again.

I am almost done reading “Risk Management with Suicidal Patients”. I have a chapter and a half to read. I don’t know if it is going to be tonight that I will finish it. I am pretty wiped out from all the pain meds I took today for my back pain. I have been taking them consistently every 4-5 hours to deal with the pain. I think that is the other reason I am having trouble writing today. My cognition just isn’t there.

I was talking to a friend today about emotional pain. She can be a little self-righteous and that pisses me off. I usually don’t respond to her texts when she gets that way. Then today she called my therapist a “transgender” therapist and I really got angry for some reason. My therapist isn’t a specialized therapist but I felt that if I set her straight, I was just going to say something I shouldn’t so I just let it go. She started off the conversation with asking about Hyde. I don’t know if I should continue to talk to her. Sometimes she just doesn’t make sense.

I think tomorrow I am going to type up what I wrote in the hospital. I really don’t want it to be all on paper because if I continue to write and finish the story, the harder it’s going to be to type it up anyways. This is all if I am feeling up to it. My therapist says it will be good to talk about it and write it. She asked how much more I have to write and I told her I am in just in the first hour of him being home. I haven’t written about the part where he hears his stupid clock. What I can’t remember is what time the hospice nurse left. It was like she left, my sister came back to the apartment with diapers and food, we ate, and then he died. I don’t know why this detail is important to me. Maybe I feel like if she was there he wouldn’t have died? Or maybe she would have been there and then we would have had a more concrete time of death. These are the things that I keep going over and over in my head.

Monday I will be getting the stuff I ordered from Amazon. It seems like I ordered them weeks ago and now they are finally being shipped. I bought a food processor because there is this cranberry relish I want to make. Of all the gadgets my mother has in the kitchen, she doesn’t own a food processor. I need to get a new can opener because the one she has sucks really bad. We had a good one but it broke. I loved it because it was the first electric can opener I could use without fail. Now we have a cheap one and I can’t get it to work at all. I am also going to get a hand one just as a back up.

Can’t Stand Being in Pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Can’t stand being in pain

I went downstairs for a little snack and nearly fell when I pivoted on my “good” foot. That nearly threw my back out on me, which was already killing me. I still cannot stand up straight without severe pain and spasms. I have been trying to rest but it hasn’t been easy. I have a pillow that is made for sitting on the bed to read and it is helping to straighten out my back some so I can read a little more comfortably. I read another chapter in the “Risk management with suicidal patients”. I have a chapter and a half left and then I will be done. I am proud that I finally finished a book. Next will be Harry Potter.

I got a signed copy of Neil Gaiman’s latest book today called “the view from the cheap seats”. It was bigger than I thought it was. It is giving me ideas on how I should proceed on my book, if I ever get back to it.

All my nerves are angry with me right now and I don’t like it. I took plenty of pain pills tonight so ease my discomfort. I might have to take a stronger one to ease things. Tomorrow I am not doing shit. I am only leaving my bed to use the bathroom and eat something. I think I will just have Ensure as I am not going to be doing much and I don’t want to be loaded with calories. My therapist won’t be pleased but I really need to watch my weight. I have been creeping up since I left the hospital, which hasn’t helped my back any.

It’s really bothering me that this pain has been going on for days now. I thought I was getting better but then I got up to get a snack and I am hurting again. That is when I took an extra pain pill. Now I have pain going down my leg and my crotch is on fire. Damn nerve pain. I don’t usually get pain there except when my back pain is really bad. I know I will be fine tomorrow. I just did too much today with getting the book in Harvard Sq. It was quite a trek for someone who has a bad back. I was tempted to take a cab home but I didn’t because I didn’t have enough money on me. And it would have cost me at least $20 to get home. The price of a cab has gone up. It used to be $15, plus tip.

I have therapy tomorrow. I am glad I can have it in the comfort of my room. I sometimes like having phone sessions but sometimes I want to meet in person. I try to see her at least once a month with the zipcar. I really like driving out to see her, when I am well. I would have seen her today had my back been ok. Damn weather is screwing me over. I hate being in this much pain. It’s awful. I just want to cry, but I know it’s not going to help. I just feel so useless. I can’t walk, I can’t stand, I can’t sit for too long. It sucks.

This morning I tried to do some PT exercises but I was in too much pain. Any movement of my pelvis caused me severe pain. And that is where most of my pain is. My lower back. I can’t even rub it out because it’s so sore. The weather really needs to be stable so the “switch” can go back off and I won’t be in so much pain. I hate these flare ups. I am trying not to get me down, but it’s hard because I can hardly move or do anything that I used to enjoy. I can’t walk that far. Just walking to the bus stop today nearly killed me, and that is only a block and half from my house. I have become such an invalid. Today I saw an older gentleman on a scooter and thought, that would be perfect for me. I am 40 years old and I am thinking of getting around in a scooter because of pain. How fucking sad is that.

Back Pain Sucks

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Back Pain Sucks

I woke up with more back pain. It was hot in my room so I turned the AC on to cool off. I wanted to go back to sleep but I never did, despite taking my pain medications. Before I knew it, it was time for therapy. I had to apologize for not being able to give her some of my sauce and not being there in person. She understood because once she saw the photo I sent of my sauce, she wanted some, too. She also understood and didn’t want me driving in pain.

We talked about various things in therapy, mostly about PTSD symptoms as they have been cropping up as well as the weird dreams I have been having lately. I am afraid to sleep during the day because REM sleep comes so quickly. Normally, REM is achieved within 90 minutes of sleep. I am achieving it within 45, so half the time. If the dreams were pleasant, I wouldn’t mind but they are just weird and sometimes disturbing.

After therapy, I waited at the bus stop when my cousin drove by. He gave me a ride to Starbucks and I got a soy latte. My friend gave me the idea to get a double shot espresso over ice and pour milk over it. It’s the same as a latte except you are adding the milk so technically aren’t paying for it. I wanted to try it today but couldn’t. The iced soy latte was good enough for me. Maybe Thursday I will try it. Tomorrow I am NOT going out because I really need to rest my back as it’s not getting better. I ordered a book at a local bookstore and went to pick it up. I was in agony the whole way there. Luckily, I took a pain medication before I left and so by the time I was on my way home, my pain was a little less. It still hurt to walk though. I couldn’t straighten out. I should have used my cane but sometimes the cane is more cumbersome than helpful.

I wanted to write when I got to Starbucks but there were no seats available so I went to the bookstore. I am turning in a real Neil Gaiman fan. My therapist keeps calling me a guy and it’s so cute when she says it. I have to laugh. I do love it because no one else really sees me as a guy. Once I have my breast surgery, I will file for my sex change. Until then, I will keep things as it is. I told her I was going to change my name sometime next month. I got the forms but I need my birth certificate before I do anything. Crap, I meant to deposit some money in my checking account today so I can mail out the payment for it. Pain sucks because it distracts you. I just wanted to do what I had to do and then go home.

It was hot today but not as hot as I thought it would be. I still have the AC on because I can’t stand the heat. I am on the second floor so it’s kind of uncomfortable otherwise.

My therapist is happy that my depressive symptoms have been relieved. I am not as depressed as I was a month ago. I am eating and have my interests again. I even read two chapters in a book last night. I can’t remember the last time I did that. I feel good but it’s tinged with sadness from the grief I feel over the loss of my father. I told my therapist I haven’t been able to take the notepad out of my backpack to work on the story because it feels too heavy, emotionally. I know I will work on it, when I am ready. There’s no time table for me to work on it and it’s not like I have a deadline. I would like to work on my book. I have been thinking of writing an introduction. I still need to work on another story. Today I have been thinking of writing about the experience I had with this awful depression that lasted for nearly five months. I was reading some of my blogs from during this period. I have no idea how I was able to write every day as I was so down in the dumps.

But before I can do any writing, I need to get this back pain under control. I need to lay down and rest it. Sitting is not helping it and neither is walking around. But the problem is that I have been too restless to lie down. I seriously need to drug myself to get to sleep or at least rest. It’s just so difficult because I am in the agitated state of the depression. I don’t want to rely on Ativan to calm me down, even though it would help the spasms and pain that I am in. The baclofen doesn’t really help much and I don’t have a prescription for flexeril. I just have to create my own regimen and I know that laying down is what I need. I just wish I could read while doing it or write but I can’t. So tomorrow is going to be a serious rest day if I am still in pain.

Tough Decisions

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Tough Decisions

Since Friday morning my back has been hurting moderately to severely. Saturday when I made the sauce, it almost went out on me completely because I washed the pots and pans. Today I made some pasta to go with the rest of the sauce and I am hurting. So I had a tough decision to make and that was to cancel my Zipcar for tomorrow to see my therapist in person. I don’t think I can drive for 45 minutes, sit for another 50 minutes, then drive another 45 minutes home. My back would kill me and I am already in no position to fight it. The temperatures have been made crazy with the humidity now creeping up.

I hated cancelling the car because I really wanted to see my therapist. I wanted to show her my writing of the story I am working on. But stupid back pain is preventing this from happening. I know once the temps level off I will be okay. I hate being sensitive to the weather changes but I don’t have a stable back. Just taking a shower today killed me. I had spasms in my lower back and could barely stand straight. I haven’t been able to stand up straight all weekend long. It’s been brutal.

My cousin called my sister to cancel seeing my godmother. She isn’t feeling well. I was so looking forward to seeing her too. She has been ill a lot lately but then she is 92. I am kind of glad I don’t have to get dressed and go out. My back would not be kind to me. I am getting a little bit of cabin fever though. I haven’t left the house since Friday. It’s supposed to be really hot tomorrow so I am not sure I will go out. I hate heat. Summer is not my favorite season.

Because of my back issues, I haven’t been able to clear my bed off to change my sheets. I was really hoping to do it this weekend but I wasn’t counting on being in pain. We did have rain for most of the morning and afternoon but now the humidity has been creeping up as well as the temp. It’s 74 degrees right now, up 10 from this morning. I have no idea if it’s going to increase or decrease for the night. I just know I need my pain meds and need to lie down. Maybe wear a heating pad too.