Tag: bipolar disorder

Memorial Day 2016

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

Memorial Day 2016

Today is the day Americans honor those that gave the ultimate sacrifice, their lives to their country in times of war so that we the people can enjoy the freedoms we have. It’s a solemn day. We have parades in their honor as well as decorating their graves with flags or boots with their pictures on them so they are not forgotten. Some are honoring those that have died by suicide after their service. It’s a tragedy that these brave men and women come home after surviving their wars and then kill themselves to relieve them of their nightmares. The latest count was 22 suicides a day. It is sad.

I remember while waiting for my transport to the hospital, I got friendly with another young patient who served and fought in Afghanistan. She was diagnosed with PTSD and bipolar disorder so received a medical discharge. Now she has no benefits from the military at all. I find this sad because a lot of vets are being denied services because of this. Sure, she didn’t lose a leg or an arm, but why should she lose her benefits because she has a mental condition. That is what is wrong with this country. It doesn’t view mental illness the same as a physical illness. It pisses me off. Until this changes, the more suicides are going to happen. And I am not talking just those in the military.

I woke up feeling blah. I really don’t want to do anything today. I made coffee because I thought it might change my mood. It didn’t. I did enjoy the coffee, even though I made it a little too sweet. I sometimes have a heavy hand when it comes to sugar. I am so damn tired though. I woke up around 0200 and then fell back to sleep about an hour later. It’s been a rough night. I had a weird dream again. It was about my sisters but exact what I don’t remember. I am feeling really down for whatever reason.

I haven’t had any breakfast yet. It’s around noon time now so I should be thinking about lunch. I have black bean burgers I can make. I also have enough leftover sauce to make a small bowl of pasta. I feel really bad that I can’t share my cooking with my therapist. Maybe next month. I still can’t believe how good the sauce came out, though it was more meat than sauce. It definitely calls for two cans of tomatoes. I really love a rich sauce you can stick a fork into.

This evening, I will be visiting my godmother. It’s going to be hard because it’s the first time seeing her since my father passed away. She is the surviving sister on my father’s side. There is just two of the eight left. I have an uncle in France and my godmother. It’s really sad. I wonder if the grief ever goes away or if you always feel it. I never really knew my uncles. They died when I was young, two died before I was born. What is really sad is that there were no sons born from my uncles. No one is going to carry on my surname. It’s just going to die out.

Ankle Chronicles 12

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Ankle Chronicles 12

I haven’t written a chronicle in a while so I thought I would as my ankle is being a fucker right now and I don’t know why. I didn’t do anything like I did yesterday so not sure if this is a delayed reaction or what. I just know that I am in pain.

I ordered my Chinese food tonight. My stomach is nice and bloated. I don’t know why I was eating while standing. That might be why my ankle is upset with me. I then stood to finish watching the game. Sox came back in the 11th inning to win 5-3. I usually stand in the kitchen because the box is hard to read, even with my glasses on, when I am sitting. I like to see the pitch count and other stuff. I finally figured out today what the fourth box was when they showed the score. It was LOB, left on base. I don’t know why they are showing this stat. It’s annoying.

Pain begins in my ankle and then trickles down my foot into my toes. It drives me nuts that this is the pattern every single night. Then when it is in my toes, I am in agony. I have yet to figure out the right combination of pain meds to stop it or at least decrease my pain. If I take it before it starts, I have a good chance but it’s hard to tell because I never know how severe the pain is going to be. It can be a 5-7 on a scale of 1-10 and then quickly move to a 9+. It’s worse if I get a cramp or a spasm. Sometimes I will get a “tic” where the foot will just jerk upward. It’s not really painful but it’s uncomfortable. I have to take an Ativan to calm these jerks down or I get no relief from them. It took me a while to realize I was having these things happen because they would be so far apart from one another. I still have no idea what sets them off.

After the pain settles down some, then comes the nerve pain. I really hate this part because I have to take gabapentin to settle it down or my foot will burn and feel like it’s on fire. It really is uncomfortable. Sometimes it is so bad that I can’t have anything touch my foot, like the sheet or sock. It just makes the pain worse. I hate having to take the gabapentin because the next day I will get the hungry horrors. It’s like no matter what I eat, I am still hungry afterwards. It’s like I have a bottomless pit for a stomach. I have to be really careful because I don’t want to gain back the weight I lost when I was severely depressed. I am back to eating solid food again instead of just drinking Ensure. I have three packs of it left because I didn’t think my depression was going to get any better. But with the increase in my antidepressant, I am feeling better and my appetite is back.

Because of stupid pain, I can’t walk like I used to anymore. Some days I can walk a few blocks and be okay. Other days, those same few blocks seem like an obstacle course for me. It’s hard to gauge when I will be in severe or moderate pain and when I will be in little to no pain. I think the weather has some say in it. Rain or dramatic changes in temps will cause my pain to flare up. Like yesterday it was 92 degrees. Today it has been in the mid-50s for most of the day, an almost 40 degree difference. Ouch.

Stair climbing is another reason my foot/ankle will flare up. I try not to but sometimes my mother will go shopping and need help bringing the shopping up the stairs. Other times, I am up and down because I need to use the bathroom or eat. I don’t keep food in my room because I don’t want pests. I do have some pretzel bites in a sealed plastic baggie. That is only in emergencies when I am hungry but am in too much pain to go down stairs. I keep it on my nightstand.

Being in pain all the time, makes you tired. It’s exhausting both physically and mentally.

Sunday Blog 13

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Sunday Blog 13

I have been feeling sick most of the day. The morning started off fine until I started coughing and wheezing. I have no idea where all the congestion came from. My back didn’t appreciate it. I went back to bed after I had breakfast and slept for a little bit. My sister called me wanting some of my sauce that I made yesterday. I feel bad for my therapist because there isn’t any left. I was going to give her the last of it but there’s hardly enough to give. Next time I am going to have to make a larger pot. My sister and niece loved the sauce.

When I woke up from my little nap, I felt nauseous. I was going to order Chinese food but I am holding off on it until the nausea goes away. I haven’t decided where I am I going to order from. I have a couple of options because I only want chicken fingers, fried rice and scallion pancakes. I plan on ordering large so that my mother can have some as well.

Last I checked, the Sox were losing to the Jays again. It was nothing nothing until the 5th inning. Then the Jays scored two runs. This will be the second game they will have lost if the Sox don’t start swinging the bats.

If it’s going to rain, I wish it would already. I am not sure how much more back pain I can take. Course the temp dropped 40 degrees overnight so that isn’t helping me. Taking the NSAID is helping but I got to make sure I have food in my stomach or there will be trouble. Last thing I need is a GI bleed.

My cousin got back to me about seeing my aunt. We have a tentative date tomorrow for dinner. It will be good to see her. I know neither she nor my cousin are going to approve of my current haircut. I will be wearing a hat, in any case. Hard to believe a month ago today was the funeral. That’s the last time I saw my cousin.

I haven’t done anything today because I have been too tired to do anything. Having a back ache hasn’t helped either. I feel bloated though I haven’t eaten a whole lot today. I guess it’s because my stomach isn’t feeling too good. I also been constipated the past few days despite taking senna. I haven’t had coffee so I think that hasn’t helped loosen my bowels either. It sucks. I think I am going to take a fiber pill tonight to see if that helps move things along.

Saturday Blog 51

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Saturday Blog 51

I made my Bolognese sauce today. It came out so good. I cooked the sauce for almost two hours. I have been watching the baseball game while it has been cooking. Sox are leading right now, 9-8 in the 9th. And they lost due to the incompetence of the 1st baseman. Unfucking real. 10-9 Blue Jays. I am so pissed.

I made a big pot of pasta for my brother-in-law and I. I am hoping he isn’t too tired after doing his yard work to put in the AC. I moved the stuff out of the window so he can have access to the unit and window. Most of the stuff is on my bed so I can’t be in my room. It’s wicked hot up there anyways. I am in the living room with the fan and it’s much cooler.

I need to take a shower before bed tonight. I am wicked sweaty as it’s really hot today. I plan on taking one soon as my brother in law puts in the AC. I am wicked tired between the heat and the cooking. My ankle is thanking me kindly for standing so long. I cleaned up but haven’t washed the dishes or pans yet. I will do that after I take a nap.

When I woke up early this morning, my back was hurting me badly. I have no idea why but I couldn’t move without pain. I took some pain meds and went back to sleep. I didn’t get up till around noon. The pain was still there but it wasn’t as painful and I could move better. The pain kind of went away as I was able to move around. That is kind of weird because usually I am incapacitated when I have severe back pain. I went to two stores to get disposable Tupperware. Walgreens didn’t have it so I went to another store. I am glad I went to the second store because I was able to get a Danish and donuts. I had to put the chocolate frosted ones in the fridge because otherwise, the chocolate would melt.

My sister asked me to get in touch with my aunt so we could see her this weekend. I haven’t heard back from my cousin yet. It’s going to be hard seeing her. We don’t know how she is going to take seeing us as she hasn’t seen us since my father died. I am glad that she saw him before he died.