Tag: bipolar disorder

Broke my Rule

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Broke my rule

It’s over 80 degrees in my room so I had to break my rule of keeping the door closed. I can’t open the window because I don’t like it. Now the stuffiness is a little more tolerable than it was. I don’t know what I am going to do tomorrow as the temp is supposed to be 90 degrees and my bro-in-law hasn’t put my AC in yet. I think I might melt.

I got some reading done tonight. A whole chapter and a half. I had to switch to my reading glasses because the progressive lenses suck for reading. It’s like reading through a concave lens. I kept having to shift my eyes or my head to read the page. Annoying!

I complained to Amazon about my shipping problem. They were no help as they want me to contact the seller. There is nothing s/he can do about it as it’s already mailed. Hope they got their money’s worth of my $7 that I paid. As I usually send things via media mail, I know it’s the cheapest way to send books so s/he probably paid half of that. I am never getting expedited shipping again. It never works out for me. I am seriously considering getting Amazon Prime so I can get two day shipping for free.

I am in mega pain tonight. There has to be a storm coming because my spine is aching really bad and the CRPS is flaring up on me. I can see every vein in my foot and it’s throbbing big time. I hate being in so much pain. I just took my night meds so I hope that plus my pain meds knock me out. But I am in a hot room so I am not so sure I can sleep, even with the door open. I might have to take some nerve pain meds. I really don’t want to because I will wake up a few hours after I sleep and I will be up the rest of the night. I might be pain free but I will be wide awake.

I haven’t emailed my psych since the beginning of the week. I should send her an email saying I am doing okay. She is worried about me becoming manic. I think the depression has finally lifted a bit and I am just left with the sadness of the death of my father. I really didn’t think I was going to miss the bastard, but it happened. I saw a picture of him today when he was a little overweight. It was taken when my littlest niece was maybe six, so it was almost 5 years ago. He had the smug look on his face that I can’t stand. I don’t know why I miss him. It’s strange to me that I do. I guess it’s the one attachment in my life that I tried to cut out but never quite could and now that he is gone, permanently, it sucks. The “movie” started playing again today. It was in fast forward from the time the ambulance people transported my father to when I first noticed he wasn’t breathing anymore. That’s where it ended, today at least. Then I went through what happened afterwards with me panicking about what to do. I am usually calm in emergencies but this wasn’t an emergency. My father was dead and there had to be an official notification of his death. Here it is a month later and we are still dealing with him and his ashes. “Dust we are and as dust we shall return”. I don’t know the verse in the Bible but I think that is how it goes. It’s funny that Jesus didn’t return as dust. He just rose from the dead and was never seen or heard from again.

I seriously need to finish the story I started while I was in the hospital. I know I am risking PTSD symptoms and with this being a holiday weekend, there is no coverage. My psych will be on vacation next week and I am sure my therapist will be away somewhere with her family. Only place I can go is the ER or take an extra Ativan, if I need it. It’s funny that the chapter I was reading about psychopharmacology and PTSD included Ativan as a medication to control symptoms relating to anxiety. PTSD is of course in the anxiety family of diagnoses. I had forgotten about that. It works well with me and my symptoms. I am lucky to have a drug that works for me. I have been on so many and they have failed me. It’s nice to finally be on one that works. I don’t use it all the time, just when I am desperate and all else has failed me, like grounding and distraction. Lately, distraction hasn’t been working for me. Music has though. I get lost in the sounds and lyrics. I finally was able to listen to Mary Chapin Carpenter’s new album tonight and found it wasn’t as depressing as it was when I was depressed. It’s a pretty good album.

Friday Ramble 2

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I went to the barbers today for a touch up. He couldn’t believe how much my hair grew overnight. I have been telling him for the past two years my hair grows fast and he didn’t believe me until now. If I still have cash in two weeks, I will go for another cut. I just won’t get the top buzzed because I miss having some hair on my head. Right now my head feels like a steel course brush. I love the feeling.

After the barbers, I went to the Square for a coffee. There weren’t any seats so I just got my coffee and left for the next bus home. I had some time so I bought my T-pass for the month. I don’t know if it is worth it anymore as I am not visiting my father anymore nor going into town for his appointments. I still have my appointments but I am mostly on the phone with my therapist. My psychiatrist I see every two weeks or so. Maybe I won’t get a pass for the month of July and save myself some money. I kind of like the pass because then I don’t have to keep track of how much money I use per trip.

I am pissed my expedited shipping is media mail and I won’t receive my book until next week. Media mail is the cheapest way to send a package. I feel like I have been duped because I paid extra to have it shipped immediately. The seller is not going to get a good review, if they ask for one. I am glad I don’t need this book for a class or something important. I’d be behind the other classmates.

I am feeling really sad today and I am not going to shake it. I think my fighting the feeling is just making the grief worse. I have no appetite today. I had a bowl of cereal for breakfast and now the thought of food is making me sick. I was going to make a Bolognese sauce today but I don’t have the energy to. I just feel so down. I feel like I want to cry but the tears aren’t coming. My sister texted me to see if I wanted to go with them to drop off the urns to the funeral home. My sister got a big urn and two smaller ones. I don’t know why. She still plans on getting a tree for the backyard. My brother-in-law is nuts if he thinks he is going to place it in the front of the yard. I am just afraid the roots of the tree will not have room to grow and the tree will die.

I woke up early this morning in pain. My ankles are still hurting me. I don’t know which one hurts more. It sucks because I don’t know which leg to limp on. Dammit, I forgot to go to Walgreens on the way home to get disposable Tupperware for my sauce. I guess I will go tomorrow because I am too tired and in too much pain to go back out. I hope tomorrow I feel better because I really don’t want the meat to go bad. I should have bought Manwich and then I could have sandwiches. My mother is going to make chicken pot pie for dinner. Sounds good to me because I don’t think tomato sauce would agree with me tonight.

I had every intention to read before going to sleep last night but it never happened. I feel like with each passing day I don’t read, I am getting further behind for some reason. It’s been almost three months since I finished a book. I was on a good pace to read 40 books this year. Now I am not so sure it’s doable. I will feel defeated if I don’t complete this challenge. I have 33 books I need to read by Dec 31st.

feeling grief

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Feeling grief

The movie of my father’s final hours keep playing in my mind the past hour or so. I have been trying to distract myself by listening to music or playing on my phone. I even watched some episodes of Friends on Netflix to no avail. My heart is just so heavy. I feel really depressed and want to cry but I just can’t. It hurts so much. I feel like I am losing my mind. I don’t understand this at all. I know my father had been a huge part of my life the last few months, with him having to be hospitalized because of this and that ailment. And I know my writing has suffered because of it. But not having any more contact with him has been so difficult. I am not sure I can get used to his presence not being there anymore.

I never typed up the stuff I wrote while I was in the hospital. I haven’t even so much as removed the notepad from my backpack. I am wicked hot in my room because it’s so damn hot out. I should open the door to let some air in but I hate my bedroom door being open. The ceiling fan is not doing much to cool me off. I am just uncomfortable.

My pain has returned. My foot/ankle has decided to give me grief. I took my pain meds but they haven’t kicked in yet. I haven’t been taking them around the clock because I wasn’t in that much pain. Now I am playing catch up and it sucks. I just want to sleep but I can’t because I am hot and in pain.

I added another book that I am reading to the Good Reads list that I have going. Seems it’s easy to add the books and start reading them but difficult to finish reading the book. I have had Alexander Hamilton on there for a couple years now. It’s a big book and difficult to read so I put it down and have some idea where I put it but am not sure. It is an interesting book but the author has no breaks and the chapters are really long. With the latest book I added, Risk Management with Suicidal Patients, I have six books I am currently reading. This book is a short read as it’s only around 200 pages. I hope I can finish it by the end of the week but it takes some doing. I just need to find motivation to read. Of course, trying to find motivation to do anything has been difficult lately.

I have no idea where the day went. I got my haircut, made lunch, took a shower and have been in my room since. I did watch John Adams and did not like it. It was very boring. I don’t understand how it won awards. I canceled the rest of the discs and I am going to return the disc tomorrow. Then I am going to cancel the subscription so I don’t get charged.

I texted my sister that I missed my father. Today has been really difficult for some reason. I still haven’t cried. I am getting to the point where I don’t think I am going to. I am worried that it might happen around Father’s day.

Sox lost big tonight. I think Buchholz is washed up. And he is a relatively young pitcher. He just hasn’t been pitching well all season. His first game that he pitched was a no hitter and since then he has been on the rocks. Bradley, Jr. ended his hitting streak at 29 games. I was so looking forward to him getting to 30 games but they placed him in the lead off position and I think that messed it up for him. I am so upset over this. I know he has been hitting well, but he is not a lead off man.

I am debating taking some gabapentin for my pain levels. But I am afraid that I will get the munchies all day tomorrow. Since I have bought my groceries, all I want to do is eat. Tomorrow I will be making my Bolognese sauce. Just to get an idea of if I had the right idea about making it, I watched a YouTube video. The one I saw was not made by an Italian. He put nutmeg in the meat sauce and Bay leaves. I was disgusted. He also put cream and wine. That was too complicated for me. He also used two pounds of meat. I am just using one pound for 1 can of tomato sauce. I think that will be sufficient. I know I will be the only one eating it, though I will be giving some to my therapist on Tuesday. I got to go to Walgreens and get some disposable Tupperware because I don’t think I have them anymore. I will look but I don’t think so, least not the size I need.

I am so damn tired but can’t sleep because my foot is bothering me so much. I know that is in part to me going up and down the stairs to eat something. I really hope I don’t gain back the weight I lost. I will be so mad at myself. I know that I have gained a few pounds back. But that is all that I am willing to tolerate.

Random 150

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

I got my haircut today. Unfortunately, it wasn’t the same as the one I got last month. I am almost bald. I should have gone to the other guy but the owner was free and I took a chance. Never again. I think I will try the new barber shop that opened in the Square. It’s going to take a month for my hair to grow out. I am kind of upset that my hair isn’t the way I want it.

I texted my therapist for an appointment but doesn’t look like she has time today. She must be busy because she hasn’t even texted me back, yet. It’s not that urgent that I talk with her today. I just feel like another session might help my grief. For some reason, I am really feeling it today. Other than getting my haircut, I have no other plans for the day. I thought about going to Starbucks but it’s really warm out and I know I won’t be able to get a seat. I am not really in the mood for a coffee anyways.

I didn’t watch John Adams last night like I wanted to. I was so tired that by 2200, I was toast. I slept till around 0800, which is good for me. I did have a weird dream. It was so weird that I am going to have to discuss it with my therapist on Tuesday if I don’t talk to her today. I think I will watch the movie today. I got to have some Oreos first. I bought Oreo Thins and they are so damn good. They have just the right amount of filling that I like. The danger is that I can eat the whole package in one sitting. Other than chocolate chip cookies, Oreos are my second favorite cookie.

Last night, I was productive before I passed out. I was able to get the forms needed to legally change my name and I finally found out how to go about it. I am so proud of myself. It’s going to cost me around $200 to do it, but I am hoping by July, I will legally be G. Collerone. I don’t know how long the proceedings take. And I don’t know if I need to make a court date or not. I am a little nervous and excited at the same time.

I think I am going to type up the story of the last two hours of my father’s life. I want to finish it so that it isn’t haunting me anymore. I know I will always have the memories but I just want them written out lest I forget a detail or two. I just hope it doesn’t land me back in the hospital.

I am going to see if my brother-in-law can put in my AC tonight. It’s getting really warm and I hate it. I love it when it is cool not sweltering hot. I can’t believe that I have practically no hair yet my scalp is so itchy. I have tried different shampoos and conditioners, head and shoulders, Selson Blue, you name it yet my head still itches. I think I need to see a dermatologist or something.

I just had my amazing cheeseburger with avocados and pickles. I am still hungry. I might have a yogurt. I bought Greek yogurt with honey. I like Greek better than regular yogurt. It has a creamier texture. Tonight I plan on making steak. I haven’t had it in a long time. I am going to make the Bolognese sauce tomorrow so the ground beef doesn’t go bad. I was planning on making it on Sunday but the meat will go bad by then and I don’t want to freeze it then thaw it out in a few days time. I hope it comes out as good as I am hoping. My mother keeps calling it a “dirty gravy”.