Tag: bipolar disorder

two accomplishments

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Two accomplishments

I got my haircut and took a shower afterwards. Then I slept for most of the afternoon. I woke up hungry so I made a black bean burger. I really like them but the spice kills my taste buds for a little while. It’s so hot. I haven’t had an Ensure all day so that is good. For breakfast I had a Danish. I wanted to make coffee but I just didn’t have the energy for it.

My new slippers came. They are a little tight on me but fit and are comfortable. I ordered PJs last night. This is in case I need to go in the hospital, I will at least have comfy sleepwear. My ankle has been bothering me all day. I don’t know why as I haven’t done anything other than walk to the barber shop. I was supposed to go to the post office to mail some stuff but that didn’t happen either. My funds are swindling with all these purchases.

Last night I felt suicidal again. I texted my therapist. I didn’t want to bother my psychiatrist. I knew the feeling would pass and it did. Night time is a rough time for me lately, it always has been. My heart just becomes heavier and it drives me crazy because there is nothing I can do about it. I watched a couple episodes of Friends to distract me but it only worked for a little bit. I wish I still had my game. I really miss it. There are other games that are similar to the game that I played but it’s not as easy to maneuver nor is it fun or challenging.

I am supposed to have a check in with my therapist sometime today. It hasn’t happened yet, but then she is back to back so I am sure it’s only a matter of her getting a chance to call. I don’t have a session with her until Tuesday. I have been thinking of writing her a letter to give her an update. I just don’t know what to say in the letter. I think I am going to handwrite it and then try and read it to her Tuesday.

My mother made home made pork fried rice. It was the best rice she has made in a long time. It didn’t come out wicked salty. I think I am done with eating for today. Today has been the first day in a long time that I ate more than one thing in a 24hr period. I hope this continues.

I still feel in the dumps. I still have thoughts of ending my life. Things don’t look so good right now. I am worried that I might have to go back to the hospital and just get frustrated because I won’t be getting care that I need. Course, what that care is, I have no idea. It doesn’t exist in the hospital anymore. It used to. Not anymore. Now it’s more like 15 minutes of “treatment” with your treatment team and that is all. Most of it is dependent on nursing care staff.

Psych Appointment

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I met with my psychiatrist today. We talked about all that has been happening since I last saw her. I had a smile on my face but she wasn’t fooled by the mask. I told her I had no appetite and lost weight. She was a little concerned. She is more concerned about the episode that happened on Sunday. She wants me to call her the next time it happens. She wanted to go up on the Zoloft but I told her I didn’t. I want to see if it will work at 50 mg before I increase it. It’s only been a week and a day since the increase. Got to give it some time to work, even though I want it to work instantly. I just wish the hopelessness would abate for a little while.

I got my letter from my doc about disability. Now I just got to mail it. I will do it tomorrow. There are a few books I got to send out to a couple potential reviewers. I never thought I would be giving away my book for free but I am. Unfortunately, I still haven’t had one review back from the free give aways.

I have been in a depressed mood for most of the day. I told my psych I wanted to jump off a bridge. If the Tobin was more accessible to me, I think it might be a possibility. But I am afraid of heights so I don’t see that happening. When I told my psych about staring at a bottle of pills I am grateful she didn’t ask which one. She knows I have enough medication to kill a horse. And she knows my knowledge of medication.

I texted my therapist to see if I could see her tomorrow or at least have a check in and she is back to back. But she will try to call me. I hope there is a cancellation. I think it’s good to keep her in the loop too. My psych also said today that she appreciates the little emails I send her about how I am doing.

I haven’t had any food today. I had an Ensure and a soy latte that I didn’t even finish. I just couldn’t drink the last four ounces or so. My psych wants me to eat but it’s not so simple as that. I am getting hungry but I don’t know what to eat. It’s a toss up between a black bean burger and tuna sandwich. I am leaning toward the tuna sandwich because it’s more filling.

My ankle gave way the last block on the way home. It just didn’t want to flex as I took each step. I have it up and took a pain pill. Now I got to go down the stairs and it isn’t going to be happy. I have pretzels in my room but I don’t feel like eating them. I should have bought a protein bar when I was at Walgreens today.

Suicide and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

I have so much going on in my head tonight that it’s making it hard to sleep. My sister called me a girl tonight and it really hurt me. I thought she understood about the transgender stuff but I guess not. I didn’t correct her. I was too ashamed. It set me off in a suicidal space. I just keep thinking about how I should be dead. I came really close to killing myself the other night. I know I didn’t attempt to do it but I really wanted to. And it was scary to me that I could have done it. Hell I can do it now but I don’t know what is stopping me.

I canceled therapy for the week. I just can’t bear to talk about this with anyone, except my blog. She called me man when she told me she was giving me the okay to cancel. She said under the “new approach” I don’t have to have a reason to cancel. I want to cancel next week but I think that will be pushing it. I just don’t feel like I am being effective in therapy anymore. We talk about stuff but I feel like it’s not enough. I still get depressed. I am still suicidal. I just don’t want to be anymore.

It’s hard when you are in the wrong body. I know I haven’t talked about this in a while. Mostly because it hasn’t really bothered me. But tonight when I got a message from my sister, it hurt. I will never be seen as the man my mind thinks I am. I know I will feel better when I get my haircut. Right now I feel like I am a chia pet as my hair is all over the place. When I see my psychiatrist today, I am going to ask her if she thinks I am a guy or a girl. I need her input because her opinion means so much to me.

I keep thinking about suicide. I try not to but it’s back and it’s there and there isn’t nothing I can do to stop the thoughts. I know there are hotlines I can call or text to talk about it but I am tired of seeking help. I just want to die. I can’t stand myself anymore. I am tired of being called “daughter” and “sister” and “miss”. It’s just so not me.

There is a conference going on in Chicago right now. I want to be there because it’s always loaded with information about suicide prevention and it always helps me feel better because it gives me hope. It helps me to realize that there are others like me who is interest in the study of suicide. Though I have a different agenda. I use the information to either affirm that I should be dead or use the information to help me get better. Like CAMS is a useful tool. I use it in my therapy and it has helped me over and over again. If I didn’t belong to the organization, I never would have known about this framework and I probably would be dead. Course, at the rate things have been going, I could still be headed toward pushing up daisies. Just use me as fertilizer. I am good for nothing else.

Hope is a tricky thing. It can either make you or break you. I have been increasingly hopeless this past week. I have been trying to hold on to it but it’s so slippery and keeps slipping through my fingers. It’s like a bar of soap when you shower. Now matter how much you try to grab it, it still falls to the floor. You know it’s there but you just can’t hold on to it. And it just increases your depression.

Appointments that didn’t happen

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Appointments that didn’t happen

My therapist agreed, reluctantly, to cancel my appointments for this week. I am glad because I don’t feel like talking this week. I see my psychiatrist tomorrow. She just emailed me to change the time. It’s later in the afternoon which means I get to sleep a little longer.

My father wasn’t feeling well so we didn’t go to his appointment. I rescheduled for next week. I went over there because he wanted me to be there. I stayed for a couple of hours and then I had to leave. I couldn’t stand the shows he was watching. I tried to get him to eat something but he said that if he did, he would vomit. I must have asked him fifty times what he wanted to eat and he said no each time.

My appetite struggles continue. I just had coffee and an Ensure. I was going to order a steak and cheese but changed my mind so I might order it for dinner. But right now, I am not hungry and the thought of food repulses me. This has to be the longest streak that my appetite has been next to nothing. Yesterday I barely had 800 calories. Today is looking to be the same unless I get the cheese steak and fries.

Physically I am exhausted. I just want to sleep. My pain levels are minimal so I haven’t been taking pain meds too often. I feel like a deadweight. Even though my mother said she wasn’t going to call me to ask what I wanted for dinner, she did anyway. She wants to make porkchops. I don’t feel like having porkchops. She got mad. Oh well.

My psychiatrist acknowledged how difficult things are for me right now. She said that it would be ok for me to go to the hospital if I needed to be there. Things is, until I get things settled with my father, I can’t really go in. If I have another suicidal episode, I will. I will have to pack a bag and that seems so daunting because I don’t know what to pack. I have just one pair of pjs that are decent. I need to get more pjs. What really keeps me from going in is the mountain of pills I will have to take because they don’t have the dose of many of my meds. For example, last time I was there, I had to take 4 pills of Lisinopril because they didn’t have the 40 mg tabs. I hated taking my meds every night because of this. It was worst than what I take at home.