Tag: bipolar disorder

sleeplessness, suicide, and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

I took my night meds because I was feeling sleepy. Then I experienced some side effects. I think it was most likely withdrawal as I haven’t taken a pain med since last night. So I took one pill and now I am awake. I am listening to music and it’s keeping me awake. I know I should shut it off and try and get some sleep but I am not tired anymore. I hate when I wake up. It’s after midnight.

I started writing a blog/essay about my experience with dealing with the suicidality of the night before. I got to less than 200 words and gave up. I should have hand wrote it. Now the thoughts have escaped me. I hate when that happens. I really wanted to include it in my book.

The American Association of Suicidology will be having their annual conference in a couple days time. People are already meeting up and the conference doesn’t officially start until Thursday. I just care about what Jobes says. I hope he doesn’t have a pre conference workshop. I won’t be by my laptop Wednesday because I have an appointment with my psych. I also emailed her about my “episode”.

What strikes me about this episode is that there was no trigger other than intense psychache. My heart was being torn apart in a million pieces and I just wanted to die. I had the means to die. I just had to act but I didn’t. No one would know why I attempted to kill myself. I am not so sure either. I know I didn’t want to die in my room, not where someone close to me would find me. I never would be trusted again with my pills. And I am 40 years old to be treated like a child would be such an insult.

I honestly don’t know what would happen if I attempted and didn’t succeed in my house. That is something that I really don’t want to find out. I didn’t do anything to harm myself last night, as intense as the feelings were. And it seemed like they only lasted about ten minutes before they dissipated as fast as they appeared. I held out, again. My only question is, what about next time? Will I be so lucky, if that is the word to use?

In twelve hours I will find out if my therapist will honor my cancellation of our appointment. There has been no indication from her whether she will call me or not. So I am left wondering. I gave her plenty of time to cancel, more than 24 hours. But I don’t know if the blog that I sent her will void the cancellation. She will do that sometimes. I guess that is part of the reason why I can’t sleep. I am too worried about the what ifs. If she doesn’t call, I can leave my house earlier and get my Starbucks. I can also get my letter from my new PCP for my loan documentation that I need.

I continued the rant on Twitter about how the NP dismissed my depression as “stress”. I have never felt so offended before in my life. Stress is not something that causes depression or make you lose weight, your appetite, lose sleep, and feel worthless. I had all the physical symptoms of depression and she dismissed them. I can’t trust her anymore, not with my depression anyways. I have to keep the elephant in the room quiet now. I miss my old PCP. He understood. He was one of a kind. And the institution where he worked lost a great physician.

weight, food and books

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

I sent off my protected blog to my therapist so she can read it and then I cancelled therapy for the week. She hasn’t said anything. I am still waiting for my father’s doc’s office to call me back to set up an appointment. If I don’t hear anything by 1500, I am going to call again.

I got one thing accomplished today. I took a shower. I was going to go to the barber’s shop for the haircut but now I will have to go Thursday. The shop is closed on Tuesdays and Wednesdays. I also made a tuna sandwich for lunch. I didn’t have breakfast as I fell asleep after I made the phone call this morning and showered.

I went on a rant last night. I started to complain about how the medical profession doesn’t seem to care about depression the way they ought to. I also ranted about how this is all “stress”, like it will go away. I lost another eight pounds due to this “stress” aka depression. I should be happy but I am not. I have always felt weird around my weight. My old PCP was after me every month to lose and the “stress” of him telling me to lose actually caused me to gain. Now that I don’t have that pressure with the NP, I am dropping pounds left and right. I know it’s because I am not eating my usual foods. I am eating just one meal a day, if that. So I just eat when I am hungry no matter the hour. Trouble has been what to eat because nothing appeals to me. I have lost interest in food.

I know this may sound silly but I am going to say it anyway. I feel like with me losing weight, I am losing a part of myself. I know I don’t need the weight. I am too heavy for my frame. I never was skinny. I was always on the heavy side. But I just feel like I need to be heavy or no one will like me. People liked me when I was much lighter. I have proof of that. But It’s just a weird thing because I have been overweight for so long that I grew used to it. Now there is a chance I might meet my goal of being 185 again or lower if I just continue to watch what eat. I guess you can blame my father for this because he always called me fat and ugly.

I am addicted to books. Last night a friend on Twitter showed a Neil Gaiman book, the Sandman Overture. I had to have it so I bought the collection on Kindle for $20. It’s the third Gaiman book that I have bought the last few days. I don’t know when I am going to read them, but I have them. I am still working on Brothers Karamazov. I read a little each day or try to. It’s hard with the depression. It’s kind of fun because you go back to Russia and think about those times before communism and fascist regimes. When Russia was ruled by the church. Least that is what I am getting from the book.

Easter 2016

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

Easter 2016

My Easter went fairly well. My father was in his mood but I didn’t let it bother me. I don’t think he let the cable man to his apartment as he didn’t say anything. Now I am probably going to have to reschedule the appointment. Better yet, I will have my sister call, if I can.

I then had BPD chat. We were talking about mentalizing and one woman was having a hard time with the term. She said she was going to cry because she just couldn’t understand it. Then there was a sarcastic bitch that kept on ranting on the whole thing, just making things worse. It was probably the worst chat that I have been to in a while. Mentalizing is easy for me. I understand it and use it. It’s second nature to me as I have done it all my life dealing with a narcissistic father. I still use it to try and see where the fuck he is coming from so I am not so damn angry with him. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t because I don’t care because he is hurtful.

I really wanted to explain more about mentalizing but I am not an expert in it. I just know the overview of the concept and agree with it. According to one of the moderators, there is MBT (mentalization based therapy) in Boston. Where the hell it would be, I have no fucking clue. Most of the centers that I know of use DBT. I think you would be hard pressed to find even a CBT therapist let alone an MBT one. It would be worth looking into as an adjunctive thing.

I played with my phone settings trying to get more memory on my device as I am having problems with email. It keeps telling me that it’s out of memory. I cleared the “cached” data and that seemed to do the trick. It was 6GB of data so it was holding a lot of memory. I have no idea what I cleared and hope it wasn’t important. I tried to transfer apps to my external data card but there was none to be had. The only thing that was there was FB messenger so I transferred that to the data card. I was able to delete duplicate songs on my music player.

Mentally, I am feeling a little bit better. I am not as slow as I was before. I also don’t feel a heaviness in my legs like I did. I was going to go to Walgreens if my prescription was ready but it’s too early to get it filled. It was nice out today but I didn’t go out. I made coffee and that kind of energized me a little bit. I was able to fill my pill box without dread for the first time in weeks. I hope this turn that I am taking is for the better and not for the worse.

Tomorrow I need to get a haircut. But before I do I need to call to make my father’s doc appt. They cancelled the one for Thursday so they want to see him Tuesday. I hope I don’t have to cancel my therapy appointment but I might have to. It all depends on the time they have available. Thursdays work better for me because I don’t have therapy.

I had a glass of wine with dinner. I am a lightweight as I don’t drink often, if at all. I have a slight headache and feel tired. I didn’t overeat, but that has been the only meal that I have eaten today. I did have a slice of pie for dessert. My mother didn’t make the chocolate cream pie, much to my disappointment but her back was hurting her yesterday so I understand. There were more desserts than food! My sister had made some Italian dessert and chocolate chip cookies. My mother’s was better than hers. My mother had made apple turnovers, brownies, cookies, and pie. There were also Pizzelles, an Italian cookie.