Tag: bipolar disorder

Random 124

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I got a text from Walgreens saying that my prescription was ready. It was the Zoloft that I put in last week. I had received a mail order that my doc mistakenly put in so now I have more than a month’s supply of 50 mg. If I want to go up when I see my doc in two weeks, I can do that. There is a difference in color between the mail order pills and Walgreens. I have a light color green and a dark color green. Just hope they work.

After I picked up my script, I decided to have another pastrami and cheese sub from the good sub place. It was better today than it was yesterday. I had breakfast this morning. So now I just need to have dinner and I will be okay. I think the not eating was really playing with my mood because I feel a little better with something in my stomach. I am not saying the depression has gone away but my mood is a little lighter.

While I was at the sub shop, my cousin came in and we talked for a little while. He was trying to get me to write for news papers and such. That really isn’t my thing. I rather just work on my book. I don’t understand why my family pushes me to have a job when I am disabled. I would love to work but I just can’t right now. I am in too much pain and that is just walking around the block to Walgreens and the sub place. I have been walking more but I pay the price and no one really knows this except the blog and Twitter world.

I feel downhearted after talking with him. Even now I am hurting with my ankle flaring up for just the little walking that I did. It really makes me sad that I could have been done with college if I just didn’t have a psychotic breakdown. And now that college is so expensive, there is no way for me to go back and finish my degree.

Last night was rough. I was in a lot of pain and then when I took something for the pain, it increased. It was a tough night to get through. It’s very tiring to deal with pain. I slept until 1230 and that almost never happens. I had woken up around 8 to have breakfast and then I went back to sleep. Now I am in pain again and I just want to give up. I am just so sick of being in pain all the time, every single day. And no one gets it.

just a ramble

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

About an hour ago, my foot exploded in pain after I took an NSAID and some Neurontin. Now the pain is a little bit more manageable. I keep thinking over today’s events with the AAS conference tweets. I like that my Twitter buddies went to difference speaking engagements so you got different things. I especially liked the Marsha Linehan talk. She is a great person, though I didn’t like her at first. That was many years ago and at a time when DBT was the “thing” to do for people like me.

Now I would love to see CAMS to be the “thing” to do. But I don’t think I will ever find or convince my therapist to take a workshop on CAMS. She thinks her way is the right way and there is no more “learning” to be done because I do it. I am the suicidologist, not her. I think her attitude reflects most therapists that have become set in their ways. She is collaborative, don’t get me wrong and I am grateful for that but when it comes to my suicidality, it increases her anxiety and so I get shafted. I have to “limit” what I tell her so she doesn’t freak out. She has become better since the letter that I sent her last September. She is more willing to do what needs to be done in therapy to help me rather than hinder me. I give her credit for that. I know it wasn’t easy to give up my sessions this week. Whereas before, she wouldn’t think twice about canceling. It would be a no and that would be all. I would have had therapy whether I liked it or not.

I think next month I need to spend more money on my laptop because the cooling fan is going. I saw how it was to be replaced and it’s too complicated for me. I am going to ship it back to Dell and use my old laptop. I should make sure that it works before I send this off. I changed the battery on it because it needed a new one. That was the easy part. I am just grateful I have a backup laptop that I can use for what I need. I know internet explorer is useless on it. There is a problem with the hard drive that makes it impossible to update windows. I never got a new hard drive because it’s a pain re-installing everything.

I emailed my psychiatrist and told her I wasn’t going to the hospital because there was zero data supporting that it would be helpful or useful for me. All it would do is babysit me and I don’t need to be babysat. The last time I was in the hospital, my psych thought it would be “helpful” for the team to know that my father was sick and that I was his “caretaker”. I went in there because I couldn’t handle being transgender, or being in chronic pain all the time. I went there for my needs not my father’s. I was pissed that she brought it up. And it’s not like they were doing psychotherapy with me, though I am sure they were billing my insurance company for it. It’s just stupid. I rather go to the city hospital and stay there for a few days. It will be worse as I won’t have any electronics to play with, including the use of my cell phone.

There are a lot of things that I need to talk to my therapist about and I hope that we don’t talk fifty minutes of my father’s ailments. I don’t mind talking to my psych about my father because we just briefly talk about him and then we talk about my symptoms and how I am doing with it. We don’t spend the whole time talking about my father’s problem. My therapist is the crazy one. We always talk about the same things with my father. It’s never different because his ailment doesn’t change. He is a sick man and will probably die within a year if he continues to deteriorate. I have come to terms with that. My therapist just doesn’t see it and wants to talk about it like it’s so very important, thus avoiding my other side, the depression and subsequent suicidality.

I feel like taking a handful of Neurontin tonight. I just want oblivion. Maybe I will take a high enough dose and see what happens. My luck, nothing will happen.

feeling blah and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Feeling blah and other things

I woke up early this morning in pain so I took some pain meds. It was supposed to rain but never did. Something is in the works though because my lower back and ankle says there is. I woke up later in the morning and started my day. I really just wanted to stay at home but I needed to do my father’s meds and go to the post office. By the time I was done checking out the American Association of Suicidology annual conference tweets, it was time for me to go. Marsha Linehan was again a speaker at the conference and one of the messages she said was that hospitals do not help suicide prevention at all. There is ZERO data to support going to a hospital.

Now with this data, I am not going to go into the hospital ever again. It really doesn’t help to be there because you get no treatment. You get admitted and the next thing you know you are discharged. Last time I had to fight to stay in the hospital. They wanted to discharge me but I kept telling them I was going to kill myself if they did. I put them in a “bind”. I didn’t care. I just knew I didn’t want to leave until I had my stay or something was done to make me feel better. The result was weight gain and feeling better because the Remeron worked. I wanted to give the medicine time to work, something they don’t do anymore. You are in and they want you out just as fast. They don’t care what brought you into the hospital. They just want to know if you are suicidal and going to kill yourself when you get out or on the unit. You say no, they discharge you. You say yes, you stay. After three days, you still have your thoughts but not going to act, you’re out. That’s what it comes down to.

So now that I know there is zero data to support an admission, why should I waste my time on the unit. Sure it will give me a temporary break from dealing with my family but the hassles of medication and packing and the like is just too much for me right now. I am feeling too blah to even get dressed and go out. After my father’s, I was so tired I just wanted to go home and snuggle with my pillow. But I had to go to the post office. As a reward, I told myself if I went, I would get a sub. So that was my incentive. I hadn’t eaten anything all day so this was going to be it. I wanted to make a black bean burger before I left the house but I didn’t have time. So a pastrami sub was my ticket to doing my errand at the post office. It was good and I ate the whole thing, much to my surprise. I think my appetite is coming back, even though I still feel moody and blahish. I still have thoughts of wanting to die. Those never seem to go away.

I texted my therapist a sad face that she didn’t call me. I also showed her a side by side pic of myself from a few months ago to yesterday showing I lost weight. I haven’t seen her in a couple months so I thought I would send her pics.

Today was really cool that my friends at the AAS conference tweeted me that David Jobes won the Marsha Linehan award. I love Jobes and write about his work frequently. His work helped to keep me here and gives me hope that I can survive my suicidal impulses even though the data says that I should be dead.