Tag: blog

showered and now wiped out

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, COVID19, CRPS, depression

Showered and now wiped out

I had some energy this morning so I made my coffee and had my biscuits that I have with it. I was thinking about what to do today and I needed a shower. It had been a week since I last had one. So after I had my breakfast, I got my clothes together and went to the bathroom. My moustache needed a trim so I did that and then took a shower. It was exhausting. My back cramped up at least three times. I had to sit. I felt so exhausted afterwards I just wanted to nap. I still am thinking of napping but I need to get to the bank because when they replaced my card,  they put the wrong name on my card. It is my deadname. I don’t understand how this happened but I need to physically go to the bank now to fix it or I won’t be able to have access to my funds.

I went to the pharmacy to pick up my meds. It was a good walk but I am exhausted after going. I had just enough energy for it after eating. My T shirt is really baggy on me. I must be a large now. My size 38 pants had plenty of room at the waist. I lost like 15 lbs. I am trying to feel good about this. I had a long discussion of this with my therapist yesterday. She said what my father said to me is abuse. I need to talk about it to get over it. He always called me fat and ugly all my life. I am not sure how to get over this. It is something I have struggled with for years and now that he is dead it is just harder because I still hear his voice.

I am struggling this year with his death. Memories of that day still linger. It is like a distant memory but I remember the details of that day as if it were yesterday. I remember at the wake I had my niece take a picture of him because that is how I wanted to remember him rather than the emancipated look at his death. I knew he was going to die that day soon as I walked into his room at the nursing home. We arranged to have him taken to his apartment and I was the one that rode the ambulance with him on the way there. His breathing changed after we hit a pothole and I told him he couldn’t die yet. Not until he was home. He lived for another two hours when we got to his house. My sisters and I were having something to eat when he passed. I had a mini panic attack as I couldn’t find the nurse’s number to call to tell her he died. She had just left an hour prior to his death. Funny how much I remember from that day.

I am feeling down today. I am not feeling suicidal just depressed. I was able to eat. I ordered two filet o fish but only had half of the second one. I am feeling pretty full. I still want to make bacon that I bought. I just hate cleaning up after bacon. So messy. I had bought the pre cooked kind but it didn’t come with my order as it was out of stock. I am debating taking a nap. I think I need one. I haven’t been keeping tabs on my bladder. If I have to go, I will go but I am not timing myself like I did before. If it happens to be a long while then I will just go to the toilet and see what happens. Usually I am able to go.

feeling weak and tired

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, COVID19, CRPS, depression

Feeling weak and tired

I haven’t been eating much the past few days and yesterday I didn’t drink enough fluids like I should. I am feeling weak and tired today. I ordered my groceries as I needed half and half. I weighed myself this morning and I am down another 10lbs. My clothes are starting to become baggy on me. I need to take a shower today. I don’t know if I will have the energy for it. I am feeling kind of rotten. I just ordered a caramel macchiato because I feel crappy and need caffeine. I don’t have half and half so I can’t make my coffee. I need the treat anyways.

I had a bowl of cereal today. I got a text while eating to sign up for the vaccine so I did that. I will be going Wed to get the vaccine in Boston. It should be easy to get to as I just have to take the bus and train there. Right now it looks like it is going to rain on Wed. I hate traveling in the rain. But it will be worth going out for this vaccine.

I have therapy tomorrow and I don’t feel like going. I just want to stay in bed. I am in my kitchen as I am waiting for my Starbucks. It should be here soon. I am glad I can get a delivery. It is worth the cost for every now and then. Not every day though. It would be too expensive. I am only having it today because I need caffeine.

I have to go to the pharmacy to pick up my meds. I don’t think I will go today though. I am too tired and weak. I haven’t left the house since I got diagnosed with Covid. I know part of the reason I am so weak is because I haven’t done any exercises or walked since being quarantined.

I am back in my room because I am cold. My sister had the door to the porch open and then tells me I should contact the doctor because I am cold. Sure and maybe if you close the door it wouldn’t be so damn cold in the kitchen either. She has been driving me fucking crazy. I seriously have been thinking of moving out as a friend has been wanting me to live with her for some time now. She has a room for me and it would be less lonely for her to have someone live with her.

I am listening to Taylor’s Fearless album (her version). It is one of my favorite albums. I haven’t stopped listening to the album since I was finally able to download it to my phone. I had four shots espresso with my drink and I am ready to nap. WTF. I hate that sometimes caffeine has the opposite effect on me. The song fearless has me dancing in my seat. I love this song so much. I am calling the new song Mr. Perfectly Fine as the new number one.

listening to Taylor Swift all day

by Midnight Demon, posted in baseball, blogging, CRPS, depression

Listening to Taylor Swift all day

I finally was able to get Fearless (Taylor’s version) on my phone. It took nearly a week for the amazon app to get it on my device. I am so glad I finally have this music. Right now I am listening to Evermore and then I will switch to Fearless.

I am sort of in a brain fog so I don’t think this will be long. I am still feeling so wicked tired from the Covid. I had coffee and something to eat with it. I plan on having some more of my pad Thai that I ordered yesterday. I was able to eat a quarter of it along with the appetizer I bought with it. I don’t have an appetite today so I don’t know if I will eat.

I am so fricken cold. It is 67 degrees in my room and 50 outside. The wind is making everything colder. I wanted to go out but I keep on getting cold sweats. I think I am over the worst of it but this fatigue is really bad. I need to go to the pharmacy to pick up my meds but only one is ready and I rather have two than one. I contacted my doctor because I think who ever handles it thought, again, that I was requesting the same medication twice. I wish they would spell out the damn abbreviations so it would be easier to know one is immediate release and the other is extended release. Drives me crazy that I have to go through this every couple of months.

Sox are on fire, though they are down by two runs right now. I am not listening to the game like I should. I just don’t have the brain power to listen. I am feeling lightheaded. My blood pressure is low so I am dehydrated. I just got some soup from my sister so I can increase my fluids. I really been craving Lipton soup but we don’t have any. I put it on my grocery list. It is the only soup I like when I am sick. I just pulled a hoodie on because I am freezing. No fever though.

Day 11 of Covid

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging

Day 11 of Covid

It has been more than 24hrs since I ran a fever so I think I am out of the quarantine now. I am feeling so damn tired and the docs can’t do anything for me as the time for antibody treatment has passed. I need to give my shot today of testosterone. It will be at the increased dose. I am kind of nervous about it. I plan on giving it to myself after I write this blog.

I don’t think I am going to be looking at my blog stats anymore. The numbers have been terrible lately. It seems on days I write have better numbers than on days I don’t. Maybe now that I am not so sick from Covid I will write more. It is just hard because I sometimes don’t have the clarity to write.

Monday I had therapy and I told her about my eating problems. She took it as a control thing. I am supposed to eat something every day until I see her again. That is going to be hard to do but maybe not as I am out of quarantine now and can leave the house. I still want to go to Starbucks and have a latte. I also want a sandwich. I might have UberEats deliver me one. I don’t know if I will be strong enough to walk. I need to go to the pharmacy and pick up my meds. I am kind of nervous about it because coming back home always makes me short of breath. It is a nice day out so maybe it won’t be so bad walking.

I need to wash my clothes that have covid on them, including my masks. I don’t know if I will be able to do it today as I am awfully tired. I woke up in the middle of the night to pee and it took me forever to get back to sleep. I realized last night that I lost my sense of smell. I still have my sense of taste so I am glad about that. I just can’t smell anymore. I hope it comes back. I wanted to get my vaccine but they are saying that I need to wait a month for it to happen. Fuck. That sucks.

I pre-ordered Taylor Swift’s new version of Fearless and even though it said I purchased it, it still won’t download on my phone. I have to talk with Amazon about it but I can’t be bothered right now. So I am just listening on the amazon app. I don’t know when I am going to talk to the people at Amazon to find out why my music isn’t downloading properly. But least I can listen to her music. It makes me feel in a good mood when I listen to her music.

I got a new baseball history book that I plan on reading sometime today. I can’t wait. I have never been so excited to read a history book before. I hope that it has what I am looking for or I will just write my own the way I want it.