Tag: blog

in an awful mood

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

In an awful mood

My therapist got back to me. She hasn’t received anything from SSA so I will need to call them tomorrow and let them know and to see if they are using the correct address. She has moved several times over the years. I don’t think the internet has caught up to her current address.

My ankle pain got worse with me moving and checking mail. I got a letter from my private health insurance. I was expecting it and sure enough, my premium went up by more than $20. I can afford it but with my meds also going up on a tier, things are going to be tight for awhile. I still need to order more allegra and my senna. I get good prices on Amazon than I do in store. I was going to boycott their services because they came out with awful suicide message t-shirts. I can’t believe that they would sell these shirts. But I need my meds more than I need the boycott.

With the pain rising, I have been thinking of killing myself for the past hour or so. I can’t help thinking that I would be better off dead. I feel like such a burden to my family as I can’t do anything to help them. I never did take the frozen food out to the basement. I talked with my mother and we will be putting them on the porch as it’s cold enough out. That will save my ankle some pain. I just hope that it doesn’t hurt my back.

I just feel so useless. I have my favorite music playing to try and distract me from my thoughts. Pearl Jam is coming to Fenway Park this year and I really want to see them but I am afraid that my ankle will not be able to stand it. And it’s not like you can sit down at a rock concert. I tried when I went to a Bon Jovi concert a few years ago. Impossible. It was a shitty concert but still. I would love to go if I can get tickets. I’ll worry about my leg then. I am listening to Pearl Jam song right now. It’s one of my favorites from their new album. I really like their new album even though it is not that new. It’s a couple of years old now. But I love it just the same as I love their first album.

I texted my therapist saying that I was suicidal from the pain. I already had one anxiety attack over it and my heart really hurt. I felt like my chest muscles were going to collapse it was hurting so much. It didn’t last long, just a few seconds but it freaked me out none the less. I hate when I get sharp chest pains. I know it’s not a heart attack but probably some ischemia. With all the latest research, I am due for a heart attack and I do hope that it kills me. I will be very upset if it doesn’t.
I had a good stretch of no suicidal thoughts for a while now. But severe pain will bring it back in an instant. I just want to die. I took another dose of my pain meds and the voices wanted me to take the bottle. I was so tempted. That is why I don’t keep that many pills at my bedside. It’s too easy to take more pills than I need, especially when I am in agony. I don’t know if more is better. I have never tried it. Most I will take is three pills and that seems to be the magic number. But I never have taken more than that at any one time. I have thought it and been commanded to but I never went through with the thoughts. I took an Ativan because of the anxiety this is causing me. I know I probably should have taken a trilafon too but I will take that with my night meds. I have been taking my night meds early lately. I just get so tired and then I take them and wake up. So tonight I am just taking the essentials, once I can stand up again. I am waiting for the pain to go down so I can take my night meds. I hope it goes down soon because I really want to go to bed. I am utterly exhausted.

Nerve wracking day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Nerve Wracking Day

Just got off the phone with the SSD and my claim is still under review. They are waiting for my therapist to input their paperwork. So I just texted my therapist to check her mail. Now I got a nervous butterfly in my stomach. Only because I don’t know which address they may have sent it. I hope they sent it to the address I gave them and not on the web because those addresses are no longer current!

I spent the morning with my father for his appointment. We arrived 45 minutes early and we couldn’t enter the place until 0830. Every 5-10 minutes my father was looking at his watch. He was such a fink. The appointment went longer than expected. I just really wanted to get out of there. I didn’t have a book or my headphones with me so it was like time dragged on and on. Then I went to his apartment to fix his pills because I wasn’t going to go out again tomorrow. I am hurting really bad because I over exerted myself today.

My mother ordered a new refrigerator because our current one is not working properly. It is coming tomorrow and I need to empty the freezer and transfer the stuff to the basement freezer. I am not looking forward to this ordeal. I am glad it’s not overstocked but the basement freezer is not exactly empty either. I just hope that I can find room for everything. I am waiting for the pain meds to kick in before I start moving stuff. I also need a nap because I have been going since 0500 and haven’t really had a little downtime. I just had lunch a little while ago as I haven’t had anything to eat since 0530.

I really am annoyed that the person I spoke to from SSA didn’t really care what I was telling her. I just hope she sent my therapist’s paperwork to the right place. They got my other records from the hospital I go to, so I am happy about that. The only hold up is my therapist. Fuck. And I won’t find out till next Tuesday if she got the paperwork. I should have called before my appointment with her but I didn’t want to as I came home close to my time with her. At least I know I am getting somewhere with my claim, though it’s not really a claim but a review.

I decided to go back to reading “Evidenced-based practices in suicidology”. I was reading it this morning while I had my coffee. I must have read ten pages and was wondering where suicide fell in what they were talking about. They just gave a history of where evidence based practice came from and it just goes on. This is the worst book and it is so misleading. You really can’t judge a book by its cover!

I had therapy and we spent most of the time talking about how annoying my father was. We also talked about how annoying the voices are becoming. They are encroaching on everything lately. It is so frustrating. I can’t do anything without some commentary going on. I know it’s only going to get worse in the upcoming weeks as I have to spend more time with my “lovely” father. I told her that I had to put off my physical therapy because of his stuff that is going on. I probably won’t be able to go through the course until the middle of February. Until then, I just have to muddle through like I have been doing. I did forget to tell her about my bladder accident yesterday and how it affected me. Oh well. I am kind of over it anyways.

About half way through our session, the pain meds kicked in. I really don’t remember what we talked about after. She wants me to get something to eat and rest. So I guess me going up and down stairs to the basement freezer is out. I am too tired to do that anyway. If I have energy later, I might do it. Course it is so cold out, I don’t understand why we can’t just put the stuff on the porch. Just wrap them up good in plastic bags and they should be ok.

Our mail is either really late or really early. Lately, we have been the latter and it is annoying because I am waiting for stuff to complete my loans stuff. I am getting more anxious about it as more time passes. My feet are bloody cold. Back to wearing thermal socks. I should just glue them to my feet because my feet have been so damn cold lately, even under blankets. It’s like no matter what I do, they are just cold and won’t warm up unless I have these socks on.

Exhausting Tuesday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Exhausting Tuesday

I had my pain management appointment with the NP. She is a doll. She said she is willing to continue to see me but doesn’t know about the policy and such as they haven’t quite worked out what is going to happen since my doctor has left. So another month to wait. Maybe I don’t have to see the new doctor at all. It was weird getting the prescription from her and not seeing my old PCP’s name. I miss him already.

I was then supposed to go to my father’s appointment but never did because the stupid medical assistant called the guy after me instead of me. So I had to wait nearly an hour to be seen. The doc took him early (I was shocked as she usually runs late) so I never went up to see him. Score! I was so sore by the end of my visit that I was really kicking myself not grabbing my cane. I will be sure to grab it tomorrow when I go for another appointment.

Then I had my therapy appointment. That was fucking fun. I was in a public place so couldn’t really talk about anything serious. I got out kind of late from my appointment and missed the bus that would take me home. The next one would bring it close to therapy time so I figured I might as well stay at the hospital and have therapy. I was quite exhausted by this point. My thigh and ankle were filing for divorce and I had no pain meds to prevent this from happening. We basically just talked about my stressors and the voices. I gave her an update as to how my psychiatrist was doing. She (psychiatrist) now understands what I go through to get dressed and showered. My therapist wanted to know if I was going to the hospital next week. I told her it all depended on somethings. The thing is, I don’t feel that it’s necessary for me to go in. But I meet with my psychiatrist next week and we can discuss it some more. I also told her that I won’t be seeing her next week like I was planning. A friend had called and next Tuesday we will be going out for dinner. I can’t survive the drive to her office and back and then go out with my friends. My thigh would hate me and I would be really tired, so wouldn’t be fun to be around. She understood and I told her it would be the following week provided we didn’t get walloped with snow this weekend.

It was bitterly cold today. My thighs still haven’t defrosted. I should have went to the bathroom before leaving the hospital. I was wrong thinking I could hold it all the way home. I was soaked by the time I reached home. I didn’t know this. I can’t really feel when I am leaking and I must have leaked a lot to be as wet as I was. I feel so bad and humiliated. I was going to tell my sister but I couldn’t even broach the subject. She was telling me about my mother and how bad her breathing is. She was just diagnosed with emphysema. My mother is a former smoker, who basically chain smoked. She finally was able to quit when the price of cigarettes went up too high and she couldn’t afford them anymore. I am glad she stopped smoking but now we got to deal with the lung issues. It’s upsetting so I won’t go into it.

I finally had a movement after three days. Now I don’t feel so damn bloated. It hurt like a SOB though. Felt like I was delivering razor blades. I don’t know why it hurts so much and the stool was softer than it normally is. Fucking drives me crazy and suicidal. I don’t wish CES on anybody but my worst enemy, and even then, they have to be a pretty cruel person to get me to wish it on them.

I’m still waiting to hear back from the lady at the SSD office. I was expecting a phone call today but didn’t get it. I will call tomorrow after my therapy appointment. I’d call now but they are closed. Plus, I am too tired to talk to anyone. I don’t even want to have dinner tonight and my mother is making my favorite, stir fry chicken. I just don’t want to go down the stairs again. My thigh is really hurting. I took a pain pill a little while ago but it hasn’t kicked in yet. Sometimes I need two pills. I figure I start with one and then take another a little while later if it doesn’t work. I find I have better coverage this way. Then it’s time for bed and I can take two pills and not worry about waking up in pain, sometimes.

The NP examined my ankle today. It was pretty tender already and when she asked me to flex it, I couldn’t. I said that is what it is. She is like “you have no range of motion”. I said that is what happens when you have foot drop and pain.

My therapist and I discussed reading materials. I said I was getting bored with the “Explorations in Personality” book and Dostoevsky is just dragging on and on. I need some fun reading, like a clinical book to get my mind going. She was laughing as I said this. She said only I would get excited over a clinical book. I am a weirdo.

Surgeon and being cold

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Surgeon got back to me

I got a call from my surgeon this evening. He told me I had degenerative changes but nothing major going on. He offered me injections (I declined) or physical therapy. I opted for PT. His secretary will contact me with the information. I am glad he called me today rather than tomorrow when everything is going to be so busy in the morning.

I emailed my psychiatrist and texted my therapist with the news. I am glad I don’t need surgery, just physical therapy. I think it will be good because maybe I can get this kink out of my right hip and the soreness out of my left thigh. I know I don’t walk right because of my ankle issue and the PT is going to have their hands full with me because of my back issues. I haven’t thought where I want to go. Ideally, I would like to go to SRH as they were good to me there for my ankle, even though they didn’t help me. But they were trying to undo 14 years of damage in just a 30 min session. I didn’t have the patience or the tolerance to deal with the pain that ensued.

One less worry, for now. I hope I am not getting a damn cold again. My nose is clogged and I feel icky. I was able to shower, though my foot is killing me again. It’s going to be interesting to do physical therapy on my back with an injured ankle/foot.

It snowed today, our third snow fall of the year. We got a few inches, nothing major. I am hoping tomorrow it doesn’t freeze over as it’s supposed to be brutally cold. And of course, I will have to wait at the bus stop freezing my ass off. That is going to do *wonders* for my back. Just thinking about me makes me cold.