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Fridge Fiasco 2

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Fridge Fiasco 2

Today was the day we were supposed to get the non-damaged new fridge. Except we didn’t. The new fridge was slightly larger height wise so wouldn’t fit in our space. Great. All the work that we did emptying out the fridge, again, was wasted. Because it is still freezing out, we have the freezer stuff on the back porch still. My mother nor I, didn’t want to bring them in the house just yet. My mother didn’t measure the fridge before she bought it. She thought all fridges came the same size. Now because we don’t have a fridge, I am going to have to wait to place my grocery order. I had bought freezer stuff so it will have to wait. UGH.

Finally my SSD came through. I am determined to be disabled. My sister thinks I will be on a 3 year review schedule. It’s weird that they declared me disabled when they didn’t get any information from my psych team. I guess I was declared on my physical stuff rather than mental. I am just glad I don’t have to see their doctors. I was really nervous about that. Now that I have this information I can hopefully relax and the voices can pipe down.

I didn’t sleep well last night. I woke up around 0400 in severe pain. It was the first time in a long time that this has happened. Since this morning when I woke up, the pain levels have been minimum, which I find odd because I have been moving stuff back and forth throughout the house and going up and down stairs. I want to take a shower, which I will do once the frozen stuff is in the freezer. I even made pancakes without too much pain. I’m still waiting for my ankle or foot to explode. It’s at a 4 right now, which is my baseline. I promised myself that if the pain got severe again, I would take the stronger pain meds today. I need a fricken break. Four days straight this pain has been going on. I can’t take much more.

The manic stuff I was experiencing yesterday went away. I wish I could have it back. I only want it back because I am exhausted from this afternoon’s activities. It’s supposed to snow today but they still haven’t pinpointed a time. The hardest hit will be the Cape. I think when it starts snowing, I will bring in the freezer stuff on the porch. They don’t need to be buried in the snow.

Energized and then caput!

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Energized and then caput!

I woke up around 0700 after waking up at 0500. I was going to go back to sleep but wanted coffee badly and something to eat. I don’t know if I am hypomanic or not but I feel really good and energetic. That was until I hurt my foot and had to take pain meds. I was feeling goofy and ecstatic, which I rarely feel. I still feel good and in good spirits but I kind of lost my energy after eating lunch. I was going to go out today but I was so fearful of a flare up that I decided to stay home and watch movies. I have seen one movie today, The American President. It is my favorite movie. My next movie is going to be Bull Durham, but I am not sure when I am going to watch it.

I went down the stairs like a normal person today and paid the price. Just stepping in a downward motion caused severe pain. I usually go down the stairs step one step because of this but because I was feeling “high”, I decided to go down step after step. Wrong move. I couldn’t believe it. It kind of brought my “high” down a few notches. I limped to the kitchen to get whatever it is that I needed to get. I am just so feeling mixed feelings. I think I am in a mixed state more so than hypomanic. My moods have been shifting. I also want to do many things but I can’t because of bloody pain. Right now, my ankle/foot is throbbing up a storm. I am sure I will become depressed again once the pain meds kick in. They usually make me drowsy anyways. I only took one pill so hopefully it won’t make me too drowsy like two pills will. I don’t want to sleep like I did all day yesterday. It is so hard to put the brakes on my high energy levels when I am in pain. I almost never have energy and I want to use it up. But I don’t have the capacity to read. I think if I did, I probably dissociate. I just feel really weird. It’s not like me to have energy and feeling good. I don’t know what to do with myself. I probably would tackle the corner of my room that is aggravating me.

Because I am still waiting the decision on my SSD, I wanted to pay double for my cell phone and cable bill. I checked to see what my cable bill was and it went up six fricken dollars. I am like WTF. I checked my previous bill and it explained that the broadcast and sports fees went up. I don’t watch TV so I went to my mother to find out what channels she watches and to see if I could get a downgrade for my bill. I did. I am saving a whopping $17. It’s not much but it will be better in the long run. I hated paying over a hundred dollars for TV and I hardly watch it. I only watch it when my games are on. I can’t watch my shows because I am usually too tired to watch them and I can’t record them anymore because I don’t have TiVo. Another reason I changed packages was because they took away my CMT channel. The whole reason I went to the preferred package was to get country music. Now that I no longer have this, screw the package I am on. I hope they take away the sports fee because I no longer get the MLB channel anymore. It was a hard decision to get rid of a sports channel I love but I hardly ever watch it because they mostly show games I don’t want to see. Only time they will show things I want to see are the no-hitters in progress or something. That is exciting to watch.

Starting tomorrow, we are supposed to get a huge snowstorm. I really don’t think it’s going to be anything more than a few inches but they keep changing their stories as to how much we will get. I know we are getting something because my pain is through the fucking roof. My spine is aching, my hip pain is killing me and don’t get me started on my ankle/foot. That has been bothering me all damn week.

It’s weird to be in a positive state of mind. I just don’t understand it. Yesterday I was in gloomville, today I am the opposite. I haven’t changed my meds or anything, though I did take my night meds really late last night. I had fallen asleep after dinner and didn’t wake up till 2200 or so. It’s so going to mess around with my hormone pill by taking it late. I usually take my meds around 2000. That is because I am usually wiped out. I don’t think I will be wiped out today. I am still in an energetic mood. I so want to do something but I am in too much pain to really stand on my feet or walk. I might use my grabber to clean that area of my room that I is aggravating me. Most of the stuff just needs to be picked up and thrown away. I have decided that if it has been sitting in a place for more than 6 months, I don’t need it so toss it. Shit on my desk needs to be gone but I can’t reach my desk because of the damn shit in front of it. Once I can clear a space, I can put my printer on my desk rather than have it on my desk chair.

I hope this feeling good lasts a little while but I have a feeling taking my pain meds is going to knock out the feelings. It happened when I was in the hospital after taking remeron. I got a little hypomanic and then was down after taking my meds. It sucked but they probably would have discharged me if I was hypo. The crash was horrible though. I think I felt more suicidal than I did when I first came into the hospital. It was bad. Then Robin Williams died and so did I. I had no reason for living. Things just sucked all around. But things got better with the antidepressant. I gained weight, which my PCP was thrilled about and I haven’t been able to lose it. Docs don’t understand that when you are immobile like I am that meds can cause weight gain and then it sucks trying to lose it. They give you the rap like it’s not good for this and that but do they offer ways to lose it, no. Like you are just supposed to wish it away or something magical to happen to make you down to their expected weight guidelines. Bastards. I am lucky I don’t get the shit from my psychiatrist. I would go off on her because my psych meds are the reason I gained so much meds. And the Neurontin doesn’t help. I have been eating since I have been up this morning because I took a dose of meds yesterday.

Can’t Breathe

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Can’t breathe

I am all clogged up with my nose. I would still be sleeping if I wasn’t breathing through my mouth and it got dry. But it’s good that I woke up because I had to take my night meds. I am feeling a little bit better mentally. I just wish I could breathe.

I checked my mail. All I did was go down and then up the stairs and now my ankle hates me. WTF. I got a benefit statement form from SSD. I hope that will be enough to send to the loan people that I am disabled. I still haven’t received my award letter. I also got the stupid Humana stuff. I cancelled it last week and they send me something every day for the past week. Holy moly what a waste of paper. I can’t believe that an agency would enroll someone without telling them first and giving them the option of enrolling. It’s just so stupid.

I will be having a third dose of pain meds tonight. I have been taking them around the clock today because the pain has been so bad. I still haven’t moved my bowels despite taking senna. I am hoping coffee tomorrow morning gets things moving. I am starting to feel uncomfortable.

I am debating on using Afrin to clear my nasal passages so I can fricken breathe. Thing is, it always makes me sneeze after I use it so I think I am wasting the medicine because I just sneeze it out. I have to get a different kind of Afrin as the menthol one is just too strong. I think that is why I sneeze after I use it. I am going to go for a moisturizing one.

I’m also debating whether or not to read another boring chapter in the “Evidence-Based Practice in Suicidology”. I want to get through the book so I can complete it as part of my reading challenge I set up for the year through GoodReads. I want to read at least 20 books this year. So far I have read two. One friend wants to read a 150 books. That requires some skill. I am also keeping a database of the books I have read this year. I like to keep my excel skills up. I haven’t made an formulas or anything, just a basic sheet that tells me what I have read and the time it took to read it. GoodReads doesn’t give me that kind of information.

I like this book, it’s an “easy” read meaning that it’s not technical with a lot of jargon but there are a lot of references throughout the chapters that I read. My therapist just wants me to read a chapter out of sync rather than reading it chapter to chapter. I can’t do that as it messes with my OCD quirks. I have to read from beginning to end. I can’t hop around. Only time I have done that is if I am researching something and need a specific chapter to know what I am looking for. Like I bought a book about suicidal risk management and I totally forgot why I bought it. It was a follow up to an article I read that I couldn’t get online so I bought the book that it was in but I forgot the reference. It is frustrating because I have this book now and it’s just sitting there. I might read it after I finish every book that is on my list. It’s a small book, about 250 pages, so I should have no problems reading it.

The other book that I am reading (I always read two or three books at the same time) is on the “Explorations in Personality”. That book is hard to read because it has a lot of technical talk and sometimes it has Latin words that I don’t understand or even words that I think are made up like “infavoidance”. It lists this word but they don’t define it and it gets frustrating after a while because you read and then need a dictionary to understand what you are fucking reading. It just takes time and effort with this book and my patience is low. I have to take it in small steps. It’s going to take a long time to read this book. It’s about 400 pages. I am up to page 105 so I have 300 to go. I’m only reading it to find out more about needs but I am afraid this book is way over my head and I am just not understanding it like Shneidman has. It’s like they make up words and you are left with a “huh” type of feeling. And they haven’t even gotten to the study part yet. It’s just a real bore but I find it interesting only because I feel it’s a part of history reading stuff from that era.

I’m hungry and I can’t decide if I want cereal or a breakfast bar. I am leaning toward a breakfast bar. I find it more filling than cereal. I never had my Chinese food tonight. My mother wanted hot dogs and beans. I will have it for lunch tomorrow.

Fridge Fiasco

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Fridge Fiasco

I helped my mother this morning emptying the fridge and putting them either outside or on the porch where it is cold. I then went upstairs to my room and slept as I wasn’t feeling good. My ankle still hurts and the pain pills were kicking in. When I woke up a few hours later, the delivery guy was here but our new fridge wasn’t. It was damaged. My mother was beyond bullshit. How could they load a damaged unit and not know it until they reached a customer’s house?? It doesn’t make any sense. So all our work this morning was wasted and now we had to put everything back. It did wonders for my ankle.

I still am in a shitty mood. I hate being in pain and I have been for more than 24 hours now. I know it is because I did too much. Two straight days of being at the hospital and traveling by T just killed me. I don’t know how I am going to handle going there 3 days a week for two weeks. I am just glad it is in the afternoon and not the morning. I am not a morning person. Only thing that sucks about this is that I can’t go to the square to get my coffee. I will have to make it at home.

I am also in a bad mood because SSD lied to me or at least got the wrong information. Yesterday they told me they didn’t receive any information from my therapist and today it miraculously appeared. My therapist didn’t receive anything. So I am not sure who is the faulty party. And I don’t know what information they want/needed that they have. Pisses me off that I am jumping through hoops here. She said that I would get a notification in a few weeks. Great. Just fucking great. Meanwhile the voices are running rampant saying that I am not going to get awarded because I am a lazy ass. That I am not disabled enough and other horrible things. I really can’t take it. I feel like I am losing it. Maybe I have lost it. I really just want to die. That will solve everything, least in my mind.

While we were going through the freezer stuff, I found the PF Chang food that I forgot that I bought. I think I will have that tonight for dinner. It will go nicely with some Jasmine rice. Least that is what I want to do. It might not happen because of my pain. Between putting the food back in the fridge and then making a hamburger for lunch, my ankle is toast. Today is gearing up to be just a pain med day. I am really sleepy, too. I do hope that my therapist has an opening today but it’s already 1330 and she hasn’t called me so I am thinking it’s not going to happen.

I’m debating on making coffee. I haven’t had it and I am really sleepy. But then, pain meds will do that to you. I need to take another dose soon as my ankle is screaming at me. I wish it would pipe down. I might need to pull out the big guns (stronger pain med). I hate taking this med because of constipation. It really backs me up. I am going to try taking some Neurontin to try and see if that helps me sleep some. I doubt it but it might ease some of my pain, too.