Tag: blog

Put on some of this or that, maybe I won’t feel so bad

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Put on Some of This or That, Maybe I Won’t Feel So Bad

I was going to say the hell with my plans and drop off the prescription at the pharmacy to be picked up tomorrow or Wednesday when I will get paid. But my ankle is saying “don’t you dare”. Just going down the stairs started a flare up and I give up. I am not going out today like I planned. I really wanted to have Starbucks and a breakfast sandwich but I need to restrict my activities if I am going to go out tomorrow night with friends. I honestly don’t know how I am going to manage this, with my ankle being so sore. I will bring my cane as I will need it for support. I haven’t left the house since Wednesday. And this week was supposed to be a big week. I have doctors appointments for myself and my father. If I can’t get the Zipcar for my father, I will be screwed. I will have to reschedule the appointment. I would like an earlier time anyway other than 1730.

I feel like crying, not because I didn’t get my check but because I am in a lot of fucking pain. This is like a week now that I have been in severe pain and it doesn’t seem to let up. Soon as I start walking around or even moving it to flex it, it hurts. I am so damn sad. All I can think about is the Eric Church song that is running through my head. The title of this blog is the second verse of the song.

I made breakfast. My ankle didn’t like that. It doesn’t like anything that I do. But I can’t just lay in bed all day. I have been doing that for the past four to five days. I am getting a little stir crazy. I was thinking about a story to write about having a narcissistic father but it’s still floating around in my head. I got a comment on my CAMS blog this morning by some clinician who was looking for a later version of the SSF. I told him I don’t know if there is one. There is an electronic version coming out in the spring of this year, CAMS 2. I don’t know if that will be DSM5. I will revise the blog once I get the new information.

Mentally I just can’t handle being in pain anymore. It’s dragging me down a deep hole and I am not sure I can get out of it. I am really pissed off that my ankle hurts so damn bad. It should have recovered after two days of staying in the house but it didn’t. It just got worse and worse. Not even the strong pain meds helped. I might have to take another dose. But I just took my regular meds so we’ll see if that helps. I don’t want to take them together because I will be really loopy. I was talking to a friend the other night via FB chat and I almost passed out on her. I told her I had to go lie down. She didn’t like it but I had to lie down before I passed out.

I think I finally figured out why my nose is all clogged up: the Heat! It’s the only variable that makes sense. I live, almost, in my room so it makes sense that the heat would cause my nasal passages to swell for whatever reason. I should dust it, but I don’t have access to it because there is a lot of stuff in front of it.

My hormone pill is ready to be picked up. I need to get that sometime today. I hope the pain meds do their magic so I can go out and get it. I will drop off the pain med script. I don’t have to go to Starbucks today. I can make coffee. The cream I have is still good until the 27th. Then I will be screwed. I might have to get some from my sister.

I didn’t sleep too good last night. I did wake up around 2300 but I wrote in my journal rather than write another blog. I didn’t go to sleep until around 0200 or so. Then I woke up every few hours until I said the hell with it and got up. I am really tired and feel like going back to sleep. I have no energy to do anything. Hopefully I will nap and then feel better. Because I feel like shit right now. And that isn’t just because my nose is clogged up.

Least Make it Feel Like Night

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Least Make it Feel Like Night

My Pats lost. I am in agony both sports wise and in pain. I never had my margarita. The whole game was back and forth. It was a tough game to watch. I missed most of the third quarter. Then watched parts of the fourth. I couldn’t handle it. There should have been at least one unsportsmanlike conduct when the Broncos sacked Brady and then the guy was pulling at his crotch. That was uncalled for.

Now I don’t know what I am going to do. After my Pats play, I hit a depression until March when spring training begins. Catchers and pitchers report to Fort Meyers in a couple of weeks. I’ll get to see the idiotic face of Dave Price now more than I ever wanted to. I hate this guy so much. He is such a player with no meaning, and I don’t mean as in a baseball player. The guy just makes me sick. And we have him for the next 3-7 years. This weekend they had a Sox fan weekend in I think Foxwoods, which is in Connecticut. Mr. Price couldn’t make it because of the snow in Nashville. But Ramirez was there and we had to hear how confident he is at 1B by several people, including the GM. I really think he is going to suck at that position like he sucked in LF. Just wait until Pedroia throws him a pitch that should be caught and he drops it thus missing for a double play. He is not my favorite player. Actually there are three people I don’t like that are playing for the sox: Sandoval (aka Panda), Price, and Ramirez. Going to be an interesting season. I will be boycotting the game on NESN and just be listening via radio or Twitter.

I forgot to refill one of my important pills so I can’t take it tonight because I don’t have it. So tonight is hodgepodge night. I will just take what I feel like taking. I thought it was later than 1900 but it’s 1845. I took one of my meds really early. I am tired anyways so I’ll just take my pain meds and call it a night. I might wake up around midnight/0100. If I do, I will probably write another blog.

I feel like such a jerk because I didn’t refill my meds. This is the second time that I forgot. I think it’s because I threw away the pack before I refilled it that I forgot, but then I had a LOT going on last week and the pain didn’t help any. I got to get my haircut in the morning when that barber shop opens. I will be so disappointed if they are closed. I got to remember to bring my Times article with me. I told them I would bring it in the next time I got my haircut.

I’m going to have to start writing things down on the calendar so I don’t forget refills for my pills. I have to keep track because it’s not a 30 day schedule they have me on and I forget. I am trying to be better at refilling my meds before they run out instead of when they run out. Like one of my blood pressure pills. I always wait until I am down to my last week before refilling it. I feel like such a loser but this medication I get a special deal at Stop and Shop where I only pay $10/90 day supply for the script whereas if I went through my regular pharmacy, I would pay twice that amount and only get a 30 day supply. It saves to shop around for medication.

Turn on the Neon Light

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Turn on the Neon Light

I’m back to listening to Eric Church’s new album. I am stuck on “Mixed Drinks about Feelings”. This song just gets me. I don’t know what it is about the song that gets me going.

Today is the final match up between Tom Brady and Pey-a-ton Manning. Least I hope it will be. Manning deserves to get his ass whooped and severely at that. But I know this is going to be a nail biter of a game. Both teams want the Super Bowl badly. It’s going to be nerve racking. I just hope I have the house to myself. I plan on having a margarita, just a small one. It’s premixed so I don’t have to do anything. No mixing of alcohol, just pour and serve. But something tells me that my mother is not going out and I will have to watch the game on my small kitchen TV.

I spent the morning calling Sears to get a new fridge for my mother. It was a no go. Every time I got a human they told me to call some other number. It was so damn frustrating. Then because the phone rang and rang for so long it got hung up. So now my mother has to go to the store to order it. She doesn’t believe in online orders, though I am kind of with her on that front. Spending over $500 is a big purchase and you should see it before buying it. Only thing that I will buy online for that amount of money would be a laptop because I know what I am getting. All my laptops have been Dells so I am partial to that company.

I woke up again in pain. I made some lunch after I took a reasonably longer shower than I am used to. My ankle didn’t like that. I was still hungry after the cheeseburger so made some popcorn. We have an air-popper and it makes really good homemade popcorn. Now my ankle really hates me but I really want a drink so I am not going to take anymore pain meds.

Last night I realized that it would be convenient and cost effective if I got my blood pressure meds via mail than retail pharmacy. So I put the request in. I hope tomorrow they do what I ask. I was very clear in my email. But I was clear the last time I requested a 90 day supply and I got a 30 day supply. I hope they send it to the right place because I am running low and I don’t want to spend $20 if I don’t have to. Tomorrow I need to refill my pain meds. I hope the sidewalks are clear as we got a few inches of snow last night. Last thing I need is to twist my ankle in the snow because someone didn’t shovel.

I haven’t read anything in the last few days. I keep meaning to but I’m stuck. The last chapter I read for the EBP in Suicidology was a tough but short chapter. It was kind of rag time and I hated reading it. But I started the book and I am going to finish it. I am on chapter 4 now. There are like 15 chapters I think, so I am almost 1/3 way through the book. I haven’t gone back to Explorations in Personality. I will do that when I am desperate for something to read or when I need to be bored to hell. It is so tough reading this book because you need a dictionary to help you read it. You also need to make mental notes as you go along because the author like to abbreviate common words as he is going along. It is annoying. The third book I am reading is Dostoevsky. I really need to read that book when I have patience or want to get lost into nothingness.

Pissed off

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Pissed off

I have a friend that is being treated like a bad person by her son. There are issues that I won’t get into but it’s got me thinking about my own mother. And frankly, she is a bad mother. She has never accepted me. Sure she will gladly accept my money but that is the only thing she accepts. The other day I was cold in my room so was wearing my beanie hat. She made a comment that if I wore long hair, I wouldn’t be cold. I ignored it like I usually do because she doesn’t know that I am transgender. I don’t even think she knows what being transgender is about. Today she called me “miss” and I flew off the fucking handle. It was the way she said it that really ticked me off. I wanted so badly to tell her to call me sir but I kept biting my tongue.

Tonight, she called me to tell me what she was making for dinner. It was cauliflower with pasta. I already had a bunch of carbs with the oatmeal pancakes I made for breakfast and wanted something else. She hung up on me when I declined. I am so pissed off when she hangs up on me. I did nothing to deserve this and I know we have been getting in a tiff all fucking day because we have been cooped up in the house because of the fucking weather. But I don’t think I deserve to be treated this way.

I am so damn angry at her because she never validates what I go through. She doesn’t accept my short men hair cuts. But I can’t be her “daughter”. I just can’t. It’s not in me. I don’t know why she hates me so damn much. And don’t anyone tell me different. A mother should accept their child unconditionally. She has conditions and I don’t fit in them. It fuels my suicidality because I never will have the mother that I should have. It pisses me off because there are mothers, like my friend, who will do anything for their child and doesn’t expect anything in return except maybe a little gratitude.

My mother has been against me seeing a therapist from the get-go. She thinks she should be my therapist. How can I talk with her when she doesn’t even accept that depression is an illness? I have tried to talk with her and her response is always to “let it go” and don’t think about it. Would a therapist tell their client this? Hell no. That is why I don’t talk to her about my problems. I might vent that about the disability paperwork might rescind my claim and no longer call me disabled. Her response was she needs the money for the mortgage. I should cut the cable bill by totally disconnecting it. That will save me a hundred bucks a month. Just to piss her off. She is just so damn callous. She isn’t like this with my sisters.

I am in pain all the damn time yet she thinks, I am willing to bet, that I should be working despite this. She just has no respect for me at all. And it hurts.