Tag: blog

Random 945

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I have been sleeping on and off today. Pain has been the main contributor. I had a small breakfast and then went back to sleep. When I got up, I had lunch. My sister said she had salad so I had that and a couple slices of pizza. For dinner, I think I will just have a small bowl of cereal. I really don’t want anything else.

My mood sucks because of the pain. It’s quiet now but I just went up and down the stairs a couple of times so I know it will kick back up soon. I got to set my alarm for tomorrow morning and take a shower sometime tonight. I was going to take it this morning before the pain meds kicked in but the pain was just too much for me to stand for twenty or so minutes. It’s cold in the house so I might take one when it’s a little warmer or when the heat comes on.

I haven’t read anything today. I have been too sleepy to concentrate. Soon as I wake up a little, I will probably read Dostoevsky. I need a break from the psychology book. My therapist wasn’t in the office today because of the holiday. I wanted to see if I could see her but I guess not. Kind of sucks because I really wanted to talk to her. I feel like it’s been ages since I spoke to her and it’s almost been a week. But I am glad we are talking tomorrow.

Tomorrow is going to be tough. I have back to back to back appointments between myself and my father. That is why I am trying to take it easy today and stay off my foot as much as possible. I don’t want my foot to flare up like it did last night otherwise I won’t be able to wake up early tomorrow. I figure I got to leave the house by 0815 so I can be at the Square by 0845. That should leave me some time to get my coffee and then go to my appointment. I haven’t decided if I am going to bring my backpack. Probably not because I don’t see myself writing in my journal at all. I really don’t want to go to my father’s appointment but I have to be there. I just hope the surgeon calls in the morning, before my appointments. But my luck, he will call during and then I will miss his call. I hope he leaves me a message saying what he thinks and we don’t play phone tag.

Afternoon Blog

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, psychosis

Afternoon Blog

I’m having a rough day. I woke up early in the morning. Went back to sleep around 0600 and then woke up around 1000. Was able to make breakfast without too much difficulty and then made coffee. The coffee energized me so I decided to read the psychology book, “Explorations in Personality”. I had to stop reading it in the middle of a page last night because there were no breaks and I was too tired to read the 5-6 pages to get to one. I read it to my despair. I tried to understand the language they were using but this book is over my fricken head. So I am just going with the flow of it. When I did come to a break, I decided to get dressed and pick up my prescriptions. I was feeling okay. Until I walked half a block and then the pain started. I continued my walk but it was too much. By the time I reached Walgreens, I was in so much discomfort it wasn’t funny. And why do they have the pharmacy always in the back of the store?? The extra walking really tired me out.

I walked home with ease but I was still hurting. Despite it being cold out, I was a sweaty mess by the time I walked back into my room. I thought I was fine once things settled down and I was comfortably in my bed with my feet up. Now my toes are smarting really bad. It feels like I hammered them all day long and the bones, 3 metatarsals under my last 3 toes are killing me to no end. I must have pulled on the pereoneal tendon while walking home and didn’t realize it because that is where it smarts. I just took a pain pill to quiet things down. I went downstairs to watch the pathetic Caroline/Seattle game and eat some pizza. Wrong move. What was worse was going down to my sister’s apartment to talk to her about my disability and about my student loan paperwork. She said that I had nothing to worry about, that I am still seeing doctors and such that can prove that I am disabled. We were talking about my MRI and possible surgery. Well, that brought my anxiety through the roof, which activated the damn voices. They are once again calling me every name in the book as well as saying I am just a lazy ass and not disabled. And that I am a fake. Meanwhile my foot is flaring up to no end, which is causing my PTSD symptoms to flare. Yea, I am a faker alright. I texted my therapist saying that if I can’t get the voices under control by next week, I am going in the hospital. I am getting so damn exhausted struggling all the damn time with this. It’s gone on for too long. I know it’s my fault, I should have taken the PRNs to nip it in the bud when it first started. But I have a hard time knowing when I am in a psychotic break and when I am not. My first clue should have been when the voices weren’t my normal ones. You ever see the Charmed episode where Leo is haunted by the others (can’t think of their name right now). How they were just swirling around him as they were talking to him? That is what these voices are like, swirling around me so that even my normal voices can’t break through. But everything is in hindsight now. I don’t think my psychiatrist thinks I should be in the hospital but I am getting more and more terrified as these voices continue. I might just do what they want just to shut them up.

I did take a trilafon last night, too. But they only work for so long. It’s not a long acting form. I think they last 6 hours top, but I would have to look it up as it’s been so long since I have been on it. I just hope I don’t need more of the trilafon because my psychiatrist will flip out. I don’t think she has mastered how to do prescriptions with the new system. I have 7 pills left. I hope I don’t have to use many to get the voices under control.

I filled my pill box when I got home from the pharmacy. I figured why not as it needed to be done and with my psychosis semi-out of hand, I needed to be sure to take the abilify. It didn’t help a couple of weeks ago when I missed a few days. I probably wouldn’t be as psychotic if I took it continuously. I really messed up and can’t help blaming myself for my predicament. Getting the SSD paperwork really messed me up. But my sister said that it’s because of the false claims in New York where there were fraudulent cases that everyone is being reviewed. Didn’t help my stress levels to hear this. As much as she tried to reassure me that it were people who hasn’t seen a doctor since their disability was claimed, I am still nervous about being rejected. And the voices telling me I am going to be rejected is just screwing with me. It did help that my psychiatrist said that I have a good case because I had CES twice. But what bothers me is that my psychiatrist nor my therapist have received paperwork from SSD to support my claim. They will gladly sign off on it, but they need the paperwork to do so. Maybe when they get the general release from my hospital the paperwork from my psychiatrist is in there. I don’t know. Both my PCP and psychiatrist are in the same facility, though obviously in different departments/locations. I will just feel better once I get an answer.

Sleep Eludes Me

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Sleep Eludes Me

I had about a three hour nap. I woke up coughing for some reason and now my foot has decided to ache again. I guess the pain meds wore off. The weather is to blame for this. I keep thinking I did something wrong with the disability papers, that I wrote something that I shouldn’t have or that I didn’t give them enough of what hell I am living. I wish I could die right now. I hate having this pain in my foot. It is quite severe. But it only happens at night. Never during the day when I am likely to see a damn doctor.

The coughing scared me because I couldn’t catch my breath. I don’t know if I was choking on my spit or air. It’s all hazy now. I guess I got the rest I needed for the day as I woke up around 0420. I don’t remember what time I fell asleep but I know it was around 0100 or later. I was fighting sleep then because I was in pain. Then it occurred to me that I should probably lay down and maybe I will pass out and I did. Only to wake up three fucking hours later. UGH.

I don’t want to get out of bed. I am still kind of sleepy and know that my pain meds will kick in shortly. I really need sleep. I want sleep. I don’t want to stay up all day with just three hours of sleep under my belt. It’s pissing me off that I can’t sleep right. And all because of fucking pain. I keep hearing Adele’s voice in my head. Her songs from her album are shuffling in my head as if they were playing. I don’t want to listen to music right now. It might wake me up and that is something I don’t want to happen. I don’t know if this music is normal or psychotic. It keep changing and the lyrics are the same so I am guessing it’s normal except the volume is on high. The lyrics are the same. They aren’t twisted as if they are talking to me or anything. I hate when music “talks” to me or has hidden meanings for me. It ruins my appreciation for the music. The last time music had its twisted themes and meanings, I ended up in the hospital. That was when the song “sirens” by Pearl Jam was stuck in my head, and I mean literally. Even if I played it to get it out of my head, it would still talk to me.

My blog about hygiene was posted in a mental health blog. I am either in the “leisure” section or the “entertainment”. This time I was in the “leisure”. I didn’t think that blog was so great, but I guess someone thought it was.

I got to do another grocery order. I am down to my last box of cereal. I am also going to try and get the slim fast stuff. I need to try and lose weight so my pants fit me again. I refuse to go up another pants size, especially after I bought three new pairs of jeans. I will try and get salad as well. I like having baby spinach but my damn mother ends up boiling it. It so frustrates me. I also need to get my cream and almond milk. I really like the almond milk, though I don’t think I am going to get the one with honey again. It just has a weird after taste. I should also get soy milk as I like that as well. I like the chocolate one and can suck it down like it’s going out of style.

Great Game

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Great Game

I just watched the Pats beat KC Chiefs. It was a good game, though toward the end, you had to wonder why KC was killing the clock when they were down two scores. Oh well. Poor time management gets you no where.

I finally cleaned my ceiling fan blades during half-time and I wish I didn’t. I stretched my back to reach them (I have a low ceiling in my room) and am now hurting. That was why I was putting it off but I couldn’t stand the dust accumulation anymore. It drives me nuts. I am not an OCD dust person but seeing a bunch of dust makes me want to clean it. I hope it helps with my allergies or what ever is causing my nose to run like crazy.

Before half-time, I thought I smelled gas in the kitchen so I opened a window. It turned out to be the oil based paint my brother in law was using to paint something downstairs. It smells really bad and I think he opened the front door to let some of the smell out because it is drafty and cold in the house.

Mentally, I should be excited that my team won but I feel really down. Voices are still telling me that I am a no good SOB, though they seemed to have stopped telling me what to do. My anxiety/perturbation level is down so I guess they don’t have that much to go on. I can take the name calling. I am used to that. I will take some trilafon tonight as it is just annoying to hear. I am glad my psychiatrist got why they were amped up. She knows my stress level is dependent on the voices. I can tolerate stress pretty well but sometimes, especially with the SSD and then my back issues, I just couldn’t tolerate the stress anymore. I reached a breaking point when the stupid resident I saw for my back told me how to take the Neurontin when I was on a much higher dose than she was prescribing. Idiot. I used to take as much as 3600 mg a day so I know how to use Neurontin. A pesky 900 mg will do nothing for me and the voices knew that. That is why they wanted me to take the bottle, to be “effective”. I had to hide the bottle for a few days because I could easily have taken a larger dose than 3600 mg. But my pant size is already at its max for me and Neurontin makes me hungry so I rather not take it unless I have the burning pains I get. That is all this drug is good for. I know it doesn’t help my mother but she doesn’t give drugs a chance. She thinks one dose is enough to help her and doesn’t understand that you need a constant level to help lower the pain. Granted, she has never been on a high dose of Neurontin like I have and probably never will. I just worry that she might fall from Neurontin or something. I have walked into walls before and felt drunk. I usually felt this way if I haven’t slept off the effects of the drug.

I am glad my psychiatrist wasn’t afraid when I told her what the voices were telling me. I knew it was a fine line I was walking. But she knows when I need to be in the hospital and when I don’t. It’s usually up to me when I am in the hospital. She has only pulled the section card on me twice in the 20 years I have known her. And I have had a lot of hospitalizations in those 20 years. Being suicidal a lot of the time will do that.

Although I am relieved that my back isn’t in emergent need of surgery, I still cannot believe that a week will have passed to hear what the outcome of the MRI will be and what treatment I will be looking forward to in the next coming weeks. It’s still going to be a worry in the back of my mind until I know. As I was talking with my psych about this, I think PT will be the way to go. I hate to go back. Seems like I should just hire a PT and be done with it, but I can’t afford it. And I swear if they just tell me to go to a gym, I will fire them so fast. Or just ride a bike for 20 mins and then call it a day. I doubt I will be able to really use a bike as my leg is so damn tight and sore. I just don’t know where to go. I will figure it out once I talk to the surgeon.