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Saturday Blog 41

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Saturday Blog 41

My day started out the same as yesterday. I woke up around 0500 and was in pain. I took some pain meds and had some breakfast. I then went back to sleep. I really wanted to have pizza for lunch but my mother didn’t want a birthday sub for lunch so I nixed it. I had biscuits and gravy instead.

I really need to take a shower as I am hot and sweaty despite it being cold in the house. I think I am getting the cold sweats from this stupid cold that I have. Maybe it’s a sign that it’s leaving me. When my mother came home, I went to cash in my birthday scratch tickets and bought my powerball tickets. It’s up to an estimated $900 million right now. It would be so sweet to get at least $100,000 of that. I’m not greedy, I just would like what I can live off of.

So far I have been doing good for my hydrating. I already had a bottle of water. I plan on moving on to a powerade next and some tea. It’s so hard remembering to drink fluids when you are not used to it. My lips are badly chapped. They always become so during the winter months. No matter how much I use lip balm, I can never get them moisturized enough. I must have tried several different kinds but they are all the same. Soon as it wears off, your lips are chapped again.

I went back to the “American Gods”. I really want to find out what happens to the main character of the book. I have less than 100 pages to read. I should finish it in a few days time and then I can cross it off my list of books read. I really want to try and read 20 books this year. It will be a challenge with my depression and all but I think I can do it.

My order from Amazon has been split up, again. I will be getting the book sometime today and then my pens on Monday. I hate when they split it up. They also charge separately as well. I don’t think I am going to order from them as much anymore. It’s getting to be expensive and I don’t need half the stuff I buy. I still haven’t received the Cognitive Therapy book I ordered. It won’t be coming at least until next week.

I should have made coffee this morning. It’s too late now for it. So I will make a cup of tea. I like drinking English Teatime by Bigelow. It’s one of my favorite teas. I find that if I drink several cups it has the same amount of caffeine as a cup of coffee.

I have been in a slump most of the day. I went out to get my lottery tickets and now I am just so tired, like I did something strenuous. I hate when I feel like crap after an activity. I just want to shower and take a nap. My ankle is starting to act up so there goes the shower I wanted to take. Think I will just take my pain meds and go to sleep. It’s the only thing I have been doing lately anyways. I have no motivation to do anything else.

Random 321

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

I have been sleeping most of the day. I just feel so tired after I took just two of my pain pills and a baclofen. My foot/ankle have been doing this reflex thing that is so painful. I woke up with my ankle screaming at me and decided the hell with it, I will sleep all day if I have to. Of course, my mother decided she was going to call me every few hours to disrupt my sleep. She doesn’t understand that when someone is sleeping they don’t want to answer the phone.

I just took my night meds and was shocked to find that today isn’t Saturday like I thought it was. I am glad I noticed that or this would have been a Saturday blog on a Friday. I didn’t go out today, though I wanted to. I really have to go out tomorrow and get my powerball tickets. I think the only reason there hasn’t been a jackpot winner is because I haven’t played. I will get two quick picks and hope for the best. I had a dream I was at work, in the lab, and I found out I won the 700 million dollars. I just went about my business, collecting tubes that have been logged in and putting them away or where they needed to go next. I miss working in the lab. It gave me something to do.

I am feeling a little bit better as far as my depression/suicidal feelings go. They come and go like the wind but sometimes stay around to cause a big storm. I think that is why I was so sleepy today. It just takes a lot out of you to deal with such strong emotions.

A blogger friend and my Twitter friends have been posting their dislike of Amazon’s new T-shirts that are for suicide like it’s a joke. I am also against it though I haven’t voiced my opinion on the matter. One shirt has a guy that is about to hang himself and another guy sitting down eating popcorn. The shirt is themed “Suicide Watch”. It totally is NOT funny and only further stigmatizes the struggle of suicide. No wonder people don’t take it seriously when they have these jackasses portraying it as a joke. The other shirt that they have is “got suicide”? I don’t find it funny at all.

My ex is trying to get in touch with me again. She created a new Facebook account just so she could message me. I haven’t read the message. We are always on and off again but she lives 90 miles away from me so I don’t really have to worry about her. The thing is, she is married and has a disabled child. She has her own issues and I just can’t deal because she doesn’t take care of herself. I can go on about it but I won’t because it is just too personal. Despite all this, we still love each other and we have this weird connection. Like we can go for years without talking and then pick up the phone and just start talking like there was no time elapse. We were penpals before we became lovers. But it’s difficult to be friends when we have such strong emotions for one another.

I still got this cold though I think I am getting better. I am not sneezing as much as I have been. I also need to try and drink as much fluid as possible over the next few days to pump up my veins. It will really suck if they can’t get a vein on Monday for the contrast. It will make the whole MRI useless.

Daily Post: Luxury Item

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging

Luxury Item

Today’s Daily Post is to write about a luxury item that you wish you could afford and to paint a picture of that item. I’ve never been one to like fancy items. I just don’t get the appeal. The most that I would like to have, and not on a regular basis, would be a filet mignon. I had one once, many years ago, and it was the best piece of steak I ever had. When my book came out, I promised I would get myself one, and I still haven’t. One reason is because I can’t walk there anymore. I think walking is more important than a piece of steak. I would love to be able to walk like I used to without pain.

I woke up this morning in pain and I just said fuck it, I took pain pills and now I am feeling sleepy from them. I wrote on my Twitter feed that you shouldn’t take walking for granted. I also wanted to put that it can be taken away in an instant but I didn’t have enough character to put all that in. I thought I would write another tweet about this but I figure, no one reads my tweets anyway so why bother.

Meds are really kicking in. I guess I didn’t paint a picture like I was hoping to. Maybe I will in a later blog.

Feeling Weird

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Feeling Weird

I just finished a chapter in “American Gods” by Neil Gaiman. This book just gets weirder and weirder as it goes along. But I am feeling weird. I am dizzy and lightheaded, even though I am sitting down. I feel like the voices are getting stronger and louder. I am becoming unnerved, like everything is bothering me and I don’t know what that everything is.

I am really tired and I know I should get some sleep. Maybe I am entering a dissociative state. I really want to die. The voices want me to die. They keep telling me to take this or that bottle of pills. I am in a lot of pain. And now my pinky toe on my good foot is hurting me for some reason. I don’t know why. I didn’t bang it recently or anything. I am so pissed off that I have another ache to deal with. I nearly choked on one of my pills tonight. It wouldn’t go down and I couldn’t cough it up. I was scared. But then I drank some more powerade and it went down, thankfully. I seriously need to cut this pill in half or something. I will ask the pharmacist if I can do this.

I am starting to feel dangerous. But not out of the control dangerous. This cold that I have is making me crazy because I can’t breathe through my nose. One side of my nostrils get clogged up and then it will clear and then the other side will get clogged up. It’s a repeating pattern that has been going on for several days now. I keep blowing out clear stuff so I know I don’t have an infection. My sister thinks it’s dust bunnies that are making me sick. If that were the case, I would be dead as I still haven’t cleaned my ceiling fan. Voices are after me to clean it, too. I just am lazy to clean it. It won’t take that long. But I feel that I can’t stand too long to do it and will have pain afterwards.

I want to text my therapist that I am not doing ok. I might send this blog to my psychiatrist so she knows I am not doing okay. I just don’t want to go into the hospital. They will just drug me up there and I don’t want to be drugged up. I rather be drugged up at home. Plus they will fuck up my medication and I will be taking twice the number of pills that I am currently taking. NO way, Jose. I am not going to sit at the nurses station/med counter with 30 pills to take because they don’t have the doses I currently take. Fuck that. And it won’t do no good anyway. They don’t understand about psychosis and stress, the hospital not my treatment team. I just want to be left alone, maybe have a few check ins with my pdoc and then be ok. I know this will settle down once I get the MRI report. That is what is stressing me out big time. It is no fun having surgery or the possibility of surgery hanging over your head.

I had spasms again today in my bad foot. It is driving me crazy because I am getting them 304 times a week now. I don’t know what to do about it other than to take an Ativan for it. It’s the only think that settles it down. And then I am toast for the day. It hurts to walk afterwards as I am so sore from the contractions. I really don’t want to live anymore. I am so done with this crap. I thought I was going to be fine this New year and not have suicidal thoughts. I was wrong. I want to be dead more now than ever. Maybe I should take a swim in the Charles River. I can go after my appointment for the MRI. I am right there.

Meds are kicking in as well as the Nyquil for this cold. Still can’t breathe but maybe if I lie down, it will clear up…