Suicide should not be misunderstood as hostility directed toward the introjected love object; but rather suicide is better understood as anguish over the plight of the writhing self. Edwin Shneidman, Suicide as Psychache
Tag: blog
finally able to go out
I finally was able to go out today. I picked up my prescription and bought a couple of necessities, including Reese’s candy that was on sale. It was a debate between peanut butter cups and Kit Kats, but peanut butter always wins. I also got toothpaste because we were running low. Walgreens had the one that I wanted 2/$6 yet the same size in a two pack was for $6.99. I thought that was weird. So I saved a buck. I came home okay. I was hurting more walk to Walgreens than going home. I feel pretty good, though my ankle is acting up a little bit. But I got out of the house for the first time since Wednesday.
I got a surprised text from Twitter. Apparently, the blog that I sent to a Twitter buddy got picked up by a mental health advocate and she placed the blog in her blog/paper. It was cool to see my blog get circulated in this fashion.
Last night I had a hard time sleeping. Stupid McAfee wouldn’t reinstall itself and I had to get tech support to do their clean up sweep so it would be a “fresh” install. I had also read “Suicide as Psychache” and that got the gears turning toward how to have my therapist help me during a suicidal crisis, which prompted me to send out the blog to my Twitter buddies. The part I was reading was about needs. Frustrated needs lead to perturbation, which can lead to lethality if an individual’s level is high enough. That is Shneidman’s theory, anyway. I have found it to be true for me because if I am not feeling validated or understood, my suicidality can increase very quickly. So here it was after 0200 and I can’t sleep. I have all these ideas running through my head plus the frustration of not having McAfee installed. I was able to come down to a little blog called Modal needs. Everyone has them. It’s what drives us. But the vital needs, if thwarted or frustrated, causes perturbation and suicidality. There are only a certain number of the twenty that are vital to the individual. My needs may not be the same as someone else’s.
And then I got thinking, how to convey this to my goofy therapist in a way that she understands it and is able to lower the frustration so I don’t plan on killing myself. I never got around to this. I stayed up with McAfee’s tech support, shut the computer down and the Ativan finally let me sleep. Tomorrow if my back cooperates, I will go to Starbucks and work on this new frustrated needs blog. I also, while reading, got some more quotes for my “Quote for the Day” blogs. This book is loaded with them.
I still need to get a haircut. I am hoping the barber shop I usually go to is open tomorrow. I will try and get my hair cut before going to Starbucks to work on this blog. I’d work on it now but I don’t have the brain power to do it. I need coffee and an inviting atmosphere. I work better when I am at Starbucks than I do from my room.
I got an email from Kindle saying that one of the payments failed to go through so I should be getting a little bit of money from them tomorrow. I like when I get royalty payments.
Had BPD Chat. I don’t know why I bother trying to participate. No one really responds to my inquiries or statements. It’s just so frustrating. Today’s topic was “Emptiness”. I have been feeling empty since the depression has gotten worse the past few weeks. I feel it so bad it’s almost physical, like I have no organs inside, like I am an empty shell of a being. It’s awful to feel this way all the time. I don’t feel connected to anyone or anything. It just hurts and there is nothing you can do about it. I have tried telling my psychiatrist this but nothing gets said about it. I makes me feel worse when other people in the chat feel that way yet don’t respond back to my support or anything. I just don’t know why I bother. Maybe I should just stop attending.
annoyed because of pain
There were a few options for dinner tonight that didn’t sound appealing to me. Escarole soup that was about a week old in the fridge, cold cut sandwich, or raviolis that were a few days old. I opted to order pizza because it was better than the choices above. My mother decided to cook liver and onions so the house smells like it, which further curbed my appetite. But I ordered pizza from Papa Johns along with some chicken poppers. The poppers were better than the pizza. There was too much sauce on the pizza and not enough cheese. I ate it anyway because I was hungry. The pizza smelled strongly of green peppers even though I didn’t order it. It was just another turn off to my horrible night of pain.
I had taken my shower and I was in horrid pain while I was showering. I had to sit down on the shower seat to ease some of the pain. Then when I got up, my right knee buckled. I almost lost my balance. Great just what I needed, a fall in the small shower stall. Luckily I didn’t fall, but my back was still in agony. Getting wiped off and dressed was fun. I had to sit to get dressed. There was no way I was going to try and stand to put on my underwear and PJs. I accomplished the task but not without severe pain. I don’t know why standing is giving me so many problems lately. This situation better correct itself because I need to get things done. I have to pick up my prescription at Walgreens. My PCP finally consented to giving me the nerve pain meds. He only gave me a month supply with no refills under the condition that I see my neurologist within the month. I hope that I can see her. What a fucking hassle. I almost laughed when the nurse said we “want to help you”. If you want to help me, give me my fucking meds! It’s as simple as that! Dammit.
I am in a wicked bad mood. It’s after 8 so I doubt there will be trick or treaters. Bells haven’t been ringing so my brother in law has been good with handing out candy. I am just irritated that I spent money on food and it wasn’t good. How hard is it to goof up pizza? Just makes me angry. And why couldn’t my mother wait till tomorrow to make the stupid liver and onions? I hate that smell more than when she makes mushrooms. And she never lights a candle or open a window when she cooks. So the smells just permeate throughout the house. Just annoys me. I know part of me being annoyed is that I am in pain and I can’t fix it. Meds are helping but they make me sleepy. And when I am sleepy, I just want to sleep and not do anything.
I haven’t taken any pain meds today so that could be another reason why I am so grumpy. I also haven’t taken any of my muscle relaxers to prevent the damn spasms. Just another reason for me to be annoyed. My mother bought powered donuts so I was happy about that, for a little while. Little things seems to bring me joy but it doesn’t last long. It never lasts long. It’s just like the coffee I drink. It brings me joy until I finish my drink. Then I am sad again.
I got another Shneidman quote for tonight’s quote of the day. I had to take out “committed” and put “dies by” because it is the correct language to use. He uses “committed” suicide a lot. But then, the changes didn’t occur until after he passed away.
I’m feeling kind of suicidal right now. I won’t do anything but I just wish I was dead. Just like that, poof, I am gone. I have no reason to be in this world. I am not a great writer. I am really sarcastic. I got to edit my “Knackered” paper. I have to put in a medical clause in it so I don’t get sued because people take me seriously. Or maybe I will just leave it, I don’t know. I am just so annoyed right now that I just don’t care. Had to shut off Luke Bryan. Music is annoying me too. Maybe I am getting a migraine. I think it’s more because I am in pain and I can’t do anything about it. The pain isn’t severe pain, like that of what I usually feel with my ankle. It’s more of a dull ache that just won’t go away. I have taken my NSAID today because I didn’t eat anything solid. I have to have a full meal when I take it and half a sandwich wouldn’t cut it. I will take it with my night meds because I had the pizza and chicken for dinner. The pain is in the middle of my back and like I said, it’s a dull pain, not sharp or stabbing. Kind of makes it difficult to treat because you don’t know the cause and you don’t know what will be helpful. I found out that warm water was not helpful at all and just caused my back to hurt more while I was taking a shower. So much for that easing the tension.
But I really just don’t want to be anymore. There is nothing in my life that I am looking forward to. Everything is a hassle and I don’t like it.
Halloween 2015
I woke up around my normal time, after 0700 and surprisingly, I went back to sleep. My mother interrupted me once to tell me my niece would be upstairs so I could watch her. She just needs the TV in front of her to be watched. I kept an ear out just in case she veered from the TV to something else but didn’t hear anything. I went back to sleep. Some babysitter I am. I kept on telling myself to get up to make coffee but I just couldn’t move. My back still ached and anything involving movement of the hips hurt like crazy. So I just laid in bed most of the time. I turned my phone off so I wasn’t distracted by text messages or other phone related activity. When I got up, all three email accounts on my phone were lit up and of course text messages. My med app was going off, reminding me to take my blood pressure pill. UGH It was time for COFFEE. I read my text messages before doing anything and got upset. The starting quarterback for the OSU had been arrested and will be suspended for next week’s game. WTF. He was driving OVI, which in my Boston terms, can only mean driving under the influence. I can’t believe it. I am so upset right now. This guy is a really good quarterback and for him to fuck up, I am beyond words. I just hope he learned his lesson and doesn’t do it again. As far as I can tell, there is no OSU game today, which is probably why he is suspended next week and not this week.
Tomorrow is a big day. I have four birthdays. I thought it was five and it might be. I always forget someone. Birthday month begins! Not looking forward to it. My sister’s is next week and will be at my other sister’s house. I hope I can get my haircut by then. It’s grown out and doesn’t look right. It needs to be tamed with scissors or a buzzer, preferably a buzzer. I wanted to do so much today and got nothing done. I still haven’t bought my stinking donuts. Man, that is the one thing I am most looking forward to right now and I am being denied because of stinking back pain. I thought since the rain has passed, I would be okay, but that hasn’t been the case. I don’t know what is going on. Only thing I can think of is when I was carrying my laptop to the FedEx place, maybe I shifted something in my hip. That is where most of my pain is, though doesn’t account for me not being able to stand upright. I don’t know. I just have to wait it out and I am being impatient. I want to feel better now. Least I have meds to help me. I am getting better, but very slowly.
I have to take a shower sometime today, preferably without the munchkins ringing my doorbell every 10 minutes. My brother in law is the guy that likes to give out candy. I hate Halloween. I don’t mind it if I work it but when you don’t and your doorbell still rings even though every light in the house is off, it pisses me off. And it really gets me angry when they start pounding on the windows. I mean, really?? That is when no one gets candy. But my brother in law has done it the last few years and continues to do so.
I wish I could order my snacks via an app or something. I can’t walk to Walgreens. I tried that yesterday and only made it half way down the block before pain over took me. I know it is going to be like that today. I will try tomorrow. I haven’t left the house since Wednesday. I had my sister pick up my prescriptions. Those were more important than snacks.
I still have been feeling depressed since I hurt my back. It sucks not being about to do anything. I would try and load the drivers on my older laptop but I can’t stand long enough to do it. And I need to disable McAfee, which I haven’t been able to figure out yet. Used to be there was an option to disable but the new configuration, the option is not there. I might have to uninstall it. I had to do that on my newer laptop to get the drivers on. I felt like an idiot when I called tech support and he asked me if I disabled the virus protection. It was the only thing I didn’t try.
Just checked my stats. HOLY UK!! They are my biggest readers today. Top blog is my knackered. This makes me happy and sad. I like when people read this blog because they can relate so much to it. But it also makes me sad because to me it means that another person(s) has been possibly diagnosed with cauda equina syndrome. I only wish this on one of my enemy. Other than that, I wouldn’t wish this condition on anybody. The UK is so far ahead of the US that I don’t think they are going to catch up. Watching my stats is fun to me. It gives me ideas on what to write for my blog, least it used to before the search terms became “unknown”. I never understood this. But whatever. I have other data I can use. Most of my referrers today are from Facebook. At least 49 people came from that site. I sold two books this week. I am happy about this. I was afraid I wasn’t going to sell any. But I did and that is all that matters. I sold one paperback and one Kindle. Good enough for me!
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